CBB

Thank you Linda. It has been an almost unbearable year. Running away just sounds so wonderful and maybe we help me feel more unstuck? I feel like I am just spinning in circles and it's time for a major change. It might help to get my head put back on straight. Thanks for listening to me vent my frustrations and ponder this new adventure. I will take all the prayers that you have that I am doing the best thing. Big hugs, Cyndi

I am planning a runaway very soon. It will be 2 years on the 10th of May. 2 very long, rotten filled years of my life without my husband. Then to lose my son 6 months ago to suicide. Shocked doesn't even begin to touch where my head space has been since October. I finally can no longer bare being where I am and where my life is. I am selling my house and selling it all. Every last thing..All of it is getting bought , purged and done with. Either I have snapped, or I have awakened to find I am completely miserable in the path I am on now and I can't take much more of it. I don't know where I am headed but I am sure I will figure it out somehow. Cyndi

Thank you for getting back up and running as quickly as could be done. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. This is a big undertaking and I , for one, am very pleased with how well this site is put together and running. This is just a little blip in the big scheme of things and thank you for all of your hard work! You all ROCK! Huge hugs, Cyndi

wow Questions! I absolutely love the tree and the flowers in the yard! Awesome job ! And the bench idea is great! Very impressive. You have so many wonderful ideas. I may borrow a few. I am slowly building a stone wall up one side of my driveway.. sort of out of necessity as the yard is very sloped and I don't want it to wash out on me! I will try to get a picture posted to show you some of the progress. I started last fall but the weather and life factors slowed me down.. Mixing concrete and lugging all the stones takes a toll on ya after a while..but spring is coming soon and I am determined to get it finished by summer..**crossing fingers** Keep up the amazing job you are doing! You so ROCK! Cyndi

I don't have a dock to really anchor to. I don't feel as if I quite figured that part out yet. You would think I would have by now at my age. Everything seems to be afloat and I used to think I had anchors but a storm came in and washed them away. How do you find a new one? I really have no idea. Where do you begin? I haven't figured that out either, so I just go with the tides and hope that eventually it will come to me? Not a clue! A very good question Wheelerswife. I just wish I had a better answer and grip on it . Cyndi

Hugs Michael. I hope you made it through your sadiversary okay and still intact. I didn't find out about it till today . I wish I would have read sooner we could have double whammied it up with my birthday and your sadiversary day and kicked its sorry butt! Hope your okay and I am so happy to see that RH is still here! Still my favorite station! Big hugs, Cyndi

Congrats on the yoga! I need to find out if the place I go has Zumba? It looks like that might be a lot of fun and great cardio! Keep up the great work! Cyndi

Thanks so much Manutesgirl! And congrats to you on your run! wow, that is a feat. I was never good at running. Thanks also on the heads up about Fatburgers, although it does sound delicious I have to remember the next time to eat a little something as I could hear my tummy rumbling when we were doing the end of Yoga and being "still". lol Congrats to everyone on getting healthier! Cyndi

Hugs to everyone, Year two has been a rollercoaster for sure. After the first year I figured ok..all the firsts are out of the way. This next year should go smoother. But as many of us here know and have said, that wasn't the case. It is still throwing me curves and finally striking me out five months ago. It felt like I started back at square one again. Compounded grief? Oh I think so. I am learning slowly like Toosoon stated that it isn't just widowhood that is sucking just that life happens and can sometimes suck. BIG time. I am hoping and praying for all of us here we get more glimpses of happiness and our burdens become fewer in the future. I cling to that hope with every ounce of strength I have left. I am very grateful to have others here on this board to share and to listen when I feel so alone. Huge hugs, Cyndi

Today I purged old shoes. I still had shoes from high school. I kid you not! All in toll 20 pairs got donated! It was one of those thigs I have meant to do but just kept putting off. Tomorrow it is revisiting old tubs of DH's miscellaneous items. He isn't going to want these any time soon so it is time to let go. Then working on basement stuff. Why I hang on to so much junk is beyond me. Who needs 10 totes of old Christmas and Halloween stuff? Cyndi

You know you have widow brain when you start filling your sink full of hot water for dishes and the phone rings and you forget said water running and wander off to another room while talking on the phone. You end the conversation and hear a really strange noise coming from the kitchen and it dawns on you and now you have a lake in your kitchen! You go out to start your car in the winter because you want it warmed before you leave and then you decide not to go and you forget your car is still running for like 4 hours! Been there , done that. I am a big list writer but always manage to forget the lists! I should just give that up completely! All of these things on this thread I have probably done at least once maybe more. I hope this condition improves! Cyndi

Okay. I decided it was time to get off my rump and do something other than sit here day after day reading the boards and/or facebooking till the cows came home. I am 22 months in and my body has taken a toll. I weighed myself today and I was 116.That means I lost 20 pounds in the last 5 months.Death of a spouse and then a child within two years does not do a body or mind good! Not good, and mostly muscle. I look hideous! My outsides now match my insides! I have to change this somehow. So, I got up enough courage to get dressed in my yoga pants and made my way to my first ever yoga class in town. I made it there! I was 2 minutes late but I did make it! I survived the whole hour long sessions! Yeah to me! I am proud of myself. With the high anxiety , sweaty palms, and aversion to crowds I managed to keep telling myself I can do this. I know it sounds so tiny of an accomplishment, but for me, it was tremendous! Really emotional too. I got in the car and cried.. Not sad tears, but tears of joy. I didn't break and I followed thru. I did it! Today is Sunday and I am really really sore. I hope this part gets better, but I am going to start small and keep going on Saturdays for now. Maybe I can scrounge together enough to maybe up the classes to two a week. I am determined to keep trying. All of you here inspired me. I just wanted you all to know that. It is so encouraging to see others take chances and trying new things with such guts and determination. Thanks for the inspiration and congrats to everyone on their accomplishments! You all ROCK! Lots of hugs, Cyndi

Vettie..I love this song ad I can't help but cry every time I hear it but it does give me hope that maybe they are dancing and singing and no more pain and sadness.Thanks for sharing it here. Big hugs, Cyndi

I had to pipe in on this one. I went to go get my hair done the other day. I sold my house the year before after I was widowed and couldnt afford to keep it. But a very nice young couple had purchased it. My hairdresser introduced me to the young couples parents. They were polite enough, until the mother asked me if I had children. It took me a moment to collect myself and say yes I do but one recently died. I kid you not..the husband piped in and asked do you have other children? I said yes and without missing a beat he says well good, at least you still have two. I wanted to punch him in the throat. Cyndi

Get nekkid and run around like a maniac for sure hands down! Plus it gives my neighbors something else to gossip about! ok, lets see.... Go out to a good movie or Rent a good movie and stay in?

Okay..Over the weekend I managed to clean out my closet of useless stuff I don't wear or haven't seen in years. Why they were still in my closet after I moved a year ago? Clueless! 2. I went through my sons clothing and parted with the majority of his things. That was a really messed up day! 5 months and it is still killing me in the inside. But I did it. I kept a few shirts in hopes that once my sanity returns, I will make a quilt or something. 3. I keep trying Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Taking some baby steps gave me a little purpose today . Thanks to all of you here

Very good article . Thank you for sharing this. Cyndi

I have had that very same experience. This just happened about a week ago. I was going from my living room into my kitchen when the smell stopped me in my tracks! It was his cologne. Nobody had messed with it and it still sits in the glass bookcase. I literally walked back by the living room and yes...It was still there lingering. It thru me. All I could think to do was to say," Hello..I know your here. " Cyndi

The why's and the what if's will eat you alive. I feel that way on a daily basis. My mind cannot wrap around the fact he did this to my family. The anger, the guilt , all of it kills me on a daily basis. I will carry this to my grave.. Cyndi

Hugs Chopperette. I know this feeling so well. Cyndi

Hugs Kam! These waves are beating the hell out of me as well. Just wanted you to know I hear you! 22 months and counting. Some days I till can't believe this is my life! What happened to my life? Huge hugs, Cyndi

Right there with all of you. The second year has been a real suckfest! Just when I think I have this figured out, the grief monster grabs me and pulls the rug out from under me again. 22 long months and counting..It has to get better, right?

Most definitely Luigi! Reality TV or Nat Geo?

Carey, I so understand your head space! I am having similar issues and my give a damn got up and left the planet! I am going on 22 months now, no job, health issues, no insurance... all that jazz and more. I haven't figured out my next move at all. Don't give up and like it was said before, this doesn't have to be figured out today. I am doing a lot of soul searching and trying to sort out what I want or need to do. I know I can't physically do what I had prior so making adjustments accordingly. I may go to school, take a class? Not sure, but eventually it will slowly start to make sense. Taking baby steps is fine. Start where you are and maybe write down ideas? We all have to start somewhere, right? Good luck ! I just had to respond as I read your post. I could have written this myself. Cyndi

I second that look2thesky! I don't know why I am counting in months , weeks, and days. I haven't done that since my kids were under a year old. What is that about? I, for one, welcome the days when I know longer do this. I keep waiting for a shift. Its coming but sometimes I just want it to hurry the hell up! Cyndi