TofinoMan

Jenny was brilliant, she was so smart, funny, and well spoken. I on the other hand tended to often say dumb stuff so it was normal for me to do....but her so rarely. So if she did on occasion say something that made no sense i wouldn't let it go....and every so often would just repeat her silly things she said in conversation, like " Just let the dead horse die" or "I stuck the fridge on the note pad" in both of those examples and the others she said by mistake I knew what she meant...yet still found them to be funny....and we would laugh and laugh and laugh when i repeated them like it was regular conversation when we would be talking. I am sure nobody else would have found them funny if they were there to hear it but sure brought laughter to our lives in a silly way.

Hopefully its okay to revive an older thread. I'm new here to this forum joined about midnight Saturday when I could not sleep. Again I lay awake late, my mind going at full speed, accomplishing nothing. Used to be rare I had trouble sleeping.....now its the norm. I was a bit angry at times long ago....but I had peace for so many years that I thought all anger was gone from inside me. Growing up in a house with angry parents and siblings its what i knew when I was a kid. Now i am so not a kid anymore, but 38 years old, and have a 5 year old daughter to raise alone. The scary part is the level of anger I feel. Its not always there as its mixed with many other emotions often. But i swear i have become crazy or bipolar or something. I can be fine one minute and want to smash stuff or punch someone the next minute because they pissed me off. I yelled at a woman recently.....honestly cannot remember the last time i yelled at someone. Its not rational, and its my fault for reacting to her stupid words, but in that moment it was like i had no control to stop my self so I yelled at her to say she is a stupid insensitive f.....g b...h. I'm usually the nice guy with compassion. Its gone....replaced with anger. Yesterday I just threw my coffee cup across the deck and it smashed against the railing. Not for a reason....just mad at the world it seems. At the 2 month mark I thought I had it all under control and things were a lot better....its close to 3 months since Jenny died now and I am so fing mad. I know it doesn't help it can only make it worse. But damn the anger can just blow up inside of me. Sometimes the last week or two I'll avoid my friends or employees because of what i might say that is just mean and should not be said. I used to be this rational thinking guy many came to for advice because i was the voice of reason.....now I'm this raging lunatic who screams and throws things. Has anyone else who lost their wife or husband just been like a mad asshole? Is it a phase or do i just need to punch a wall a thousand times to get rid of it or what?

Hi, Ian - I see you were brave and posted your first post here, so, while I'm logged on, let me please extend a welcome word and a cyber hug of caring through the screen. Sorry you had reason to find yourself here, but you have discovered an amazing online community of people all around the world, at different stages on their widowed journey, all offering wisdom, kindness, support and encouragement. True, most people don't understand. And, yes, it is impossible to find adequate words to describe the early emotions when the pain runs so deep. And that woman who compared the loss of your wife to the loss of her cat, well, she is just a dolt - ignore her. Don't worry a moment about having a real reaction in a surreal situation. I will say that most/many of us here have had someone, somewhere, at some point in time, say something outrageous. If I recall correctly, there is even a thread about it here. And what to say to your sweet daughter, so much of that depends on her age, readiness to understand the unimaginable. There is an entire board for widowed parents with a lot of good guidance there. What I found as I shepherded my three after their dad/my late husband's passing was honesty, loving words, patience and an effort to try to give them a renewed foundation of safety when the foundation of the world as they knew it had disappeared. Daily, sometimes in the moment, doing the best I could in the moment we had, choosing love each day in our efforts to heal. It has been 7 years now. Just shining a ray of light when I know your world feels very dark right now. Please know - you are not alone. Post often, share and connect. Lots of good people here - and here for each other. Warm wishes from FL Thank you. She turned 5 just last month. We spent Friday out on the boat and had a great day. Then yesterday I drove her a bit over 2 hours to meet with her grandparents (Jenny's parents ) at roughly the mid point between us. After I had a nice lunch in Parksville with them, I drove the couple hours home with some good old school rock music blasting in the car since I was alone. Once home I reheated a cup of coffee and sat down on the sundeck. That is when i hit the worst of it. I thought I was doing better. The past few weeks it hasn't been as bad it seems. Then 2 months and 26 days in I hit a new low. Not even sure if I am more sad or mad. But I just screamed and smashed my favorite coffee mug. Could not sleep so joined this site. I'm a mess today and even a nice motorcycle ride didn't feel right and its usually one of the best things to make me feel better is a good ride. Today cleaning up the mess of broken glass and coffee stains i realize that my getting better is maybe not really better. I promised them they could have my baby girl till Wednesday, and its all i could do this afternoon to not call and say I needher home. I'm just not my usual confident self. Barely able to make a simple choice of what to cook for dinner...so i just went out and ate alone. Spent much of today somewhere between crying and ready to punch a hole in a wall or smashing more dishes.

Jennifer, Jen, I usually called her Jenny or Smack (Because i liked to playfully smack her nice butt) I was maybe what some people call a player because I dated a lot of women but never for long. I wasn't a player at all actually, I just was young and didn't really know what I wanted till I met Jenny. Then I knew instantly. I was so in love with her that I would have married her the day after we met. Jenny turned my world upside down. She was so different from anyone I ever knew before. Me the confirmed bachelor was so smitten. I met her when I was 23 and we were married 5 months later. She was and is my soulmate. She was just 19 and we had our life planned out. After she was done university and she became a Doctor we would have a child. Took a bit but finally we had the most amazing little girl. God I loved being a Dad and Husband. After 15 years and 4 months together she passed 2 months and 27 days ago at just 34 years young. So I don't know how to barely take care of myself these days, and probably wouldn't even get out of bed some days except i have my sweet daughter to bring my life some meaning still. So my angel girl and I do the best we can is all now. Jenny thanks for showing me what true and unconditional love really is....

Hello, and thanks for allowing me to join. Find most people don't understand how i really feel. So why not try reading where people who went through it may actually have an idea how much I hurt but can't explain it in words to others. I'm crappy at putting it in words, and confused to because my feelings keep changing. The final straw to even mentioning that I lost my wife was when a woman said she understood how i feel because she recently lost her cat. My response is my responsibility...I'm an adult who cannot even deal with society right now. But getting angry was still wrong. Don't even have a clue what to say to my daughter when she asks me questions. Ian