Why is Younger and prettier a problem?

[thejourney]

And why can't people let go?

I cannot seem to understand why a small group of DW friends seems to prefer that I stay alone. Many of my friends have been great and supportive, but this one subset seems bent on staying in the past.  They are very subtle, and don't approach me. And they would say to my face that they support me and are happy for me.  But their actions when I am not in the room suggest otherwise.  I hear through the grapevine small things they say about how they don't want to know my new partner, how they will never like her - but they have not met her!  Their backroom comments and some less subtle direct 'attacks' that happened early in my chapter two have caused a lot of damage to our relationship.

My new partner is a few years younger, thinner, etc.  Someone suggested that is the problem - that the friends would not want their husband to be with someone like my new partner.  Those are not the only reasons I am with Chapter two. A great bonus, but there is way more to it than that of course.  Seems odd to me, but I guess people would care less if Chapter 2 was a less appealing option????

[Sugarbell]

Women can be bat shit crazy.

 

This year...I have 3 friends in their 40s who just got divorced...in all 3 of these cases they traded them in for a "younger updated model" ( That's the first wives words)

 

Death is different...but people don't get it who haven't experienced it...these women probably look at there friend as being replaced by a "younger prettier model"...

 

This isn't me talking.......this is just what I have heard this year from my "friends". No one knows what goes on in a persons marriage/heart except the people involved (both in deAth and divorce)

 

Give em time..they will come around. If not there loss.

[Mizpah]

I'm with a widower.  When we first got together, he told me that his late fiancee's family and/or friends (I can't remember which or both now) wanted him to be alone forever and were upset by his dating or sleeping with people.  On the one hand, this of course is silly and awful.  But I kind of get the deeper down feeling that prompts this kind of unpleasant behavior/statement.  I think the people who loved DH/DW just want to feel like that person is supremely loved and missed.  I think some see recoupling as a premature stoppage of our loving and paying tribute to that person. 

 

When I met my boyfriend's late fiancee's sister, she told me that she was so relieved, that I was nothing like her sister - maybe she'd felt he was trying to replace her, but seeing as I was so different, she realized that a new relationship (at least with someone so different) wasn't a "replacement."  They will like her, and if they don't, it's not her they're not liking - it's that DW is gone.  You know this.  I'm just stating the obvious. 

 

As for younger/thinner, I think it's a sensitive topic for many women for various reasons - men's tendency (perceived or actual) to "go for" much younger women.  And of course, everyone wants to think their loved one was the best, most beautiful, most extraordinary in every way. 

 

(His late fiancee's family has extremely graciously welcomed me and treat me with so much love.  They were not at all excited to have to meet me, that I existed, but they came around immediately.  Maybe these people will too.)

[thejourney]

I agree (hope) they will come around with time.  Unfortunately, in the mean time, they are causing great difficulty in my relationship. Chapter 2 is having a real hard time with the 'if they don't like me its their loss' kind of thinking. She takes it very personally due to some unfortunate experience in her background.

I wish this path was easier!

[Trying]

They may come around and they may not.  Obviously it's their issue and not yours, you didn't trade your DW in for a younger model, you didn't reject her, she died.  It's very hurtful when friends and family can't get past their own issues and allow us our joys or our pain.  I'm sorry you are facing this and I hope it doesn't impact your relationship with your new partner.

[anniegirl]

I agree with Trying. This is their problem and not yours but should anything come up that causes your new love distress via this - it's kinda up to you to address it.

 

My husband's SILs were polite enough to me during the first year or so but privately each one confronted him about his moving on "too soon" and while he was restrained, he made it clear that this was not their business and he expected them to be adults and deal. If they needed to vent, they needed to find other ways to do it that didn't involve him or me.

 

It's sad when people project their fears and insecurities onto others but we don't have stand still and be target practice.

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Ditto to Trying and Annie's fine words. I met DH after his divorce and I remember going to one of his High school buddies parties, I was ostracized, not because I was younger or prettier but because he found a new happiness. The wives didn't like that. Some women/wives can be nasty/insecure. So pathetic.  And now here I am again.....not dating but not feeling like going through that again either.

Some of those bitches never were accepting of me although they never got to know me. My DH said to not give them a thought, their just being bitchy and insecure. He was so right.

[Guest Mel4072]

There is a saying "it is none of your business what other people think of you." If you give in to it, it only causes problems for you. If you can look at yourself in the mirror each day, that is the only opinion that matters. Best of luck!

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I agree.  As my students would say, "I have no more f*cks to give" at this point as to what other people people think of me.  And honestly, I've never felt so free.  Do what makes you happy.  To hell with the rest of it/them.

[Guest mawidow]

If widowhood has taught me anything, it's that people are incomparable and irreplaceable. It's funny that non-wids try to create a comparison or a breadcrumb trail between pre- and post-widowed life. As though we are "replacing" or "upgrading" or "disrespecting" our spouses.

 

Who I date now, the enjoyment and attraction I feel, are TOTALLY separate from what I experienced with DH. My choices now are not a reflection on how devoted I was to my marriage. It's not a comparison or beauty competition or bake-off. Sheesh.

 

You all deserve every morsel of happiness you have coming to you.

[serpico]

I hear through the grapevine small things they say about how they don't want to know my new partner, how they will never like her - but they have not met her!

 

Grapevine gossip is seldom 100% true, so I would go directly to the source(s).  Ask the ringleader or a couple of them if they have a problem with your new partner because you've heard they've been saying things.  I figure you have nothing to lose.  If they say 'yes' you can issue some sort of ultimatum, as in, 'this is how it's going to be, and if you want to remain part of my life you'll have to accept her and respect her'.  If they don't wish to do this then it truly is their loss.

 

On the other hand your grapevine source may have heard something out of context and maybe these women are much more supportive than you think.  If this is the case I'm sure they'll be glad that you cleared the air.

[Catnip]

This may be a little OT but I'm mad!

 

When I got married (June 14, 1980) our first dance wedding song was Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are." I still hear it frequently on the radio to this day. I'm a big fan of Billy Joel.

 

Over the 4th of July weekend Bill Joel got married, again. He's 66 years old and married a lovely 33 year old. Alexis Roderick is beautiful as well as pregnant with their baby. Why am I mad? Because he didn't marry ME! I'm his biggest fan. I've seen him in concert. I'm way closer in age to him than she is!! I'm now available. So, yes, I am jealous of her.

 

OK, OK, I wouldn't want to be anybody's 4th wife...

[Lmsmdm]

My mother started dating a long time family friend 11 mo after my step father passed (3 years before Big Guy died.). I was extremely happy for both of them. Approximately 7 mo into the relationship, I called my mom's cell and he answered it, of course it was at her asking.

 

I was taken back, and slightly pissed. A little back story, my mom and step dad were married since I was 9, I loved him as much as I love my dad. Of course I didn't let on that I was upset. Big Guy however, got an earful ha ha. In my little pea brain only 2 people were allowed to answer that phone, and one of them was dead. He put me in my place, and reminded me that he did what he was asked. It was my moms decision NOT mine. He was right, and i am so grateful that I kept my resentment to myself. It's been 7 years now, they got married this past March. I am just now letting go of that resentment.

 

My point is I was lucky and had someone point out it was MY issue not hers so hopefully, I was successful and my mother never caught on!! Your friends are having their issue. They may need time too.

 

Hugs, doesn't make it any easier.

[SieOma]

Not only is grapevine gossip unreliable, the grapevine itself is poisonous. I'm always suspicious of those who act as lattice.

[Guest nonesuch]

Not only is grapevine gossip unreliable, the grapevine itself is poisonous. I'm always suspicious of those who act as lattice.

 

^^this^^

 

There is a proverb that likely sounds more poetic in it's native language:

 

It takes two people for gossip to hurt you: one to make the statement, and the other to carry it to you.

 

On a somewhat related note, someone on Facebook sent a link to Dick van Dyke and his wife in a music video.  Yes, he is still alive, and the video is from this year.  Watching it, I thought his wife was half his age.  Actually, she is less than half his age.