Almost 1.5 years....

[Viva]

It has been almost one year and a half. I don?t know why I start missing him terribly lately. I feel so heavy in my heart and that  ?why would you leave me so early? question is in my head again.

 

There was a time I almost felt ok but now is like going back to the beginning again.

 

I think I just miss him......

 

[anniegirl]

It's just the ebb and flow. You haven't gone backwards. You're not starting over. You are still moving forward. This just happens. Will happen again but less and less as time passes.

 

Bad days still happen in the second year. It sometimes comes as a shock because we think we've turned some magic corner or passed a finish line a while back, so it's disappointing. Maybe even worrisome.

 

Missing never stops. Questioning either. The latter can become a loop in your mind that plays constantly.

 

I have no advice. I can only tell you that I simply decided to not allow myself to get caught up when the questions and the memories get stirred up. Some people believe in leaning in. I prefer to walk away. Mostly because I can't change anything by rehashing it and it never makes me feel better to do so in any case.

 

You find a way to move through these times that suits you. We all do. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. This is a process and it's still pretty new to you. It's going to be okay.

 

[Viva]

Thanks anniegirl. I feel better after reading your post. I just feel strange that I am like moving forward of my life but sometimes the emotion would just like going back. It is so hard to describe that feeling, I think it is like a new me walking in the old emotion at the same time.

 

I am sorry my words are confusing here.

 

[anniegirl]

I know what you mean. And it is hard to describe. But it is normal.

 

Life has this sort of duel quality to it for a while. You are in the present and the past at the same time though you are the only one who realizes it. To everyone else, you are here and now.

 

It fades. Over time the past is the past and now is now. I hate having to tell people that "you just need time" because it feels so unhelpful but it's the reality. There are still bumpy times in the second year but even though it feels like a setback, you are still moving forward.

[Carey]

I'm close to your timeline ... I'm at 19 months now and the others are right, I'll be damned if I know why, but there are times here in this 2nd year that feel as raw as the first week. I correlate it with so much of the first year being buffered by the sheer shock of it all, it's a blur.  2nd year you have clarity, and the reality of "he's NEVER EVER EVER coming back" .. the finality sinks in I think. It's when I realized theres no end to this, no point that if I can just get THERE it'll be different.  He's forever gone and I am forever changed and it's hard to face.  You know what the last year was like, you know that without change, the next year can't be much better   Hugs to you though, I am glad you are here with us, we understand.

[Jen]

I'm a few days shy of 15 months. I like the image of grief as a spiral-- we go round and round, it's not a straight line. We revisit the same places over and over, maybe a little further out, maybe with slightly new perspective. Eventually-- I hope-- we're far enough from our loss that we can see how much progress we've actually made, and we realize that, against all odds, we're okay.

 

That's what I'm hanging on for, anyway. (((((HUGS))))

[Virgo]

August 4th will be 1 1/2 years for me. I think at this point we're settling in to a new normal, a new routine, but with that brings new challenges. Moving forward is expected, but seems impossible at times without them. All of those happy moments are bittersweet because they're not here to share them with us. Two steps forward, one step back. This is how I feel right now anyway.

[lcoxwell]

I am a couple of months behind you, but just a few weeks back, I noted that I seem to be on a cycle of making some steps forward, feeling a little more positive, and then the grief monster rearing it's ugly head and starting all over again, about once every three months. In the little over a year, since I have been reading and posting on YWBB and here, I have noted that others comment on certain anniversaries being a little harder than others. For example, months 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, and 18 all seem to be times, where people make posts of feeling like they are taking steps backwards or struggling more with their grief. If you look at it from that perspective, then what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

 

The one thing we all know is that this is not an easy process, nor is there a particular point in time, when we can cross that magical finish line and say, "Okay, I made it. I no longer have to feel this miserable sense of loss and grief." I wish we could, but we cannot. The other thing we know, is that given enough time, those painful moments, while still there, begin to occur a little less often and are a little less intense. I am hoping that, for you, this period of grief will pass quickly and will allow you to begin moving forward again.

[Ursula]

Hi, I believe I am nearing 1.5 years, I have stopped counting, as it makes no difference. I hear all of your descriptions and I feel the same most of the time. For me it is like being suspended, in between times, there is no past and there is no future, just the present. I am also (sometimes) trying to actually do this consciously, live in the present only, but fail miserably as I am thinking back...to a time that was different.

I have many bad days, moments where it all comes crashing down. I find this second year harder, as it drags on. It is like crawling through the desert on your knees, after a while it hurts and is just too uncomfortable to live, but I have to carry on to get out of it.....

 

hugs to all you guys

 

[Viva]

I feel much better after reading all of your posts. We all do not want to be here but I am glad that I can share all these feelings with all of you.

 

I just wanna give my big hugs to all of you.

[tmppgh2015]

This is exactly how I feel. I do feel better after reading everyone post and it seems normal. I am only 16 months out and it just seems so much worse then the first year. I agree that it is the reality of how our lives have changed and I do think I am mourning my life lost, but I just don't know how to pull out of it. Most times I just think I can't, or don't want to try to do it anymore. If you tell anyone a sentence like that they look at you like your crazy. But until your life has been pulled out from you, you never understand. I also deactivated my Facebook account. It just became to difficult to see everyone loving their lives in bliss. I use to try to be positive and supportive, now I just do t have the energy.