Not new- but not active either

[PalomaQueNoPuedeVolar]

Hi,

I lost my DH in November of 2012. So it's been almost 3 years. Our son will be 3 in just two short days. The proximity of those two events annoy me and make me sad.

I don't even know why I'm writing. When I lost him, I immediately found the ywbb board and it helped me a lot. I was benefited because I saw that I wasn't alone. If I went to the board feeling awful, I would leave it feeling better. And if I logged on feeling somewhat okay, I would leave crying because of all the people I sympathized with. But it's been a long time since I've talked to any widows and widowers. I just don't find comfort in it anymore. I feel like there's no point in talking about him anymore. It's like picking at a wound for me. I have a hard time enough when I see his sisters having babies, and during holidays when I'm alone. And especially now that he's not here to see his long desired boy turn 3 years old.

And I find no comfort in reading people's sad stories. it does nothing for me and there's nothing I can say. As a widow, you'd think I'd know how to comfort a new widow, but no. No clue.

 

Lately I've been exploring the option of starting a blog... But no... I don't want my life out there. I've also been looking for boards. I was in a mom group but I had to leave because sometimes people's ignorance annoy me. I think it's just because I'm sad and very angry too. But that's another story.

I think what I need is a friend, and I have none. I need someone who can listen to me talk about my current life. Not what I lost, or what I wish I had, but the things that are going in. And in return, I would love to listen to someone talk about their life (which is why I watch YouTube blog videos). But people aren't honest with one another. I've never found someone who is willing to tell me things.

 

I feel really lonely, and even though I know this isn't the forum for me... I just need to get out my feelings. I've been looking for somewhere to write them out. Here it is. I just don't find gratification from anything anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so alone.

[linda5]

Today, I just finished reading a memoire about just that!  The book is called "Saturday Night Widows, by Becky Aikman.  She's tired of being sad, lonely, odd man out, and thus looks for other widows that want to move forward and not dwell on what happened to them.

 

It has given me plenty of food for thought. 

 

Wishing you happiness.

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Paloma,

 

I had developed friendships with widows/widowers from early in my widowhood journey, which started almost 6 years ago.  Some have become very deep friendships where the focus was not being widowed, but life as it was continuing.  Yes, we all had the understanding of being widowed.  That made for real authenticity in our friendships.

 

Some of those people held me up when my second husband died unexpectedly.  That was almost 19 months ago, and yes, those relationships are now more focused on widowhood - but those friends have stuck with me for my sake, even though their lives are no longer focused on active grieving.

 

I guess I'm just saying that you can develop friendships with people who are widowed that don't solely focus on widowhood.  Sharing a common experience can lead to a sense of understanding that you don't have to articulate.  But your relationship can be based on your current life and experiences and not be focused so much on grief. 

 

You might want to give it a try...since alone is a hard place to be.  Still, I realize that you know yourself best and will decide what works best for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Lisa]

I understand that feeling. I hope you come back. Just thought I would mention it is possible to keep a blog completely anon and private if you want to write

[Jen]

So many hugs. I can relate to just wanting a friend... I have some dear ones, but they all live in the computer. I don't have anyone nearby to call and say "let's go get a coffee and vent" or something like that. Most of the time I'm fine with that, but every once in awhile...

 

I'm an introvert, so I've never needed much in the way of human interaction, but since I lost dh, I've craved it more. I'm aware of being lonely-- sometimes acutely so. It's hard, and I don't have a good solution. People tell me I need to "put myself out there," but I don't really even know what that means. I'm just making it up as I go along.

[Ursula]

Hola PalomaQueNoPuedeVolar,

hugs to you. Your post made me think. And there has been some very sound advice given by Maureen. I have been to my first bago recently and it was lovely, I feel like I made some friends (and some felt like they have been friends before anyway)and there was what Maureen calls ' a sense of understanding that you don't need to articulate' .

Have you been to a bago? It may be a chance to meet people you can relate to and even people who live near you, so you could potentially get together frequently.

Also, why not open a page just for that, on this site? Where other subjects than the struggle with grief are on and which can be frequented by people on your wavelength?

Just thoughts. I hope you find company/ feel less alone soon.

Hugs