I'm Stuck

[BrokenHeart2]

I know I haven't posted in a while, I don't feel like I have much to offer.  I am so stuck, does anyone have tips on how to get unstuck?  I just feel like I just don't care and I want to care about having a life. OMG I want to be unstuck!!

[widowat33]

I wish I did have tips on how to get unstuck..

A couple of months ago I learnt a lot about the medicine wheel and how you can use it for self care. The four quadrants represent physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of your life. Quite often we neglect one or more of those aspects and it can throw us off balance. I know when I'm stuck, or don't care it's usually because I'm not taking care of my whole self.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not.. Sometimes we are just stuck, and I don't know if there's really anything we can do to get unstuck or if we just have to let it happen on it's own...or hope that it does.

Now I'm rambling, as I'm tired,lol...

 

 

[Jess]

I am glad you posted. Simply sharing you feel stuck IS something to offer because you by far are not the only one that feels that way and someone probably read your post and thought "oh thank goodness, it isn't just me."

 

That said, I am sorry that is how you are feeling. It is hard to give advice on how to get unstuck because what we are going through is so individual and I think too that sometimes having periods of time when we feel stuck is just part of this. While it feels awful, it is not an unhealthy reaction to crap circumstamces.

 

So, speaking for myself only, I have found I have had to not only want to be unstuck, but I have also had to give myself permission to not be stuck. For me, giving myself permission to really live seemed like a silly thing to do because of course I want to be happy, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw I was letting my grief dictate how I was living instead of accepting right now my grief doesn't define me and instead is simply a large part of me.

 

I have no idea if any of that is helpful. Again, with it being so individual the way I see things may be night and day from others.

[Trying]

I agree with Jess that it is vey individual, even what your definition of stuck is. The whys and what will help of course will vary person to person. I can only say I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, I have been there and I find that apathy about life is almost worse for me than the painful days.

 

Here is what has helped me, maybe you can translate some of it into your own situation. I needed to be intentional about becoming unstuck. I looked into different aspects of my life where I was no longer finding inspiration or motivation and picked one to Focus on changing. For me, it was a BIG one. I needed to move, to downsize and simplify. Once I made that decision, I found myself easily making choices about professional satisfaction and health/fitness. It has now snowballed and I am "un sticking"  in lots of areas in my life. I have a ways to go and all of this change has brought up some intense grief but I also feel self pride and excitement for the first time in 2 years.

 

Change doesn't have to be as dramatic as moving or Changing jobs. It can be picking up a

New hobby (or a long forgotten one), planning a trip somewhere, doing something out of your comfort zone, starting a fitness program, joining a meet up group. Something new and different.

 

Then give yourself permission to enjoy it, to spend idle time planning, researching, daydreaming about it. And when you still need a day to step back and grieve, allow yourself that time too.

 

I have had to realize that moving forward does not mean I am running away from or forgetting my past. My DH is a part of, 25 years of growing together and sharing life experiences. He is with me wherever I go and whatever I do and by deciding to keep living my life when his was cut dramatically short, is a way of honoring him.

Good luck and be patient with finding your inspiration, it will come in time if you look hard enough.

 

[Needytoo]

Big hugs to you BrokenHeart2.  I totally agree Jess and Trying giving yourself permission is really the starting point but I do know even that can sometimes be hard to do.  Having fun in some people triggers the stuck mode again. 

 

I find mediation and practicing mindefullness/living in the now also helps me stay in the present and this took me awhile to adjust to. 

 

I remember being so against writing in a journal but now I do it.  At first I found it really sucked because now you are actually documenting the wild things going through the brain but I found it didn't take long to find good things that happened during the day. 

 

Keep posting that also will help you. 

[Jen]

(((((BH2)))))))

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. I honestly don't know if I'm stuck these days or not. I'm okay, I guess-- not thrilled with my life, but not suicidal anymore, either. I have good moments-- more often than really bad ones, though I still have nights when I cry myself to sleep. I don't have a lot of hope that there will be any drastic improvement in my life circumstances, but I don't completely hate where I am.

 

The biggest change I've noticed is that, even though I don't expect my life to ever be roses and sunshine again, my self-esteem seems to have increased significantly. For the first time ever, I look in the mirror and I mostly like what I see. I like me... although I'm starting to come to terms with the idea that no one else ever will again. (If someone proves me wrong, great, but I don't expect it.)

 

So I don't know. Am I stuck? Have I made progress? I really don't know. I do understand feeling like I don't have much to contribute anymore... I think I've said pretty much all there is to say, there's not a lot I can add to the conversation. I've embraced the Widow's Motto: It Is What It Is. Most of the time, it's enough.

 

(((((more hugs))))))

[BrokenHeart2]

I want to thank you all for your wise words and support. I haven't been on here much lately and feel like I'm being a taker and that's not who I am. You have all helped me so much and I so appreciate it all. I'm trying to find my way.

Just when I think things are starting to look up I get sucked down hard and fast and I'm getting so tired of that. I do realize I'm starting to see some of me coming back and discovering the new me is intriguing as well. Sweet dreams dear people!

[Captains wife]

First of all, Im sorry about being "stuck" - I so understand this as others do on this board. The great thing about this Board is that sometimes we give advice and assistance but there are times when we need it so others can reciprocate. Being a "taker" sometimes is a-ok and totally understandable.

 

I think being "stuck" is different for everyone but when I personally find myself "stuck" I let myself feel bad for a period but then I try and find ways to make changes to make myself feel like something positive is happening in my life. It can be a big life change or it can be a little life change, or just doing something for yourself (or for yourself and kids). I am a big list person so I try and refocus on stuff I need to get done in my life and crossing those things off, even one at a time, feels good. I exercise regularly for the endorphins and have changed my diet for more energy. I treat myself (i.e. new haircut, massage, new clothes) and sometimes something that small can give me a little boost. I force myself to get out and socialise more - with people I want to see. Although I may not feel like it at the time, it gives me a great boost usually thereafter. For work, I get down about this place sometimes but then I try and find a project that does interest me and I try and get wrapped up in it to keep my mind busy and also feel statisfied when it is done. I have joined social organizations to make new friends and I will sometimes volunteer (i.e delivering meals etc) as it feels good to do something for someone else. I try and think about what I want to do with my life, what makes me happier and my son happier and I work towards that when I have the energy. ie. I want to take my son to England next year so I have started thinking about the logistics of this trip. I took my husband there the year after we married + I have friends and family there.

 

Getting unstuck is not easy but hope some of this helps and I wish you all the best.

[Max2507]

ugh, yes I understand feeling stuck and feel like I am wallowing in it this week. What has helped me be unstuck in a mental way is exercise, going out with friends (even when I completely don't want to), kayaking, getting outside, sometimes I just lay in the grass and feel connected to the earth. That last one sounds weird but it is somehow therapeutic for me. What is really causing me to be stuck is a lot of stuff that I had nothing to do with yet now I am stuck with such as employing my BIL to operate a business location that is not making money, I have my MIL cat (I loved my MIL dearly so I would never do anything with the cat but I still have her), I have my husband's ex wife fucking chihuahau dog that is 16 years old and spry as can be (she was going to take it to the pound so she said, manipulative bitch) I love the dog but I don't want a dog I wouldn't do anything with her either because I couldn't give her away after she's lived with me14 years. I have rental properties that barely break even, need repairs blah blah, I am stuck trying not to be bitter about the stuff he stuck me with, what the hell am I supposed to do with a big box of his family photos that his doesn't seem interested in either? HE was the good stuff and he's gone. Sorry for the vent/partial angry hijack.

[Missmybecky]

I am glad you posted. Simply sharing you feel stuck IS something to offer becausethat way and someone probably read your post and thought "oh thank goodness, it isn't just me."

 

Yep, I feel stuck also. Just passing time....

[Virgo]

Just when I think things are starting to look up I get sucked down hard and fast and I'm getting so tired of that. I do realize I'm starting to see some of me coming back and discovering the new me is intriguing as well. Sweet dreams dear people!

 

I have these ups and downs too, but have noticed they are getting further apart. It really helps me to set daily goals. When I'm able to mark something off of my list I feel like I've accomplished at least something. It helps me stay 'up.' I also try to put myself first once in awhile. That's hard to do as an only parent. We all need a recharge once in awhile. Find something that helps you recharge. Dancing, exercise, a sport, cooking, baking, a craft or hobby, something.

[Catherine]

This post was the exact reason I had been looking for somewhere to go lately.....I'm stuck too

 

I lost Phil 22 months ago. 2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life.  Lost my Mum to MS in January, lost my husband to suicide in October.

 

My Mum was ill all my life, so I have always been a "you just have to get on with it" kind of person.  Right now, I wouldn't say I'm happy, I'm "OK" and just dealing with life really.  I move back to my hometown in March 2014 (which was the plan already before I lost Phil) and live with my 2 dogs.  I have never not lived with another person all my life so it took some getting used to.

 

The 2 year anniversary is coming up and I guess that's why everything is on my mind again  :-\

 

I'm at a point where I am feeing "stuck".  I think more than anything I am grieving for my old life, I feel like I am the old me stuck in my new life. Pretty much all my friends are married and/or have kids, so not their fault in anyway, but I very frequently feel left out, or something I am not invited to stuff because it's a "kids day"  So that's pretty hard.  For the same reason I don't get out much, because my friends are home with their families.......how do you make new friends in your 30's???

 

I made some health changes at the beginning of the year, I go back into fitness and am making sure I am eating healthy.  I also make sure I walk my dogs at least 1 hour every day as well.

 

A couple of things that have made me feel shitty recently........during a work appraisal......."where do you see yourself in 5 years?".  Me in my head "well I thought I would have my husband and probably have a couple of kids by then, that's clearly not going to happen now" combined with "I can hardly think about next month let along next week".  Then I was booking a photo shoot for me and my dogs (lame I know ha!!) and as I was booking over the phone, the lady was like "oh, you can bring the rest of the family with you too if you want?" me "erm.......nope........just me".

 

So generally, feeling a bit low, anyone else with me?

[BrokenHeart2]

Oh yeah, feeling really low. My less than 5 yr old lab died 4 months to the day I lost my DH. I can't bring myself to get another dog although I've tried and others have tried to get me to too.  I'm just not ready, I can't bear the thought of loosing it too.  I feel like I'm still walking through the valley so I can't bear to loose anything more.

 

[Jen]

Low here as well, though I sort of suspect this is the best I can hope for, so I may as well get used to it. I'm okay, I'm fine, but I have zero hope for good, or even somewhat better. Where will I be in five years? If I'm lucky, dead. Okay, no, I can't say that-- have to stick around for the long haul. And believe it or not, I really am trying to be more positive. So-- let's see. Five years. Maybe in another state? A new environment might help a lot... I don't know. Wherever I go, there I am, so would it make a difference?

 

I'm fine. I'm enough. If I keep telling myself that, surely I'll start to believe it... ?

 

... I can't bear the thought of loosing it too.  I feel like I'm still walking through the valley so I can't bear to lose anything more.

 

 

Oh, this is me. This is so me. I can't stand the thought of losing anyone or anything else. By the same token, I don't want anyone or anything new to care about. No more feels, please. Just... no more.

[injo]

... I can't bear the thought of loosing it too.  I feel like I'm still walking through the valley so I can't bear to lose anything more.

 

 

Oh, this is me. This is so me. I can't stand the thought of losing anyone or anything else. By the same token, I don't want anyone or anything new to care about. No more feels, please. Just... no more.

 

Well, count me in as well....I feel that way too and it's frightening me: to care again = the fear of loosing again,

and therefore avoiding it(not even always intentionally). I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

I'm done with loosing, I have lost to many.

 

[injo]

Oh, this is me. This is so me. I can't stand the thought of losing anyone or anything else. By the same token, I don't want anyone or anything new to care about. No more feels, please. Just... no more.

 

Sorry Jen, this is your quote(something went wrong)

[hikermom]

I'm so sorry you are feeling stuck but so glad you posted. Don't worry about being a "taker" - we've all been there. You need support and that is why this board is here. That is it.

 

As others have said, the process of becoming unstuck is very individual. And frankly, strategies can vary for me from moment to moment. Part of it is reminding myself that I've been stuck before and have come through it. So holding out hope for future action based on past success.

 

One thing that helps me in all areas of my life - not just grieving - when I'm stuck is breaking it down into little bite sized pieces.Sometimes everything feels so overwhelming that I become immobilized. I move through life getting done the bare minimum I need to do to function as a mother and employee. When that happens, I try to identify one or two concrete actions I can take that will help me feel more in control. Something as simple as sitting down and paying bills can lead to the next action. For me the feeling of "stuck" comes from inaction when I'm overwhelmed. If I can create actionable items, I can feel better able to then focus on myself and what I need to move forward.

 

I hope you find a way to manage this and know that you will move through this. It is truly part of healing.

 

 

[Jen]

((((((INJO))))))

 

((((((EVERYONE)))))))

 

Still hoping for hope...

[Euf]

My husband has been dead for almost 9 years. I felt stuck for a long time. But from 9 years out, I can see that I really wasn?t.  Maybe moving slowly but not stuck. I wish I could give you tips for getting unstuck but  (although it sounds trite)  sometimes it just takes time until you can see how far you have actually come. I think it may not be that we are stuck so much as we are impatient. Understandably impatient.  Once we had a real life but when we are widowed we end up in some limbo land where we don?t really seem to fit anywhere. Time keeps moving but we live in two worlds: the world of the past and the world of the present.  The future just seems to take so long to get here.

 

Just some rambling thoughts.

 

[Jen]

I think it may not be that we are stuck so much as we are impatient. Understandably impatient.  Once we had a real life but when we are widowed we end up in some limbo land where we don?t really seem to fit anywhere. Time keeps moving but we live in two worlds: the world of the past and the world of the present.  The future just seems to take so long to get here.

 

 

YES!!!! Sorry to yell, but YES, this sums it up exactly!!!

 

I hate this. I hate that I exist in this purgatory-- no past, no future, just this endless bleak now. I'm sure that's a terrible attitude, and I really am trying to modify it (affirmations, mindfulness), but this is where I am. As far as I can tell, it's where I'll always be. I recognize that that's not necessarily a rational perspective... change is the only constant in life, it's unlikely-- impossible?-- that in a year, five years, I'll be where I am today. But from where I'm sitting now, all I see is that straight, unbending, gray road, and I want to sit down right here and refuse to move another step. I'm so done. I don't want to do this anymore.

 

Nine years... I can't even imagine. When I'm 9 years out, I'll be... 48 years old. That doesn't seem too old, objectively speaking, but the idea of me being 48 is unfathomable to me. The idea of being 48 and alone is... horrifying.