I'm falling apart

[twistedmensa]

I'm so tired of being responsible for everyone around me. I can't even take care of myself and my kids. My garage is filled with boxes that I still need to go through and organize, so I can't even park my car in it. I still haven't dealt with most of the estate issues and I have yet to hang a single thing on my walls. I haven't even hooked up my stereo (and this is a big deal as I am an obsessive audiophile). It takes an act of Congress to even motivate me to go grocery shopping.

 

I am angry and resentful. What I really want to do is hide in my cave and be left alone. I am not ready to be a caretaker to my mother and brother. I haven't cried in three days. I wish this was due to my improving disposition, but I have become so numb that tears are just not possible. I don't like who I have become. I miss laughing.

 

I am hoping this is a passing phase, DH's birthday was on the 25th. I had planned to go to the cemetery, but my brother ended up in the hospital for several days and it fell to me to live at the hospital during that time. My husband is the one who I would turn to for support in times like this, and he is currently unavailable to listen to me rant.

[Trying]

Big hugs to you.  It sounds like you have way too much on your shoulders.  I understand that your brother and mother are family but if taking care of them is going to break you that is a heavy price to pay.  Who will then take care of you and your kids?  It is very hard for me to put my own. Weds and wellbeing first but I do think it's very important that we try to otherwise we are no good for anyone else.

 

These things are so difficult to handle without our partner by our side, I'm so sorry you are doing it all alone.

[donswife]

I am so sorry and this can be so overwhelming it stops us from moving forward or at all

I don't have kids but even Just me having to help take care of my Mom (staying two nights a week )

is exhausting, mentally and physicially

I swear I truly haven't had real time to grieve for Don and that is making me really angry

I am sure the same is true for you

so I understand a bit where you are coming from and I wish I could make it better for you

take care of yourself if you can

 

[IfIonlycould]

tm-The second year was so much harder for me than the first, it was when I really began to realize what I had been left with (and without).  Anything you can accomplish, anything, will help.  I had so much I needed to do then as I had to get the house on the market to sell, it was all so overwhelming and I remember resenting all I had been stuck with, I would just sit on the couch and cry or stare at the wall.  I shared this with my therapist and he told me pick out a task that needs to be done, I told him for instance paint the garage windows, he told me then fine gather all of your supplies and paint the windows, cry, scream, curse God if you want but when it is all over at least the windows will be painted.  That has helped me tremendously in this journey and over the seven (yes, seven) years that he has been gone.

I am sorry you have a reason to be on this board, I am sorry any of us do....

[Guaruj]

I'm so tired of being responsible for everyone around me. I can't even take care of myself and my kids. My garage is filled with boxes that I still need to go through and organize, so I can't even park my car in it. I still haven't dealt with most of the estate issues and I have yet to hang a single thing on my walls. I haven't even hooked up my stereo (and this is a big deal as I am an obsessive audiophile). It takes an act of Congress to even motivate me to go grocery shopping.

 

I hope you put a priority on getting the stereo up and running. Once you do that, you put on some music to listen to while you unpack those boxes.

 

I need to hook up my own stereo. I didn't do it after we moved because I knew it would conflict with the furniture arrangement Catherine wanted. It's my house now, and it needs a stereo system.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Guest TooSoon]

. It takes an act of Congress to even motivate me to go grocery shopping.

 

I hope you put a priority on getting the stereo up and running. Once you do that, you put on some music to listen to while you unpack those boxes.

 

For what it is worth, at nearly 3 years I've still got estate issues to resolve and my relationship with the grocery store remains as gridlocked as Congress is.

 

But I agree with the previous post, stereo first.  Music has saved me on a nightly and morningly basis.  It is an act of self-preservation!  Boxes, on the other hand?  Meh.  They can wait. 

 

Mostly just empathy.  Sending support. 

[lcoxwell]

I am going to jump on the bandwagon and advise you to get that stereo up and running. Being a fellow audiophile, I can tell you that music can make all the difference in the world for one's mood. Beyond that, I am going to share the same advice we so often share with the new widows and widowers. Remember to be kind to yourself, and to take care of yourself, as best as you can. For now, just do what you have to in order to take care of the things that are necessary. Everything else can wait. Take it one step at a time, and give yourself permission to not do anything, if you need to. Most of all, just remember to breathe.

[twistedmensa]

I've stared at this stereo all night and the damn thing never did set itself up. I think it's mocking me. Now it's after 4:30 and I need to at least try and nap before I have to get my son ready for school. So back to the same old "I really need to do this" and then not do it....again...sigh.

 

So I will set this goal for tomorrow. I will set up the stereo, albeit temporarily, as the TV is currently sitting in the spot I intend for the receiver. I still need to bolt the TV to the wall...I can't imagine how long it will take me to finally commit to drilling the holes in my wall to mount it.  Maybe I should just go to Best Buy and pay them to do it for me. It would be worth the $80 just for the peace of mind that it's finally done.

 

I hate this new life.

[Trying]

Call Best Buy and get them to do it all!  I had them mount my TV on the wall over the fireplace, quick and easy for them, would've been a nightmare for me. One thing I'm learning is that I need to get help with certain things, if there's no one to ask then I have to pay someone

[Guest TooSoon]

Agreed.  Since Scott died, I've learned to pay for things just to get them done.  It would have been anathema before but I can't do it all alone, nor do I want to. 

[mmg19]

I've paid to get things done that I would have never paid for.  I've cut the budget to bare bones and it was the best thing I ever did to use the money to pay someone and it is done right. 

[twistedmensa]

Guess I'll be hitting Best Buy tomorrow. I hate paying for stuff that I KNOW isn't that difficult, but that's my new life. I even broke down and paid to have the fluids in my motorcycle changed out. I have always done my own maint. on my bike, but my garage is currently being used as a storage room and my HOA doesn't allow vehicle maint. Sadly, my neighborhood is full of people that like to report others for minor infractions. I've actually started hiding my "stealth flamingos" in my bushes as a way to "stick it to The Man."

[twistedmensa]

UPDATE:

 

FINALLY!!! I have stereo enjoyment! Geek Squad mounted the tv to the wall today and I hooked up the stereo...I'm not so sure the neighbors are happy, but I'm ecstatic!!!

 

I may have to break down and update my receiver. It's a 15 year old Harmon Kardon, I really like it, but it doesn't have any HDMI hookups, and that's how most new components are configured. Looking for one that is 4K compatible, but this will get me by for a while.

 

First up on the playlist: Lana Del Rey, Ride....

 

[Virgo]

Enjoy your stereo system!

[kjs1989]

twistedmensa,  congrats on getting the stereo up and going!

 

I still have all those boxes too. I am at three years. For the longest time I could do nothing. There are days I still do nothing. And the estate stuff is just now coming to a close, too, after three years. And in the middle of my grief, 18 months ago, my elderly dad became very ill and was admitted to the hospital four hours away. He died a few weeks later. My siblings, who live in other states, expected me to be the one to make arrangements for my teenagers ( who I basically left alone for days and weeks on end because of no other options) to go tend to my dad and my mom ( my mom was alone in their apartment). It was so overwhelming. My anxiety was through the roof. My two siblings came when it was convenient for them; I was not allowed that luxury, because I was the closest one, was the argument.

 

So, I so understand. So overwhelming to have it all on US. It sucks. I have found I just do a little bit every day. Just a little bit. Go to the DMV. Call my attorney about a matter. Take the car for an oil change. Clean out one box. Take a few boxes to Goodwill.  Call someone about a house maintenance matter. Clean out a cabinet. Call for a medical appointment. Call the dentist.

 

Now, even though I still have so much to do, when I look around I can tell I have made progress. There will always be interruptions and people wanting my time.  I just try to be flexible and say no to demands I  just can't handle. My kids always have needs so I have to work around that stuff. They have learned to be very independent even though they still love to do the guilt thing if they can get by with it. Sometimes, admittedly, I am guilty of giving it right back at them. We are ALL a work in progress.

 

Hang in there.