Carey Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Ive had a HELL of a week. and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I really thought I was doing better. I've had probably a total of 8 hours sleep since Monday night. Nightmares are back. Thinking about him obsessively. Prone to crying a lot. Shaking..etc. Ok so yes maybe I can sort of figure out why. You know I posted the other day about John nearly dying. His blood sugar is still over 300 but he is home and resting. I really thought once he was out of the hospital the freaking out I was doing would subside some. Hes OKAY. I have to keep telling myself that. I had another MRI of my brain this morning, this time with contrast and I hate IVs and it took them what seemed like FOREVER to do the test and now I'm scared of the results. I'm supposed to be able to stop the chemo pills Christmas eve. Unless this test today shows no/too little improvement. I told John the other day I wasn't taking them anymore and I didn't want to be here. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I played hooky from work yesterday to take care of him so his wife could go to work. I personally wasn't satisfied with his fluid intake and I was pushing water at him so then he said I'll drink if you'll take your pills. Dirty pool I'll tell ya., So the night was spent puking and sweating and crying. Im just so over it and done and tired. And then I dreamed I was back in the funeral home and I walked up to the gurney to see Chad, only it was John. Then turned around and Chad's body was on the other side of the room. They were both in there dead as dead can be and I just kept turning from one to the other trying to make them wake up. I got my feelings all hurt last night with John's wife, I bounce back and forth between their house and mine and some days I just feel like I don't belong either place. I honestly considered sleeping in my truck. I failed my first drug test I've ever even had to take .... my office is being bought out by a large hospital and we had our occupational health screenings Tuesday. Monday night because John scared me so bad by almost dying, I took 2 of his wife's Xanax. I've been prescribed it before,even have a bottle at my house still and mine were 1 mg. Hers were only .25 mg. And I only took 2. So for a half a milligram of Xanax I could be in trouble at work. I was nasty to a coworker this morning. There are black circles under my eyes. My head is pounding and the tears are just right there waiting to fall at the next thing. I need rest. When I close my eyes I see dead bodies. That MRI this morning freaked me completely out .. I'm not a thin girl so had to be strapped to the table to keep arms legs and stuff in the right place and not move and have my head and neck in a cage. Didn't do well and had to come back to work. I want my husband. I want MY LIFE BACK DAMNIT. Ive done nothing but whine and cry all week ya'll and I'm sorry. I have no where else to turn. I went to the store Wednesday night after John was discharged to get him some bottled water and for God's sake I needed some feminine things. I was supposed to have $12. I get to the register, stuff is already rung up...... there's $2 there. Turns out my son took it. When I'm at my house I can't even relax for feeling lied to or stolen from or underappreciated and when I'm at their house I get all pissy because she's lazy and won't do anything but whine about her losses (see my other rambly thread.. sorry ..ugh) she walked in last night and didn't so much as say hi after I dragged my sick ass self up and made dinner for her husband and her girls. I feel like Cinderella there. I have nowhere. I'm a square peg in a round hole. And I really don't need to be around anyone today ... I can't believe how nasty I have been to people today. I want to go to Fayetteville and just lay on Chad's grave and sleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Carey, sending you virtual support. That is a hell of a lot you have on your plate -vent away. Also, for your follow-up results, if there is any chance an MD can give you a prescription for Xanax for the amount you took or something that will support you in your drug test, that might help to alleviate that worry. Keep going. Wishing you courage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 i went back and read that and I sound so pathetic I just can't even anymore. Don't want to be here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 You're not pathetic. You're facing really difficult stuff. I hope that you find some comfort today. Check in and let us know how you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 ((((((((((((((AMY))))))))))))))))) I wish I could make it better. I wish my heartfelt "I'm sorry" could make a difference. Please just know you're not alone, and you're NOT pathetic. You're hurting. How can we help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 I'm obviously not ok. Which is weird because I don't remember being this bad LAST year. Next month is hell month. It's the anniversary of his death. It's his birthday. It's our sons birthday. It's thanksgiving. It's our wedding anniversary. Matter of fact, all of that falls in the same WEEK. Oct 2013 he was in Saudi, and this guy there drank himself to death. They were going to let Chad accompany the body back to the states so I was supposed to get a visit with him. It fell through and he wasn't able to come and obviously we all know I never saw him again in person. This past Saturday was my friends' anniversary. Their 18th. I ended up babysitting their girls while they went back in their bedroom for an anniversary "date" because money was tight. I babysat for them last year too, but they went to Virginia and I had the girls here and I was fine. This was just SO in my face. That my anniversary number will never go up. I got one week shy of 18 years. The year he died, I tried to commit suicide on our anniversary and then last year tried again on Halloween. Maybe my health issues are compounding things but I'm back to the crying every day. And I just don't feel supported. John tries but hell he was just diagnosed with diabetes last week and damn near died himself. I can't pile a bunch of emotional crap on him. Tammy , for all the fact that she can't get over losing her parents she doesn't understand ME. I think she's scared she'll get some on her, especially with the close brush with her own husband last week so I can't really talk to her. Add to that trying to feed 11 people on MY very limited money (how did I end up in that position in the first damn place??? why are their problems mine??) .... it's taking a toll. im back listening to the sad playlist and I'm back being mad when others are happy and why do they get to keep their spouse and I didn't. feeling incredibly selfish but don't know how to stop it, and then I just think ... why bother with any of it? I just want to be able to go to sleep and be with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedmensa Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. Sending a virtual hug, wish I could offer up some words of wisdom, but I am sadly short on words these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I hope you can find some small (if not big) ways to make yourself a priority. We can't keep giving and doing for others when our tank is empty. You have so much to deal with and obviously you have such a huge and giving heart but everyone has their limits. Wishing you some peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Amy, are you around? Give us a shout out, would you? (((((((HUGS)))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 You are dealing with so much right now, and thoughts of hell month coming up probably aren't helping to ease the burden. I'm so sorry you have so much going on right now. It has to be overwhelming. You aren't being selfish at all. It's normal to wonder why me? I can't tell you how many times I question why things are the way they are. The friends going into their room while you babysat their girls had to hurt, a lot. Although I'm sure their intention wasn't to hurt you but rather to enjoy their anniversary together, it was still pretty thoughtless of them. Sending you hugs and hoping you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't have internet at home right now, and living out there with the cows my phone signal isn't good enough, so most of my board posting is done at work. Tsk Tsk on me. But I'm here. Whats left of me. I think the chemo is just wearing me down so much physically I don't have it in me emotionally or mentally to face everything. I'm exhausted. Have to work anyway. Hair has fallen out more this time than before. Had to get it cut over the weekend and I hate it but I should shut up and be glad it's still there and pray it stays. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I feel like I catch myself saying that all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soloact Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Carey, no need to apologize. You are dealing with a lot if there were no health issues. I hope you get a some peace and much needed rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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