Rock and hardplace, opinions please

[Torn]

Frustration so badly, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    My wife passed on June 3, 2014,

directly afterward my daughter & her husband moved in to "help me out", and its been tough on me for a multitude of reasons.

  Alott went on right before my wife passed, she was having a midlife crisis & dealing with me, I'm recently disabled & we had been through so much stress & multiple surgeries to attempt to correct what's wrong with me physically I have a brain herniation.

  3 weeks before she passed away we married off our daughter,this was stressful on us both .

 

  Fastfoward to current day, I have a had time letting go of things she and I acquired during our marriage.

She forced on me several Yorkshire terriors,knowing I wasn't a dog person.

    Now I mention these dogs because they had become a part of our lives + now that she's gone I'm having problems letting them go.

    My daughter recently had a child 3 weeks ago & she has become bossy with me regarding the dogs (3of them),prior to her giving birth she had no issue with the dogs other than her husband who doesn't like them, in all fairness I feel like he doesn't like me and honestly speaking I don't care for him either.

    So today in "my house" I was told if I didn't get rid of them or figure a way to keep them with me  which I can't, I stay in one bedroom (disabled) and couldn't stand all 3 of them in one room.

  That they would find somewhere else to live.

  Well they don't help me in anyway to begin with & the soninlaw and I just clash personality wise, all I've done is provided them a place to stay and have had to listen to all the junk that comes along with newlyweds.

    I don't know what to do,however I'm so dang mad that I'm In this position,I don't know what to do.

    It seems I've been issued a ultimatematem to choose one or the other,thing is these lil dogs remind me and attach me to my wife who has passed on now.

 

  I hate being disabled & feeling I have to settle/ obey b.s. ultimatums & when it's associated with my wife now gone I really am stuck.

  Any ideas, common issues/ thoughts?

Sorry for the rant I just am not sure exactly what's got me so mad, other than our daughter who I love is attempting to boss me around like im  her child.

 

  Does this sound familiar I'm any aspect to any of you guys & ladies?

 

 

 

 

[widowat33]

Sounds frustrating for you. I don't blame you for ranting or being upset.

It is your house, they moved in with you, it is really not fair for them to issue ultimatums and try to confine you in one room with all three dogs in YOUR house.

It kind of sounds like they have just taken over.

I personally would say ok if you can't handle the dogs in MY house then I guess the only thing that would work for all of us is if you did move out. I would also explain how much these dogs have come to mean to you and that they serve a connection between you and your dw.

If they aren't helping you by being there and there are personality clashes between you and son in law, is it possible that maybe the option of them moving out is such a terrible one? I could actually see it as a positive thing for the relationship between you and your daughter and son in law. It is not easy to live with family, and to be honest as a newlywed that would've been the last thing I would have wanted to do. Maybe they are ready to go and are looking for an excuse to leave?

Again this is all personal opinion, and as we know we all handle things differently, but I just feel that open communication is always the best way to resolve issues.

I hope everything works out ok for you!

[Torn]

Thanks for your help & thoughts.

    I agree  it does seem as if they're looking for a reason to go.

  It's difficult when there's 3 people,most times it seems there's tension.

   

  It's different for a husband to loose their spouse of 20 years and for a daughter to loose their mother.

  I wanted to make sure my daughter was/is ok, and coping well with the loss of her mother since I to lost my mother at her age.

 

  Her baby is 3 weeks old and  Im unsure what's going on but it seems that she 'thinks' somehow

  there's justifiable reason to tell me what to do.

     

Thanks again for the thoughts and opinions

 

[Torn]

I didn't see an option to add to my prior post,so here goes...lol

 

  I was never a dog person and always preferred cats, crazy thing about this is after my wife passed I became close to the dogs.

    This has rattled my cage in a terrible way,it feels as though I'm being told to choose between things that where my wife's & our own child.

 

Oddly enough being told this via text message, from our daughter who I just spoke to.

  Odd situation .

Sorry everyone this just has me ticked off.

 

[Justin]

I think that widowat33 has some great advice. My wife died July 2014, with my daughter at the cusp of 16. Yes, I do cave in sometimes because I feel like she has lost so much but feel like I do a pretty good job of not doing it too often. There seems to be something much larger at work here, however.

 

I am wondering if they are ready to move out, and she feels guilt about leaving you alone now. Forcing your hand takes that responsibility away from her and places that decision on you. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with her about this,in person. I also feel that it is your house, your dogs, you are the dad and that they need to abide by your choice to keep the dogs (I also have a Yorkie, so I am biased). Keep in mind that if they do move out - it is THEIR decision, not yours, and don't let them try to instill any sort of guilt in you.

 

Good luck, Torn.

[Torn]

I want to say thank you so much for your straight opinion.

  This situation has certainly caused anger and stress for me .

 

  I will have a heart to heart with her concerning this 'text':

Buster and pup are locking up. If she has more puppies and we can't do something about the dogs getting out of here we are going to to find our own place to live.

 

  So above is the text & I had just spoke to her and she said nothing,texting is so odd to me especially when it's something serious.

Thank you guys

[Mizpah]

I'm sorry.  This sounds so painful.  First of all, I think multiple adults in a household is automatically difficult.  And then there are so many intense, emotional things going on: widowhood, newly disabled, new marriage, new baby/motherhood.  Does the state or federal gov't subsidize or provide assistance based on your disability?  Perhaps it would be better to have her close but not cohabitating.  It is your home.  I say often to my boyfriend's son: "Whose house is this?  Who's in charge around here?"  "Daddy."  I'm really sorry you have to deal with all of this.  It's so much.

[Catnip]

We have a cat, Calvin (aka the Calvinator). He is now 6 years old. My youngest son moved out of the house and has his own place. He adopted a beautiful purebred German Shepherd puppy, who is now an almost full size 2 year old. He is well trained, they took puppy training classes. My son comes home every Sunday for Sunday dinner, and brings the dog. That's fine, except that Calvin does not want the company of a dog in HIS house. They fight like, well, cats and dogs. So when my son comes, I put the cat in the bedroom and close the door until they leave. It's not fair to my cat, but I want to see my son, and they come together. I can put up with it because it's only temporary. Keeping them separate is the best solution.

 

You, however, have to live in this situation. I question your grandchild. For now, a newborn can be kept away from the dogs, but just wait until he starts crawling and walking. If your daughter plans to move out one day, and you have already given away your pets, you will be alone. I would hope you speak with your daughter about making it livable for all (dogs included!).

[soloact]

Torn, I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. Are you able to live independently or do you need someone in the home with you? If you can manage without housemates you have more options.

[Guest nonesuch]

Grown up people who are having their own babies can find their own apartment.  It shouldn't be a hardship for them, and logically thinking, they might have secured their own home before having a baby.  Grownups do that.

 

If hubby's job, or hers took them to a new city, you would be managing your own place, one way  or another.  You'd have found a housemate on Craig's List, or sold your home and moved into senior housing (that would accept pets) or any number of other solutions. 

 

I would suggest if your dogs aren't neutered (Buster and pup are locking up?)  you do attend to that, as you probably don't need more dogs to look after.  Or maybe there's a market for pedigreed pups in your city, I don't know. 

 

Never had kids myself, I never had the temperament for it.  Someone who started telling me what to do with the pets I was taking good care of would have an eviction notice on her place-mat at breakfast the next morning.

 

You can see why I didn't have kids.  I'd have sucked at it.

 

 

[Trying]

Married, mom dies, moving in with a disabled Dad, and a new baby all in a few short months. Wow.  However you decide to set the boundaries (and regardless of what she is going through, you need to set boundaries in your house), I would be mindful of her experience when you talk to her.  The important thing is to preserve your relationship and if they need to find other living arrangements and you find other means of getting the assistance you need, then do that. 

 

I'm really very sorry for how difficult things are for you right now, it sounds like you need your space to grieve without this added stress.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

This sort of bullying by children of their parents is why there are public service announcements on the radio in my city encouraging older people to seek help.

 

This is exactly the sort of situation that devolves into signing the deed to the house over to a child and being forced out of one's own home.  The young couple isn't "helping" if the only actions they take is telling Torn how to live his life, with only their own benefits, desires, and needs in mind.

 

[Trying]

I agree that a man (or woman) needs to have control and respect in his own home and having adult children living at home can be very difficult under the best of circumstances. I've had 3 babies and was under no additional emotional stress when I had them yet I was an emotional mess at times. I wasn't in any way implying that Torn should allow himself to be bullied, only to be sensitive to his daughter's experience when handling the situation. This is a family in a very raw state of grief and major life changes. I hate seeing families torn apart when they need each other the most. But being there for each other might mean not living together.

[Torn]

  I agree on all points and am thankful for the thought and ideas.

 

See here's the thing:

 

  In 18 months, my wife of 20 years which is her mother passed away 3 weeks after our daughter got married.

Married off daughter

Wife/Mom passed

Married off daughter

Daughter has baby

 

That's alott of stuff to deal with.

 

  I'm 42 & disabled, these dogs have a tie to my wife and honestly all things related to my wife are obviously precious,because she's gone.

 

  At the time of my wife passing our daughter was living in a aweful place (drug laden) area with her husband of 3 weeks.My wife wanted her to move in to get her away from that area.My wife passed & daughter and her husband moved in.

 

 

  I felt I needed to be clear.

 

  My house is 4 bedroom they have 2 bedroom & I live in one.

    There's plenty of room & I love my daughter ,concerning the grandchild crawling..etc their us 700 square feet to crawl in that has no animals do no problem there.

 

  See all these things tie to the simple fact that loosing things attached to my wife are difficult.

  My wife bred and sold these dogs and I do the same so they provide a small amount of income for me aswell.

     

  Concerning my disability:

      I don't require any help at this point, who knows what the future may hold for any of us.

 

    I feel I'm providing a service to my daughter that's being overlooked 'shelter'.

 

  So it 'seems' this has blown over for now.

 

  I do want to say I've raised my daughter since she was 3 (step daughter from a deadbeat dad) and I feel she simply owes me more respect than is being given & I plan to talk to her reguarding this fact.

  Most of the things revolve around the Soninlaw He and I don't have a relationship & I've tried to make a bond between us,it seems he doesn't want that so we don't speak unless he needs something.

 

  Thanks for the chance to discuss these things and get perspective on this situation.

 

     

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I understood the situation. 

 

Explaining it a second time doesn't change my opinion:  A couple old enough to marry and have babies are old enough to provide their own home.  In the event they are unable to provide for their own needs, it would behoove them to be respectful of the person providing for them the things that adults ordinarily provide for themselves.

[soloact]

Torn, your attachment to your wife's dogs is easy to understand. Keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter is good. I hope it works out well for all of you.  Please keep us posted. You have friends here.