Have to get this out

[MrsDan]

I've hesitated about sharing this, as it involves work, and I don't really like to post about that here because I worry about privacy. But now it's reached a point where I need to talk about it with people who get it.

 

My commute make my work situation very difficult with a toddler and two dogs. It's an hour+ each way. I knew that would be the case when I moved, that my already long commute would be even longer. But I had to get out of "our" town, still retain proximity to my mom and ILs, reside in a good school district, and have a house, not a condo. That didn't leave a whole lot in my price range. I can't have DD in daycare for the 11+ hours I'm away each day, so my mom and ILs pick her up and watch her for a few hours in the afternoon. I installed a doggie door, but following a few noise complaints I've had to keep it off until my mom or ILs arrive to turn it on. So they're stuck inside a (large) room all day until they get there. I am constantly rushing DD out the door in the mornings so I can leave work early enough to be home in time to have dinner with her, and then we have an hour tops together before she goes to bed. The weather and other factors often throw a wrench into everything.

 

I've applied to other jobs in my field that are closer. But there just aren't that many, and my field is very, very competitive. I found only four worthwhile jobs nearby to apply to, and landed only one interview in the past two years. Recently I applied to a job out of state. I'd told myself I wouldn't leave until all the grandparents are gone. I don't want to take her away from them, particularly my ILs, or them from her. This job however, is near my BIL and his family. I figured if I had to be far away, at least my IL's grandkids would be together so they could visit them all at once. And there is value I think to DD being near her uncle and cousins. I felt guilty, but didn't think anything would come of it. Well, it did. I got a phone interview, then another and now they want me to interview onsite in a couple weeks.

 

In short, I am now freaking out. Not necessarily about the things I thought I would. I'm weirdly upset about leaving this house. He never lived here. But it weirdly feels like if I did this, I'm leaving him and our life behind. What's worse, lately I'm feeling like that's what Dan wants, that he doesn't want me anymore. After he died, I made the decision that I would continue our life; I would raise our child the way we would have. I would stay the course until we could be together again. I still feel that way, but I feel this pressure, a lot of it coming from the grief and widow community to shut the door on my previous life and move on. I realize my approach probably isn't considered healthy, but I really think it's right for me. But there are so many things that make me feel like people, or theories about grief are trying to rend me further away from him. If I make this move I feel like I'm giving in to that. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but maybe it will here. There's also the enormous logistics of moving, selling the house. It's too daunting, at a time when I can't even pull together the motivation to get everything together to just get my taxes done.

 

The thing is, it's enormously difficult to break into this type of position into this type of museum. Having this on my resume could open a lot of doors down the line. The cost of living there is much lower, so even if I made the same, I'd essentially be making more. My BIL lives about 45 minutes from this museum. I could potentially try to find something close to him, or there are affordable areas between the two. They are both excited about the prospect of us moving there. I don't know if watching DD is something they'd entertain, but even if it wasn't, they'd be available to help sometimes. There are other aspects of my current job that are difficult as well. I started here two weeks after I got married. I often have to go back to projects I worked on when he was alive. It's so so hard. But my boss also cuts me a lot of slack. Still, there is only so much slack that can be cut, you know? I can do some work at home, but really, I need to be onsite most of the time.

 

DD and dogs spent the last two nights at my ILs, I was horribly sick the last two days and with that and them not being around I was completely in my own head. Whenever I have something I'm anxious about it pushes me deeper into the depths of grief. I feel like I've grieved harder and deeper for him the past two days than ever. I had two dreams where I was trying to reach him and he didn't want anything to do with me. I miss him. All this time later and I still can't believe he's dead. One of the big reasons I've been so desperate to change my situation is that I wanted to open the possibility of having another child with one of our frozen embryos. But the depths of despair I'm in seem to shut the door on that too; I'm in no emotional condition to have another child. Maybe I'm in no emotional shape to make this kind of move either. There's also the enormous logistics of moving, selling the house.

 

The thought occurred to me that I could rent out my house, and keep the option of coming back in a few years open. My BIL told me I might come for the visit and absolutely hate it, and then the decision is made for me. It's also possible they won't offer me the job at all, or make an offer that won't make it worth it for me. So I realize I may be getting myself worked up over nothing. But I worry about the professional ramifications of declining an offer. This whole thing is throwing me into an even deeper grief tailspin than I imagine (Because I can never imagine it possibly getting worse and then it does.) so I really just had to get this out. Apologies for the length.

 

[AndysWife]

Sometimes, just writing it all out in black and white helps. At the end of the day, you have to do what is good for you which will extend to benefiting your daughter also.

My older kids have now left home but we all get on Skype every couple of weeks and my young son just loves it. Distance isn't the problem it once was thanks to technology.

 

 

[Bluemoon15]

I agree with Andy'sWife; writing it all out is great therapy and also a way to look back and realize that you've really thought this out.

 

It sounds like you've done that thinking, and I'm sure you will make the decision that is right for you and your family.  Remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, and if this potential move is going to help you do that, then by all means go with it!

 

A quote from A. A. Milne comes to mind,  "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

 

You will be in my prayers.

[Max2507]

You know they say "a change could do you good" If it will look good on your resume even if you work there a year or two it will give you that. Renting your house sounds like a great idea(if you can afford to have a rental company handle it for you saving even more hassle) and renting there gives you some options. Having cousins would be great for your daughter as well. I agree writing out the pros and cons are a good idea. Just seems like 2+ hours of commuting and all the rushing is part of your life you just can't get back.

 

I hope you won't get offended and I don't know you or your late husband or your beliefs about the afterlife, but I can not believe that he wouldn't want you any more or is pushing you away, if he were here I believe he would be cheering you on. I am nearing two years out and I feel like my dh is so far away from me, I understand that and miss him deeply every day. Be gentle with yourself and don't be afraid to change your mind.

[RobFTC]

The job possibility seems great, congratulations on getting this far with it.  I would definitely interview, and consider it on the merits - but including the downsides in the calculation.  I would optimize to be close to work, as killing that commute for you would feel like such a change.  That said, your child care options would become paramount.  Your current in-laws are helping greatly that now, and I would have very low expectations that BIL's family could be too much involved with caring for your toddler unless they have already offered (which is another reason to really focus on work proximity).  So I'd ask stuff like: What are your needs, hoping that work/daycare/home could be a lot closer together than they are now?  What are the work from home possibilities at the new job, if any?  What are your options for care?

 

I hope this either works out, or that it feels good not to pursue it if that happens.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[MrsDan]

Well, another crap day at work so that makes me feel (slightly) less freaked out about an alternative.

 

I knew this would pose a lot of logistical challenges. I was, and still am concerned on the impact of this on DD and my ILs. What really threw me was how the enormous impact on my grief the prospect of another move is having. I can understand the first move; that intensity I anticipated but this?

 

My BIL and his wife are so excited about this he offered to drive to my house (it's a 5 hour drive) pick me, DD and dogs up and bring us there and then drive us back. When I told them, my SIL immediately offered to let us stay there until we find a place. Despite the fact that they have a new baby and one of their dogs hates one of mine. They always try to help when they are in town. And they adore DD. They have two little boys. Their first was born the day after Dan died. Which means he's only two months apart in age from DD. I wouldn't plan to rely on them too much with childcare, unless it's something they offer. But I also know they've made friends there so there's a wider support network. I also have a friend who lives in the area as well. Another went to the grad school attached to this institution and knows it really well.

 

So right now I'm just figuring out how to get through the logistics of getting to the interview. DD has her appointment with the ear specialist, so I'm just hoping there's no conflict that arises with any procedures she might need.

[Trying]

MrsDan, I am an overthinker and not good with change so I can understand the stress this is putting on you.  I agree with writing everything down and looking at long term vs the immediate stress of a move.  Cutting your commute, salary, flexibility, proximity to family in same age range with kids close to DD's age.  Those are things that will matter more as she gets older.  Would the salary and lower housing costs allow you to hire help to replace the hours her grandparents are helping you?

 

It's a really big decision.  It will probably bring up lots of grief issues but no matter where you go you and your DD will bring DH with you.  She will always be that constant connection to him and your memories will come with you wherever you are.  I don't think you have to shut any doors to keep living and changing and growing.  As a couple you would have continued to grow and change especially as DD grows and her needs change. 

 

I wish you peace and clarity and good luck with the interview!

[MissingSquish]

I have nothing much more to add than what's already been said. I'm also wishing you luck on the interview and your decision, whatever it ends up being.

[Alexswife]

Thinking of you, Mrsdan! I find that any major decision makes my grief worse, even if it's a decision that has nothing to do with the life Alex and I shared. I feel like it makes my grief worse because he's not here to talk these things through with, he was my go to person.

 

I hope you can find some peace in the decisions you make. Good luck with the interview, it sounds like a great thing.

[calimom]

MrsDan:

 

May I just say I think you're awesome?

 

I know you've had a rough go of it, I've read your posts. And yet here you have a job offer in competive field and you're making the find cut.  It's amazing.  My stepdaughter has had coveted internship in our small town's museum for the past several years so I've had a glimpse of how your world works.

 

It's a tough decision to move under any circumstance.  At 2 months I moved with my 3 children to a town across the state of California to live closer to family who promised to be helpful. They have been, to their great good credit.  My husband, Jeff, had a rather snobbish view of this town, he thought there ware limited opportunities and whenever we came to visit my family - whom he loved - he always left saying things like "I don't know how they live here".  And yet, this is where we live now.  In other ways, I've honored the parenting values we shared:  Montessori, college education, books in the house, quality nutrition, sports and physical activity, that sort of thing.  I like to think he'd support my decision to live where we do as it was the best choice to make under extremely trying conditions.  I was just doing the best I could with the resources I had.  My aforementioned stepdaughter, who I became the legal guardian of after my husband's death, is finishing her college education on scholarship.  I think he'd be proud.  He'd also be proud of our younger kids.  It's a one sided relationship, that of us of the living and that of a dead person. 

 

I wish you well in your interviews and  (hopefully) in your move to a positive future for you and your daughter.  Your deserve only the best in this world.