Trying Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 This has been the last big scary encounter and I have put it off way too long. My MIL is a challenging person and her grief has been very difficult for me to bare witness to. I love her and have always had a decent relationship with her but her relationship with DH was complicated in many ways. My FIL was great when he met NG and is very supportive of me finding love and companionship again. Everyone has tiptoed around talking to my MIL about me dating and I have avoided it completely. It has caused some strain between NG and I because I haven't been able to fully include him in my life. I want him to spend Christmas Eve with all of us so the introduction needed to happen. It was at my sons basketball game today, she knew he was going to be there so she showed up late so she wouldn't be able to sit with us, they met briefly after the game and when he shook her hand she shook her head with a look of utter disappointment. Thankfully he has a thick skin and knows that it's not about him and is willing to do whatever needs to be done. I don't want to cause her more pain than she already has but it is time that I give priority to our relationship and our future. How do others handle integrating new relationships with inlaws who are still a big part of your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Congrats on breaking the ice. NG sounds like a very nice man, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around MIL. Her problem not yours. Maybe she expects a lifetime of you mourning, that clearly ain't gonna happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Congrats on breaking the ice. NG sounds like a very nice man, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around MIL. Her problem not yours. Maybe she expects a lifetime of you mourning, that clearly ain't gonna happen. Exactly. I once mentioned to my new lady that DW's sister was a hopeless romantic, and would think that me pining away for the rest of my life for DW would be the ultimate romantic gesture. But it wouldn't be - it is one of the saddest images I can conjure. I feel in love with Jess pretty early out, and started laying the groundwork with DW's parents and siblings that I would like to find love again. I have known them all for over 20 years, and they treat my as a son & brother. The way I saw it, they should be happy for me and if not? That was something they would just have to deal with. Fortunately, DW's parents are very fond of Jess. They have had dinner with her once, and Skyped with her (with us having a long-distance relationship), and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving together. DW's mother wanted to be explicitly clear to me that Jess was welcome at Thanksgiving, which we saw as a very sweet gesture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Trying, I give you credit for facing this encounter. I think, sometimes, that we all just have to be grown-ups and be kind and civil in situations that are uncomfortable. There isn't any point in having confrontations at family gatherings. If MIL is uncomfortable with your new situation and actually trying to live your life, then she can just be polite. She can keep her thoughts to herself, right? I don't imagine you are going to hang all over NG if you are in her presence or do anything that will make her uncomfortable. MIL 1 eventually met John, but on her terms. She didn't want to meet him in the months before I moved to Kansas, though there would have been several opportunities. This was still less than a year since Barry had died and I respected her choices. After I had been married for a few months and was on the east coast visiting, she agreed to meet him at a restaurant. She actually liked him and she could tell that we were happy. She had another opportunity a year later to meet him, again on her terms, and that went well, too. I saw her the day before he died. He wasn't with me, but when I called her 24 hours later to tell her John had died, she was crushed for me. I hope that you can continue your relationships with your IL's and that eventually, NG will be accepted as part of your family, if not theirs. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 My Mom and Dad acted really weird when they met adp. He didn't think they were weird but I saw it. Anyway, we just kept acting like everything was normal and they seem to have come around. It's been a year in the making though. In all things, my strategy has been to make like everything is normal until other people see it the same way. My father in law is a tougher nut to crack but even he seems to be getting used to the idea that we must move forward and that might mean a partner. Good for you for taking the leap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Makes one realize that although divorced people may bring the 'baggage' of an ex (usually only when children are involved), the widowed have in-laws as their own 'baggage' they carry into a new relationship. My hat's off to those who date us and are willing to meet / socialize with our dead spouse's family- that cannot be such an easy thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Exactly Bunny! I am not an easy partner. I have kids who are grieving, a mother in law and friends who are not thrilled with me being in a relationship, and I don't get every other weekend without my kids to focus on adult time. There is a lot that I do offer in the relationship but I definitely have baggage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Kudos to you ! That is a very big step and I am impressed that you took that step - and happy to hear NG is taking it in stride. I am taking the opposite (and not suggested tack) of keeping my in-laws and NG separate. My belief is that neither party wants to meet each other so I am keeping them separate and plan to do so for a long while. Is the main issue that you have a new man or that he is spending time with your kids ? My MIL is particularly sensitive to my son spending time with my NG (she's very ok with me dating but integrating a new man in my son's life is a real sore spot) so I purposely never post pics on FB of NG and my son as I don't want to upset anyone. They don't spend that much time together anyway..... Wish I had better advice but just wanted to offer support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenni_s Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 That's a very difficult encounter, for all parties. Good for NG for being so easy going with the whole deal. It's really unfortunate that your MIL cannot support you finding a new relationship and realizing your new relationship doesn't lessen the one you had with your husband. I wish more people understood rather than instantly judging. I hope Christmas Eve goes well, without too much awkwardness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I haven't exactly handled my MIL well in regards to NG, I have basically avoided talking to her about it because she can be so emotionally unpredictable and I don't like being a part of it when she is like that. So I don't really know what her problem is exactly but I imagine she thinks I am replacing her son. My kids are older so it shouldn't be about them spending time with him, the older 2 are past that and my 11 year old isn't looking for a new Daddy the way a younger child might. My father in law avoids emotionally charged conversations with her too which is unfortunate because he is very happy for me.same with my sister in law. My DH was the only one in the family who had no problem with upsetting his mother, he would flat out tell her the truth and tell her when she was being unreasonable. There is no balance in the family without him and I need to learn to deal with her myself after 20 years of letting him handle her. Funny thing, I know he would stick up for me about NG if he could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I would honestly confront MIL head on, with your feelings. And exactly what you wrote. That in no way are you forgetting the love you shared with her son. Whether a phone call in person or note. Me I would say I am coming over to discuss something important to me,and do it. She can either accept it, or lol I would look for another MIL. Period. You have the right to live and be happy. I felt the need to lose an entire in law family. Not for the same specific reason, but widowed have feelings and shouldn't have to make excuses for wanting happiness again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 TTA, I just had an anxiety attack at the thought of confronting her! Lol I understand how it might be hard for her to see me with another man, only time will tell if she can be polite and respectful despite her feelings. My problem is I feel bad for everyone else. My kids, my MIL, and NG. NG seems to be the only one worrying about my feelings which means I should make him a bigger priority than I have. And me. I'm trying to make me a priority too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I will have a story after tomorrow 😊 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now