today is the 2 yr sadiversary. Here's the story.

[Carey]

I can't believe I have to be here at work today.  My office just merged with another bigger medical group and I don't have the time built up to take it off so here I sit, and it's not going well. 2 years ago I was frantically working on a friends vow renewal ceremony and trying over and over and over to get in contact with Chad in Saudi. Thinking he was drunk and ignoring me.  On the morning of the 22nd I talked to him on Skype while I got ready for work, as was our routine. That was the last time I ever heard his voice.  The last thing he said was he loved me.  Our routine was that we?d skype while I got ready (he was just coming in from work Saudi time), then once I got to work we?d email back and forth throughout the day. But by the time I got to work and emailed him, he didn?t answer. The weekend before had been a scary one, he?d been drinking and out of contact with me and scared me so bad.  So that very morning on skype he said it was ?going to be a good weekend baby? and that he?d be in constant contact so I wouldn?t worry.  Yet 2 hours later, no answer.  I went out to the car in the parking lot at work and tried to call his landline, no answer. No answer on skype. So  I sent a nasty mean email and decided he was drinking again and screw him, I had things to do.  I was helping my best friend do her vow renewal that was more like a real wedding. I was doing the food, the decorating, the directing and the photography so I had my hands full.  Worked hard on wedding stuff into the week hours of the morning that night and intentionally didn?t try to call him.  The next morning was full on wedding madness and I just didn?t have time. I was furious with him. Fast forward to that evening, during the wedding ceremony I had this dread feeling pop up in my stomach.  They had a part in the ceremony where they asked their married friends to stand and renew their vows with them and I remember being so sad he wasn?t there to stand with me and I just had to sit.  I excused myself and went to the church kitchen and tried to call him. No answer. Skype again.  No answer.  So then I had to handle the reception and was so busy, but every few minutes I kept trying.  I think I even said, ?Please just tell me you?re alive?.  Because by this point, mad was giving way to panic and fear.  Again. I had dreamed his death the month before and had not been able to shake it. Like a spectre over me. 

 

On the way home from the wedding at like midnight it should have been long past time for him to sober up and call me. He should have been at work by then because Sunday was a work day in Saudi.  I called the bldg manager where he lived and had him go check his room. That man told me that someone had seen him leave for work and to call back the next day.  That was SO unlike Chad. He refused to ever let me stay mad. He would never have gone to work without speaking to me. It was his birthday and I couldn?t for the life of me figure out why he?d not talk to me and the kids. So at that point I called his mom. He was lonely and it was his birthday the day before and I thought if he didn?t talk to me of course he would talk to his mom.  Nope, she had not heard a word.  But that man told me they SAW Chad leave for work, so I went to bed, this was like 3 a.m. I was exhausted and fell asleep.

 

At about 8, my phone started ringing. I grabbed it and was ready to give him an earful for worrying me.  But no, it was his mom, did I ever hear from him? And at that moment, I was like, OMG no, I haven?t.  True hard core panic set in.  Now I knew it was bad, I knew before I was told I?d never see him again.  I logged into facebook on his account and put out a post to everyone in Saudi that I needed to find him.  Several of his friends told me they?d help look.  I had no other ideas.  I sat there with the phone in my hand and the laptop, hitting refresh over and over.  When an hour passed, I knew that his friend would not be calling me, because he wouldn?t be allowed.  Sure enough, about 9 a.m. a chaplain called me with the ?I regret to inform you ???.? speech. I don?t remember much else.  Screams, obviously mine. Grabbing the keys to the car, hearing my daughters boyfriend say I was gonna try to drive.  He and my daughter followed me to the car. My son, it was his 15th birthday ? he had picked up the phone when I threw it and started talking to the chaplain and I just walked right out of the house without him.  I still can?t believe I did that. I wasn?t even dressed. Had on yoga pants and a tank top and no shoes. I drove straight to the church where I knew my sister would be and walked right into the service which was already in progress. My sister was the one who practically raised me and the only one I wanted; I just knew she could fix it.  Many others tried calling the military base here, calling people they knew, calling Saudi trying to get details and confirm what had happened.  He had ?acquired? a bottle of ?vodka? (alcohol not allowed there, homemade and sold illegally on the compounds) and was found at his table with a plate of food in front of him and the  bottle on the table.  10 feet away from his bed where his CPAP machine was.  Eating dinner was always the last thing he did, after drinking and then he?d go straight to bed. He was probably 10 minutes away from having been just fine.  The alcohol deadened his nervous system, so when he fell asleep and laid his chin on his chest, he cut off his airway (he had TERRIBLE sleep apnea) and his nervous system was too compromised to send the signal to wake up.  Or at least that?s what was pieced together.  I will never know the exact truth. 

 

Im sitting here at work, wishing to God I didn?t have to be here. Reliving every moment of that day. Tomorrow is my son?s birthday. I have nothing for him. He wants to sleep through it.  Then Thursday is thanksgiving and our plans fell through so we have nothing for that either. Next Monday is my wedding anniversary.  I just don?t know how to do it. I?m tired. Rode to Alabama with a friend to a football game this weekend to exhaust myself so I wouldn?t think about it, guess avoiding the reality that would smack me in the face today.  I just can?t fathom where 2 years has gone. I?d give anything to change those events ? there were so many things I could have done differently that may have made a difference. I just don?t know. How do I survive this week?  My poor kids ? No matter what I do I just can?t make it right for them.

 

[Trying]

Big widda hugs.

[Jen]

Oh, hugs, hugs, HUGS. I wish I could fix it... I wish I could take some of it, even a little, away. I am so, so very sorry.   I doubt that helps at all, but please know I'm thinking about you and sending strength.

[lcoxwell]

Like Jen, I truly wish I could somehow take the pain away and fix this for you. I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly, and I do wish I could make it better, somehow. Sadly, all I can do is send you big widda hugs, and tell you that I am thinking of you and sending you strength from across the way.

[marian53]

I just wanted to say I read your post and wish I could physically give you a huge embrace.

Wishing you some peace today.

Marian

[Guest TooSoon]

We're in your corner.  Lots of love from M and me. Sending support across the wires.  xx

[Mr C]

Carey, You have been in my thoughts today. Sending you hugs for this day and week.

[sojourner]

You and your family are in my heart during this especially devastatingly flashback-triggering time!

 

Sometimes all a person can (and/or possibly should for basic emotional survival??) do is keep putting one foot in front of the other that day, dealing with one day- maybe even one second- at a time. Sometimes I just have to block out any thought of any other day/moment/triggering event coming up. Not so good for long-term planning, but at times breaking my life down to each moment as it comes, and dealing with the emotion of that individual day as it unfolds, is the only way to keep any version whatsoever of sanity. (Not that I make any great claims of personal sanity.)

 

As to feeling that you own the guilt you feel, well- personally, I really don't agree with that. He was a full-grown adult. It isn't, in my opinion, reasonable to hold oneself responsible for the decisions another makes. A person may have input, but the degree to which that can even influence, to say nothing of control, their partner is strictly the domain of that individual. That idea of control is, IMO, a mere illusion/delusion. No matter how much a person wants it, they only have control over their own decisions/reactions. That doesn't even assume control over the *outcomes* of their *own* personal decisions, just of making a decision to the best of their judgement at that moment of time, within the limitations of their knowledge of that slice of time.

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling on- peace and comfort to you in this time!

[Amor]

((Carey))

I am wishing for peace and comfort for you and your family through this rough time. 

Amor