Coming to the fifth year

[ieh21]

Well I am in the run-up to the Fifth Anniversary. It is surprising to me how much less affected I am by this time of year than I was in past years. The sadness about the loss, the disappointment in what is, the fear for what will be, it's as if it's all become kind of moot. Life is being lived, experiences are being embraced, disappointments are no longer tragic, they just are a part of a normal life. Even the traditions I built to help me get through the first years, the relationships that I was reliant on, they are evolving, disappearing, changing, because life doesn't stand still and there are very few things that are permanent. And while this would have destroyed me last year, the year before, now I understand, I am more patient with other people's lives and their own priorities and the effect this inevitably has on me. For instance, we started to take a one-week trip to Maine every summer with this one family the summer after Joe died. For the past five years, I've held on to that trip, it was central to my year, it was essential to me. Summer of 2016 might not happen. For all sorts of reasons. It will be sad if it doesn't happen, but I no longer see it as a harbinger of a life of loneliness and disappointment. It doesn't represent anything other than an unfortunate scheduling conflict. Also, I threw out all Joe's coats in one fell swoop, without paying much attention. I needed space and out they went. It's only after that I realised why they were still there. What it would have meant to do this last year, the year before. Now it just means I have more space in the closet and hopefully a homeless man will be warmer this winter.

 

So all my feelings about the need for things remaining untouched have kind of mellowed out. That's a good thing.

 

I saw a video of Jonah Lomu's funeral. He was a rugby player from New Zealand, died in November, I think he was 40. They did several hakas in his honour, Maori warrior dances. It was beautiful. They showed his wife. And my feelings went out to her, I wish I could reach through the screen and hug her. Standing there, bravely, with her two young sons, enduring it all. I could imagine all she must be going through and then I realised that these feelings are no longer my primary feelings at all. I have to recollect them in much the same way I have to recollect memories from any past event in my life (my graduation, my first day on the job, my wedding...). It's not longer "like I am there right now". In a way, that's really all I would need to tell her. One day, you will see footage of this funeral and it will be a memory, not a recurring experience.

[duckie]

Oh ieh, how selfish of me to be so glad to hear from you today.  I identify with everything you say and then some.  I got laid off today - right before the holidays.  I'm not handling this half as bad as I did just 2 years ago (and 2 years before that if you remember!).  My poor mother though had a much worse day than me with this news as she wants so much for me to be "better".  Funny you even mention Joe's coats as I just got a parka out last week to give to a friend of his.  I even went through the pockets and looked at all the grocery lists and bank receipts without crying. I haven't quite gotten as far as you though as unfortunately most of my closet space is still taken up by storage!

 

I loved what you said about Jonah Lomu's widow's current grief and the memory it will one day be for her.  We've come together this far and though we certainly aren't living up to the expectations of those around us, we're doing okay in our "new normal".  When I first heard that term, I imagined mostly the practical side of things; to learn all the new routines without them.  Now I realize that it can also be the new mental state; to realize that's it's okay we'll never have children or maybe we won't actually "find someone else".  That it's okay that I'm unemployed once again and that you're not going to get your vacation next summer. 

 

Hell, when that vacation time comes around, let's go for a drink instead to go over even more crap we've gone through since this post and then, as right now, and that anniversary that's looming too with all the dread and anticipation that may still come with it too, will be a memory by then for us too.

[Trying]

Thank you for sharing your hopeful message. i am not as far along as you in time or in healing but the changes that have happened in my widow journey have not been dramatic but gradual and noticed only some time after the fact like you with letting go of the coats.  I wouldn't have believed anyone 2 years ago who told me I wouldn't always feel such raw, profound pain but I do wish I could help new widows to believe it. 

[iloveyoualways]

Ieh21, your post really spoke to me as well. It will be five years in a couple of months for me. In the beginning I had no idea how I would ever survive it or how I would ever want to without him. Every September to February was a slide down to rock bottom with our birthdays, wedding anniversary, lost pregnancy reminder, Christmas, and D day to remember. This year I found the "new normal". The sadness didn't overwhelm me. I almost have accepted it as the way that it is. As I went grocery shopping to Costco, surrounded by all the holly jolly shit of the season I just ignored it all. All of the stuff. All of the happiness. All of the happy families. My heart was not torn out in a million pieces. Maybe this is what is meant by "moving on" even though I call it "moving forward". The experiences have become memories. I never thought that it would be possible.

[IfIonlycould]

ieh21- That was so well written, thank you for sharing these thoughts. 

[canadiangirl]

I have to recollect them in much the same way I have to recollect memories from any past event in my life (my graduation, my first day on the job, my wedding...). It's not longer "like I am there right now". In a way, that's really all I would need to tell her. One day, you will see footage of this funeral and it will be a memory, not a recurring experience.

 

ieh21, thank you very much for sharing this.  I hope I will be in the place you are now at 5 years out.  I struggle with acceptance.

[Shawn823]

Ieh21, thank you so much for this. I am coming up on 3 years in a few weeks and struggling more than last year, more than I expected. Although I have made peace with my grief in ways that I once thought were never possible, I have been feeling like I will never get to the place that you so articulately describe. Your post has given me hope for the future. I thank you for that so very much.

[cmf]

ieh21 you sound good. Five years is so incredibly long. Another lifetime ago, and yet there is the physical evidence that it did exist. I remember hearing someone in the first year talk about living forward, and it sounds as though that is exactly what you are doing, though what choice do we really have? It is strange to think back 10 years, 5 years before tragedy befell us, and how we hadn't a clue what the next five years would bring. When asked this morning what I was going to do today, I replied that I was going to get up. In the moment it didn't strike me as a very profound answer, but now as I read your post it seems that the act of getting up, and in doing so day after day for five years is the simplest form of living forward, but so meaningful to choose to live and not be swallowed by the grief and the sadness and the anger despite the enormity of it all.

 

All the best my friend, as always.

 

 

 

 

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VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10