In desperate need of your opinion

[Torn]

Hello everyone,

  "BACK TO THE DAUGHTER & (S.I.L.) ISSUES:

 

The 27th of November was my wife's birthday,tough stuff at a 1.6 month since she's gone.

  Add to this my daughter brings up the dog issue again it's kinda like she has gotten past loosing her mom & on with 'life', it was amazingly easy for her.

 

  Ya know I don't want to get rid of these lil dogs i'm afraid it'll make my grieving worse because these dogs remind me of so much time spent with my wife & I'd play with them more often ,but I feel trapped in my own home .

  Steadily I try to make positive steps for myself to move forward & stay doing what I can do in life to keep my head up.

 

  This 22 year old couple fights a lot and it's obvious to me that the soninlaw,has anger issues & isn't coping well with the crying of a 1 month old, so obviously being young he " makes excuses " for his : attitude

Slamming doors,being rude & distant to my daughter,jealousy

(all signs of abusive person IMHO), but I say nothing.

    Well this has made my daughter lash out quit a bit recently & kinda has her convinced her "husband" is just mad because of the dogs.

 

 

  There's a ton of hast & what feels like hate between myself and them and I don't believe it's 2 lil yorkies causing this strife.

 

  I walked threw MY KITCHEN thanksgiving evening and realized this young couple where plating up their Thanksgiving dinner, that's my first time to not be invited to thanksgiving in my own home.

 

  See it's obvious to me at times that we are not a 'family' anymore,I hate I'm being separated from my daughter by circumstances but I'm stressed all the time with them being here,I swear if it wasn't for this son-in-law, things would be different.

    I feel trapped, I don't leave my room unless leaving home or to do my laundry at the other end of the house.

 

These, holidays have been terrible for me emotionally.

 

  I'm unable to disingenuous between just missing my wife,best friend during the holidays.

  And

How much of my personal grieving process is made worse by this young couple & inconsiderate things they do like:

  Cook holiday dinner & not even offer to have any with me.

 

  So in saying this, I want to say I have no relationship with the grandchild & avoid having one there's a reason.

  I can't handle any more loss in my life, I've lost my wife and all my 'friend's through time because of my illness (brain herniation), I've come to understand that friends simply don't know what to say regarding my illness.

 

  I realize that the lil puppies aren't the issue, the issue is that S.I.L and I simply don't get along at all.

    For a while I tried to let my daughter know, I'd like to get to know him,I gave that up a long time ago now.

 

 

Can anyone offer any advice or opinion?

  I'm at a loss & have been needing the support of our group here, thanks to every member here who shares their experience it helps so much.

~ToRn

 

sorry for typos,I have to make post from a mobile phone from the bed.

 

 

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow.  I'm sorry you are in such a horrible situation.  Why are they living with you?  It's your home and if you're not being treated with the respect you deserve maybe it's time they move on.  Just a thought.  Hugs to you.

[Torn]

When my wife passed , my daughter in an effort to help , moved in & at that time I didn't argue.

  I'm disabled,obviously my wife helped me with any thi hs as all 20+ year spouse's do, and my daughter felt she could actually help me I.E. goto the store,cook, goto the store...etc.

 

  Thing is, I can do these things for myself, to my daughter's credit we where both in shock that we lost my wife,her mom.

  Thanks for your support

[Guest running with scissors]

I understand.  I have a son living with me that I want to move out.  We fight all the time.  He will finish school in the spring and then I am getting him out.  If I have to call the police I will.  At this time, I want him to finish school, so I don't want the police involved just yet.  He's very disrespectful to me and my animals and my things.  Won't do a thing I ask.  Anyway I understand how you feel trapped in your own home.  I do too.  I spend most of my time in my room also.

He also very quickly got over his Dad's death.  Thinks I am grieving far to long.  Anyway,  I know how hard it is to get someone to move out.  I hope you can find some resources and legal advice in your area to give you tips on what to do.  Good luck to you.

[Torn]

running with scissors,

  Thank you so much!!!!!!

 

 

I needed some form of validation.

 

  See I'm 'extra sensitive' because I lost my mother when I was 18 & my dad kicked me out of the house 3 months after my mom passed away, he had found a lady friend and couldn't tell me at that time, so I didnt want my daughter to go through the same experience.

    Well, I am forced to be selfish because my mom & dad's things are what I have left aside from memories,slowly these kids break/ruin things because the hold no significant value to them.

  Well I'm hoping they are shopping for a place to live,because my new year resolution is for them to move.

    I'm fed up & I can stand-up to the soninlaw but it will ruin any chance of helping my daughter in the future once she wisest up.

  This young man is stero-typical,I've met any like him insecure,jealous and abusive.

  I'm my heart of hearts,I believe he really feels 'repressed' because he can't 'control' my daughter like he needs to in order to fulfil his "short man ego", but I'll leave a open door for my daughter in the event he developed into the physically abusive person I believe he is.

  But that 'lil guy' he'll never be back....no ma'am never.

    Thanks again for your help R.W.S. , I'd hug your neck if I could reach ya

 

[Trying]

I'm so sorry that this SIL has made your relationship with your daughter so strained.  It sounds like it is time for them to move on and get their own place.  Can you give them a deadline so they know you are serious?

[MegK]

Torn , Sorry to hear that your going through such a difficult time. I think by having your daughter and her husband staying with you  makes things more difficult for you.Sadly she chose to spend the rest of her life with this person. He has put strain on your relationship too. It would best that they find their own place before things are said or something gets done that you might regret.She could still help you from their new home. You shouldn't be alienated in your own home!

 

I am sending you lots of positive energy and a big hug!

[Bunny]

They made a holiday dinner in YOUR home, but did NOT include you?!?!?!!

They are trying to guilt you into getting rid of your and wife's dogs?!?!!!!!!!?

They make you feel unwelcome in your very own home?!

Absolutely Unacceptable, ungrateful, and disrespectful.

 

They appear to be hurting, not helping, your grief. Are you sure they moved in to help you and not just for a free place to live? Because they sound like people who are trying to take advantage of a man while he is weak with grief... Please, please- for your sanity, your dogs' safety, and a future good relationship with your daughter and grandchild, give them a deadline to move out. Consider it a Christmas gift to yourself.

[Torn]

"They made a holiday dinner in YOUR home, but did NOT include you?!?!?!!

They are trying to guilt you into getting rid of your and wife's dogs?!?!!!!!!!?

They make you feel unwelcome in your very own home?!

Absolutely Unacceptable, ungrateful, and disrespectful. "

 

  Yes,yes,yes......they did.

  It's really amazing to watch unfold, mind you it hurts deeply and is very alienating.

    It's a aweful situation honestly, but  it is what it is & has caused me to despise him,and be disappointed in my daughter for not being more considerate.

 

    Oh and lastly, I have had to get food stamps because I'm disabled & it's my only way to eat, Well these dumbassed  kids have lost my recertification paper (sharing mail) & made my source of food assistance be canceled, I have to go reapply ,which means another month before it's active

 

 

    Its all to much and it will be the only gift I get for Christmas & I'll put it kindly to my daughter with a date and explanation.

 

  I do love my daughter, but I can't allow my health to be damaged by their turmoil.

  The stress alone has a huge effect on me, I can hear their voice and get anxiety instantly (it used to be just him ) sadly now it's her aswell .

 

Thank everyone of you, I appreciate you all's input & need it really bad.

    It's a tough situation to be in

 

~ToRn

[soloact]

Torn, that's just heart breaking not to be included in a meal prepared in your own kitchen. Any meal but a holiday meal? I am so sorry. Hopefully your SNAP benefits are reinstated quickly. I'm so sorry you are going through family issues now while grieving your wife's death. You have so much on your plate. Overwhelming.

[Torn]

hank you all for being supportive, and helping validate things for me

  Inside.

    I've tried since my wife passed to attempt, several different approaches to become more than an acquaintance with the S.I.L. , well it was really amazing on Thanksgiving day.

  That day I was trying to keep my spirits up, doing my laundry.I did physical therapy for my cervical spine all things in an effort to keep from becoming a crying mess.

 

  Then, while taking the laundry I see the S.I.L. trying to remove a turkey leg from THEIR TURKEY & my daughter trying to talk faster & faster as she would when caught in trouble when she was a lil child and had done what she knows is wrong, well.......I was calm and went on .

 

  Well a month of thought and, I've thought about this enough, I can't believe the utter disrespect.

    Well, I guess there's a positive next thanksgiving I'll prepare myself thanksgiving dinner, I used to always make a lil holiday dinner for myself on Thanksgiving and Christmas after my mom passed away,because it helped me remember the good times.

    Many of the things I had to toughen up and learn when I lost my mom, are very much like loosing my wife.I never loved any two people in life more than those 2 women may they rest in peace and I simply find peace.

[Guaruj]

Torn -

 

I have very little experience to offer here. I agree with the others who say that, given your account of the facts, your daughter and son-in-law appear to taking advantage of you. I agree that, as two adults raising their own child, they should find a home of their own. I am concerned that this conflict you describe could escalate to the point of physically harming someone, particularly you or the baby. It probably would be best if daughter and son-in-law left made their own decision to leave.

 

The only advice I can offer is to understand that most states do not allow you to evict a legal occupant in one day, one week or even one month. In my state (Massachusetts), both the landlord and tenant must appear before a judge to get an eviction order. For that reason I suggest that you seek some legal advice on this problem (though I am not a lawyer myself). If that sounds expensive, start by searching the web for "free legal advice". You could also discreetly contact the police about this. While you're doing that, it would also help if you documented their abuses as they commit them. If you feel comfortable posting them here, then at least you have a date corresponding to each incident.

 

I am sorry that you must deal with this problem so soon after losing your wife. Good luck with this.

[Torn]

Guaruj?,

  Thanks it's to bad this can't be worked out,but I believe for myself personally I'd be able to enjoy life a lil better without the S.I.L. .