Xmas - Year 3

[MauiMermaid]

Not sure if "Beyond Active Grieving" is where I belong. Year 3 and I still feel about as "active" as it comes, especially during the holidays and his birthday (coming next week). Been having a particularly tough time these days. Crying more, missing him so intensely, drifting in a haze of this new surreal existence. I often feel like I don't know what is harder to believe - that he died or that he lived. I feel like our life together is one I dreamed myself. With no kids, it was just the two of us. No one else really knows the memories I do... well, except him. "Remember when?!" - can't do that with anyone but myself.

 

Decided to brave the traditional Xmas Eve dinner at  my in-laws this year. It was our tradition for 22 years. We met when I was just out of high school so I practically grew up with his family. I thought I'd be strong enough to do it and I failed miserably. Instead, I felt the tears fill my eyes just about the moment I walked in the door. I could see the table set, his spot replaced by someone else (he always sat on my left). I can usually do a pretty darn good job holding back that burning feeling you get when you know the tears are about the flow from your eyes. Instead, I lasted only  a few minutes before they came streaming from my face. I left the dinner table and headed to his childhood room - the place we would find him lifeless during our last holiday trip home in 2012. I could see those terrible visions all over again. There I was on the floor and I just cried, and cried and cried. Much of the room hasn't been touched since we were there in 2012. The candle was still on the shelf that he lit for me Xmas 2012 night as we fell asleep. His backpack was still in the corner, his jacket on the chair. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I retreated to that room. But, I felt I needed to nonetheless.

 

In any event, I feel I failed everyone and made them all feel terribly uncomfortable last night. I should have just stayed home with my Mom.

 

Hope everyone's holiday fared better. Thanks for listening.  :'(

 

 

 

 

[donswife]

you didn't fail anyone and when those tears want to come , nothing can stop them

Having true sadness that he isnt there.. is the truth

It was all his family who was there so they understand all to much

we didnt have any kids either and together over 25 years so I understand the private jokes and remember when times

Like you we were together more years then apart

Nothing is harder then walking into a house, party etc alone

so used to having Him as my constant shadow and support

God I just miss that ,  I miss him

take care

 

[Torn]

I understand, I didn't fail either.

  What happened was my love for my spouse overflowed into the occasion.

  Those "remember when" times are unbelievable hard & I'm just at holiday number 2.

 

All these things are so hard,that no one understands them except the person experiencing them.

  Please know you failed no one,your tears and emotion simply commemorate the memory of your spouse,his love for you was equally as true.

  I hope today you feel a lil better & that you know you didn't fail.

    You loved.

Peace be with you, ToRn

[SoVerySad]

Tightest hugs to you, MM. You certainly didn't fail anyone last night. Your first trip returning to that room was bound to bring so much grief to the surface. I'm sure his family understands as they know how deeply you loved him. I'm also sure they were glad to have you with them again. The first holiday at my in-laws after T died, I couldn't even make it to the table to sit down until I had a good cry first. Seeing the empty chair he usually sat in totally undid me. When I regained my composure and joined everyone, I sat in that chair and left mine empty. Somehow it helped a little. After that, his mom starting removing a chair from the table when we share meals there.

 

I have never felt that I have moved to the beyond active grieving section yet, so I really understand missing your husband so terribly every day still.

 

More hugs...

[MauiMermaid]

Thank you all for the support and caring words. Peace and (((hugs))) to you. And Merry Christmas. Thankful for all of you here, don't know what I would have done over the years without you.

 

xoxoxo

[BrokenHeart2]

My 3rd Christmas too. Very different for me. I went to my family meal for the 1st time since DH died. I have 5 siblings. It was nice. My older sis noticed my progression, I agreed, my fam has also learned not to be such DGIs  thank you God!

This too shall pass!

Hug and strength to all of us wids

Merry Chritmas to you.

[injo]

I often feel like I don't know what is harder to believe - that he died or that he lived. I feel like our life together is one I dreamed myself. With no kids, it was just the two of us. No one else really knows the memories I do... well, except him. "Remember when?!" - can't do that with anyone but myself.

 

^^^^^^^^This^^^^

 

[canadiangirl]

I often feel like I don't know what is harder to believe - that he died or that he lived. I feel like our life together is one I dreamed myself. With no kids, it was just the two of us. No one else really knows the memories I do... well, except him. "Remember when?!" - can't do that with anyone but myself.

 

I feel I failed everyone and made them all feel terribly uncomfortable last night. I should have just stayed home with my Mom.

 

MM, that sounds incredibly hard.  Just wanted to echo the others and say that I am sure your DH's family understood and it was a reminder to them of how much he was, and still is, loved.  What family can do anything else but honour this?  You failed no one, and I hope you found a bit of solace returning to his room. 

 

I still think we sometime elect to go through otherwise triggering things and go through intense periods of grieving because our brain/subconscious self directs us that this is what we need at the time, as part of this process of grieving and working through trauma.  Since we apparently use only 20% of our brains I am hoping that the other 80% of mine at least knows what it is doing. 

 

I really miss the in-jokes and shared memories too.  That's one of the hardest things. I have a child but my child was too young to remember and in any case, the shared history was with DH.  DH who I know was real - I will keep him real.

 

I hope you are feeling better today. 

[Mac]

As others have said, you didn't fail anyone. Hugs to you.

[Catnip]

I'm sure they were all crying with you.

Peace,

~Catnip

[cathyr]

Oh my gosh!  I don't know how you could possibly have gone through this without crying.  I am so sorry!  Going into his room must have brought back so many painful memories, but I would have done the same thing.  I'm certain his family understood. 

 

"I often feel like I don't know what is harder to believe - that he died or that he lived."  I so get this!  After my dear Robert died, I just wanted to world to stop, so they could remember him the way I did.

 

(((((Big hugs))))) to you, MM, and may peace be with you this year.