Transmissions from Hell

[Michael797]

Here?s a transmission that belongs squarely in this thread ? be warned that it?s pretty self-indulgent. As always, you?re cordially invited to go read something else, but this really needs to be brought into daylight.

 

Last year at this time was when all hell started breaking loose. She was beginning her treatments (3 times a week) and swelling up from blood clots. Between chemo, the clots, and the medications, she was nearly always unconscious. My days consisted of getting up in the morning, flying out the door, driving 30 miles to teach a class, flying back to take her to treatments, then flying back to school to teach night classes before flying home again.

 

She did have other family looking after her, but none of them had intended to marry her. For me, it was pretty personal.

 

In the beginning, she asked me if she was going to die. I gave the only answer I could possibly give; ?Hell, no! You?re going to survive this and write a book and wind up on Oprah. You?ll be the inspiration for every survivor ever.?

 

Three months later she was gone.

 

Lately it?s all been coming back, little Kodak moments from hell. Sometimes things trigger it and other times it just sort of slithers into awareness - flashbacks that are becoming more vivid. The memories are refusing to be suppressed any longer; the trickle?s becoming a stream. Does anyone sell flood insurance for this?

 

Everyone thinks it was Shakespeare that coined the phrase ?What fresh hell is this?? but it was actually a columnist named Dorothy Parker (did you know that?). Regardless, it?s becoming one astonishingly fresh ? one might even say springtime-fresh - hell. It's almost like the weather is bringing it all back; the days feel eerily familiar and the nightmares are returning with unmistakable grins.

 

So how?s things been with you?

[Jen]

Michael, I'm sorry. Beyond sorry. There aren't enough words to express it, and it's too daunting to try. I could find quotes, but I promised not to do that, so-- here I am. Basically wordless. ((((hugs))))

 

How's things with me? Do you want the honest answer? Sigh.

[jlp]

Oh, Michael, your post dredged up something I was trying to ignore, but it's useless, so I might as well chime in.

 

A year ago today, I took DH to the hospital as he as having trouble peeing.  Turns out he had a bladder infection, was catheterized, and given antibiotics.  Two days later (on Easter Sunday, a beautiful day), it was back to the ER because he couldn't poop.  Spent all day and most of the evening there, before he was admitted with a bowel obstruction.  In the hospital for a week, waiting for the obstruction to correct itself, which it did.  During that time, we were told that his tumors appeared to be shrinking a bit after the first round of chemo.  Yay, right?

 

Except he was gone ten weeks later, just eight weeks short of our 30th wedding anniversary.

 

With apologies to Alfred E. Neumann -- "What, me bitter?"  No wonder I haven't stopped crying for the last two days. 

 

The next three months are going to suck so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll hang out with all of you and hope for the best.

[Michael797]

The next three months are going to suck so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll hang out with all of you and hope for the best.

 

All winter long (and we got smacked in the northeast this time), I couldn't wait until spring - just figured that the warmer air and sun would finally obliterate all the creepiness of this past winter and the holidays. But this year, spring feels like an alternate reality; I'm supposed to be driving all over creation for the sake of keeping my soulmate alive. Now there's no soulmate, and I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm headed there.

 

Yeah, I do think the next three months will be the creepiest time of all. So I, for one, am there with you. It's not much, but it's all I have right now. I can truly say, with more sincerity than I've ever possessed, I get it.

[Michael797]

Really, you?re still coming here? This thread?s not so funny anymore, you know.

 

Oh-fucking-kay, you asked for it. The following post should mathematically be in the next forum over, but given the subject matter, we?ll just park it here with the rest of the crud (no offense meant to other posters).

 

This one?s called ?Letting Go.? Catchy, ain?t it? ?Giving Up? is more fitting, but it sounds too suicidal. Standards and Practices would be shrieking like cheerleaders. But anyway?

 

Everywhere I go now, I see ghosts. It?s just turned nine months, but everything that happened last year at this time is playing over and over in my eyes. A constant string of dead moments.

 

It?s like living in a Night Gallery episode. I?m nearly always alone now - can?t think of anything to do with myself, but I don?t want to be around anyone, either. All I can think about is last year?s fight and decline.

 

She hasn?t appeared in a long time. I think she?s really officially had to move on. Yet it seems appropriate to relive her nightmare over again; she truly deserved to have someone honor her for the rest of their life, so it doesn?t seem like such a bad thing to be doing. I can?t stop thinking about her anyway ? she always had the perfect response for whatever mood I presented her with. Nobody else can do that, nobody. You can really get to miss that when you lose it.

 

So I can?t stop thinking about her and missing her. But I really do think she?s gone, and now life is just a big drag. Nothing?s changed, but everything?s completely empty and soulless. That?s probably not good.

 

I just might have to finally let go. Whatever that means. Frankly, it doesn?t sound easy.

 

Ugh, apologies for the toxic content of this post. Please don?t track any of it out with you when you leave. Sorry.

 

[Joey]

...and now life is just a big drag. Nothing’s changed, but everything’s completely empty and soulless.

 

Yeah, often this is me too. But I did want to share with you this thought:

 

Today may be the greatest day of your life. It may just be the day where everything starts coming together again.

 

Statistically improbable, sure (such calculations are well above my pay grade)... But nevertheless, I'm going to write it again, but this time I'm doin' it yoda style, hoping it carries more weight:

"The greatest day of your life, today may be."

 

Anyway, good luck today my friend. Let me know how it goes!

[Jen]

Still not going anywhere. <3

[SoVerySad]

Sending you a tight hug, Michael. I'm sorry you are hurting  so much.

[Michael797]

Thanks, you two - I'm glad you're still there. I honestly thought I was turning a corner, but that's when I smacked into the wall. I've been through some creepy shit, but this is unprecedented, and "Don't worry, be happy" isn't working. A bago or two usually helps - good thing there's a few to look forward to.

[shan12]

Michael, I am sorry you are going through a particularly bad time right now. If I remember correctly (doubtful), 9 months was an especially bleak, very dark period for me as well. Hang on tight, friend.