Transmissions from Hell

[Michael797]

RE-resurrected from previous incarnations.

 

Dearest Newbie:

 

If you've found your way here to widda.org, you've come across one of the most extraordinary resources one could ever have to help you through widowhood. What makes this place even more astonishing is the fact that it was built by widows for widows in the face of overwhelming adversity (our old board was shut down literally overnight and without warning - sound familiar?).

 

The following thread was resurrected from the old board to provide an example - whatever it is you might be going through right now is probably frighteningly NORMAL. Your journey will be scary and brutal; trust will be almost impossible to come by. You're attempting to build an entirely new life from the ground up and with no prior experience whatever. This board provides testimony that it can be and has been done by many others. That list will eventually include you.

 

At any rate, the following reposts hopefully illustrate what sort of thoughts might be going through your head right about now. Please feel free to comment or add to them. And never for one second think that you're alone - you have the collective force of a group every bit as strong as the Marine Corps behind you. Use that however you need.

 

The following repost was dated 10/16/14; at that time, the author was nearly three months out.

 

 

 

 

A compendium of thoughts that I would never have had six months ago. Hey, kids - play along and add your own!

 

1. Sometimes it?s fun to watch the reactions of some people when you tell them. You see their eyes roll back in their heads, and their mouths form into this weird grimace ? and you see the look spread over their faces as if they just stepped in a huge pile of rhinoceros shit. Or when they just gape at you like your tongue shot out about two feet to snag a gnat. Sometimes I wish that the news gave them a migraine.

 

2. Sometimes I fantasize about my deathbed, in the hope that she?ll be the one in the light who?s come for me, and I?ll get to see her and be with her again.

 

3. It still hits me out of nowhere ? little moments for no apparent reason ? when I once again realize ?She?s dead, Jim.? And the initial shock takes me all over again. It?s this horrible Twilight Zone episode where you just keep reliving that nightmare over and over and over....

 

4. Could this be a form of PTSD?

 

5. I wonder if she?s hanging out with Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. I?m jealous.

 

6. I still don?t know why she can?t just give me the damn lottery numbers in a dream.

 

7. Did she really go somewhere? Did she not? I?m not sure how to handle either possibility.

 

8. Sometimes I realize how odd it is of me to be counting the weeks and months ? is it a way we measure our recovery? Is it some sort of anniversary from hell? 2014 will forever be ?The Summer of Death? to me.

 

9. Everything in life is a choice ? why am I not able to choose to get past this?

 

10. Is it possible to be octo-polar?

 

11. No matter what I hated, she always hated it more. I loved her so much for that.

 

12. I?ve gotten to the point where the song I couldn?t stand to hear after she died is now an opportunity ? every so often ? to listen to it again and imagine where we both were when we first heard it together. And for just those few precious minutes, I?m with her again. I?m so grateful to be able to feel that.

 

[Jen]

 

9. Everpything in life is a choice ? why am I not able to choose to get past this?

 

Can't tell you how glad I am you re-re-posted this just now-- your timing is impeccable. Precisely, exactly, and with your usual acuteness, you've hit the nail on the head as far as pinning me right where I am. (Did I get enough "sharp" references in there?)

 

It's been 338 days. That's enough, right? It ought to be enough. If I make up my mind and decide that it's bloody well enough, then it should be.

 

It should be.

 

 

[Michael797]

Some additions to the original list:

 

13. Saw the word "cancer" on a member's profile and almost wrote back "Cool, I'm a Pisces." For a split second, it didn't register; thinking clearly is such an adventure now.

 

14. You turn on the GPS. Under destination, you type in "out of Hell." Over and over you hear "recalculating."

 

It looks like the same world, but there's more plastic. If I'm going to be a ghost, I choose to be a poltergeist; maybe if I throw a chair against a wall now and then, someone will actually pay attention.

 

15. Saw this old, old man, all hunched over and with a cane, hobbling into a restaurant, and thought ?lucky bastard.?

 

16. Where did all my friends go? Do I have the smell of death ON me or something?

 

17. Watched the kid playing his video game ? blood and guts everywhere ? and just shrugged and thought ?I?ve seen worse.?

 

18. Ever lie awake at night fantasizing about all the virtual hugs you?ve gotten from people?

 

19. Amazing weight loss program ? lose ten pounds in just two weeks! Results may vary (depending on how cute the pizza guy is).

 

20. I wonder if you could get thrown out of a grief group for ?bringing everyone down too much.?

 

21. Here?s the problem. You were intending on spending the rest of your life with this person because he or she taught you what love really is; love works best when it?s being transferred back and forth between two people. It?s that constant flow from one to the other that builds up that energy, that euphoria. And you think that now that you?ve found that person to give and receive all of that love with, you?re going to be able to feel that bliss forever and ever and ever?.

 

And then suddenly the other person?s gone. And now you have this huge backup of love that you?ve been collecting and growing? and suddenly you have absolutely nowhere to go with it.

 

And you?re feeling actual physical and emotional pain because it?s so built up inside of you. If you could only, somehow, someway, release some of it - even just a tiny bit of it?.

 

Originally Posted By: Banjeen

 

Next time I see him I'm going to hold him for a century, then yell at him for a year.

 

Banjeen, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH for sharing that quote!

 

That's all from Hell for this time. Please don't return again soon.

 

[linda5]

I'm so glad you posted these again.  They still make me laugh.  It's amazing that you hit the nail on the head with so many of them, as you described me perfectly!

[Michael797]

How sweet of you to stop by from the old thread, Linda. A wid can always use a smiling face.

 

Going through the archives, most of the old stuff was from right around Christmas of last year, so re-posting will have to wait about... oh, nine months. I'll probably use this thread as Radio Hell's alter-ego and post new stuff here as well. Funny how even though I "graduated" to the next forum, lots of times it feels like I should give back the degree.

 

As always, here's hoping you'll never need this thread again.

[Michael797]

For your consideration, an old previously unreleased post from last October. There are several of these floating around the hard drive - this one certainly seemed like it stood the test of time. What do you think?

 

Ten Immutable Truths about Widowhood:

 

1. If a friend tells you they?re getting a divorce, there?s a 36% chance of your spontaneously throwing up on them.

 

2. You?ll frequently forget which room you?re standing in or how you got there. Space and time are no longer yours to control.

 

3. The further out you go, the less people will tolerate your being widowed.

 

4. There are only two ways to stop being widowed: bring them back or join them.

 

5. Being widowed will bring out the worst in you.

 

6. Your being widowed will bring out the worst in 93% of everyone you know as well.

 

7. You?ll find out who your real friends are because you suddenly won?t have any.

 

8. 62% of what used to make you laugh will now make you cry.

 

9. You?ll be living two lives instead of one. Not only will you have all your previous responsibilities, but you?ll also have the ones you had always hoped to delegate to someone else.

 

10. If your departed could speak to you, they?d say only one thing: ?I forgive you. Now please forgive yourself.?

 

 

Auf wiedersehen from your friends at Radio Hell. If we repulse you, that's a good sign.

[Jen]

Too true, every single one. Except I'm not sure about your statistics-- source, please?

 

 

 

10. If your departed could speak to you, they?d say only one thing: ?I forgive you. Now please forgive yourself.?

 

You know what? I really, really needed to see that today. Thank you.

 

[Grammy]

I love this post and I am a bit over 8 years.  Forgiving yourself is hard for me.  I forgive my husband most of the time, but I still get madder than hell at him sometimes for leaving me to deal with all this shit.  The family stuff still goes on and he dealt with it all until his death.  Some days I actually yell at the sky "Who the hell left me in charge? and that the hell were they thinking?"

 

So forgiving myself is so hard and essential. 

 

I have to go..... But I will be back to this group.  I hope I can pass on some of the love and (((((Hugs)))))) that ywbb provided me. 

 

I used to be a young widow but these days I am just Grammy to all.

 

(((((hugs)))))) and Love

 

Grammy  or Nanc  (I forget to answer to Nancy now )

 

Be Gentle with Yourself

[Michael797]

A bunch of widow bumper stickers from the old board. Transplanted to the general forum, where they promptly sunk to the bottom. Now re-transplanted here where they (and I) belong:

 

1. Red, bled, and dead ? nobody rides free.

 

2. My other car is a Hearse.

 

3. If you can read this, you?re about to meet my spouse.

 

4. This vehicle stops at all widowbagos.

 

5. Warning: driver has widow brain

 

6. 10-4, dead buddy.

 

7. You have NO idea how fucking lucky you are.

 

7a. Try raising three honor students by yourself!

 

8. My baby?s in Heaven, but I went to Hell

(Shameless promotion)

 

9. I brake for hysterical sobbing.

 

10. Heaven took back the angel it was missing.

 

11. I have no idea where I?m going.

 

12. Happy people suck.

[Jen]

 

1. Red, bled, and dead ? nobody rides free.

 

This is has always been my favorite, and I can't even tell you why. It cracked me up the first time I saw it-- it might have been the first time I laughed out loud after... well, you know.

 

Glad to see you back here. (((Hugs)))

[mixelated]

OK, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I don't like thinking this! but it seems outside my control at times. 

12. Happy people suck.

[Michael797]

OK, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I don't like thinking this! but it seems outside my control at times. 

 

There are lots of things you probably don't like thinking right about now. You may start wondering "Is there an upside to any of this?"

 

Well, not really. But you can pretend there is. Or you can just read the post below.

 

The Top 10 Perks of Being Newly Widowed

 

10. ?Bagos!

 

9. When someone tells you to ?get over it? or ?toughen up,? you can look them right in the eye and say ?Yeah, that?ll work!

 

8. You now have so many pillows that the cats are inviting their friends over for parties.

 

7. You follow more TV shows than the FCC.

 

6. You can have all the pizza and ice cream you want ? and you don?t have to clean up afterwards.

 

5. You can watch the look of horror come over people?s faces when you tell them.

 

4. Laundry day is only once a month.

 

3. You're allowed to chalk damn near anything up to "widow brain."

 

2. You can choose a screen name for the board like ?TheSunWillNeverEverEverShineAgainInABillionYears.?

 

1. When it happens to someone else, you?ll know exactly what to say to them.

 

Or you can consider that this board, and the understanding folks contained therein, would never have come onto your radar otherwise. You won't find help in this thread, but there are plenty of others to choose from. Wids got your back.

[swilson]

 

3. You're allowed to chalk damn near anything up to "widow brain."

 

 

 

Not proud to say that I've played this card, i.e. "Well shoot, I'm sorry this is one of those things my late wife took care of."

[Carey]

"1. When it happens to someone else, you?ll know exactly what to say to them."

 

Actually ... I STILL find myself at a loss for words.  Like on the board I so often wish I had wise words but I got nuttin.  Cause nothing anyone ever said helped me. With the exception of this board and my best friend who refuses to take any shit from me. lol

[Michael797]

Actually ... I STILL find myself at a loss for words.  Like on the board I so often wish I had wise words but I got nuttin.  Cause nothing anyone ever said helped me. With the exception of this board and my best friend who refuses to take any shit from me. lol

 

Wait, I'm confused. I remember on the old board you used to pop up now and again and say really sweet things. It appears you're still doing that here. You seem to know where your words are just fine.

 

As far as "out there" - I don't know anyone out there who wants to hear any of the stuff we say in here. That's why we're in here, so we don't get sucked into some emotional vortex and disappear.

 

No need to sell yourself short. You're as special to this place as any of the rest of us. Just sayin'.

[Carey]

Michael you silver tongued devil you.  You just made my day

[Michael797]

Submitted for your consideration or something - yet another unaired transmission from the vault ? probably withheld due to its being too weird.

 

WEIRD WIDOW THOUGHTS

 

1. I wonder if I stand in front of a mirror in a candlelit room and say her name three times, will she show up? And if she does, will she drag me to Hell?

 

2. So much for ?life after death? ? after her death, I pretty much lost my life.

 

3. Sunlight feels creepy now. Grey seems more familiar.

 

4. Is it possible that I?ll never give a fuck about anything again?

 

5. Secretly I despise your lack of concern. You actually make death feel worse.

 

6. How do you know if you?re grieving correctly?

 

7. Never knew there were so many cemeteries around here.

 

8. So this is what it?s like to be an alien on a strange planet. Pretty much sucks.

 

9. The only advice I can give for your marital problems is ?Fix It!?

 

10. I really miss doing anything with you, but mostly the touching.

 

TTFN from Radio Hell - the eternal gum on your shoe.

 

[swilson]

Oh Michael, your #1 touches my Beetlejuice fantasy. It would have been wonderful if we could have departed at the same instant then hang out together in the afterlife in our house with a quirky new family. Anyway back to real life  :'(

[BrokenHeart2]

Micheal, I just so love your transmissions!  You make me laugh and I thank you for that. Keep them coming

[Jen]

Yes to all of these. Re #1: Been there, tried that. Also various spells I gleaned from Buffy and Supernatural. No dice; it doesn't work. I'm not sure if that's a shame or a relief.

 

 

[JacklessSally]

in response to #1

 

Due to the type of relationship that B and I had, I have often tried to do things that would make him mad, that would make him come back and get me, even if it were just to yell at me for doing it. Little stupid things,nothing huge... not like relapsing.. But I won't clean something the correct way.

[Ursula]

Michael, I invited A to appear many times, but ....nothing. I expect he will appear when/if ever I am in bed with another man, that is just the type of guy he was- and I know I will talk to him and tell him to come back another time.... and that will be the end of the other guy.....I guess....  yes, I have definitively weird thoughts....

[Joey]

With all warranted humility... I'd like to add a few of my own...

 

• I searched Amazon.com for "acceptance", hoping for a 1-click buy, or perhaps overnight delivery. No luck.
  
• I'm perfecting something I arrogantly call the "Joey hat-trick": eat, walk, bathe; all in the same day!
  
• Last week I saw a beautiful sunrise. It was a new day... I thought to myself "really? again?"
  
• Shouldn't widow(er)s be granted conjugal dream visits?
  
• Watched a movie this week. Young woman lost her husband to the war; I yelled at the TV "See ya' on the forum... ((hugs))"
  

 

Michael... thank you for this.

[rifatheroffour]

Shouldn't widow(er)s be granted conjugal dream visits?

 

IF ONLY...Hell I'll take any dream of her...

[Jen]

I almost never dream about Jim, but when I do, he's always mad at me. I don't understand why. What did I do wrong? I'm not the one who left... I'm still right here in hell.