Losing my husband

[Stephaniem86]

So, my husband and I got into a nasty fight Christmas eve night, very early into Christmas morning he got into a very bad car accident and did not survive, this is all still so fresh to me so of course I'm going through it really bad still. I don't really know what to say right now but that he was my best friend, step father to my children, my everything. Sounds gross but I haven't been able to shower, eat, clean, go to work, sleep, I've never been this depressed and yet angry before. Its the worst feeling I've ever experienced and I'm still just in the beginning. I'm going ti start going to his church and everything he did while he was here. The ONLY thing that has got me so upset is when the pastor told me that when its my time to go to heaven that my husband and I won't be husband and wife anymore, we will be more like brother and sister. That little thing that he said brought me back to what feels like day one of his passing. Now its ten times harder for me to learn how to move forward knowing that.

[MrsT85]

Stephanie,

 

Welcome, though I'm so sorry you had reason to join us here.  I also lost my husband in an early morning car accident - it will be three years ago in April.  I was 27 at the time and he was (and will now always be) 36.  I couldn't eat or sleep for days either - don't worry about "sounding gross" or anything like that with us here, we've all been in the same boat and many many of us also went through a "too shocked to function" period where it was all we could do to open our eyes and face the day each morning.  "Normal" stuff like cleaning the house and getting back to work should be the last things you worry about right now - please just worry about taking care of yourself and your little ones.  And your emotions will likely be a jumble for a long time - I know mine were and I felt like I was scared, angry, sad and hopeless all at once while also feeling like I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight.  It seems to be an (unfortunately) pretty normal reaction to an extraordinarily awful event like losing your love so suddenly. 

 

I'm not a believer so I have very little to offer regarding what your pastor said, but there are so many wonderful people of faith that are part of this community that I'm sure you will get many wise words concerning that soon. 

 

Please keep coming back and sharing with this wonderful community - it helped me more than I can tell you when I found this site's predecessor just a few days after my own love died and find it so valuable that I still visit daily.  I wish you nothing but ((hugs)) and strength as you start your journey down this horrible widow road.  Please just know you have hundreds of great people walking along beside you and that you're not alone.

[Jess]

Stephaniem86, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Not being able to eat, sleep, clean, shower, etc. doesn't sound gross to those of us who have lived this hell. For me, I didn't shower until the day of the funeral. I could hardly get off the couch. It took me about 3 weeks to eat solid food again. In the meantime, those around me kept having me drink pre-made protein shakes. It is hard to remember the emotional blur of those early days, and for that I am thankful.

 

The people in this community get it. We know how this kind of soul ripping loss feels so it is a safe place to say anything you need to say. For now your job is to try to do the basic things to survive- drink lots of water, try to eat, sleep whenever you can. These things become so hard when your heart can't muster the strength to be motivated to do them, but try anyways. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you can absolutely do this. We are all here with you.

[canadiangirl]

Stephaniem86, so sorry for your loss and under such heartbreaking circumstances.  It is okay to just BE right now.  Please be easy on yourself.  With respect to what your pastor said -very difficult to know for sure that which is unknowable.  I hope you find some comfort.  We can only do one day at a time.  Sometimes one minute.  But it's a start.

[Amor]

I am deeply saddened another person has to go through this pain.  Please take care of yourself one moment at a time.  Grief will wear you thin.  Give yourself the time you need to heal.  At my husbands memorial I got a brochure ( When Someone you Love Dies) that has helped me in different ways since my Love's death.  Nothing will take away the pain but somethings will help you get through it better.  Find what works for you and is healthy if possible. Please drink alot of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can and forgive yourself.  We understand the pain I hope we can help you through.  Vent when needed.

Wishing for peace and comfort for all losing the Love's of their lives,

Amor 

[Jen]

Stephanie, I am so, so sorry you had to look for us. Right now, all you have to do is get from one breath to the next. (((((HUGS)))))

[keeptrying]

I couldn't think or breathe. I had to try to either remind myself to breathe, or calm myself down from breathing too much that I would pass out. I am so very sorry for everything that you have gone through, and everything that you will be going through. I thought I lost my mind. I found this board, and the people here are so very wonderful, it helps so much to know you are not alone, you aren't going crazy. - You are going to hear suggestions, thoughts and just terrible comments and opinions from people. I think that is one of the hardest parts in the beginning. Please take it slow, and not worry about what others say. Unless they have been through it, they can't even begin to imagine.

[Justin]

Stephanie,

 

I am so sorry for your loss. The concept that some have of a heaven in which we will no longer be joined as spouses used to really vex me - I just couldn't wrap my mind around it until (strangely) after my wife died. I am no theologian, but I think your pastor was a bit off-base in comparing a heavenly relationship like that of brother and sister.

 

I do believe in heaven, and I think that when we meet again it will be free of feelings of romance and love in the physical sense - as we won't be in our earthly bodies. I think it will be more of a pure love and intelligence. If you haven't yet, I recommend reading C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed". If you aren't familiar with it, it is his personal account of being widowed and it helped me tremendously.

 

 

[missingm]

Stephaniem86 I am so sorry that you are here but so glad that you found this wonderful board.  Please be easy with yourself.  Grief is so exhausting.  Just do what needs to get done - self care and taking care of your children. When others offer help, accept it.  Drink plenty of water, rest when you can- sleep can be so elusive.  I am sorry that your pastor said something so upsetting to you. My personal belief is that when I pass I will reunited with my husband and he will know me as his wife.  I think Justin described it very nicely- "it will be more of a pure love and intelligence".  Wishing you and your children some peace today.  Keep coming here to post, to read.  This is a wonderful, caring community of great people who understand what you are going through. 

[Torn]

Stephanie,

  Your in the beginning of,for myself the most profound loss I've experienced.

  About the preacher, all he can do is give you his "view" in the afterlife,please don't allow that comment to effect your process,as I said 'his take' ,many different views on afterlife.

  But please take comfort in knowing,your husband loved you and he wants the very best for his wife,as all husband's & wife's.

    Try to make it moment by moment.posting and reading here will help a great deal. Bless you, ToRn