hoping things are "better"

[blue]

..

[IfIonlycould]

You said it yourself when you said "well meaning".  People who have not walked in the same or similar shoes as us tend to wish a "Happier New Year!"  Lucky them, they just don't have a clue.  Those first few New Years it felt like such a stab to my soul when people would wish me a better coming year, I used to think "My husband will still be dead so not quite sure how to make it a happy year."  I would just smile and say thank you.  I will tell you this I have gotten better at coping with each New Year that has come.  So I will say to you,  Hope you, I and everyone on this board finds and continues to find themselves in better spot in the coming New Year.

[Portside]

Do people say this sort of thing to you? What do you say in response?

 

Not so much anymore as I am years out but, they did. He's what I said:

 

"Thank you."

 

Happy new year - Mike

 

 

[kjs1989]

Fern, Absolutely. Truly, one of the hardest things in dealing with this loss is hearing the words...."Are you doing better now??" A very close friend actually showed up my door two weeks after D died and as I invited her in she she said, "So, are you better?"  Because she was a close friend I actually said to her, "Karen, do you think you would be better two weeks after John died?? Try to imagine..."

 

Starting with the visitation, when the most bizarre statements of "comfort" were offered to me, it weighed  so heavily on me to realize what I was no doubt in for in the coming days, weeks, years.... I had never heard of the term DGI until I came to this board, of course. I had been trying to piece together in my head what it was I was experiencing in peoples' reactions to my loss, and trying to come to grips with it. And yes, most people are well meaning, but they  are absolutely clueless as to loss of this magnitude, and through their words actually seem to minimize it with platitudes, cliches, comparisons.

 

Three years later, I still get some gems thrown my way, but I am definitely stronger and wiser and roll with it all much "better,"

[Needytoo]

Have to love these comments people do.  This was the third Christmas without my husband and I actually got a gift from a family member.  A book on grieving.  Say what?!?  Have to say it but me in a bit of an angry mood for a day of so. 

[MrsMisterman]

I agree with Mike. If you want to just end the conversation and move on, the only polite and speedy way to do that is say " Thank-you" or "Good" to the landmine question of "How are you?". Polite niceties. Asked and answered.

 

Anything else gets you trapped into follow up questions. A conversation you probably don't want to have. And in reality, a conversation they probably didn't intend to have at that moment.

 

I can be stubborn sometimes. Even though I know I should say "good", I refuse.  Instead I answer "Ok". Ok is never a little white lie, because I'm always ok considering the alternatives. "Ok" can get you follow up questions, but easy to shut down.

 

There was one routine question I never answered with the polite, expected response. So robotically inane to ask of me. Pissed me off. Always happens on a Monday- "How was your weekend?  Did you do anything fun?" Uggh. If they were lucky- I rolled by eyes, changed the topic, or walked away. If I was in a mean shock and awe mood,  I was truthful.

[Freelancing]

At almost 9yrs out, I still receive well wishes in this form.

I use to give a simple thank you, nowadays I respond with, Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

 

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"When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."  Bob Monkhouse