Can you admit it if First Marriage actually was not great

[thejourney]

It's weird, the longer I am removed from my chapter 1, and the more honest I am with myself, the more I question my first marriage.  There was good for sure, and we had a long history and a positive start for many years.  But there were a lot of problems in the later years - I knew the problems were there, but I ignored them for my sanity.  Now those problems are getting in the way of ch2.  I am paranoid that I will be trapped in another ambivalent marriage with little sex, lots or responsibility and financial stress that I don't have now. It very much taints how I am engaging in my new relationship and ultimately impacts the quality of ch2 as I put up tests and barriers that do not go unnoticed.

But now what - can I admit there were problems publicly in any way?  Never speak ill of the dead they say. And I don't want to, but what if something comes up. Ch1 is elevated in stature, which further impacts ch2 as we are in my old 'hood and ch2 struggles with her own ego destroying background - additional scrutiny doesn't help. It is my old people and ch1's old people so comparisons happen and they aren't true since nobody knows the real story - our problems stayed hidden.  I don't want to knock down ch1, and especially don't want to say anything negative that my kids would hear.  But it makes life now harder for sure. Divorce is easier - it is okay to not like your ex. You split up your friends and move on.

And I struggle with the guilt - what do I do with the wedding photos????  Ch2 sure doesn't want to see them. They are in a box in the basement. How can I move forward with Ch2 if I am keeping old pictures - but what if ch2 doesn't work out?  Those old pictures are part of my life too, but it seems odd to celebrate a past relationship in front of the current one. Life is easier as a guy - I can ignore the past and don't get upset (very often) about old flames.  But she doesn't have pictures of them either.  I will stop typing now, this is getting too long and random.

[klim]

Who do you want to know that life in chapter one wasn't perfect?

I had a very very positive first marriage.........but......it wasn't perfect.

I think I sometimes make a comment to that effect to NG for no othe reason than I like to be truthful with him.I want to know where he is emotionally coming from and I don't want to hold back information about how and why I think just because the person that had the most influence on my adult life( and how I leraned to be a partner) is gone.

 

I don't think there should be a concern about photos although I know this had arisen in other threads. I am not getting rid of family photos/marriage photos/highschool photos/ baby pictures or  basically any photos I have. I may choose to place things less prominently / put some away/add new ones....but I feel I don't have to erase the old to accept the new. But that's just me.

Good luck ...it's hard to navigate.

 

[Trying]

My marriage was not perfect, good in many ways but lacking in others.  I have struggled with this some since DH died.  The whole idea that a person gets put on a pedestal just because they died has never sat well with me.  The kids and I talk very honestly about DH, we laugh at the ridiculous things he did, talk about how we miss the wonderful things, and remember the ways he was frustrating. The more intimate difficulties in my marriage were not something I shared with anyone when DH was alive and I still feel no need to share these details with friends or family.

 

A few things have come up with my chapter 2 only because I find them important to explain what I want and need and what I can't tolerate this go round.  My priorities in a relationship now, at age 46, are very different than when I got married at 24 and I have had to work through that .  NG knows I would have grown old with DH if the choice was mine despite our difficulties.

 

As far as pictures go, there will always be some around, he is the father of my children.  The more romantic couple pictures have been put away but there are plenty of family shots around. 

[Sugarbell]

Well...I am from the school of thought that tearing another person down doesn't build you up to look better. In this case publicly telling your group that you marriage wasn't perfect and certain issues you had....it's not going to build up Ch2 to them. Why can't they both be wonderful?

 

Because a person dies we don't just replace them with someone else. When you stated about the wedding photos-discarding of but then stated "Well what if we don't work out?"--

 

I sense Ch2 is kinda insecure and feels threatened by Ch1. And as far as pics-I see nothing wrong with a few ...I am 8 yrs out and have two family shots in the house. My kids deserve to know their Dad...and I just share the good stuff daily. NG doesn't pay any attention to the photos-He knows it for the kids.

 

Maybe I am wrong...but the problem isn't your friends or pics in the house. The problem is Ch2 insecurity and jealousy.

 

Don't brush off your friends. Don't alienate yourself from them. Do not isolate yourself to where you have minimal contact outside your work except for Ch2. Please don't do it.

 

 

 

And don't second guess yourself...you are feeling the way you do (and have) for a reason. Your intuition is speaking to you/

[Bear Tomás]

Many idolize their past marriage. I loved Laurie - still do - and would gladly trade places with her, however, our marriage could have been much better. This is mostly because of me. I'm an asshole, more so before I was medicated. Just being truthful.

[Trying]

I wanted to add that no one should have to take sides, not you and not your friends.  You were loyal to your wife "until death do us part", it was not your choice to end your marriage.  You can continue to honor her memory with your children and friends.  Chapter 2 is just that, a new chapter.  She not feel threatened by the memory of someone no longer here nor should she feel like she is being compared.  Any friends who continue to do this may need a polite reminder that the the late Mrs X was a unique and important person in your life who can never be replaced for the role she played.  But you are so grateful that you have found Ms Chapter 2, also a unique and wonderful person, to open your heart to.  At this time in your life what you want and need in a relationship is different and you have found someone to fit those needs.  If the friends don't get that, then they aren't great friends.

 

As for chapter 2, she needs to address her insecurities and all you can do is reassure her that while your past is part of who you are, she is your present and hopefully your future.  Pictures and memories are no threat when displayed or stored away respectfully.

 

Best wishes, these are tricky waters we navigate.

[Guest TooSoon]

I agree with Trying's post above.  As I type this, I am looking at three framed photographs on a shelf in my kitchen:  my parents' wedding photo, a photo of adp (my current partner) that my daughter printed and had framed for me when I was missing him and a picture of my late husband, daughter and me on a summer vacation in Croatia.  There is no conflict for me in that line-up just as there is also no conflict for me when I am sitting at adp's kitchen table looking at a photo collage featuring his late wife and family moments.  This is the life we have been given, and I unapologetically embrace that - if others do not or cannot, it is not my problem.

 

My marriage was very good.  Others always told me how much they admired us and wanted what we had, but there were problems, problems no one else could see and that, I think, I only have been able to see in retrospect.  I put up with things I would never put up with now.  One thing that I've tried to remind myself is that I've grown up a whole lot (not necessarily willingly) since I met my husband so long ago, and cancer and death has made me stronger than I ever knew I could be.  I remember thinking, any shred of innocence or naivet? I had managed to hold on to was ripped away by brain cancer.  My  needs and my perspective have changed because of that relationship and everything that happened.  This is a good thing.  Going forward I want something more intimate, more honest, more balanced.  In a sense, I feel like I honor my marriage by acknowledging that it helped me to learn just what it is that love means to me - in both my marriage and in my current, future relationship.  Cancer also taught me that there is quite simply not enough time to screw around with insecurity or dysfunction. 

 

I lost all of my pictures and negatives from the years I spent living in North Africa in my 20s.  I felt like I lost a limb.  I grieved those photographs for years. Put them away if you must, but please do not get rid of your photographs.  One day you will be glad to have them; perhaps one day this or another partner will rightly want to see them, want to know the whole you!

 

And in truth, feeling like you have to get rid of them because someone else is pressuring you to do so is itself a problem.  Hers. 

 

Sorry, this became a bit of a random tangent.  Sending you lots of support. 

[MrsDan]

What would airing the dirty laundry accomplish? If the problem is people are not treating Ch2 with respect, or making her feel less than Ch1, you can certainly address that in other ways. Another thing you may want to consider is how you would feel if Ch2 starts to spend time focused on those problems, and malign your Ch1 as a result. I have been very honest with NG about the problems in my marriage, problems due in large part to Dan's alcoholism. NG's response has always been that Dan was so chemically dependent that it was beyond his control. He has never blamed Dan for his disease. He has told me that Dan seemed like a very nice guy, and that he thinks they even could have been friends (something that had occurred to me as well). I don't know that I could continue with him had he maligned Dan in any way. The fact that he is so magnanimous is one of the things I think that is helping our relationship to grow.

 

There are ways NG is different than Dan that I greatly appreciate. The biggest being that he doesn't drink, he's only been drunk maybe twice in his life. I love Dan very much but I will never go down that road again. And although Dan wasn't particularly abusive when drinking, often he wasn't very nice. So NG's extraordinary niceness appealed to me greatly, it was one if the things that kept me wanting to get to know him more. Do I feel conflict about there being some things about NG that are better for me than Dan? Some. I'm surprised I don't feel more. But then I think had alcohol not been in the picture, things would have been very different. But it was, and it has impacted what I was looking for in a new relationship.

 

Despite our problems though, the fact is I did love, and still love, Dan very much. I did remove a nightstand wedding picture, but kept the rest up and gave NG a heads up that that was the case. His response was, "Wait, you were married?" Then he apologized for being flippant, but said that he understood that this was and is part of my life.

 

I realize that NG is exceptionally understanding, and I don't expect every Ch2 to be that way. It must be  very, very hard, and I think the widowed community is often too hard on them.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

If you're not happy with the sex, or intimacy, or feelings towards each other, then it has to be time to reevaluate.

Getting rid of chapter 1 pics, in the basement, or even on the wall, will do nothing but later give regrets. So she didn't have past relationships where she posts pics. That's because her exes are still living, and hopefully moved on. Yours (and everybody's here) did not. Death IS different. We have no choice to go back. And it's bothered some of my past relationships. My choice was to end them.

If She's (your present chapter 2) happy, let her know how you feel. If it's a constant struggle on whether you're happy?

You have to think do and plan for now.

Not if it doesn't work out. The pics are memories, whether pleasant or not.

Getting rid of them never erases bad past memories.

It only causes more strife. I'm writing too much I will stop now also.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Save to also say I questioned a relationship or two before and came here and got sane expert advise. Thankful for the few here who set me straight with them. I knew my intuition but needed a kick in the ass (which I certainly got).

Later I was grateful, especially to the few who knew more than me.

And I'm still single. And learning.

[Sugarbell]

There were parts of my marriage that were bad...but also parts that were very good.

 

I remember both parts but focus on the good....not in a romantic way...but I want my kids to know the good things about Dad.

 

Whether we like it or not...our children deserve to know their other parent. Even if they have a great step parent...eventually down the road (or presently) they want to know about them. Especially if they were young when they died. That's just how it is.

[Mizpah]

Who needs to know this and why?  You.  You need to face the truth of what you had - good and bad, we all should.  Should the woman you're with be given an honest and accurate portrayal of your relationship history?  Probably, to the extent you talk about past relationships.  Publicly?  Why?  Who?  What is the importance of the nature of your relationship with your late wife to the public?  Close confidantes, to whom you talk about relationship stuff, yes.  Maybe your children once they're adults, if they ask questions, in a very limited and respectful way. 

 

I am paranoid that I will be trapped in another ambivalent marriage with little sex, lots or responsibility and financial stress that I don't have now. It very much taints how I am engaging in my new relationship and ultimately impacts the quality of ch2 as I put up tests and barriers that do not go unnoticed.

But now what - can I admit there were problems publicly in any way?

 

It doesn't seem to me that this is a public issue in any way.  It seems like something we all should do - see our pasts clearly, learn lessons from them, accept what was, and try to avoid repeating patterns that make us and our relationships less happy and healthy than they could otherwise be. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited to add: Regarding photos, etc.  I'm with a widower.  Upstairs in an out of the way place, we have one box for DH and one box for his late fiancee.  We used to have a couple photos up each.  We don't throw these things away.  Even if he were not a widower, I wouldn't throw them away.  There can be a middle ground between enshrining and discarding. 

 

Edited again to comment: I agree fully with Sugarbell that tearing down something or someone else doesn't build up someone/something else.  Chapter 2 shouldn't feel as though she is living/loving/being loved in comparison to chapter 1.  That is the real problem as I see it, not the nature of chapter 1. 

[Guest nonesuch]

You'll see a post of mine under Special Circumstances.  I had a mediocre marriage at best.

 

Divorce is different, in my opinion, but has it's own challenges. I know women who are divorced who didn't want to be abandoned by their husbands.  They had no choice.  I used to think that by the time people divorced, they must not love one another any more.  I know now that people may love one another a lot, and still not be good for one another.

 

I decided to own my decisions, the good ones and the stupid ones.  Any venting about my late husband would go here, to a mental health professional, or to Friends and Family of alcoholics.

 

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

 

Bitching about him to others I figured would only advertise my own poor judgement.  I picked him, I stayed with him.  My choice.  Fortunately (?) Flavor's marriage wasn't perfect either.  Like most marriages, there were good times and bad ones. I'm not threatened by his happy memories, he's not by mine, and we've both matured and come together with a better understanding of the human condition.  There is a lot of talk about a new love being threatened by the memory of the old. Meh, I married a divorced man.  He must have had *some* good times with wife #1.  I'm certain Flavor did with his wife, too.  Good.  We have a better idea of what works, and what doesn't. 

 

[rememberingjason]

I think for a long time I felt like I had to be careful and let everyone believe our marriage was great. Many still do and that is fine. There were very good times for sure and great memories. I have found that with my NG I have opened up about things that weren't so good. I feel safe in that he won't share those things with anyone else and since they affect me at times it was important that I share.

 

I think if you feel safe sharing with NG and that it will only be between the 2 of your then say what you need to...we all need to be able to be 100% honest with our Ch 2 on the things that are important to us.

 

 

[daysofelijah]

My marriage was not great. And as bad as it sounds there's part of me that is grateful for the opportunity to do better the second time. That sounds totally horrible. It's something that I have shared with NG though. I can share deep, scary stuff like that with him. It's not something I'd go tell anyone, they wouldn't understand.

[Guest nonesuch]

it doesn't sound horrible.

 

I'm much more mature than I was at 28.  Well, somewhat more.

 

When I was younger, I just didn't want to be alone. I think that's how I decided to marry someone even though he had a drinking problem.  I was certain he'd outgrow that.  *sigh*

 

When I saw the red flags flapping this time around, I walked away. 

 

I'm more understanding and thoughtful than I was 30 years ago.  I can be a better partner this time out.