Don't know where my head is at

[Wynne]

So I am only a couple weeks past the 6 month mark and I don't know if the shock has worn off or not.  On the one hand I am able to work and get through the day mostly, albeit with a lot of forgetfulness and zero ability to focus.  But I still feel numb.  Sometimes I force myself to think about what happened because I worry that I'm not facing it.  I'm afraid of "the shock wears off and reality sets in" (if it ever does).  I wonder if what I'm feeling is normal at this point?

[Wheelerswife]

It sounds pretty normal to me.  Grief has a way of cycling sometimes, too.  We get "past" a difficult point...or so we think, sometimes, but somewhere around a future bend in the road it can reappear.  For me, reality set in pretty quickly after my husbands' deaths.  The first one was not unexpected...in fact it had been anticipated for the entire time I knew him.  I went home from the hospital and sat on our bed and realized that THIS was the day I had dreaded for a long time.  Although I had been prepared for him to die, I really wasn't prepared fro him to be dead.  When my second husband died, I was certainly in shock.  I also had had prior experience and knew that dead meant - well - dead.  That reality was tough.

 

You are able to work and get through the day...you are putting one foot in front of the other and living this life the only way it can be lived...one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  If reality comes knocking at your door in a particularly abrupt way...a trigger, a difficult memory, just plain sadness and anger at the situation...you will do what we have all somehow managed to to.  That is just to live through the moments the best way you know how.

 

Keep posting and reading, too.  It helps to put words on the scattered thoughts in our heads.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Justin]

Wynne, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Last January 8th was my six-month mark, and I remember feeling drained from the holidays and much like you, able to function but not really able to focus.

 

The fact that you are worried about not facing your grief tells me that you are facing it. I tried to (and still do try) to face triggers head-on and not "give power" to them. In the earlier months, I actually tried a bit too hard to face things and would sometimes leave myself emotional drained the next day. It may be a poor analogy, but facing triggers is almost like exercising: you soon learn when you might "overdo it" and wake up sore the next day. The thing is to keep "exercising" to get better. I now stay away from the cemetery or avoid looking through old photos on days when I am tired or emotional, and I (pretty much) know when to put things away for another day.

 

The numbness is your mind's way of protecting you when necessary, in order to get things done. I'll be at 1.5 years in two days, and although I have acceptance that Marsha is dead, it still is surreal at times and seems like a dream. I am finding with time that the surreal feelings come on less often and less intensely.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I'm getting close to a year, and I can relate to the way you may feel. I struggled with the idea of going back to work. I questioned if I was acting "normal" so I wouldn't have to deal with everything I was feeling. Sometimes, I did try to just bury it and act like I was okay. I was tired of being treated with "kid gloves" because of my situation. I wanted to be done with grieving before I was actually ready to be, because I was just so damn broken. I still have moments. I don't know when these moments will stop, if ever.

 

There is a lot of fear in wondering if how you are dealing with loss the "correct way". Try not to think of it like this. There really is no correct way to deal with loss. Everyone's got their own path, and you will find yours. Try not to feel guilty as you move forward. Don't beat yourself up when you've had a good day. I know I did. I used to wonder if it was ok for me to have fun again. I felt like if I enjoyed anything, that I wasn't hurting enough. That I was supposed to stay broken, and that having a good time meant that it was ok that she was gone. That's not really the way things work, and I know that she wouldn't want me to force myself to suffer for her sake.

 

That numbness will fade with time. You shouldn't try to force yourself to feel anything, feelings have their own way of pushing through the walls we like to put up around them. Just take it slow and move forward a bit at a time.

 

 

[Wynne]

Thanks guys.  You all have great things to say.  I started to say that I didn't know how you guessed exactly how I am feeling, how what I described is accompanied by guilt at enjoying anything, but then I remembered that of course you understand. Thanks for the reassurances about my numbness and emotions.  It's all just so much to deal with.

[Amor]

yes wynne, that is another reason you have forgetfulness and a hard time concentrating this is way too much on your mind to focus on what your brain can not handle.  Be patient with yourself.  This is the hardest thing to go through.  Take every moment one moment at a time.  You will slowly be able to have your brain work better.  Give yourself the time you need to grieve and think through this pain.  Never feel bad you are happy, love those moments when they come.  You love wants the best for you and happiness is one of the important things on that list. 

May you have peace and comfort for years to come. 

Amor