Abitlost Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 And I should be able to voice my frustration and not have to walk on egg shells all the time due to his past divorce issues. I guess from both sides this has been brewing for a while as we don't communicate well - and have a somewhat long distance relationship. Maybe there is more stuff going on on his side that he hasn't revealed? But I wish he would be man enough to talk to me honestly. I'm sorry CW. What you wrote here reminds me of my ex-BF. We didn't communicate well and it caused a lot of problems. Even after 4.5 years, I couldn't tell him when I was hurt without him getting defensive. It led to a lot of passive aggressive moves on both our part. Still I think what could have been if we had been able to effectively communicate. Maybe couple's counseling would help? hugs, abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Thank you all- I really appreciate all the feedback. This really helps. Abitlost- he could really use some therapy and we as a couple could (just to communicate better) but when I mentioned it a while ago he turned down the idea. He thinks couples therapy is only for married couples...sigh. I feel as I've really tried here but it's not being recognized or reciprocated when needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 CW, my blood is still boiling over the six days. I would have wigged out by day 2! In the interest of offering multiple ways to think about things, have you asked him point blank what is going on? I find that when I get all tangled up/passive/aggressive and can't communicate effectively, sometimes I just need someone to nudge me and then I can let it out, explain and move forward. I seem to have some synapses that aren't connected and can't seem to get there on my own a lot of the time, bottle it up and just need the permission to explain myself, if that makes sense. I'm not saying put up with this six day crap though. I also agree that it will just continuously repeat unless the two of you come together and find some common ground and talk it through (oh the irony - talk through how to talk it through.....) Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I agree that is silent treatment is very juvenile. I would not be capable of doing that to someone I cared about even if I was angry about something. I'm sure this is very hurtful and I hope he mans up and let's you know one way or another what is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I'm sorry you're dealing with this CW, it hurts and yes, very juvenile. I don't have any words of advice, but the silent treatment would really make me turn my heels and wonder if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life? The answer to that, for me, would be a definite "No". If he gives you the silent treatment now, how will he handle anything in the future? To me, the silent treatment is a form of control, a way to demoralize you. It's a form of punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. It makes you feel lost, sad, and helpless. Unfortunately, you said he's done the "silent treatment" before, there will be literally hundreds more to come. When I was with x (cause he doesn't deserve the capital "E" in front of that letter), I simply couldn?t believe that anyone could do something like that to a person that they supposedly cared about. You know what it reminds me of? My son, when he was two and he would hold his breath until I gave in. Well, he couldn't hold his breath forever, so he didn't win the game. It's just a way a person tries to get the upper hand of the situation. Don't let him know you have negative feelings with the silent treatment, take control of it, tell him that his behavior appears immature, controlling, desperate, manipulative, ridiculous, etc. Pretend if you have to, appear relaxed, shrug it off as if it had no effect on you. Ugh, Hugs, I know it's hard emotionally! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Nothing to add...you've gotten great advice. The smartass in me says "Ignore him back..go on with yourself"--But that just opens a can of worms..and he wont like it..then you all will fight, have an argument, the juvenile shit will continue. I would just face to face dump him. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 You know, the more I think about this, I think the end of day two means an automatic break up. That's not something one can just come back from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 I know I should be the bigger person here and contact him - but I am so angry and disgusted by his behavior at this point that I am just moving on. I don't deserve this silent treatment and if he is going to flip out over what was virtually nothing, it is symptomatic of larger issues on his side. I was the last person to be in contact, the ball was in his court and I'm tired of usually being the one to smooth things over.... I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time. Thank you again for letting me vent here - it helps me to deal with this crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Wishing you strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Captains Wife, I'm super PROUD of you!! You are an amazing person and good for you for holding your ground. It's okay to be angry and disgusted! No, you don't deserve the silent treatment, and if/when he does text or try to call, maybe stand your ground some more and ignore it, for at least 7 days! It would make my mind crazy thinking of all the why's of why he's not contacting me....but then, I've learned, that he probably wasn't thinking of me at all and I was only making myself crazy. Don't do that to yourself, be proud for knowing and acknowledging that it shouldn?t be like this. Trust your feelings and your instincts. You deserve love, and you can get it....from someone else! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I know I should be the bigger person here and contact him - but I am so angry and disgusted by his behavior at this point that I am just moving on. I don't deserve this silent treatment and if he is going to flip out over what was virtually nothing, it is symptomatic of larger issues on his side. I was the last person to be in contact, the ball was in his court and I'm tired of usually being the one to smooth things over.... I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time. Thank you again for letting me vent here - it helps me to deal with this crap. I'm sorry that this has happened, and I do remember that he did this before. After reading everything you've said, I agree that he's being a jerk. I'd like to believe that he's being ignorant, not "evil" or spiteful. So far, none of us have his side of the story. I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time. I agree that you are well within your rights to start looking elsewhere. Didn't you say this is a long-distance relationship? Perhaps you could find someone who's not quite so far away. If he doesn't want to lose you, he should make a greater effort to stay in touch. As it is, you're left to wonder why he's neglecting you: Does he lacks the guts to honestly break up with you, or is he simply too much of a dope to call you more often? I hope you feel happier about all of this soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Fuck his side of the story. He's gone silent for a week. No matter what the situation (and in this case wasn't some do or die one) he absolutely showed spite in not responding. Chip up Captain's Wife. I know it hurts. Regroup like you said and hit that dating scene again. There's better fish in the sea. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I just have to weigh in here on what you titled a 'bump' in the road. Sounds like more than a bump. Your current love interest sounds quite immature and not nice. I agree with someone here that said this is no way to treat someone you care about, take the widowed part out of it. I am sure you know this: You can do much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I'm sorry, CW. I'm sure more of this story will be revealed but the turmoil you're going through sucks. abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Well I have my answer. He is back on Match.com...I haven't signed up but you can search for free and there he was. Very painful but I'm happy I haven't contacted him and it told me that I need to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TormentedTwoStep Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I can't stand this current culture of simply "ghosting" when the going gets tough or uncomfortable. This idea that emotional abandonment is an acceptable way to break up. C'mon-we're adults. Yes, there are hurts and it's a minefield, but can't we have a conversation, man up and actually have the discussion-even if it's to break up? I sympathize with you. My first and so far, only post widowed relationship ended much the same way. I didn't even know there was an issue, let alone what. No answers to my calls or texts for days, and then I had to text with the question, "Is this over?" The answer came back yes. Cowards. I can't stand it. Tight hugs to you and the hope that the pain doesn't seep too deep from this one. If he can just clam up and move on, he's not the man you deserve. God help the next lady that tangles up with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 What a heartless coward! I am so sorry that he doesn't have more respect for you after the time you have shared to break up with you like a grownup. As painful as this must be you at least know for sure that he is not the man for you. Tight hugs to you as heal from this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 CW, without a doubt, you dodged a bullet. I know it hurts in so many ways, but he did you a favor in releasing you. If I were you, I would take this opportunity to articulate your every gripe in an e-mail to him, take some time to heal yourself, and move on. You know you deserve so much better. hugs, abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Completely immature and he is a scum... Now you know he was not the one for you. I'm just sorry you had to deal with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Don't know how much time was invested but no matter it hurts. The norm seems to be loss of communication then finding them on the dating sites again. Usually they hide profiles at first, then look for their next victim. Been through it too many times. He's a loser and will attract some other just like him. Then call you when that backfires. Hopefully you'll be strong and deposit garbage in the proper place. Pitiful. Truly sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 I'm seriously not even going to waste my time with an email to this jerk. This behaviour is so hurtful after 1.7years together and bringing him into my world. One lesson I really learned in this whole thing - if the red flags are there and you are genuinely not feeling loved and supported in CH 2 then move on earlier....I also learned what I wanted to do differently next time. I think I just wanted to see the best in this person so I worked harder on the relationship than I should have : ( Thank you all for your support - it is much appreciated as this post break up feeling is very painful...even if it's the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 After 3.5 weeks, I finally got a message from him saying he was sorry for his behavior and the way he handled everything. That really helps me from a closure perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I'm glad he apologized - as he should. I'm glad that you're done, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Still Standing Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Hugs to you CW.Break ups always hurt,but remember you've been through worse.Take time for yourself and regroup because you deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I guess a weak, overdo apology is better than nothing. Time to lick your wounds and remind yourself that you deserve so much better. Now the big question, wine, ice cream or a new pair of totally hot shoes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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