Captains wife Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Honestly, I needed a place to get this out. I have been having some issues with my Chapter 2 relationship recently as I have been admittedly unhappy with certain aspects of my Chapter 2 relationship and have been re-thinking about whether to keep going (we have been together for a year and 7 months). He says he is very happy - I would like a few things to change for me to be happier. In many ways, he is a wonderful, kind man and we have a lot that makes us a good match but unfortunately we don't communicate well (as we are somewhat similar in this area). This past week I have been crazy busy plus he has done a few things recently to upset me (not making plans ahead of time, his drinking behavior, some insensitive comments/actions) so I kind of shut down this past week and was very aloof (not responding to all texts, even when he asked what was up - he could tell something was "off"). I finally fessed up after a few days via text that I was angry about a few things (and let them build up) plus I was overwhelmed by the amount of things I have on my plate now (work crazy busy, son with broken leg etc) and I apologized for my aloof behaviour. On Friday, he suggested maybe we should speak via phone (I said maybe later in the weekend - with me, I need to sit on things a few days when I am angry which is why I didn't reach out earlier in the week), we exchanged a few texts earlier on Sunday (he sent the last one, sending me a pic of his new couch) and then...radio silence. He never called, and didn't text again. We are usually in touch several times a day but he is giving me the silent treatment now and I am just fed up and upset. This vicious circle has happened before and I don't think its justified. But I cant bring myself to break the vicious cycle this time and just trying to focus on other things as I see how this plays out. I care about this person very much but I also cant take this emotional rollercoaster, with everything else I have going on. I don't need advice about breaking up vs. not breaking up (that has to be my final decision) but maybe some of my fellow wids could help with ideas re: coping mechanism/helping me to cope as I go through a bad period (and maybe end) of my Chapter 2. I can feel myself getting distracted and upset but want to keep pressing forward with what I need to focus on right now - work and my son (rather than checking my phone endless times). Ugh - thanks for listening.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 One thing that stuck out to me is your interpretation of things. As an example, you 'need to sit on things' but he is giving you the 'silent treatment'. Could it be that he sees things the same way, but in reverse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Thanks - it is indeed very possible. We are very similar....but boy this feels like high school....uuggghhh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I also let things bottle up, thinking "oh well, its nothing" but then it simmers until I just simply cannot deal. I will also from time to time passively aggressively not respond when I don't like the timing/nature of the communication I'm getting - and this is made so much worse because of the time difference. I know it is unhealthy and I don't know why I'm like this. But then I wig out (like I did last night). Not sure what to tell you but I saw myself in every line of your post. If adp sent me a picture of a couch when I was feeling stressed/lonely? god help him. He sent me an email yesterday that sent me through the roof, though that's of course not how he intended it. In the end, I know it is me and not him. I often wonder why he sticks around. It is not easy to understand what you're feeling when you're feeling it and even harder to be able to convey it rationally when it needs to happen and before someone else's emotions complicate things. I super get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 This is helpful, thank you. Honestly, when this has happened before, it is me that breaks the vicious circle most of the time, even when he was in the wrong. Its not the couch text that set me off (but he did send it in the middle of a funeral which is why I didn't respond) but he has done a number of things recently to upset me and I did apologize on Sunday for being aloof plus emailed him a coupon for his couch as a "nice" gesture. This time around, I really don't deserve his silent treatment (especially as he knows how stressed I am), although knowing him I guess I get it. I really try and be fair (I learned a lot becoming suddenly widowed) and while my communication skills still need work, I also feel I would have acted so differently if the tables were turned. I am just tired of this cold shoulder from him and needed to vent so I can get through it and decide my next steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 My situation is and has been different from yours, but I too have been through difficult times in my "chapter 2." I'm trying to think of how to be helpful, what to focus on, but I'm having difficulty. I don't know why. You're long distance? I think that is a large part of it. Small slights and rudenesses and misunderstandings and little issues can become much bigger in distance. My boyfriend is not a good communicator, to the extent of just simply not responding as a general practice - to texts, even to in-person statements, when he even senses the potential for conflict or confrontation. This has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to deal with and navigate, because I'm an overcommunicator (which I consider a good thing! hahahaha). He often thinks I'm trying to fight with him when I'm actually seeking resolution and closeness and greater understanding/betterment. I am ALWAYS the one to recognize and break the cycle. Always. Without exception. I always apologize for my part in things, even if he's done something I feel he should apologize for - he very very rarely apologizes. I pick my battles. These are not the ones I find to be important - everyone's different, and I know this stuff would drive some people crazy/angry/hopeless. Many people (including some of my former selves) have very black-and-white opinions about other people's relationships, perhaps from their own experiences, perhaps from being bombarded by simplistic quotes slapped into memes and taken as relationship gospel. Humans are so complicated. I throw out generalizations, and focus on him (and me). His interpersonal habits come from a place. Understanding him is my task and my privilege, just as treating me well is his. He shows his love in ways that are very different from my ways, and because of that difference, I was often blind to them or discounted them. I try not to expect him to be like me. I try not to take personally his own coping mechanisms and limitations. You say it's happened before. You say he's done a number of things recently to upset you. Recognizing the patterns that result in bad times has been key for me. For me, it's been well worth the efforts. I've matured a lot because of it. Sorry - not sure any of this babble is helpful. Wishing you only good things!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 This past week I have been crazy busy plus he has done a few things recently to upset me (not making plans ahead of time, his drinking behavior, some insensitive comments/actions) so I kind of shut down this past week and was very aloof (not responding to all texts, even when he asked what was up - he could tell something was "off"). I finally fessed up after a few days via text that I was angry about a few things (and let them build up) plus I was overwhelmed by the amount of things I have on my plate now (work crazy busy, son with broken leg etc) and I apologized for my aloof behaviour. You deserve credit for recognizing that the stress you experienced at work is affecting your mood and influencing the way you feel towards him. On Friday, he suggested maybe we should speak via phone (I said maybe later in the weekend - with me, I need to sit on things a few days when I am angry which is why I didn't reach out earlier in the week), we exchanged a few texts earlier on Sunday (he sent the last one, sending me a pic of his new couch) and then...radio silence. He never called, and didn't text again. I know this has been said already, but - you did say he wanted to phone you on Friday and that you didn't want to talk to him. You also said that he sent the last text message. Who cut off the communication here? While you do mention that he said and did insensitive things, I don't get the impression that he was behaving angrily towards you. It sounds like you wanted him to leave you alone and he did that. I would expect him to be feeling frustrated and confused right now. I care about this person very much but I also cant take this emotional rollercoaster, with everything else I have going on. I don't need advice about breaking up vs. not breaking up (that has to be my final decision) but maybe some of my fellow wids could help with ideas re: coping mechanism/helping me to cope as I go through a bad period (and maybe end) of my Chapter 2. I can feel myself getting distracted and upset but want to keep pressing forward with what I need to focus on right now - work and my son (rather than checking my phone endless times). Ugh - thanks for listening.... I have also had a series of bad moods lately where I feel angry over things that happened long ago with people I have nothing to do with any more. I attribute these moods to a lack of exercise and boredom. If I had more sense, I'd be at the gym right now. I am planning on some outdoor activity tomorrow night. I hope things work out well for you and this guy. It sounds to me like he wants things to work out, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Well we just had a text argument. I'm so tired of this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Well we just had a text argument. I'm so tired of this... Here's an idea - why don't both of you suck it up and TALK to each other. You know, face to face or by phone. Texting is not a substitute for real communication. Perhaps you both will get to the bottom of what is eating at each of you and then you'll be able to move forward. Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I hear you- this is so juvenile. I offered to get on the phone and was turned down.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Well we just had a text argument. I'm so tired of this... I guess I didn't understand where he stood as well as I thought. I hear you- this is so juvenile. I offered to get on the phone and was turned down.... ...then the ball is in his court now. I know it's snowing in Massachusetts tonight, but - can you find something else to do for the rest of the evening? This is good time to be busy doing something you enjoy. I'm sorry that things got ugly like this. |+| M a r k |+| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Thanks to all for hearing me out while I vented. He ended up sending me a nicer text and just called. Things aren't 100 percent sorted out but we had a good adult conversation and both acknowledged some bad communication habits. Mark - u were right...he was very frustrated and confused since he felt he made an effort last week and I was pushing him away. We shall see how things progress- we r meeting in person next week. So much unecessary drama...ps- it's pouring rain here out in Buzzards Bay MA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I can be a bad communicator at times too and it has lead to some arguments with NG. Texting definitely makes things worse in my opinion yet I continue to fall into that trap at times, especially when I'm being moody about multiple other things. My NG is usually the one who insists that we talk on the phone or face to face and he's usually right, it helps. Be persistent about talking to him, no matter what the outcome you won't know if this is something you can work through without talking. Stay strong and try to stay calm so you can communicate with an open mind and open heart. Edited because we were posting at the same time. I'm glad you're talking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 PS - I tend to make notes before I talk to my new guy. It helps me think through my thoughts and get to the root of what is bothering me and why- and also to sift out (when on paper) things I shouldn't be getting upset over given other factors. In the old days when I was married, I just used to get angry and either spew out whatever in my head or go into shut down mode. I know the notes thing is dorky but it helps me keep organized, calm and allows me to get my thoughts out (that I thought out ahead of time). Might work for others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Reading all of these post with rapt interest as much of it mirrors my current predicament. I've gone into complete shut down mode and cannot communicate - all of my feelings are jumbled up into a giant, incomprehensible, tangled up mess. Add long distance and the time difference and I fear I've made a complete mess of things ---- again. For me, I think there is a lot of fear involved. Fear of disappointment, fear of rejection, just fear of everything - residual, of course. Brain cancer will do that, I guess. It doesn't manifest itself all of the time but it is there. I need to find someone to talk to who can help me communicate better - because now I fear losing him because I am such a crap communicator. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 There are two sides to every situation. Texting as one has written here most often can be misinterpreted and from experience rarely has positive results. I am set in my ways, at thus age and time. What do you want or plan to change about him? This can have severely negative results. Ok so if someone came to me especially texting about what they don't like about me, o would become very reserved and possibly apprehensive. Maybe he feels much the same about you. Things he isn't overly happy about but has accepted. Although I don't believe you have to work at a relationship, Communication, all along, is essential. If he is backing off there is a reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 TooSoon - I too (as we can all see) have communication issues. I am very protective of myself (and my feelings) and my son and I am not particularly emotionally open (although I am certainly better than I used to be as I have worked on this post widow). I fear rejection a bit but I mainly fear things generally not working out. I am dating long distance too (although your situation is clearly more long distance) plus my life is crazy busy so this Chapter 2 relationship is so foreign to me - ie. seeing someone 3-4 times a month. I am also dating someone who I think feels more than he shows/communicates and is very stubborn - which is not very comforting to someone who has been through a sudden loss of a husband. Although I am not 100% there - I have a few suggestions which have helped me: 1) when you get communication that sets you off (for whatever reason), take a step back and sit on it for a while rather than react immediately to your feelings (try and distract yourself for a while). In the beginning, I would just react and when I feel threatened I can be quite "sharp" and that would just set him off. So now I sit back and wait and then respond. 2) Write stuff out you are feeling and want to say ! It helps I promise. 3) Make plans ahead so the schedules for you two have a timeline. I find I feel "separated" if I don't see what is happening next, 4) Have a frank discussion (in a rational way) about issues bothering you and own it if you feel certain feelings are "irrational". When I explained certain reactions/feelings to NG, he sat back and understood and I saw changes in his behavior (and our interactions) which helped. (I am still working on this however). TalktoAngels - Agreed on communication - we (NG and I) are very similar in that respect - therefore the silly problems and misunderstandings. I hate to "compare" but my DH was very open and a great communicator (most times, except when I pushed him too far) and it really helped me that he was like that. I also agree NG has accepted things about me he isn't really happy about - he has actually said as much. I don't want to "change" him but I want to change some of our interactions I think - and I feel I have changed some of my actions to accommodate him. I will give him credit that he has altered some behaviors over our time together but I guess part of this dating process is trying to understand what I can and can't "live with" (and same for him). I think we are still in that phase, especially as my child is also part of the picture as is his bitter divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 CW, I probably more than understand your feelings. Especially when we the widow(er)s, try to establish ourselves in the dating pool. I am just thinking that you may be way ahead of yourself in establishing "make or break" scenarios. I think I read this is a LDR, which so often has difficulties within itself. I am one for either accepting people for who they are, enjoying the moment when we are together, or then if it doesn't seem a perfect, or good fit, leaving space for the possibility this won't work out long term. I can only adjust and act upon how I feel for another person. If they smoke, or drink, without obsession, than I don't think no matter what I do, it will change the person. If I voice my opinion fine, but if it comes across as a demand, I can tell you from dating after widowing, it will ultimately be the thing that distances someone, and possibly seperating, or ending a possible relationship. I don't make demands on anyone now. Maybe a polite suggestion, but if I really like someone, I have learned to accept them for the person they are, not the person I want them to be. Again, just suggesting. I am far from obtaining or having my post widowed goals, met. All I can do is live life and try to be happy, and hopefully help others, while trying eventually to find someone, again, to mutually share happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Unfortunately after yet another texting episode, New Guy has gone silent on me again and it has been 6 days of the silent treatment. I sent the last text and I have been the one on prior occasions that reached out to him, including calling him, to work things out. I have now reached the end of my rope. After 1.7 years of being together, I don't deserve this type of treatment. It is so juvenile and in fact a cruel way to deal with someone who lost her husband suddenly. And, honestly, the texting was not even an argument - I was frustrated as he forgot about a date we had planned the week before. And I should be able to voice my frustration and not have to walk on egg shells all the time due to his past divorce issues. I guess from both sides this has been brewing for a while as we don't communicate well - and have a somewhat long distance relationship. Maybe there is more stuff going on on his side that he hasn't revealed? But I wish he would be man enough to talk to me honestly. Just needed a place to vent again - and please send me positive thoughts so I can move forward in a positive way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Hugs, CW. I've been thinking for awhile that you deserve something better. This guy may have some great qualities, but somehow, there doesn't seem to be a match here with your two personalities. Maybe in some ways you are too alike and your heads clash because of that? Interestingly enough, my second husband John and I were quite different...so different that in the initial stages of our getting to know each other, I had doubts that it could work because of the differences. What I found in the long run was that we ended up complementing each other very well, each bringing things to the relationship that were weaker in the other person. None-the-less, you have invested a lot of yourself in this relationship and it is sad to let your investment...and your positive feelings go. You have a great personality and you deserve someone who can bring out the best in you, too. Thinking of you, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Many positive thoughts coming to you. This length of a relationship deserves more than having to endure 6 days of silence. That is very disrespectfull of the relationship and you, not to mention immature. You are not teenagers. If it was me, I would no longer reach out, you have done this before and yet, here you are again. If it is something he truly wants to resolve, he should step up and initiate the conversation. If he doesn't, you have your answer. It truly sucks, but you deserve so much more. It is out there some where. Sometimes I feel the need to settle because I feel something better may not be out there for me. I'm learning I need to change this frame of mind. We are special women....there is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't expect and demand only the best for ourselves. 😊 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I'm very sorry you are going through this CW. It sucks, even if "it's for the best." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Just needed a place to vent again - and please send me positive thoughts so I can move forward in a positive way. Okay, I'll take you at your word - I'm positive you need a change. ;D This fella's (lack of) communication style obviously grates on you. It would me too. We can all talk around the it but six days on extinction is childish and immature no matter what the provocation. This guy's a grown man right? If you want more of the same, keep doing what you both are doing. Get ahold of your courage and dump him. Best wishes and good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Six days of the silent treatment seems like more than a bump. I hate being ignored, it makes me so angry. I'm sorry. You deserve more respect and kindness. I wish things were easier and happier. I hope they will be soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 It is so juvenile and in fact a cruel way to deal with someone who lost her husband suddenly. Try to put your widow status aside for a second if you can, because this shouldn't be acceptable to a non-widow either. It's childish of him for sure, though it sounds like there were precedents for it from both sides throughout your relationship. You are sounding like you have finally had enough, though, and I don't blame you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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