Fear

[Guest TooSoon]

Lately I have been struggling.  Feeling like things are getting worse and not better.  For a long time, some of this was muted because I found myself falling in love and it was all very exciting (and still is) but this fall and especially the past few weeks, I have not been in a good place; avoidance has caught up with me. 

 

I'll spare lengthy explanations and musings on why, but I am plagued with feelings of fear, of being afraid of things both big and small, rational and irrational, real and imagined.  Mostly I am afraid of failure, disappointment and more loss, and it cuts both ways - me failing others, others failing me.  Avoiding this fear and beating myself up for it have been with me to some extent since I can remember (i.e. childhood) and I developed coping mechanisms to deal with it but cancer, death, solo parenting and grief have amplified it and I am tired and tired of living with it.  It is hurting me and my relationships, standing in the way of happiness, and bleeding into too many aspects of my life.  Has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing?  If so, have you come up with coping mechanisms to help you identify ways to feel safe, more confident about the future, less afraid, to let go of fear?  I've tried the Be Here Now, mindfulness stuff and it has helped me, as has simplifying and not putting myself in certain kinds of situations, but this is something else, something more like PTSD and its been going on so long I can't seem to break the cycle.  Not sure this makes any sense but it is the best I can do. 

 

This is a little random but I'm facing a long, lonely winter and in just a few weeks it will have been 3 years.  I am looking at making a most welcome major step in my relationship and for that reason, too, it seems prudent to try to sort some of these emotions out before they hit me like a tsunami again.  Thanks for any input; I thought it was worth a try. 

 

ETA: by the way, I wasn't sure where to put this so admins, feel free to move it if you think it belongs elsewhere.

[imissdow]

This is something I have dealt with for a long time.  Most people think I'm very confidant but really there was a ton of emotion hiding behind it.  I have PSTD. Probably had it for years then when My LH died and I got robbed at work it spun totally out of control.  Generally I feel pretty good if I stay in my safe little bubble of home, work the grocery store and other types of places where I feel in control. Crowds still bother me as do anything new. I started running, In part because I knew winter was coming and I get depressed, partly because my new self defense plan is to take off like a bat out of hell if I don't feel safe. Now I also lift, and I'm going to give kickboxing a try.  When I can't get out it makes a huge difference in how I feel.  I also do bilateral stimulation if I feel like I'm really getting out of control. In my case I cross my arms and tap my biceps.  You could google it.  Trying to do it just keeps my brain occupied and then I can usually calm down.  When I travel I always stay at the same hotel.  Typically the first trip I don't sleep at all but by the second or third I'm good.

 

I actually have a trauma therapist with whom I did EDMR therapy and it helped a ton. She tells me that I was unusual because when I came in I told her what exactly my trauma was and I was actually coping pretty well by her standards.  This by no means makes me feel like things are going the way I want them to.  I still don't see the future I really want however most of the time I do feel like I can cope with most of what come my way.

[canadiangirl]

I'll be following this thread to see if there are any other good ideas like those of imissdow's.  If you haven't tried EMDR it might be a help.  I honestly cannot think of anything else that is not pharmaceutical (prescribed!).  Perhaps it is possible that when things are resolved with adp re: living arrangements your sense of fear will dissipate as you will have that feeling of safety from having your partner beside you all the time. 

 

Sending you my very best TooSoon. ((TooSoon))

[Captains wife]

TooSoon,

 

First of all I am sorry you are feeling this way.....I am not sure I can relate 100% to what you are going through but I do understand some of the issues you were describing. My grief therapist thought I may have some form of PTSD after the very sudden loss of my husband (after he was "missing" for 10 hours and then I had to pick up his body at the boat dock) and then being left to care for a 9mth old boy alone.

 

I have had friends who have tried EMDR with good success, who have been through other life traumas. In terms of medications, I am personally not into using them - but this is purely my own choice and not for everyone.

 

I wish I could help more but let me give you a few suggestions of what has helped me. What has helped me the most in the past 3.5 years since losing my husband has been making some key lifestyle changes. These include: 1) Diet (cut drinking way back, eating healthier vs. binge and comfort eating, cut back processed food, less caffeine), 2) Exercise (seriously tough aerobics classes, including ones where I could punch or kick). I work out regularly and the endorphins have helped so much, 3) I sought out new things to keep me occupied with my time and to introduce me to new people. Sometimes I want my alone time at home with my son but pushing myself to do new things and mingle with new people (widow and non widow), 4) Regular monthly visits with my grief therapist (to get any crap out of my head I don't want to tell anyone else, or just have a good cry), 5) Relaxation yoga at night (alone, after my son goes to bed - bought a video on it) and forced myself to "clear my mind", 6) Writing stuff down to get it out - especially if upset with NG or other friends, it helped to write it out. I also write out my TO DO lists and break it out as to what to accomplish immediately vs what can wait so I don't feel overwhelmed. 7) Planning stuff in advance to look forward to (esp in the winter). For example, I am taking my son again to Florida to visit a friend. For you, making visits to see NG, trips with your daughter etc. Knowing I had a plan of even just events helped my anxiety about the more immediate future. 8. I take help where I can get it - i.e. I have become much closer to my family and lien on friends when I need help as a single parent...and then I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed.

 

Im not sure any of this can directly address your anxiety but maybe a few of them might be helpful in some way. All the best,

 

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

Psychotherapy/psychoanalysis - that's all I could think as I was reading your words.  It sounds like processing this and thinking/talking through it to find sources and patterns and triggers and healing and coping and betterment, it can all be found there.  I'm biased I suppose, because I did lots of it.  But I truly credit that (2 days/week the first 8 months after DH died, then once a week for a couple years) with how well I feel I did in dealing with DH's death and the aftermath and my re-entry into life.

[lcoxwell]

To begin with, your post truly spoke to me. While reading it, I could see myself in so many of your words. I, too, have greatly struggled with PTSD, with fear of failure, with stressing over all that needs to be taken care of, etc. Other people have already shared a great deal of the strategies that I would also suggest, many of which I have tried and have helped. I've also used my support system of family and friends, as well as church involvement, Bible reading, and prayer (which is the single things that works best for me, though I realize it isn't for everyone).

 

One thing I would like to add it this: You are facing a number of changes in your life, and change is HARD. It is normal to be afraid and to experience the kind of fear that you described. For what it is worth, I have found that once the changes have been made and a new life/routine is established, things generally improve substantially. From what I know of you, I truly believe you have the temerity to tackle your fears and to come out on the other side a bit happier. I know it is oh so hard, but hang in there, dear lady. ((((Hugs))))

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you for all of your input; it means a lot to me.  I'm a huge proponent of therapy and have gone intermittently my entire life (there is no chance I ever would have finished my dissertation without it).  I was put on medication when I got the news of brain cancer and it helped me but it numbed me to the degree that I felt like a shell - I could function but I could not feel.  I wish there was some miracle, in between elixir that allows one to feel but not feel scared or traumatized. 

 

I've kept a lot inside.  Though wordy, I'm not always expressing the things that need to be expressed.  I'm going to try to be better about that and be stronger about admitting that I'm not always strong.  This is undoing a lifetime pattern - my mechanism for "protecting" myself - and its going to take some work but I can't carry this weight around and I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I deserve to feel safe but it has to come from me, it has to be internal. 

 

Ugh!  I hate this!  But thank you all again  -  you are some of the kindest, most generous people I "know." 

[missingm]

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

 

Not sure if this will be helpful..I hope it is ... Fear has always been my constant companion but I have tired of it companionship.  Practicing meditation has helped to ease my anxiety.  I started small..5 min ...now I start my day with a 20 min of meditating.  Also constantly reminding myself that thoughts are things... Keeping a positive focus, finding the good, looking for the good.  I try to sweep negative, fearful thoughts from my mind as soon as I 'go there'. And I have this quote posted around my house to keep me in the present "when you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be".  It is a daily challenge for me and I am really awful at this some days and unlike you I do not have the addition responsibilities of  a little one that depends on me. My daughter is grown and out on her own. Always in the back of my mind is the realization  that i have survived what i thought i could never... Losing my DH..my soul mate.

 

Although i do not 'know' you, from reading your posts i do see an incredibly strong, kind, accomplished resilient woman.  Sending a hug and a high five for keepin on keepin on.