meeting new people

[imissdow]

So tonight I head out for my first ever kickboxing class.  I'm really hoping that there are a couple of people at this class that I feel comfortable talking to.  I know the instructor she was my trainer when I first started going to the gym a year ago.  I told her I wanted a class for fitness and for some adult time. She assures me that this is a good place for that. I have taken dance classes, gone to a grief group, did a stint at the local theater, joined a gym did meetup groups for a while and joined a couple of groups at my church.  I even got involved in my DD's marching band and color guard for a year or two.  I have met a lot of women but not a lot of guys.  I did on-line dating and met a lot of the wrong type guys and a couple of nice ones.  To be quite honest I'm really rather sick of meeting people. I have a hard time remembering names unless you did something that makes me remember you.  I have no interest in most sports, I'm not into bars and somehow I'm thinking quilting and dancing will just net me more women friends.  I'm now on e-harmony  and that's looking like a waste of my 45$. on the flip side I don't have a in box full of "do you want to meet for sex" e-mails.  In all my pictures I am fully  dressed  so it's not like I'm sending that type of message.  So we do you go to meet men that they won't think I'm looking for a hook up?

[linda5]

I'd like to know the answer to that too!

 

[daysofelijah]

It sounds like you've done a lot of great ideas, just hasn't panned out yet. I live in a small town right now so other than the bar scene the only option is really OLD. I've been fortunate and met a nice guy on Match who lives in the next town. Pay sites like match were much better that the free ones like OKCupid for getting more more serious contacts. These days it seems like the best option. It's how I met my late dh 15 years ago too. Sorry I don't have any ideas, it's a tough thing.

[Portside]

  So we do you go to meet men that they won't think I'm looking for a hook up?

 

Have you reached out and asked some of the guys on your dating sites if they'd like to meet for coffee? I think I'm in an older demographic than you so that my have some impact but plenty of women asked me out for the initial meet when I was dating online. Not much can go wrong if you meet at Starbucks or Panera just to introduce yourself to someone. I always found it very flattering when a woman asked to meet. Never had a bad time either!

 

Many of the group activities you mentioned are generally women oriented. Naturally, you'll meet more women than men. You will have better luck if you go where the men are: sport bars, golfing, Crossfit gyms, Home Depot, etc. I wish I was kidding but, honestly, that's where (many) of us are.

 

Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own. Ask a guy in Home Depot for his opinion on anything and he'll talk your ear off. Hand him a wax seal for a toilet drain and ask him how you install it. Presto! You'd made a new friend. If you are nervous, tell him you've never asked for help before. Double points!

 

Good luck! - Mike

 

 

[Guaruj]

I agree with this last paragraph and would like to add my own two cents:

 

Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own.

 

Women who are clever about this will show just enough interest to ask questions. I'm sure you will often meet a man who enjoys the opportunity to explain what he knows to you. You don't need to be an expert on any kind of "guy stuff", he'll be happy to know that your interested in the subject and interested in what he knows about it.

 

Have fun!

[lcoxwell]

Personally, I would love to be able to give you a bit of advice here, but I am quite the oddball, apparently. In my 20s, I was doing many of the things that you mentioned doing, in order to meet men. Just about everyone I knew was also busy setting me up with this friend or that one. None of it worked for me.

 

Then, I met my Kenneth randomly on one of those online chat rooms for Christian singles. Within a couple of months, I was packing up and moving across the country to be with him and we were together until he died. After reading the horror stories of the online dating world, I set up a partial profile, on a whim, before I was ready to date, and during a particularly bad night of missing my Kenneth. Now there's a good strategy for you!    Basically, I used the free version of eHarmony on a weekend that allowed free communications. In less than 24 hours, I was matched with my New Guy. A few weeks later, we met in person. Now, a year and a half later, we are engaged and planning a wedding.

 

Essentially, I took every piece of good advice that I was given (twice) and did the exact opposite. The two relationships that came out of going against convention have been the only two successful relationships of my life. Go figure!

[Captains wife]

I hear you. Even though my prior dating profile mentioned I was looking for a serious boyfriend, guys just went after me for a fling. I also found Match.com the best of all sites but this also very regional dependent. I found it best to try and meet men as well as new friends through meetup groups or social groups where there are common interests. For example, for me it was sailing (and I joined local yacht club) and also my wine tasting groups. Some of the activities you mentioned may limit the men that cross your path. I know...the whole process is frustrating but it sounds as though you are doing many of the right things and making a concerted effiort. That's great. All the best,

[Viva]

I did sign up for eHarmony too but it does?t work very well for me.I guess because I am not living in the US and that is impossible to meet anyone in person for coffee. I did sign up for a while before I met my husband though and I think the matches in those days were better.

 

I have no clue how to meet new guys again honestly. Every time the thoughts of not being able to be with my DH and maybe need to be with someone else just making me start to cry. :'(

[Needytoo]

I could almost have written everything imissdow has written.  I have gone out and have found some great hobbies and have met a few people that I say our my friends.    I am so grateful for the few friends I have but I thought I would have so many more.  Why is it so hard?  I know in the past I was just so filled with anger but that is all gone, so I keep working on myself and just trying to be as positive and fill myself with gratitude. 

Early on I tried online dating and it didn't go well.  I paid for a membership at e-harmoney and match.  Didn't get one person from e-harmoney make contact.  Match was better but still didn't make any really contacts with anyone but deep down I wasn't ready. 

Now I can say I am ready even took a cheap course on how to write my profile.  I am getting more responses now.  But still get those people that just vanish but it doesn't bother me like it did before. 

How was your kick boxing lessons imissdown? 

[Bear Tomás]

Fishing? Hiking? Monster Truck? Powerlifting? Strongman(woman) comps?

 

I have quite a few strictly platonic female friends.

[imissdow]

Sunshine: It was cool  to see a post from a year ago and to think back on where I am now.  My kickboxing class netted me 1 female contact, much younger then me but we can chat. I ended up switching to boxing and met another lady my age, and a couple of guys almost as young as my kids. I'm now in a combat fitness class. However my youngest started karate at the same place, met several parents whom I can chat with and 4 men closer to my age who if nothing else are comfortable enough to chat with.  It's a great group! Had a Christmas party and planning a get together for summer.

I moved in May. I love my new neighborhood and have a few new friends I picked up along the way.  Still haven't found my next great love however I have a second date with a guy I'm finding very easy to talk to and for a change I'm having fun with it.

If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be comfortable meeting a stranger for coffee or dinner and getting to know them I would have thought you were nuts. I do that fairly often now. I meet people all the time some times we share a joke and a smile, doesn't matter if I meet them once or a dozen times.  I have a much larger circle of friends and acquaintances then ever. 

 

[momtokam]

SunshineFL, You already know how much I'm cheering for you! :-)

[RobFTC]

Yup, I like Meetup groups.  I inherited a young-widows-and-widowers group when the former organizer had to move to take a new job.  I was a member and had used it to advertise the two bagos I hosted.  She had talked about making me a co-organizer, but hadn't (I think there's a story there), so the group was about to be shut down when I jumped in.

 

Overall, it's been good, with some issues.  I am a bit the wrong person to be a social organizer to the degree this group really needs ("what, I need to plan again???").  It's gone months without an event at times, and if I don't schedule an event, few others will.  And there's the fees - I pay about as much to support the meetup group as it costs me for match.com every six months.  Meetup.com does have a couple of ways to share that cost around - mandatory annual fees, per-event fees, and assistance with asking for and collecting voluntary donations.  After wondering whether anyone would care if I just shut it down, I added the latter last fall, and I got more help than I had expected.

 

I think the thing that makes me saddest is something that's hard to get around - we have a massive membership list, but north of 90% are idle.  Many haven't even logged into the site for any purpose for more than a year.  At 135 members, I'd guess we see a dozen turn out for events.  I've pruned some, and will keep doing that, but it hurts when people you have met and liked are the ones who don't care about the group any more.  And I then feel guilty that this group with my name on it doesn't have more activity and more varied activity to keep people engaged.  C'est la guerre.

 

But still, when six of us old hands get together for a great breakfast in Old Town and meet one new person who's been lurking for a year, it's pretty cool.  I love these people :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[klim]

Rob that's cool to hear about your meetup experience. I am connected to lots of different meetups...am idle in some but very active in others. Rob does it make a difference to the operation of the group if you have different numbers...maybe I should take my name off the idle ones....

 

There is a widow /er group around here that is very very active....but they are mostly 65yrs old.....probably very nice supportive people but not really my niche.

 

[RobFTC]

Rob does it make a difference to the operation of the group if you have different numbers...maybe I should take my name off the idle ones....

 

Hi klim - yes, size matters :-)  There's a price break where you need a more expensive and more flexible membership past 50 people.  I would prefer to have more people actively drop when the group stops meeting their needs.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Needytoo]

Meetups are not taking off well in my area and I am not sure why?  There were a few that opened up and I attended, events doing arts and crafts and they slowly died off. 

 

After my husband's death I looked and looked for widow/widower support groups and it took me over a year but I found one that was being held in a catholic church.  I wasn't a member of the church but they still let me go. At first, it was just widows and then widowers then it people who had children die.  The church would make a meal that cost $5 and we would do some kind of activity.  I went a year and half and generally enjoyed it but always felt a little bit of an outsider.  I even tried volunteering for support to newly widows but that didn't work out so well. 

 

I did find another widow/widower group which I am interested in but the meeting is on the same day as another thing I am doing. 

 

Our local libraries do a bunch of workshops and the best part is they are free.  Just started a photography course and me and two other ladies are getting together on the weekend to do our homework.  I am hopeful that it will be the beginning of a new friendship.