Grief, self doubt and tears

[Trying]

I generally plug along and do what needs to be done.  I'm making forward progress in some areas of my life but failing miserably in others. I can ignore those areas most of he time because I am so damn busy but some days all of my failings seem to have a spotlight shining in them and I can't ignore them any longer. The answer is pretty simple, just do something about it, just change. So why isn't it so simple?  I can't keep complaining about the same things over and over and not do anything about it, I need to do better, be better. It really should be that simple, right?  I'm really not happy with the new me, this person I barely recognize. 

[Wheelerswife]

It is difficult to be unwillingly thrust into having to re-create ourselves.  So much changes with the death of a spouse.  I'm not sure if it is possible to remain the person that we were.  Maybe some people are able to do that, but not me.  I think it is hard when we are in the process of change.  When I was rebuilding my life the first time, I had strong support from my second husband.  I liked me and I liked my life.  But I am thrust into rebuilding again, and I am uncertain about so many things.  Nothing feels right.  My relationships with every person in my life are different.  I'm different, so everything that is connected to me is different, too. 

 

You seemed to have followed part of the path that I followed after my first husband died.  You are in the process of making a change in your profession.  That process leaves ME feeling insecure every day.  Can I handle these classes?  Can I be successful in my new ventures?  How am I going to make another transition out of school in another year?  Add your own circumstances here...

 

You also have a new relationship in your life and that is wonderful, but it involves the future blending of families, and that weighs on you.  You are coping with your oldest son, who is struggling not only in ways that many late adolescents struggle, but also with his father's death.  You have the worry of health issues for your middle son.  Its all so complicated, eh?  Change is HARD work.  We didn't ask to be thrust into this change, yet we have to adapt to new situations and challenges.  Our grieving brains have enough to do as it is, and more gets piled on our plates.

 

Hugs, old colleague of mine.  I know how resilient and determined you are.  Sometimes, we just have to let all of this out, because besides being strong, we also have a soft and tender underbelly.

 

Maureen

[sojourner]

No attempts at advice here, just empathy!  Certain things I seem to be able to power through. However, I've got a standing list of things I apparently have a mental/emotional block about dealing with... some of which I can see why I avoid and others about which I really don't see why I can't just get 'er done. :-\ 

[hachi]

((Trying)),

 

My periods of being unhappy with myself came and went. I first tried to distract myself and was pretty successful, like you. I made some excuses. I didn't really do anything about it either. But eventually, I was unhappy enough to get started in a positive direction. Better health habits, counseling, new job.  Setting boundaries was pretty huge for me.  I was finally able to lose the guilt over the things I had no control over and be honest with myself about what I was capable of doing and wasn't.

 

It was and is a long process. It sounds to me that's where you are, as well. You have been making these changes and will continue to do so. But it just takes time and hat is frustrating when we just don't know how much time there really is.

 

Living in the present.  Sounds so easy, eh?

 

[Trying]

Thanks everyone, I had a bit of a meltdown last night for a couple different reasons. I'm feeling a lot of heartbreak and guilt about my older son. He was such a good kid before his Dad died and I feel like I have failed him. I know he is responsible for himself and his choices at 19 but I can't help but feel partially responsible. I was always proud of the Mom I was before. My other issue is my weight. I have not been able to get control of it since becoming a widow. I do well for a few months, eating healthy and exercising and then I slip back into laziness. I saw a picture of myself yesterday and it just set me off. I'm so embarrassed that I am educated in fitness and nutrition and I'm overweight. I had 2 people confront me, lovingly, this week on my excuses in this area and I realize that all I have is empty excuses. My children and my health need to be my top priorities, not just in my heart but in my actions.

 

Thanks for the support and the space to vent. I continue to be amazed at hard this life is.

 

[Wheelerswife]

I'm so embarrassed that I am educated in fitness and nutrition and I'm overweight.

 

Ditto.  Do as I say and not as I do. 

 

But we are all human, right?  We all have our weak points.  Well, at least I do!

 

Maureen

[Rayspumpkin]

I adore this, just when I'm feeling completely alone in my ramblings, I come here & boom...other wids with the same issues. I hate that we understand each other, but at least we're not alone. Hugs!

[Guest TooSoon]

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  I lost a lot of weight to the point of its being scary and I needed some time to recognize what I was doing to myself and figure out what needed doing.  I have every confidence that you will find your balance. 

 

It is not that simple - the kids have their stuff and the world keeps forcing other things on us that we can't always anticipate and we are parties of one - the parenting decisions alone have nearly done me in these last three years. 

 

I'm an uber-control freak, but I've had to cry "uncle" and let some of it go.  It is not easy stuff.  Always here if you need to talk and I think you're pretty amazing. 

 

xx

[Captains wife]

Sorry Trying, this sucks. But I hear you  - I feel like I take a step forward and 2 steps back in many aspects of my life, including professional, personal and as a mother. I also feel I am failing my young son sometimes - he has some developmental issues and some behavioral issues and I find it overwhelming to deal with while working full time etc. I am now considering dual therapy sessions for us as I recently have had trouble coping with parenting along with everything else. 

 

Its NOT simple but you are doing what you can and I can tell from your posts how much you care about you son (and your kids) and all the many things you have done to try and help your son. He also needs to take some responsibility at this age. Please take a day at a time, give yourself some slack and maybe focus on a few "projects" at a time - its impossible for one person to do everything. I have fallen off the wagon numerous times as it relates to exercise and eating - but, again, you have so much on your plate so just get back on track when you can and take small steps, there's no direct timeline.....Wishing you all the best and sending widow support.

[MauiMermaid]

It really should be that simple, right?  I'm really not happy with the new me, this person I barely recognize.

 

(((Hugs))) Understand this so well. What I try to tell myself is that it took decades to create the old me. I should be kind and patient with myself in the creation of this "new" me. It's only 3 years into this re-discovery and it could take a while.

 

The first chapter of our life was an amalgam of experiences, successes and failures, joy and pain and ultimately we grew into ourselves with our spouses. The rebuilding process isn't an easy one. It will take time and patience with ourselves. Hopefully all of us will move closer to a newfound peace with our "chapter 2" selves. Hugs to you!