It Has Been a Rough Day

[lcoxwell]

Maybe it is because mine and Kenneth's anniversary is less than a week away and the two-year anniversary of his death is quickly approaching, but today has been such a rough day. First of all, I woke up in the early morning hours, then drifted off to sleep again in the hour before I had to get up to go to work. In that time, I dreamt about him and woke up missing him. Then, I got in the truck and accidentally hit the button to switch from the radio to the CD player. Wouldn't you know it, I still had one of Kenneth's favorite CDs in the player?

 

All day today, there have been reminders of him, everywhere I go. Some have been subtle, such as one of my students saying something that he would have said and in a way that he would have said it. Others have been overt, such as Facebook memories popping up to remind me of the very last time his son, daughter-in-law, and their children visited him before he died.

 

And just in case the universe hasn't tortured me enough, I thought it would be a good idea to lean into my grief for a little while, to listen to the music that made me think of him, to look at the few pictures I have of him, and to allow myself to reminisce a little bit. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING!?!

 

I think I have cried more today than I have cried in months, and I have missed him more than I have missed him in a very long time. Today, I am YEARNING to just be able to hear his voice or see his smile. I would give just about anything to have another argument with him or to walk into the room to find him smoking one of his smelly cigarettes. God, I miss that man!

[Amor]

I am so sorry you had a rough day.  I did too.  Man does it hurt so much when all your want is your love back in your arms.  I hope the memories are good and they help you to feel the love still there. 

Amor

[donswife]

I am so sorry your having such a rough day

the reminders are so hard to take when all your trying to do is get through the day

and I don't know how facebook does it but they pick the hardest pictures that hit us right in the gut

take care

 

[Trying]

Wouldn't it be better if we could choose when the waves of grief would hit?  I hope that the good cry has helped and that today goes a little smoother.

[SoVerySad]

Tight, tight hugs to you, L! Missing them doesn't stop and so many reminders in one day surely felt overwhelming. FWIW, I think your leaning in, visiting with him through your pictures, and that good cry may have been just what you needed to help you prepare for the upcoming anniversaries. I'm sorry it was so painful, though.

 

More hugs...

[sojourner]

I think going into the deep grief for this was just a way to process your loss. Maybe inside you needed a catharsis of sorts? Nothing wrong with that. I think it's natural to process our grief anew in our own singular ways as we travel through different phases of our development as widowed individuals.

 

On days which are of special significance to me, I do best if I consciously plan and mark the day/timeframe with, in my case, some flowers in a vase. In season (Midwest here), from my garden, otherwise even a modest few purchased blooms.

 

For me, I really have to acknowledge what are my personal milestones in some concrete way, in order to fully process the waves that hit. Sometimes that involves sinking into the grief pretty deep, and other times just more of a fleeting acknowledgement thing. I think we do what we need to do at any given time, in order to go forward while still acknowledging our losses that've brought us to where we are at this moment in time.

 

Peace to you!

[lcoxwell]

What a beautiful and thoughtful post, sojourner! Something about your words just really resonated with me. It is true that I needed to take some time to acknowledge and process a few things, and I think I needed the catharsis, as well. Kenneth and I were together for 13 years, and married for just over 12. I have been Mrs. Coxwell (or Mrs. C) for nearly 14 years, which covers almost my entire teaching career and nearly 1/3 of my life.

 

In just a few short months, I will no longer be Mrs. Coxwell. I am overjoyed about the idea of marrying my New Guy, but I am also saddened, just a bit, at the idea of losing a part of my identity. So much of my life, so much of the person I am today, is because 14 years ago I married a man, who loved me; and I have been proud to carry his name all these years. As I am approaching Kenneth's and my anniversary, it is beginning to hit me that this will be the very last year in which I will be sharing his last name.

 

Lately, it feels like each and every day, I am losing more and more of Kenneth, and I am caught in this strange limbo between the incredible love and joy that my future promises and the deep sadness and sorrow of letting go. It's a strange place to be.

[Jen]

I've had a few rough days lately too, so I can empathize completely. (((((HUGS))))) Tuesday was my wedding anniversary-- should have been six years, but of course there's no one to celebrate it with anymore. It was just... Tuesday. Groundhog Day, so I guess that's something, but... not what I wanted when we chose that date. :-\

 

I'm so glad to hear that you're finding joy. I understand the trepidation about the change in name and identity... I think that's something men  don't quite get (unless they change their names too, lol).

[Amor]

lcoxwell,

How are you doing?  Wishing the seas to calm and happiness of your new life to bring joy.

Amor

[lcoxwell]

Thank you for checking in, Amor. This month and next month are likely going to be hard. Today was our anniversary, and was another difficult day. Tomorrow, I will hit the 23 month anniversary, since Kenneth's death. Toward the end of this month, I will be reminded of the final visit from my family, just before Kenneth died, and of his last hospital stay. Then comes the first two weeks of March, which includes that last week before his death, his daughter's birthday (his last semi-coherent day), my son's birthday (his last waking hours and the day he slipped into a coma), the day he died (2 days after my son's birthday), his birthday (6 days later), and St. Patrick's Day (the day we buried him). Truthfully, I would love to just bury my head in the sand until March is over, but life keeps moving on and I, apparently, still have to go to work and pay bills. 

[Amor]

I wish you could sleep until March is over.  Then be well rested for your new life and not have all those painful daily reminders for the whole month.  Many hugs and prayers that you can get through every memory with peace.  I am keeping you in my thoughts. 

Thanks for sticking your tongue out, I think I should start having that attitude maybe to get through these rough days. 

Amor

[Michael797]

In just a few short months, I will no longer be Mrs. Coxwell. I am overjoyed about the idea of marrying my New Guy, but I am also saddened, just a bit, at the idea of losing a part of my identity.

Lately, it feels like each and every day, I am losing more and more of Kenneth, and I am caught in this strange limbo between the incredible love and joy that my future promises and the deep sadness and sorrow of letting go. It's a strange place to be.

 

I honestly have no idea what came over me to stop on the board tonight after all this time - but I stumbled over this post of yours and couldn't let it slide. I've passed the 18-month mark, but time still hasn't returned to what it used to be. It seems like such a long time and such a short time all at once - like everything's changed but I haven't caught up with it entirely.

 

I think time is just pretty much permanently screwed up now and there's little chance that a second, or an hour, or a month, or a year are ever going to feel like they used to. With that in mind, while I have complete respect for your numbers, mine don't make any sense to me at all, so I couldn't possibly be of any help in that regard.

 

But this is what I find to be the most amazing thing about your post - that you're on the eve of placing your heart into someone's trust again. That is extraordinary - I'm frankly so proud of you and happy for you that a stupid reply like this couldn't possibly do it justice. You were one of the kindest souls to approach me back when I crawled onto the board a year and a half ago. You were always so sweet and gentle - you even donated your voice for a cause, for chrissakes! You deserve to have a safe place to go with all that love that you've been carrying for so long. I wish you complete happiness, I offer you complete support, and I remain at your service if a need should ever arise.

 

The time warp might never ever go away - maybe it's one of those permanent scars from the aftermath. What matters most is that your heart survived. That, to me, is the ultimate message of hope anyone could come here looking for.

[MrsT85]

. So much of my life, so much of the person I am today, is because 14 years ago I married a man, who loved me; and I have been proud to carry his name all these years. As I am approaching Kenneth's and my anniversary, it is beginning to hit me that this will be the very last year in which I will be sharing his last name.

 

This may be a silly suggestion, because it's such an obvious thing I feel like you must have already considered and dismissed it, but here goes:  Have you considered keeping both last names and hyphenating?  I'm getting remarried at the end of June, at that's what I'm doing because it's really the only option that feels something resembling "right" to me.  Here's why. 

 

When I married Tim, I was so willingly and so ecstatically leaving my old identity of Miss F behind that there was never a thought in my mind that I would do anything except take his name.  I became Mrs T so proudly and so happily.

 

So when I lost him so suddenly I decided that if I remarried I would probably take my new husband's last name but I'd also keep Tim's and hyphenate.  Losing him was something I never wanted to happen.  It was something done to me rather than something I chose.  So I wasn't going to treat his last name like my maiden name - I wasn't going ever leave it behind.  That's something I've stuck by, so in  few months I'll become Mrs T-F.  It feels right.  I'm still Tim's wife.  But I'll also be Mike's wife.  My identity is complex and sometimes difficult to understand because of whatI've been through.  So my name will match.     

 

Just an idea. Wishing you nothing but happiness  

 

 

[lcoxwell]

But this is what I find to be the most amazing thing about your post - that you're on the eve of placing your heart into someone's trust again. That is extraordinary - I'm frankly so proud of you and happy for you that a stupid reply like this couldn't possibly do it justice. You were one of the kindest souls to approach me back when I crawled onto the board a year and a half ago. You were always so sweet and gentle - you even donated your voice for a cause, for chrissakes! You deserve to have a safe place to go with all that love that you've been carrying for so long. I wish you complete happiness, I offer you complete support, and I remain at your service if a need should ever arise.

 

Michael, I cannot tell you how deeply touched I was, when I read this. I had wanted to take the time to thank you properly: but life and recent illnesses have gotten in the way, and I simply have not had the opportunity. Words cannot express how grateful I am to you for always finding the words to life me up and encourage me along the way. I am thankful that I have been able to return even a small portion of the kindness that you have shown me.

[lcoxwell]

This may be a silly suggestion, because it's such an obvious thing I feel like you must have already considered and dismissed it, but here goes:  Have you considered keeping both last names and hyphenating?and so happily.....

 

Just an idea. Wishing you nothing but happiness  

 

Honestly, I do not consider your suggestion to be a silly one, at all. I did give some serious consideration to keeping both last names, or to changing my middle name to my current last name and then taking the new last name. I know that there are many, many ways to look at remarriage and I remember reading discussions on this very topic on YWBB. As I recall, I could easily see every single point of view and agree with the decision each and every person made. It was so hard for me to decide what to do.

 

After giving it a great deal of thought, I decided to drop my Kenneth's last name. For me, it came down to the thought that I will always carry him with me. The memories I have of him, the knowledge that I was his wife and that we were together until he drew his last breath, and the fact that I carried his name for so many years will never change. I will still be me, and all that I hold inside will still be there, regardless of what name I choose.

 

My New Guy has never been married. He has patiently waited his whole life to find me, and he loves me like no other. The fact that he is ready to share his life (and his name) with me, means more than I can possibly even begin to describe. I feel as though I willingly gave up my previous name, when I married my Kenneth; and now, New Guy deserves that same honor. Frankly, though I never discussed it with him, I think New Guy would support whatever decision I made; however, I think a part of him would be hurt, if I wanted to hold on to Kenneth's name.

 

While this is not true for everyone, I know that for me, personally, I should not have been considering remarriage, unless I was ready to also change my last name. For me, I knew that as long as I felt the need to hold on to Kenneth's name, I would still have some grieving to work through, first. So, I can feel some sadness at closing that chapter on my life and letting go of yet another piece of Kenneth, but I know that it is the right thing to do, for me and for my New Guy.