Ugh, I can't even....

[MrsDan]

Some of you from the old board may remember that I am estranged from my oldest sister. It stems from an email she sent me almost two years ago telling me how harmful my grief was to my daughter and the rest of the family. She said some  grossly inappropriate things, made more so by the fact that she had no idea what she was talking about. It wrecked me for weeks. She said she would never apologize for writing that letter. She texted a couple times about trivial matters and I did not respond. It essentially ended my relationships with most of my family, because her kids never made any attempts to reach out to me or anything.

 

Since then I have moved out of state, started a new job, bought another house, and started a relationship with a wonderful man. Before I moved, I got some papers related to a trust my mom had set up for DD (My sister's husband handles her finances). In the papers he left a note telling me to give my sister a call before I left. Um, okay. If she wanted to fix her mess, maybe she should have picked up the phone.

 

Then this morning she sent me an email apologizing. I'm not sure what precipitated this.  My mom came to visit this weekend. She met my boyfriend. Maybe my mom told her about him, and she thinks I'm fixed to the point of being approachable. I post pictures of DD on FB; my sister and I are not friends but she 's friends with DD and Dan, so she sees things if I tag one of them. A couple weeks ago I posted a photo he had taken of DD and me. It was the first photo I've posted of myself since Dan died. And man, people couldn't fall over themselves fast enough liking it and gushing over how great it was that I had posted it. Now, my widow friends,  and a few others, I know they get it. It was a big step. To tell the truth, I did look happy, and I never thought that was possible, and it had pretty much had to do with the guy who took the picture.

 

But other people, the people who blew me off or disappeared, acknowledgement from those people frankly aggravated me. I love my boyfriend, and the reality is he has made things easier to bear on a day to day basis. But I am not "fixed." And I don't appreciate people coming out of the woodwork now that they think I am. I'm not sure if that's what 's happening with my sister. But really? An email? PICK UP THE PHONE! I realize that's probably a really scary prospect. But FFS, she's 53 years old. And I confront abject horror every day in the form of memories and images and the sheer knowledge that Dan died, and died horribly. She's scared? Give me a fucking break.

 

I don't want to discuss these feelings too much with my BF, because he's very close with his family and frankly I'm embarrassed that I'm estranged from most of mine. I mean he knows, but I'm afraid I won't be able to talk about this without sounding crazy and bitter. So this is just a gripe session I guess.

[Max2507]

Always feel free to vent here. I understand that aggravation with people that think if you are smiling, then magically you must be healed, fixed, over it. It took me a while but realize that if you haven't been through it there is absolutely no way you can understand what its like. Some people are better at being there and trying to understand and some are just freaking not going to get it (such as a divorced friend that wanted me to go to a afternoon music thing yesterday because she was meeting a guy she met on match.com, seriously you ask a widow to be a third wheel on your valentines date?)

 

An email is perhaps not the best but it is something. One thing we all can understand here is that life can be short, much shorter than we expect and do you really want to be estranged from your family. Maybe take some time and a send her a well thought out response. Can you forgive her? Do you want her in your life?(Some family members people might as well do without because they are toxic so not that one has to maintain family relationships of they don't want to)

[Trying]

I think a big question for me would be what was your relationship with your sister like before Dan died? Was this completely a surprise that she would be so insensitive or was she always a judgemental person in your life who you didn't see eye to eye on?  I think the answers to that would make a difference on whether or not you want to see this as her extending an olive branch that you want to accept or throw back at her. I was estranged from my father for my entire adult life, when he extended the olive branch I saw it for what it was, he was not a good person, and I didn't accept it.

 

I'm sorry this has stirred up some old hurt at a time when you have found some joy.

 

 

[serpico]

I figure if an email was enough to cause an estrangement in the first place, maybe it's not a bad way to start a rapprochement...

[SoVerySad]

MrsDan,

 

I remember the original email you are referencing. It was that egregious that it has stuck in my memory, so I know how hurt you must have been. I think Trying's advice about considering the relationship you had prior to Dan's death is good. If she has always been judgmental, I'm not sure how much I would allow her into your current life. You've been working so hard to rebuild your life and you've done it without her support. You've found some happiness in your life. If you think she'll be a force that will take away from that, I would limit how much you let her into your life. You can still accept her apology, but keep a safe distance to not allow her approach or opinions to cause you self-doubt.

 

As far as the contact via email, I'm with you that a phone call would have been better, especially in this type of situation. However, it seems that people are phoning less and less. Texting and email seems to be becoming the more common means of communication. I agree that it wasn't the most courageous way for her to offer her apology.

 

I've believe it was Maya Angelou who said something like, when people show you who they are, pay attention. That is the approach I'm taking with people who really let me down after T's death - people whom I had really been a stalwart supporter to during difficult times they experienced. I don't want the negativity of conflicts in my life, so I've allowed myself to re-establish some of those relationships vs cutting them off. But I paid attention and I'm being cautious about the level of interaction I'm allowing - just being careful. adjusting my expectations, etc..

 

I'm glad you've found some happiness to help offset the pain. You deserve it.

[MrsDan]

Thank you for your thoughts. Our relationship has often been complicated. She and my brother are fourteen and twelve years older than me respectively. I have another sister that's just fifteen months older than me (who I am still on good terms with) and there have always been some weird tensions between the two "batches" of kids. We were always in different places in our lives than them, and there are issues involving our parents, a few of which she referenced in that letter. We had all gotten to a better place, but then Dan died. Initially they were all very supportive. But then my brother stopped calling, and when he came to visit right before the infamous letter, I think he was somewhat startled by my appearance, and just where I was at. A few days later I got the letter from my sister. My brother called I think once since then. But it was always hard maintaining a relationship with him, and after Dan died, well frankly I just didn't really care to. So I haven't spoken to him in two years either.

 

The other thing is that frankly I don't think her wording was  particularly great. She takes responsibility, I guess, but her word choice, well, I don't think the language is that of someone truly sorry for her actions. I think she regrets the response it engendered, or even that it hurt me, but it's not clear to me that she truly understands how hurtful it was and why. Another fact is, although she says she misses us, I think it has very little to do with missing me and more to do with wanting to be a part of DD's life. I don't blame her for that; she's a great little kid who much of the family is watching grow up on FB (by virtue of being friends with Dan). But wanting to be a part of DD's life isn't enough, in my opinion, to earn it. If she couldn't deal with me then I don't know how she's going to now. Even if I may be more agreeable to be around now, I sort of feel like she threw away the right to experience that. She told me to grieve in my own way, in my own time but that was complete horse shit. Maybe if she had waited, been patient, she would see someone who is still very much in pain but much more functional.

 

Max2507, I don't know if I can forgive her. Yes life is short, but that can mean it's too short to put up with people who are not good for your well-being. As SVS pointed out, I've built something of a life for myself here, and without her support. There have been people who have been there for me, without judgment and those people are still part of my life. I've had bumps in the road with others (namely Dan's parents) and I've managed to mend those fences. But this is different I was thinking actually yesterday about that. Why was I able to get past my issues with them, and not with my sister? And then I realized, it's because they lost a child. Their son. They get more slack. It's just the way it is.

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to put it away for a while , and take it out periodically and think about it. But  I'm considering explaining this to her. I'd always assumed that if she ever reached out to me, and I wasn't able to let her back in my life, I just wouldn't respond. But now I'm thinking that's just shitty, and more than a little cowardly. Right now I'm more inclined to tell her that I have to try to build a life for myself and my daughter. That involves things that require an enormous amount of mental and emotional energy. Consequently, I'm just not in a place where I can consider what she's really asking for (forgiveness, to be a part of our life) in any meaningful way.

[serpico]

I think she regrets the response it engendered, or even that it hurt me, but it's not clear to me that she truly understands how hurtful it was and why.

 

Is it really that important for her to understand the hows and whys of a widow? Many here (including myself) often say that people can't understand if they haven't been through it. And if she truly doesn't understand, isn't that all the more reason to forgive her?

 

I think you've built a fine case in your mind against allowing her back into your life, but I'm not sure anyone really benefits if you carry it out. But I'm biased, as I believe strongly in the power of forgiveness.

 

[Max2507]

 

Right now I'm more inclined to tell her that I have to try to build a life for myself and my daughter. That involves things that require an enormous amount of mental and emotional energy. Consequently, I'm just not in a place where I can consider what she's really asking for (forgiveness, to be a part of our life) in any meaningful way.

 

This sounds totally reasonable. You can only do what you can and want to do. When I asked about forgiving her its not really for her its for you to release the negativity towards her. I have really found that at least for me, forgiveness is a gift you give your self.

[Guest TooSoon]

Sometime around a year ago I just decided on blanket forgiveness.  It doesn't mean that my narcissistic brother or my suburban friends somehow have come around to embrace M and me as we are now or that my college roommate and long time best friend can own cutting us out of her life completely when I was at my weakest suddenly gets it.  What it has meant, though, is that I no longer carry that weight around.  Yes, sometimes I have to deal with them but I can do so on my terms.  I said my sorrys for my own "transgressions" while grieving but I forgave/forgive them for not understanding.  I view my relationships with them now as a sort of "detente" (sorry, pretentious perhaps but that's the best way to describe it) and nothing more. 

 

I haven't read every post in this thread so take this or leave it but forgiveness to me is a state of mind more than a big pronouncement or even an arrangement; a letting go.  It has been liberating and empowering but I also falter and get frustrated sometimes, falling back into old patterns of "Why don't they get it?"  "How can she complain about how much work she has when she has a stay at home husband?"  so I also have to remember to forgive myself sometimes. 

 

It's never easy is it? 

[MrsDan]

I don't expect her to get it. I expected her to acknowledge that she had no idea what I was going through and therefore had no business judging me. Plenty of non-widowed people were capable of doing that, so I don't think it was an unreasonable expectation. And let me be clear. It's not just that she wasn't there for me. She laid into me about things she found fault with about me at a time when I was just trying to survive. My husband was so miserable he sought an escape that killed him. How do you think that made his wife feel? I hated myself, I mean pure straight hated myself for what I let happen to Dan, a part of me always will. She really and truly kicked me when I was down. And what that means is that she indirectly kicked DD, because DD needed a mother who believed in herself, who believed she could do this.

 

As far as forgiveness goes, I understand the concept of forgiving someone for your own benefit, not theirs. I used to see it that way. I do not anymore. Now, I see it as something that takes energy that I just don't have. Maybe it's because I have to direct so much towards forgiving Dan, and forgiving myself. I just don't have it for anyone else. Not for this. She is not just asking for forgiveness, she is asking to be a part of our lives. That cannot happen. For one thing, she chose to hurt me terribly rather than support me during some of the hardest times of my grief. She doesn't get to come back into our lives now that I'm managing things more to her liking. Her actions isolated me from my family. The other night my mom was telling my boyfriend things, pretty big things about my family. It was the first time I had heard much of it. I suppose some would argue that I chose to leave, but I can tell you that is not what happened. She pushed me out. And that is a part of my life, my past that I cannot easily step back into.

[Guest TooSoon]

Just to clarify - I was sort of musing more than anything.  Don't get me wrong, I will never let the suburban couple who cut us out back into our lives.  They did things that were and continue to be downright unconscionable in my book.  My point was merely that I've said my sorrys and moved on.  I'm cordial when I must be but that's as far as I am willing to go.  Some things can't be taken back. 

 

[Bunny]

Yes, forgiveness is very freeing, (I've managed it to varying degrees), but it does not require that you then have a relationship with them afterwards. Or, if you do, that it be the same relationship that it was. Post-widowhood, I just don't have the energy or interest in putting up with the things I would have beforehand. I'm much better at boundaries. And that's not such a bad thing. There are people who want to now be back in my life that I simply have no desire to be around anymore and I've stopped feeling bad about that.

[BrokenHeart2]

This is a very interesting and great thread.  I noticed many that posted are around the 3 yr mark +/- 6 months.  Me too.  I have lately in the past 3 or 4 months come around to accepting they really don't get it and I needed the freedom of forgiving their transgressions.  I have also apologized for mine too in the depths of my despair going through this horrid grief (didn't say that to them it would sound like an excuse I just appologized).  I feel like my closed heart has opened a bit, I actually surprised myself when I just blurted that out to my sister without thinking about it and in retrospect that is what is happening.  I had to close my heart because I couldn't take anymore pain than what I was already in.  Doing that also became very isolating.  I'm feeling positive changes happening with me and the same time the pain is so strong but different. 

Bunny nailed exactly how I feel too!

"Yes, forgiveness is very freeing, (I've managed it to varying degrees), but it does not require that you then have a relationship with them afterwards. Or, if you do, that it be the same relationship that it was. Post-widowhood, I just don't have the energy or interest in putting up with the things I would have beforehand. I'm much better at boundaries. And that's not such a bad thing. There are people who want to now be back in my life that I simply have no desire to be around anymore and I've stopped feeling bad about that"

 

This widow journey sure is a mindfuck.

[MrsDan]

And now they are coming out of the woodwork. Got a FB message from a long gone family friend and my brother.

[BrokenHeart2]

Good luck Mrs. Dan!