A repost to commemorate today.... 3 years ago the last time I touched him

[Carey]

I put him on a plane to Saudi 3 years ago today.  I went looking for this post to let myself feel it, because despite everything, somehow it was one of the best days of my life.

 

I?ve yet to type out my whole story on the board (here or ywbb). It?s scattered in bits and pieces but honestly it is quite long. But this morning, I heard this song on Pandora, by Lee Ann Womack called ?The Last Time?, and this verse just hit me so hard:

 

?When you put your arms around my neck

And I barely even kissed you back

But if I'd have known it was the last time

I'da held on a little longer

And let that moment linger

And never let your fingers slip away from mine

If I'da known there'd never be another day

I'da watched you as you walked away

And kept you in my eyes till you were out of sight

If I, If I'da known it was the last time?

 

I was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I couldn?t even finish makeup before I was crying it off.  Because of ALL the many many ?if I had only?, or ?What if??? , all those regrets, I DID have that.  Chad was never a publicly demonstrative person.  He was military to the core and didn?t like PDA.  I can vividly see every detail of February 22, 2013.  He was leaving for Saudi that day. I had tried to get several people to go with me because I knew I would more than likely get upset and driving home alone was not something I wanted to do.  Fate or God or something had a different plan.  No one could go with me, so I went alone. We didn?t take the kids, he?d said his goodbyes to them that morning and they went on to school.  He drove and about halfway there ?I?m Already There? by Lonestar played. I tried to change it because it hurt, but he said to leave it and he grabbed my hand and held it on his leg as he drove.  Tears streamed down both our faces. The odds of that old song coming on at that moment seem so slim now. Then when we got to the airport he told me I was going to have to leave him at the curb.  I didn?t want to, I told him I would just get him checked in and then leave.  We got to the counter and as she was checking him in the attendant overheard us talking about Saudi and asked how long he was going to be gone. When we told her a year, she asked if I would like a gate pass. I was floored. I didn?t think those were even done anymore.  We were hours early because of it being an international flight and those hours are irreplaceable in my memory.  Because for those few hours, he was what I always knew he could be, what I had always wanted.  We ate lunch together. We sat at the gate with our arms around each other and really talked.  And this next part, it still seems like a movie scene ? when they called his flight I walked to the jet way with him and he kissed me.  HARD.  I mean, like almost dipped me. I was bawling by this point and I told him I wasn?t leaving until the flight was in the air; Id be right there at the window.  I was standing there staring at the plane and felt someone behind me and turned around and it was him.  He?d dropped his bags and come back for another kiss and it was SO long and so achingly sweet. It was the Chad I?d been looking for for 18 years? there was not a dry eye at that gate and some even clapped.  He just looked into my eyes and said he didn?t want to leave me but it was all going to be okay.  And when that plane left the ground, something in my heart told me I would never see him physically again.  I couldn?t shake it.  I acted like a widow then.  Took to my bed for days, couldn?t sleep in our bed, I was already grieving but he wouldn?t die until 9 months later.  The night before he left had been horrible. He was drunk. He had not packed a single thing.  The kids were upset. I had to work till after 9 p.m. that night, he showed up at my office drunk. We fought something fierce. I screamed in RAGE that alcohol had yet again robbed me because we went to bed that night back to back.  I feel like those hours at the airport were a gift.  Because if someone had gone with me he would never have opened up like that to me. He would NEVER have kissed me like that. And I more than likely would have still been furious from the night before.  I?m sitting here at work trying to choke back tears writing this; but it?s so bittersweet,  that is ONE regret that thank God I don?t have to have.  I was already thinking about posting this this morning and then Mac?s Last Words thread spurred me on.  God I miss that man.  He made me SO DAMN MISERABLE but I?d give anything for 5 minutes to set some things right 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Amy,

 

I don't know that there is anything I can say, but I just wanted you to know that I read every word you wrote.  I would hug you if I could.

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight, tight hugs, Amy. I'm so glad you got those precious last few hours together. It seems like those moments replaced the need for a lot of words to set things right. You both realized the love you shared was stronger than your struggles.

 

More hugs...

[Carey]

thank you Maureen ... I have to admit, I came here needing a shoulder as it were, and out of 43 views, you were the only one who answered. I know I myself haven't been active on the board at all lately because I have been struggling and just had no words....for myself or anyone else.  But I also wasn't reading. If I read someones post, I reply most of the time even if it's just a virtual hug. There's no just no "in real life" that I know would understand like the people here do. Just knowing my words were read, means so much. 

 

Carol ... lol we must have been posting at the same time ......thank you so much for your reply.

[Trying]

I'm glad you have that sweet memory to visit with and to remind you of the love you shared.  I remember reading it when you posted it before and am still so touched by it. 

 

It's nice to "see" you here again.

[sojourner]

Such a bittersweet memory! A glimpse into what it could be like as a new beginning, and then a tragic end instead. Peace and comfort to you.

[Jen]

So many hugs... I'm so, so sorry. <3