Guest TooSoon Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I've had a hard week. I realized the degree to which I never, ever let anyone know how I'm feeling or what it is really like to live the life I lead. Is this year three? I have never been as lonely and scared s I am right now. Is there a future? I've tried to make one but it isn't happening. My kid struggles still with learning disabilities, I'm still the "the house" and my partner, who I love unconditionally and absolutely, lives in England. I keep trying but it seems I get nowhere. Isn't it time for some sort of respite? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Yes, it is most definitely time for some f***ing respite. Hoping we both get some and soon. In the meantime, cyber hugs and solidarity is all I can offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I wish I had seen this earlier. I would have called. I'm sending you my love and support. I hear you saying you are getting nowhere. That is such a difficult part of this all. Just know that while it feels like you're getting nowhere, it is very impressive what you've managed to do - the life you've kept going and your devotion to M. I know that in pictures on facebook, etc. we can hide our actual feelings behind the masks we've become accustomed to wearing most of the time. But the pictures of M smiling so beautifully and having fun are real. You are making that happen. What sucks so much is having to struggle and expend so much energy just to maintain things. There isn't a payoff feeling of having reached "success" for all our efforts. But I think our definition of "success" needs to be redefined for the alternate world we now live in. We didn't get to lay a foundation or plan ahead for this one. We were just cast into it, like being thrown overboard off a ship. Keeping afloat amidst the unending waves is a major accomplishment. Holding up a child while doing so even more so. Yes, a respite to regroup would be wonderful. It seems like any time we take to do so ends up putting us behind with all our responsibilities. There is no one to fill in for us to give us an actual respite. I wish I could help you more. I have no answers, but I do believe you have started your way on a path to a better, happier, more fulfilling future. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines and hoping it all comes together for you as soon as possible. Love and tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Yes, it is, and I hope it comes very very soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 What a terrible week. Thank you so much for your support and empathy. I really just do not understand how my efforts to forge on, move forward, etc. have landed me in what feels like total exhaustion and frustration. The thing at work really did me in on Wednesday and I'm sick and tired of this long distance relationship. And my house, good god, don't let me get started. I powered through teaching yesterday but I cried so much last night my eyes are practically swollen shut this morning. I'm going to get on the bus and go to a concert in Brooklyn tonight with college friends and to a museum in Manhattan the morning (for work, really) and maybe walk across the bridge and back and try to shake it all off if only for 24 hours and I'm going to try really hard not to feel guilty about how I should really be working instead or be such a wimp about missing and needing andy or wanting validation as badly as I do at my job. Total lack of perspective at the moment. Thank you for understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I'm sorry; I hate that you're feeling this way, especially because I think I have a sense of what you're feeling, because I'm experiencing some of it myself. There is so much about my job that I absolutely hate, so much bullshit I have to wade through. My relationship isn't long distance but it's nascent, so it's not exactly terra firma. I feel trapped in my job, but everything else seems so transitory, so gossamer-like, and that doesn't feel right either. It has been three and a half years since my husband died and I feel like that whole time I've either been struggling not to drown in stormy seas or treading water. Neither are enjoyable or rewarding. When am I going to enjoy swimming again? It's really only been recently that I've begun to open myself up to that possibility, but now that I have, I'm impatient for it to happen. Just trying to say that I hear you, and I validate you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I'm going to get on the bus and go to a concert in Brooklyn tonight with college friends and to a museum in Manhattan the morning (for work, really) and maybe walk across the bridge and back and try to shake it all off if only for 24 hours Yay! Don't know you, but wish I could come with you! Awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I'm sorry; I hate that you're feeling this way, especially because I think I have a sense of what you're feeling, because I'm experiencing some of it myself. There is so much about my job that I absolutely hate, so much bullshit I have to wade through. My relationship isn't long distance but it's nascent, so it's not exactly terra firma. I feel trapped in my job, but everything else seems so transitory, so gossamer-like, and that doesn't feel right either. It has been three and a half years since my husband died and I feel like that whole time I've either been struggling not to drown in stormy seas or treading water. Neither are enjoyable or rewarding. When am I going to enjoy swimming again? It's really only been recently that I've begun to open myself up to that possibility, but now that I have, I'm impatient for it to happen. Just trying to say that I hear you, and I validate you. Thank you for putting it into words for me. Everything you say is spot on. I'm hating myself for being so "oh poor me" when I know full well I am capable of coping with this - this is nothing compared to three years ago, right? - I am still stomping my feet and shouting (inaudibly most of the time which may be part of the problem), "When is it going to be my turn?!" And yes, it all seems so transitory in some ways but also like a life sentence in other ways. Mizpah, you'd be more than welcome to join us. I'm going to go to the Tenement Museum again tomorrow and try to remind myself that I don't have it that bad.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 TS, of course what you went thru 3 years ago was worse than this, so you can handle a lot. You are also 3 full years more exhausted now from all you've been doing since, on top of the exhaustion you had built up from caring for your husband during his illness. I hope you have a great time at the concert and come back more refreshed and guilt-free for taking the needed time for you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Mizpah, you'd be more than welcome to join us. I wish I could! I live deep in the north country now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Sorry....I so get it. I think we all deserve a break and it would be nice for a change for things to fall into place. Life is so exhausting now....you have tons on your plate between work, child and LD relationship so vent away. Enjoy your well deserved evening out- I took 2 of those for myself this week and it worked wonders.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Myself, I just cannot justify a break. I had planned to take a day off in a couple weeks and just spend it doing nothing with BF. But DD and I still have to go to the dentist, and BF has been leaning on me hard to go to the doctor. I need to pick out some new glasses frames and get a plumber in to look at my laundry sink pump that's shooting water all over. DD is due for her yearly hip x ray and I've yet to find a pediatric orthopedist. Meanwhile, other items on my to do list (in addition to my mail) have been piling up, in a lot of cases because I just plain don't feel like doing them. Because, I'm just over it. Over doing all this adulting stuff either without help, or by cashing in favors. I'm just over it! And when I get overwhelmed, it paralyzes me. Like I'll think, I have to go to the dentist. But I have to go to the eye doctor. But I have to go to the dentist. But I have to go to the eye doctor. And then I don't do either (did make it to the eye doctor this week though). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 TS, I hope you have a good break tonight and tomorrow. Always wanted to go to the Tenement Museum, looks interesting. I too validate how you are feeling and would love a bit of respite. Last fall and now these past few weeks have been horrendous (but I don't say that loudly IRL as they could always get much much worse). You all took the words right out of my mouth. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Thank you so much everyone. I'm not sure that I'm over it and it is certainly not over yet but getting away and communing with my college roommates at least helped put it into perspective in the grand scheme of things and at the very least I'm no longer feeling angry, which for me is the worst of all sensations. The Tenement Museum is such a gem; it, too, helps with the putting things into perspective part.... Come down, CG and we will go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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