Widow status and online dating..

[Helena]

I?m 7 months out and on friday I?m meeting a guy I meet on the internet. Maybe it?s too early, I don?t know. He knows I have my children full time but he doesn?t know why and that?s why I?m so nervous. Is it good to bring up the subject without him asking or is it best to wait and see. I think he assumes that I?m separated or divorced and my husband was an asshole who couldn?t take care of his children, that sort of thing.

 

Help me, what to do? And maybe he thinks "what are she doing dating this early on?" I want to date, I really do, but this widowthing is a real stigma -or is it?

 

[Momtojandj]

My two cents .. If you feel comfortable don't let the time since your hubby died affect when you are ready to date . Some people are ready sooner and some later . I usually bring it up when they ask how long have you been divorced , or when the topic is brought up .. I'll ask guy how long have you been divorced , how long married that type of thing. That always prompts them to ask me .. Then I tell them .

[Justin]

If you feel comfortable don't let the time since your hubby died affect when you are ready to date . Some people are ready sooner and some later .

 

 

I couldn't agree more. At five months out, I was on a plane flying across the country to meet (for the first time) the wonderful lady that is now my wife - and, I already knew that I was in love. There are so many variables that the timelines for when we are ready differ greatly among us.

 

 

Listen to your heart, and be true to yourself. You will handle things just fine :-)

[Helena]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I don?t have a problem telling him but I?m worried about his reaction to this. Maybe he?ll walk away or does a decent man do that? I don?t want to replace my LH och have a new father to my children. I just want a good man in my life and another adult that my children can relate to.

 

He also has his children full time (almost) so I guess there is a story behind that too. Everyone has a past and that you have to accept if you want to engage with someone.

[Portside]

It's not necessarily too early if you feel okay about it. Us guys don't care when your last relationship was. From my experience, women seem to attach a larger importance to that fact.

 

As far as letting someone know what brought you to a dating site, it will come up during the date. I'd let him know. As for the supposed stigma, from a man's point of view, that all depends on how you handle it.

 

If you are teary and broken up when talking to your date about it, he'll most likely be freaked out, instantly decide you aren't ready and want to bolt at the first opportunity. On the other hand, if you are able to say something along the lines of "My husband died awhile back and while it was hard at first, me and the kids are doing fine. He was quite a guy." and leave it at that, in most cases it will be no issue.

 

I dated every status of woman you could imagine: long-time widows, new ones, women that had never been married, ladies that had broken up with their guy last week, married women (didn't know that going in), and everything in between. Except for the married/separated girls, I didn't care. Us men are very simple creatures and will try to place you into one of two categories; crazy lady/non-crazy. If you are placed into the non-crazy group, other status, or how long you've been in that status, don't matter much.

 

 

Just relax, enjoy yourself and have fun.

 

Good luck, Mike

[Captains wife]

On the dating site I am on, there is a widow/widower option so men can see this. In my many years of dating (sigh), some men care about the widow status/single parent status, others don't mind. I wouldn't worry about the time to dating, as long as you feel you are ready. I don't tend to bring up my widow status unless they ask FYI. One thing I did when I was on another site that didn't have a widow option as my status on my profile - and I still do this before meeting in person - is to call screen with any potential dates. You can get a good sense of someone on the phone, can save some time screening out dates, plus its a way to discuss your widow status up front. I found out quickly the "good" guys who just wanted to get to know me and were ok with my widow/single parent status and the "bad" guys who didn't want to deal for their own reasons. Relax and enjoy your date - keep us posted : )

[MrsDan]

I posed this question myself before going on my first post-widow date. It actually didn't come up; I broached the subject on the second date. After that I made a point of telling right away, either on the first date or while we were still messaging. At first I was worried about scaring off someone who, if he got to know me would realize I was worth any hang ups he had about it. But then I just didn't want to deal with the anxiety of it or play games. I told my boyfriend on our first date. He told me he was honored I would share something so personal with him. And I think it really was a kind of foreshadowing of how understanding and supportive he would turn out to be.

 

In terms of the length of time, I don't think the un-widowed are as hung up on it as we might think. Actually the only guy I dated who asked how long it had been is my current boyfriend. He was the only one who considered it relevant I guess. And it isn't as relevant as one might think, in my opinion, but there isn't really any reason why an un-widowed person would know that. So it kind of struck me as odd that it didn't come up, although most of the dates didn't get very far. I don't know what my boyfriend would have thought if my answer had been vastly different (I started just before the 3 year mark). I could ask him, that's how comfortable I feel discussing my widowhood with him, but it probably wouldn't help much because everyone was different.

[arneal]

Appreciate this thread. I see that someone mentioned the option for widowed, which I've used (just putting up a couple of profiles to test the waters) but haven't said anything about how long. I did mention in the 'about you' on one site that I'd been widowed twice, but like I said, just testing the waters.

 

On that note, this is my first time checking out online dating sites. For those of you who have done or are doing it, how quickly did you jump into a paid account? I'm not sure I want to go there yet, but if it's a good thing to do, I'm willing to try it.  :-\

[Momtojandj]

Arneal.... I have tried paid accounts and free . Around here , I see a lot of the same people on all sites. Honestly I have better luck on free sites, and I don't know why . I will say I think the quality is much better on the paid sites. Plenty of fish has an option to upgrade and pay , not worth it.

What I would do, is get your feet wet.. Start with free , see what you think , you can delete if not for you . Good luck !

[Portside]

Arneal, I had better luck with paid sites. Also, if you are a woman of faith, I suggest you may want to check out a faith-based site. Sites that concentrate on some basics in your life will have gentlemen that you are more likely to click with.

 

Good luck! Mike

[Guest TalksToAngels]

No longer on the sites but I did not like posting the widowed status, for a number of reasons.

Also would suggest don't just rely on online dating.

At least not exclusively. Best wishes.

[Guest nonesuch]

I did both paid and free. 

 

I don't have a lot of extra money, so I didn't stay long on the paid sites.  I suspect a lot of people skip over profiles if the photos look familiar, so if I were to do that again, I'd sign up for a short period, then take a break from that particular site when the time for renewal came up.  I'd also advise changing up your pictures often.

 

I got a lot of dates from the Craig's List personals.  It sounds scary, but really, not much different form the other often used dating sites. POF, OKCupid, SeniorPeopleMeet, OurTime: none of them vet their users so you can run into a kook there, too.  The advantage to the dating sites is the messaging feature, so you can communicate with someone via email before you meet, and that person never gets your real email.  That's  safer for everybody.

 

If anyone found my widowhood a stigma, he didn't mention it.  I don't remember when I first signed up on a dating site, maybe five months or six, but my first date was 8 months after LH's death.