I can't do it....

[squidley1992]

So i had a friend I met on a grief group on facebook tell me to join this group and I want to give it a shot. My name is Sydney and I'm 23 years old and I have a 4 year old daughter named Kaycee. I've gone through a lot of loss, i was adopted by my grandparents an I had my grandpa pass away in 2004 and my grandma in 2014. I also had a brother commit suicide in 2010. not to mention friends pass away....so I've dealt with loss a lot. But this is hitting me very deep.

 

On February 24th 2016 I got off work and came home, I had an awful feeling all day. Well at 10:20pm Camron (the love of my life and daughter's father) his grandma called me. Camron was hit by a truck and went into a coma instantly. his heart stopped in the ambulance but they brought him back. Even if he would have made it, he had no brain activity and I didn't think it'd be fair to leave him like that. The thing is we weren't married, but one day we were going to be married. We just assumed with him being 22 and me being 23 we would have more time. The past month or so we had issues because his mom wasn't helping him get clean, i would have him in a good spot and she would just ruin it, to make him closer to her. The last message me sent me he told me if something happened to him he wanted me to know that he was sorry and that he loved me and kaycee more than anything. And the day before he called me and we were going to spend the night together just the 3 of us, and obviously now that isn't going to happen.

 

He had officially passed away on the 26th. Today, well technically yesterday, he was finally cremated because it was one thing after the next. I was having nightmares every night because I wanted his body to be at rest. On thursday or friday I can pick up the ashes, his mom refused to let me or his daughter have any, his dad on the other hand was nice about it. My daughter has a keepsake box engraved and I got a necklace that looks like a key and it says "you hold the key to my heart." his ceremony isnt until april 9th. Its really being dragged out.

 

A few months ago, I had just let the guilt go from moving on and living from losing my grandma, and now I'm back to where I was but worse. We had our issues but I loved him so much and things would have been different if we were given different circumstances when we were younger. He was and always will the the love of my life, and its going to be such a long life without him. & our daughter is starting to understand that he isn't coming back, I told her that hes in heaven taking care of her cat that passed away with my grandparents and her uncle. I'm feeling so upset because now all of her friends want to bring up her dad. One of her friends said "Kaycee, your Daddy is dead." and her parents told her to be quiet but my daughter still heard it, like what are you saying in front of your kid knowing she sees kaycee all the time? That was just mean and it made me so angry. Like I know this is the beginning of a long journey for my daughter and I and i am just not prepared.

 

Initially my family, like my mom at first didn't count my feelings at all. I went to the hospital both nights he was still breathing, to say what I wanted and to hold his hand. Finally after my mom said "I just figured out that even if you didnt have kaycee you would be sad about this." Um yeah, duh. I haven't had a bunch of boyfriends, he's the only one I ever had a real relationship with, and he brought out a side of me I know will never come out again. It died with him. I'm feeling so empty right now. I just want him to come and say stop telling people i died and give me a hug. even one of his annoying hugs where I couldn't breathe. id give anything for anything back.

 

and i am trying to block it out of my head. act like hes still alive and just ignoring me. i find myself texting him over and over again. but like the first time i went to work i started bawling my eyes out. i literally cannot handle it right now. some people cussed me out saying i have to move on i cant change it and it just wow, made me so angry. his mom has also made things more stressful, she didnt tell the mortuary he had a daughter. shes also upset i am helping with the ceremony and that we are getting any ashes. she tried to take them all but his Dad said that we could have some of his half. She called me to tell me that I'm selfish and she's done everything possible to make me feel like crap. I've lost people but this hurts so much more because apart of me is gone. & I know that I have our daughter, a piece of him but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still super hurt. In so many ways. Anyways, I've probably written enough. Thank you for reading, I hope this website can help me out.

[Mrskro]

I'm so terribly sorry for all you have been through.  You've come to the right place. 

 

Hugs

[Justin]

Squidley, I am so sorry for your loss but am glad that you found out about us. There are many good people here from a wide range of life experiences, and I am sure that some with similar experiences will post and give you the benefit of their perspective.

 

 

In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself as well. You CAN do this: I have seen incredible resilience and strength in our community, and you are part of it now.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

Justin

[Jen]

Oh, sweetie... hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry you had to join us, but glad you found us. Right now, just focus on breathing and  drinking water and taking care of your precious little girl. We're here to listen. We get it. (((((((HUGS)))))))

[squidley1992]

Thank you, all 3 of you. I'm really glad she told me about this website also. I really like going through and reading some of the stuff. I can't express how thankful I am for you guys welcoming me.

[SoVerySad]

Squidley, I am so sorry for the loss of your love. I was also raised by my grandparents, so they were my parents in every sense of the word. I adored and loved them so much. They both also died and losing them was really hard. Those losses weren't nearly as hard as the loss of my husband, though, so I really understand when you say this loss is like none of your other losses (which have been so many at your young age).

 

It is upsetting to read that his mom is making things even more difficult for you. I'm sorry for the extra hurt she is adding. Of course, having your daughter is a blessing. She is so beautiful, BTW. She will be your reason to keep going on, but others won't understand that she can't take the place of your Camron. He held his own place in your heart and life. You deserve the time to grieve his loss and for each person that time is different. Try not to let others' ideas of how you should be feeling or moving on affect you. They can't understand as they weren't and aren't living your life.

 

I'm glad you found this forum, although it always saddens me to know another has had a reason to join us. It really has been a lifeline for me. I hope you will find comfort here as well. For now, just take things a day or even an hour if needed at a time. Hold onto that beautiful little girl and try to take care of yourself. You can do this. I didn't think I could at first either, but I did. We'll be here to help you.

 

Sending you a tight hug... 

[mo12]

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your love.  I also lost my husband before he was technically my husband, we were engaged to be married and have a daughter, who was 2 months old when he died.  I had just picked out my wedding dress the day before he died (Feb 23rd, 2014.)  Ugh.

I remember the awful feeling that my whole world, past present and future, had just been pulled out from under me like a rug.  The "falling" part felt like forever at the time but it did eventually pass.  Then there is a lot of up and down.  You will get through this- but in the meantime it sucks and is totally unfair and makes no sense. 

Two years later and my daughter and I are doing well- I remember thinking I would never EVER feel better but eventually the grief gets lighter.  I hope reading everyone's stories here is helpful- you are not alone in this.  ps- what a sweet picture

[Mizpah]

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you and your sweet little girl.  You've had way too much loss and suffering for such a young woman.  It sounds like difficult circumstances have been your life for some time now.  I hope that this is the last tragedy you will have to mourn, and that you have some relief from the stuff going on around you so you can grieve in peace.  As much as you can, avoid the things and people that increase your upset.  I'm thinking of you.