I think I've triggered myself

[Carey]

Little background here.  My husband was a jet engine mechanic on an Air Force base as a contractor for 17 years. The same group of guys stayed together for all that time. They were very close knit.  They all got laid off in 2012.  Of the 13 or so of them, FOUR have died since losing that job.  Two alcohol related, one depression related suicide and I don't remember the other one.  But losing that job was the catalyst that set in motion MANY horrible things.  Anyway, on March 12th Chad's closest friend Rick died of liver cirrhosis.  He'd been depressed and lost his identity. He went from a jet engine specialist to a walmart greeter.  Alcohol killed him just as it killed my Chad, albeit in a different manner.  He was divorced, no close family here, no church family.  His exwife had moved in with him when he got so sick to help him and they shared bills because they were both struggling financially.  Anyway when he died, I reached out to her by text, remembering i didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone that soon. I offered help, etc. I called the guy that had been their supervisor. Turns out he was trying to help pull together enough money to even have him cremated.  They had no life insurance.  Her son just turned 20 ... there will be no social security help.  I told him Id start a gofundme page.  I never heard from her and in a way, I felt a little relieved because the whole thing was already stirring up triggers.  Then yesterday she called. and needs help with the service. It's going to be a military one like we had for Chad, and it's all going to be graveside so she won't have to pay a funeral home.  I find myself committed to making a flower arrangement for the memorial table,  coordinating the color guard, picking up the flag ... etc.  Because she was lost.  And now ... today is the 8th anniversary of the day my daddy died, and I can think of nothing else but military funerals.  I'll have to go next Thursday and set it all up.  Stay for it. Stay after to help her and I'm just not sure now that I've committed myself how I will be able to handle it.  I couldn't NOT offer to help and there was no way I was going to say no to anything that poor woman needs.  She was very brave to even know what to ask for help with.  So now I'm scared on how I'm going to handle that......it will be like reliving Chad's    Any suggestions for keeping what little sanity I have left?

[serpico]

Try to keep a positive frame of mind despite the circumstances and potential triggers.  Granted, I don't know you, but I think you'll find that you'll get through things very well BECAUSE you've been through it before.  I think expectations play a big part in how we conduct ourselves, and if you go in expecting to become a puddling mess it's likely to happen.  That won't be helpful to the new widow OR to you, so go in with a good mindset and do this work because it has to be done.  You did the right thing by accepting the duties and you'll be glad you did it.  Good luck!

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm sorry to hear about another loss and I agree with serpico. 

 

One of our neighbors died 10 months after my husband and the celebration of life was held in the same room where I held Scott's.  I wanted to go, and did, but of course with some trepidation.  While of course we were all deeply sad, in the end I found it surprisingly comforting and peaceful to be back in that space, among friends, celebrating the life of another wonderful man we lost too soon and comforting one another.  It took me by surprise. 

 

Be kind to yourself.

[Max2507]

Because you have certain tasks to accomplish it will give you something to focus on. It will be hard to be involved with after all you have been through. But wonderful for her to have someone complete some tasks when you know what an overwhelming situation it is for the family. I think you will be glad you did it.

[Trying]

It is very kind of you to help this woman despite how triggering it may be for you.  I agree that you will be focused on the tasks you have taken charge of and you will get through it because you know you are helping her.  I think afterward you may feel the emotions more so it might be nice if you can set up some support for yourself for that evening, someone to be there for you in case you need a shoulder or even just a distraction. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Carey. Like others have said before me. You can do this for her. Yes it will be hard as hell but you've been through worse and survived. You are widow strong now. You've got this. Maybe as others have said , you'll have a meltdown after, that's ok too.  Giant hugs and best of luck to get through this.

[SoVerySad]

Adding my belief in your ability to do this. I hope the triggered emotions can be offset by you focusing on the kindness you are showing in helping with the service. I'm sure it means a lot to her. If you need some encouragement to get you thru, you can pm me, okay?

 

Sending love and tight hugs...

[Torn]

Carey,

  I only want to say 1 simple thing, your a great person to help while grieving yourself.

  Such a great support to your friend, very sweet & thoughtful.

[MrsDan]

Maybe it would help to focus on the solidarity between you and this woman that exists because you both lost men you loved to this horrible disease. There are things that no one there but the two of you will understand. I'd be careful of downplaying the possible effects. I did that a few weeks ago when facing something triggering and it completely blindsided me. A better approach, in my opinion is to channel your energy into helping her walk the path that she has walked and make plans for your recovery after. Whether that's spending time with a  friend, or collapsing into bed, or whatever.

[Guaruj]

I very much agree with this:

 

A better approach, in my opinion is to channel your energy into helping her walk the path that she has walked and make plans for your recovery after. Whether that's spending time with a  friend, or collapsing into bed, or whatever.

 

I don't (yet) have the experience of helping someone through their first days of widowhood. But I recall one case of helping someone get through something that terrified us both. Years ago, I was skiing in Utah with some friends. We all came from New England, where the mountains are much smaller. Ski slopes can be surprisingly steep, but this one in Utah was much steeper and longer than anything I'd been on before. It was terrifying - it looked like you could tumble downhill for half a mile with no hope of stopping.

 

One of my friends was stuck just below the top. There was no going uphill, only downhill. What my friend needed to do was turn around and ski across the face of the hill, but he didn't have the confidence to make the turn. I talked to him and demonstrated how to do it. As I did that, I actually became more comfortable with the situation.

 

I have had the same experience before and since, but this one was by far the most dramatic. You can get through a challenge with more confidence if you're ready to show someone else how to do it.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|