Holiday dismay inlaw related aditional grief. Opinions??

[Torn]

In an attempt to understand myself during these times.

 

Ok...hmmmm

  Well every holiday,I'm left to feel alienated by my daughter & my in-laws, its such a cold feeling,that I can't understand/describe very well,but for myself & maybe a few others who find themselves in these shoes,I'd like help grasping the unseen,if it's evident in my post but I'm simply to close to the trees.

 

Well, my wife's mom, honestly NEVER had much to do with our daughter,admittedly she's a cold hearted lady who wasn't born with the nurturing bone that most mothers I've know have.

    After my wife passed, she quickly took the role of holiday coordinator where my daughter and soninlaw are considered.

    Simultaneously she left me to feel unwelcome,so she divided my daughter during the holiday.

 

  This leaves me alone during every holiday season, I despise this woman for many things but this is the current dilemma.

 

  I've been trying to understand this,on some level,while trying to understand she lost my wife her daughter aswell.

    I also realize my daughter is simply filling the void of loosing her mother,while also being opportunist and accepting any financial support she can from this grandma.

 

  How am I to "take this"?

    This causes me to feel despise for both of them,I hate that they're so nonchalant about leaving me out.

 

  Well this feeling is turmoil for me each holiday,it tends to amplify my anger,not my emotions...

 

I'm really to the point that hell these things cause me EXTRA dismay during every holiday.

 

Easter for instance never was huge with my wife and I aside from the Easter bunny stuff for my daughter and honestly I miss just that facet of the  holiday , much less the honest fact I miss my Wife in every way I could.....

  To be separated from daughter by my wife's mother seems unnatural to say the least,it builds anger in me for them both.

    Obviously this isn't what  families do,and I guess I'm seeing that I'm not family anymore.

 

  What's happening,is what happens during divorce not death.

    I dunno I hate this lil EXTRA loss I feel during each holiday & I :

WANT OUT!!!

 

  I want away to not feel this way any longer , I want to learn to live without my wife and remember our good times.

    Maybe others experience this exact thing during their loss & I've simply not read a story similar to mine.

      Anyway it's disheartening & builds anger in me,which is unproductive.

  Thoughts, opinions??...ToRn

[SoVerySad]

Torn, I've been thinking about your post all day trying to think what to write in response. First, sending you a tight hug. If we were closer, I would have been happy to invite you for dinner with my family. I'm sure the situation with your family is very hurtful.

 

This is just my suggestion. I think you need to do what is best for you right now. You are still grieving too much over the loss of your wife to be expending precious energy you don't have on all the negativity. Although my situation wasn't nearly as toxic as yours, I had some great disappointments with lack of support from my family. In the end, I realized I couldn't change them. I could only change my expectations and how I allowed my hurt and disappointment to affect me.

 

I know you are in a complicated situation. Some questions you may want to think about: Are you dependent upon your daughter and SIL living with you for physical or financial support? If not, can you meet with them and set some ground rules for continuing to live with you? Can you let them know that their actions are upsetting and disrespectful and you don't intend to continue your current living situation as it is?

 

If you are dependent on them for physical or financial support, is there another way available to meet those needs, so you could be okay without them living with you and causing you the stress it seems to cause you? Can you check for community resources that may fill in what you are getting from them?

 

Can you make a pros/cons list and try to figure out if their continuing living with you is best for you? If you think it is, can you try to talk to them  about how you are feeling and try to clear the air to allow for less stress? If you think it isn't, can you ask them to leave? Would you want to? Do you think their leaving would benefit your relationship in the long run?

 

I realize how hard it is to think clearly when you are grieving. I believe that you need to do your best to make some kind of change so that you aren't having ongoing additional misery added into your life, but only you can decide what the change needs to be. Change is scary, even when it is for the best. I'm not suggesting any change would be easy, but I think it is in your best interest to start moving your life in a direction that will lead you to more peace.

 

Sending more hugs...

[Torn]

Thanks for your help...

 

It's a terrible spot to be in,my daughter & I love her

but because of constant turmoil it makes our relationship non-productive.

 

  I suppose if her husband & her lived separate from me, I wouldn't know they went to my mother-in-law house.

      It's very odd feeling as if I divorced my wife,I didn't and would be with her now,so I can't understand the mother-in-law motivation to leave me out,I'd invite someone & imagine they wouldn't come,but to not invite well that's crude.

 

  My mother-in-law was always very rude to my wife and was never anything shy of rude and judgmental.     

  I calmed her and explain to her "even though she's a bitch,she's still your mother" for 20 years,I kept my wife in contact with this monster of a woman.

 

At the same time I think Why am I defending myself? She's not a relative anymore I guess, my wife died & I guess I have no tie to there family?

  Odd transition for me,it seems VERY natural to everyone else.

 

  I'm sick of this & have been waiting for my kid to move on,to naturally move on.

  She's mentioned it a few times normally in hate, but it seems they may soon & I feel odd about that,but I know in my heart its what's best for us all.

    Very tough spot, I don't read others making these transitions as groughly as I seem to, maybe no one mentions it.

 

Being left out definitely breeds hate for me it makes me feel ALONE & I am alone but when I see my daughter goto Easter,Christmas....etc elsewhere it's painful and hammers in the fact.

 

Also I feel I'm not doing good coping with my loss,partly because I'm still being depended on for a house....

  It's like watching through the window of a jail cell....your alone and can see everyone else enjoying life.

  Well I hate this my wife would kick their butts for this,its cruel and obvious,I've no choice but to take it personally.

Yes...I'm taking it personally & I'm upset crying because of missing my wife....its pure torment and I'll be glad when things let up.

  This soninlaw is going to truck drivers school for 1 month when he's done, we must all discuss housing arangments.

 

  I really am sad that my soninlaw doesn't like me on whatever 'level', but it's simply va fact.

 

  I've done this already at 18 years old...

My momma died when I was 18 and my dad kicked me out if the house,so I lost my Mom & my Dad (he found a woman), years later my father and I reunited until his death.

   

Well I feel I lost my wife and am loosing my daughter aswell,very unfair situation.

 

  Sad & mad.....it's tough,anyone else experience similar??

    I can't compete with my Mother-in-law for the financial gifts & money she gives these kids, so I feel insignificant to my daughter,its awful.

    I hope I'm explaining this well.

 

Sorry for the typos, I'm on mobile, thanks -------ToRn--------

[SoVerySad]

I do understand that you are taking it personally, which is completely understandable because it is personal to you. I imagine that being deliberately excluded magnifies the loneliness you feel for your wife. I'm really hoping you can work something out where you don't have such ongoing turmoil on top of your grief, because the grief is hard enough.

 

More hugs...

 

 

[Portside]

    I can't compete with my Mother-in-law for the financial gifts & money she gives these kids, so I feel insignificant to my daughter,its awful.

 

While this seems important, it really isn't in the grand scheme of things although I understand it hurts like hell.

 

There will come a time when your D sees her grandmother for what she truly is and, similarly, will grasp what you have been through and how you have been treated.

 

Karma is a bitch and even though it may take awhile to come around, it always does.

 

Best wishes - Mike 

[Torn]

Well ya know in every day life,when someone owes you money or has wronged you in some way and they know they have? Then they avoid you at all cost?

  That's what's happening here.

 

See in my mind I see a healthy family discussing 'how fun' Easter/ visiting with grandma ....etc,that seems healthy to me.

 

However I also know my kid baked cookies & cupcake & made lil 'snack bags' for Easter, took them to grandma's and took paw paw some seperatly, so I've gotta say WHY IS SHE LEAVING ME OUT?

  I can't understand .

 

 

Ok..

  I've definitely discussed how being left out made me feel and I've also mentioned how aweful I was made to feel when I got mistreated during the past holiday season....

 

I tried to get her to discuss things & told her I feel constant tension between her and I,then I asked "don't you feel seperated from me?",like we don't talk/ communicate on any level?these days.....

She avoids this,she knows its not right and avoids the topic by saying "no I don't feel that way"all the time it's evident she is acting the same as she did as a lil kid,I raised her,her lies don't work on me,its obvious in her demeanor...

   

  Yet they goto grandma's house & discuss absolutely nothing with me, not a "she likes the cookies",look what the baby got.....etc, you guys know if you have kids these things are/where common, WHERE is the key word..

 

I guess on some level I'm worried about nothing, but I am agrivated,because I'm loosing touch with my daughter because of her cruelty in the past holiday..

  Ill honestly never forget what she said/ did, no never. That day was my first to see how cold she could be...

 

  So I'm left to guess, I gotta beg to hear about the holiday?

Everything seems as if I have to strive to be included on any level,well....I think that's unfair and cruel, so I don't inquire at all.

   

I hope this makes sence, its hard to explain,its like I'm getting the cold shoulder from my daughter,basically& I don't have it in me to beg for forgiveness/to figure out what/why....I dont get it.

 

Yes I can support myself, it'll be tight but I can do it.

  The biggest thing would be lawn care,aside from that I'm not dependent on them in any way,aside from assuming they are RELATIVES not disgruntled roommate's.

.

    I betcha lots of Widow/Widowers go threw this with older children...

I bet its not commonly discussed,because it's embarrassing, really it embarrassing.

Thanks for your help SoSad & Portside, its good to know im not loosing my mind.....ToRn

 

[Trying]

My heart breaks for you over this situation with your daughter. It sounds like it's time for them move out.

[BrokenHeart2]

Must agree with T. It's overdue for then to move out and support themselves. The party is over for them. Time to grow up.  Best of luck to you Torn.

 

[Torn]

YES, it really is time for them to go.

  Sadly so, I gotta figure out ways to enjoy 'home' again, I miss my Wife in to many ways to have the HOLIDAY AMPLIFIED while these couple relatives try to pretend my wife didn't die beside me.

Not seperate but 100% in love with me,she died in her sleep we had no hard feelings,she loved me,I loved her she died .

That's the simple truth and fact...

 

If at this time it pacifies these people to pretend "everything's ok" well fuck em, its not ok it'll never be ok for me ,I'll always miss her.

  It really seems like this is an attempt in grief navigation for them .

  My mother-in-law told me verbatim:

It's hard to see you,without feeling crushed by not seeing my daughter.

 

Well I feel the same everytime I see MIL, I instantly think of my wife,obviously she looks identical and I've known her mother for half my life aswell.

  These are things we adjust to after loosing loved ones.

 

 

But to me:

We all must realize that in missing her that each of us played a part in her life and each of us held a special place in her heart.

IMHO

Each of us should respect this fact and either treat one another as part of her life and who made her who we loved.

 

Anything short of this is unacceptable to me.

 

 

I want to mention I've seen this behavior before during death of family members.

    Many people attempt to pretend everything's ok,in doing so it becomes easier if you exclude certain people that the loved one was around this helps remove the triggers of sadness early on.

    Well I learned this by loosing my own momma, my sister & brother and I all separated and ya know seeing them now is honestly nothing love/attachment wise just another human....kinda sad,but it was our choice and here we are.

 

I think it's important to try to keep this from happening with my daughter,however I feel at the mercy of my mother-in-law,honestly my daughter is simply filling a void where her mom would have been,she's younger and doing her best I guess.

 

This mother-in-law I'm afraid may need to be set straight,my daughter should experience a natural void that shouldn't be temporarily filled by the MIL,in doing so my daughter doesn't process loss naturally.

  Make sense?

 

This is a case of a 67 year old who never lost a relative until my wife/her daughter,she's been lucky in that regard.

 

Ok thanks for allowing me to vent and voice my thoughts,this is hard and I'm struggling with my loss.

I'm coming up on 2 years (20months) thanks for you guys support.

 

Please if my comments seem out if line,or unrealistic,please tell me, I'm looking for help and need you guys to reply it helps greatly.~ToRn

[Lisa]

I'm so sorry. Sad and infuriating. I would suggest talking it out with a counselor. It is so complicated.

[Torn]

I'm currently mad in my situation, but do want to say.

  These kids are now leaving and once again I feel Im alone.

  I do realize the damage they've done to my healing process,and all I can do is strive on, to find "The Real ToRn".

  My daughter feels the separation aswell as she told me in tears,lots of tears.

  But I did what DADDY'S do & was supportive to her,to let her know that

" Our Story " as Father and Daughter shouldn't have this sadness",as early in either of our lives.

  She feels she's loosing me forever, well I feel the same.

    If I'm honest with myself I feel much like my wife is Dieing all over again as my family is torn down to only myself.

  This has always been my experience with death, my mom passed and our family all went separate directions.

  It hurts me a lot right now.

 

BUT

  This has been needing to happen after the first month my wife passed, so that I could rebuild my life,not WAIT UNTIL these kids where 'ready'.

  But again,I'll say "That's what Daddy's do" they suffer more than most because they are dedicated,I've endured a ton of things since deciding to Father my daughter,when she was 2 and I knew the life she'd have if there was no positive male,or a stable home life to lead an example for her future.

 

SOOO

Here we go, lil by lil I'll change things to my my Family home,my home again & I am worried only because this is new to me,well it shouldn't be but it is.

  I'll do this step by step, like I've told others that lost their spouses:

  Your wife/husband loved you enough to definitely want you to find love and enjoy life again.

  Time moves on..... ~ToRn

[SoVerySad]

I imagine adjusting to them being gone is hard for both you and your daughter. I really do think in the long run it will be best for your continued relationship, though. The resentment seemed to really be building to a place that might have broken your relationship forever.

 

I can see how it might feel as if you are starting all over again with your grieving for your wife. Hopefully having a less tense situation at home will allow you the time to more peacefully work your way forward from your wife's death. We know it isn't easy, so we'll be here to help support you.

 

Sending a tight hug...

[Torn]

Definitely, things where getting explosive here.

  But I, want good for my kid..

 

At this point us anxiety-ville, but I'm fortunate to have met a sweet friend that has been a huge blessing in my life.

She's a Godsend to me & can relate in many ways.

Thank you all for the encouragement & support

 

 

[Trying]

I hope this separation allows you and your daughter to heal your relationship, you are obviously a very loving Dad.  Be patient with yourself as you make this adjustment, I agree that it will good in the long run but I'm sure it will difficult some days.  We are here to support you!

[Jen]

Hugs, Torn. I hope things are looking up for you.