Kids , questions and NG.

[imissdow]

So last night I went out on date #6 with NG. It's only taken almost 3 months to get there but whatever. Between his schedule and mine and the fact that we live a hour apart has made things more challenging. I have 2 older teens and a 10yo all girls. So as I'm getting ready to go out the 10yo walks in my room and asks me if I think NG will like my undergarments? I reply that NG isn't going to see them I am not taking my clothes off for anyone.  Then she proceeded to ask me what if you hav sex? I replied that it was not going to happen. She asks yet more questions and I finally said NG is not coming to the house, no one is removing any clothes. End of discussion. Meanwhile I'm racking my brain to figure out why she knows so much and why she would think I would be bringing a guy home with me. I never have before and really have no intention of doing so now. I come home from my date to find her sleeping in my bed under the guise of not being able to fall asleep in her own room. 

So today we have yet another decision about the fact that I'm not bringing anyone home and will not be doing so.  Interestingly enough NG has not even tried to kiss me yet although he finally did come out and tell me I was his girlfriend.  So I know this will come up yet again. So any ideas of how to handle her? I have no intention of ever having a guy spend the night at my house. I have already talked to NG about this, he has a 20 yo daughter who has been married for a year and is pregnant with baby #3 so he understands my concerns well and totally agrees with me. Neither NG or I am in a rush to do much of anything at this point so I really don't see this being a issue for quite a while.  He is not a highly aggressive guy and has been careful to make sure I know he is not interested in just that part of a relationship. The fact that he hasn't made a move to do anything other then give me a hug goodbye makes this rather clear.  Yesterday after our date and another goodbye hug I finally asked him if he was even interested in me that way. He assured me he is. I have made several comments to him about overly aggressive guys and how much they bother me so he could have come to the conclusion that if he wanted something with me he had better be slow and carefull about the whole process.

So what to do about the 10yo? She knows I'm dating, has asked several times when she can meet him?  Knows few little things about him. I have not introduced any of them to him, he has seen pictures of all of them and will probably meet them in the next few months. I am kind of wondering if any of this has to do with her asking for a new dad. If she figures that if he spends the night then we will get married and she will get a new dad. She did ask me a year or so ago if I had kissed anyone. I asked her why that was a consern and she said then she would have a new daddy. At that point I said there's a lot more in getting a new daddy then just kissing. Any ideas?

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow IMD

That's heavy!  I have no advise because I don't have  a 10 yrs old wanting this. Please follow your heart. You are Mom! Opps I guess that's advise

Hugs

[Trying]

hmmm...that's an interesting line of questioning from a 10 year old.  I have all boys and a 6 year gap between #2 and #3 so I know youngest is exposed to more because of the older 2.  I would keep communication open with her since she is talking.  It could be a combination of some confusion/curiosity about sex in general mixed with her feelings of wanting a Dad figure.  Sometimes we need cues from them to talk about sex and relationships because we assume they are too young to be thinking these things. 

 

Good luck! 

[daysofelijah]

That's surprising from a 10 year old, but maybe since she has older sisters she's been exposed to more than someone without. My two oldest (13 & 11) are boys, so they haven't really questioned a lot. We've had a talk about what if I do marry NG and generally what might happen, but nothing serious as far as sex, etc. I'd think maybe your daughter feels some conflict over wanting a new "dad" figure in her life and being loyal to her dad. I know my kids did/do.

 

NG never spends the night (dating 10 months now), but sometimes we take advantage of the time after the kids are asleep. I would guess my boys suspect more than I would think, if that makes sense. They've had the 5th grade sex talk class in school already, lol. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm stuck sometimes between being mom and being a girlfriend. It's definitely strange. I feel like its ok for me to have a "grown up" private part of my life that I don't need to feel bad about, as long as my kids needs are not neglected. Balancing the two roles is tough.

 

NG met my kids on day 1, so I don't have advice on the introducing. I think just being honest with her and answering her questions the way you did is great. Keeping her informed on things (as much as she would need to be at 10), letting her know its ok to ask questions or share concerns, and introducing them at the right time for you all is a great plan.

 

[Portside]

 

So what to do about the 10yo? She knows I'm dating, has asked several times when she can meet him?  . . . . . . . I am kind of wondering if any of this has to do with her asking for a new dad. If she figures that if he spends the night then we will get married and she will get a new dad. She did ask me a year or so ago if I had kissed anyone. I asked her why that was a consern and she said then she would have a new daddy. At that point I said there's a lot more in getting a new daddy then just kissing. Any ideas?

 

Sure, plenty.

 

To me, it's obvious she wants a Dad and the questions about sex, kissing, etc. all surround her attempt to see where you are in the selection of a new Dad. That's how she views it at this point. She probably feels if you have taken certain steps (kissing, sex) with a guy then you have made your selection.

 

And then, Presto! - instant Dad.

 

In the absence of facts, kids will make up their own. Maybe she is ready to understand the next layer of the dating/courting ritual.

 

Good luck - Mike

[RobFTC]

imissdow, it sounds like you are swearing "never, never" - are you sure you want to make that statement?  It seems much tougher to climb down from there than, "nothing like that is happening soon, but it might if we really love each other".  The former statement also seems like it could convey "and stop asking those pesky questions!" without that being your intent.  I don't know how open you want to be with any of your kids, but I would want to find a way to understand what they are thinking while on-topic.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest TooSoon]

As you know, for reasons I've enumerated previously, when we are together, we sleep together in the same bed and the children sleep in their rooms.  We behave like a family on all fronts including this one.  But I was in a committed relationship for nearly a year by the time this became an issue and my daughter already had an idea that andy was an important person in our lives so its a bit different.  My daughter has made some similar comments ("Are you guys wearing pants under there?" e.g.) but I think they are more about her own curiosity about becoming conscious of her own body (like she doesn't want me to see her naked even though she knows that's absurd in some ways).  She is nine, doesn't know what sex is, can't imagine why two grown ups would want to be in a bed together with no clothes on, etc.  I can see the gears turning in her tweeny head but so far there haven't been any earnest questions.  When she asks them, I will answer them.  My approach has always been honesty.  She did once ask me what sex was about six months ago and I said, "It is one of the ways that two adults who love each other express that love."  That seemed to satisfy her at the time and it hasn't come up again.  I guess I would strive to be consistent (so like RobFTC said, avoid the "never, evers" etc which are hard to get out of and can send a mixed message if or as circumstances change).

[Virgo]

When I first started dating my daughters asked a lot of questions. I also have 3, ages 16, 14, and 8. They looked at incoming messages and calls on my phone all of the time. I was uncomfortable with them seeing different names popping up on my phone, but in some ways I felt I owed them an explanation of sorts. It's difficult navigating parenting in our situation. Hearing them say repeat names and ask about them was to much for me. Not good! I put a lock on my phone, and I'm more aware of where my phone is. When I go out and they ask what I'm doing my answers are short, "I enjoyed my evening." "I might see a movie." I reassured them if I ever feel for another man the way I felt about their dad they would be the first to know.  Until then mom is just dating. It's nice to have adult company and have fun. They seem to be handling my dating better now, so it's working for us.

[tybec]

So new to dating, such a newbie!  This resonated with me.  Have dated new guy 2 months.  PHone calls every night since first meeting, and live a little over an hour away, also.  I had in my brain what I would do, my playbook of rules I fondly called it.  I have thrown every rule out.  I don't know why.  I just have.  I am cautious with my son, of course, and he has met NG now twice, once briefly.

 

My son is 12 and wanted to meet him.  I have been honest about we are dating, not girlfriend and boyfriend and we are getting to know each other.  I KNOW NG much better than my son realizes, but he is a kid.  My son has been quite perceptive about all of it, honestly, by what he states.  He assures me it is not odd and strange to him, but I have not pushed it on him.  I have not met NG's kids and hope it will be a while as they quite young.  NG comes from a divorced family and his mom started dating about the same age and he has been helpful in suggestions and insight which I appreciate. 

 

Honesty as age appropriate is my motto.  Children don't need to know all the adult business.  Answer questions as much as you feel comfortable. The loyalty issues will come up, and I just hope the door to communication is open as I have tried it to be.  GOOD LUck!

[tybec]

Oh, just an observation I have made.  My kid watches some sitcoms that of course, have adult content.  I shelter him, but he needs to get along in this world of ours, too.  I thought about growing up with Fonzie on Happy DAYS, who was ALWAYS kissing girls, sometimes one under each arm.  There were always make out sessions on the show with all the characters who were teens.  Then other shows, like 3s Company, and the sexual innuendos. Watching that didn't warp me or think about my parents doing it, etc.  I didn't run out and do it as a teen either because I saw it on TV.  I think kids know a lot more than we give them credit and there is some research that supports that.  So, you may talk to your 10 yr. old about kissing and such as she is seeing it if the TV is on ever.  Teachable moments and then relate it to your situation, taking care to share what YOU want.