6 Weeks Out and On An Emotional Rollercoaster

[NicY]

Hi I am new to this forum. My husband (who just turned 45) passed away suddenly 6 weeks ago and I am not sure where I am. Some days I feel like I am here, some days I am just wondering around aimlessly. Everything is a blur. The days are long but the nights are longer. I cry everywhere and anytime. However this week, I have been having moments where I feel light and calm when I reflect on his death and a future without him. This often happens when I am taking my long walks. It feels strange that I should have this feeling when my heart still cries out for him. Following this calmness, I usually have a more positive and upbeat mindset of my life. I tell myself I can go on this dreaded journey and I will be fine again. While it feels good to be able to tell myself this, I am worried that my mind is playing tricks on me. I worry that it will all come crashing down one day when I least expect it.

 

My husband was a very positive, cheerful and optimistic person. He also has the uncanny ability to appreciate things and people for what they are. Throughout our 19 years of marriage he was my rock. He helped me to see things from a different perspective when I am upset or down.  I'd like to think that he's guiding me on this course and giving me some of his positive energy.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, NicY,

 

Welcome to our board.  I'm sorry you had to join us.  I lost my second husband very unexpectedly and I was quite shocked by his death.  Grief can be so overwhelming and I think our minds have a way of giving us a break from the intensity sometimes.  Your walks seem healthy and helpful for you.  No matter what we do that helps us escape from the horror of widowhood, it always manages to come back and find us again.  Be assured that you are doing nothing wrong and that feeling calmness and positivity is not a bad thing at all.  Some day, in the months and then years ahead, you will find a more permanent state in which your anguish is not nearly so intense.  For now, think of grief and a roller coaster, with highs and lows and sometimes rapid fluctuations in thought and mood.

 

Meanwhile, keep reading and posting to your heart's content.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

NicY, I am very sorry to hear about your husband.  There is no straight path in this grief journey.  I think those moments of calm and hope are a gift you need to hold onto when you feel them, a chance to build up your strength for the darker moments.  With time the balance changes and the positive thoughts will start to out number the more painful ones.  For now, just allow yourself to feel each when they come.  This your journey and there is no right or wrong way.  I wish I could tell you there will be no crash, in my 2 1/2 years on this path I have had too many to count, but the underlying feeling of hope wins out more and more.  Your husbands positive strength is a wonderful guiding force for you and I'm glad to hear you feel connected to him that way.  Just remember he is with you in the darker times too.

 

I hope you find the support in this group that I have, you're not alone.

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  I lost DH about 5 years ago, and I felt as you do.  He also was very clear-eyed, knew what was important in life and what wasn't, was so loving and giving, and optimistic naturally - I was not, and I thought of myself as honoring him after his death by trying to adopt his outlook more.  I'm so glad you feel moments of clarity and strength and calm.  Take them when you get them, and know that they will continue to come - generally more often and for longer, but it's not a simple upward trend of betterment.  There will be days when his absence will knock you on your @$$ and you won't be able to get up.  I tried to just accept all the feelings and thoughts that came, no matter how terrible and unbearable.  I too engaged in tons of public sobbing.  I sat on a bench by the river a lot, with a home-sized box of tissues, no joke.  This is a long and hard journey, and to an extent it does not ever end, but it does get easier to bear over time.  May memories and his and your inner strength and light guide and comfort you.  And we're here in the dark times. 

[Meg40185]

I am only 12 days out and I'm constantly thinking the same things. I tell myself I will recover from this. It will get easier. I will survive. But I feel like I'm just saying those things to appease myself. I am scared to death that I'm always going to feel this way and I'm never going to feel better. My husband was my world. He went through so much and he still remained strong. I feel like I'm failing him now by not being the same. I don't know how to function without him.

[Tatianakm]

Welcome NicY and Meg,

 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a horrble realization to those of us who lived a great fullfilling life with our spouses, that life can be cruel and unfair. I too find myself in the middle of this complete despair and loneliness without my other half.  One day he was here- great, positive, loving man, with whom I have built my life- next minute he is gone and I am left to pick up the pieces. Someone from this forum told me early on to set my expectations bar very very very low and just ty to get through one day at a time. This is what I am doing now. I find it very helful to visit the cemetery daily and have my "talk" with him. While I still cry a lot, I learned to cry an carry on. I have to tell myself :" you had a good long cry, now carry on with life until next time". Visit this forum often and write about everything that bothers you. We understand, feel the same and will not judge.

 

Hugs to you, very tight hugs.

[Jess]

I tell myself I can go on this dreaded journey and I will be fine again. While it feels good to be able to tell myself this, I am worried that my mind is playing tricks on me. I worry that it will all come crashing down one day when I least expect it.

 

Welcome NicY. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband suddenly as well and just wrapping your mind around it is so hard.

 

The hard truth of the matter is that you aptly described this experience as a rollercoaster. It is ups and downs, triumphs and heartbreaking despair. And at times the grief will likely crash down on you. After the fog of the first few weeks, I had the moments of light you described. I felt like I could do it. Then, at about three months out I had the worst day since the beginning of it. I couldn't stop crying and felt so alone, hopeless, and in a dark place no light could possible penetrate. I think it was that much more disconcerting because I had been pushing myself so hard to keep moving forward so I really didn't expect such an extreme backslide. I pulled through it with the help of the connections I made with this community. Now, I have the perspective to see it wasn't a backslide at all. Days like that where the pain demands to be felt are all part of feeling what we need to in order to somehow process the impossible. Those days are scary as hell, but for a lot of us they have to happen.

 

I am now about 21 months out. Hard days still happen and tears still spring up unexpectedly. Just last week I took a mental break at work and looked at Facebook. A friend posted a pic of my late husband and I found myself crying at my desk despite feeling like I have fought my way to a really good place. My point in all of this is do not take continuing to grieve or having it sneak up on you as an indication that you are not progressing. It is all part of it and you can make it through it, despite how impossible it may feel at times. We're all here for you.

[Jess]

I am only 12 days out and I'm constantly thinking the same things. I tell myself I will recover from this. It will get easier. I will survive. But I feel like I'm just saying those things to appease myself. I am scared to death that I'm always going to feel this way and I'm never going to feel better. My husband was my world. He went through so much and he still remained strong. I feel like I'm failing him now by not being the same. I don't know how to function without him.

 

Hi Meg. I am so glad you found us so early but so sorry you needed to. I stumbled across this community in its former home when I was a few days out and my account was activated at 11 days. It is hard to remember much of those early days due to the fog of shock and for that I am grateful. I remember though how long every minute felt and that I had to struggle to allow time to pass. I remember feeling rudderless, hopeless, and scared. My husband was my everything and how does one go on without that? I was an empty shell.

 

The truest thing I can tell you is that you can absolutely survive this, even when it feels at best improbable and at worst impossible. You can do this by putting one foot in front of the other each day and sometimes just standing still. A member had a signature line that inspired me quite a bit and if I wasn't such a mess in those days to remember who it was I would thank her for giving me a watershed moment with her words, but to paraphrase it was something like "I can't let his legacy be that his death destroyed me. I need to honor him by keeping on." I live my life by those words and that impact is the sort of thing you can find here. We are all with you and rooting for you.

[NicY]

Thank you all for your comforting words of wisdom. It is indeed heartening to hear what I am going through is "normal". I am sitting tight and will ride the waves as all of you have pointed out. It is one scary ride but I know there is no way to get off now.

 

Today is our wedding anniversary and I am feeling so numb. I miss him so much I don't know what to do.

[Jen]

Oh, hugs, hugs. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please keep talking. We get it.