Just Over Five Weeks Into My New "Normal"

[JustK]

I've very relieved to have found this forum;I just wish I didn't need it.

 

It'll be six weeks this upcoming Saturday since my LH passed. Yeah, every Saturday is now marked by the amount of weeks he's been gone

 

He was only 38, I'm 34 and our only daughter had just turned 12 the week prior to his death. He had been sick for the past 18 months. He needed a liver transplant that he became too ill to receive. I'd been his caregiver during his entire illness, and I can't begin to explain how strange it is to not be taking care of him any longer.

 

Less than six weeks into this horrendous new"normal," and I saw his mother earlier today. The conversation we had actually prompted me to join here.

 

She told me that I've been grieving long enough, and everyone (whoever that means) thinks it's time I begin moving on. She also said that I'm screwing up our daughter by still being in such a "funk" over LH's death. This was HIS mother saying these things. He was her youngest child; you would think if anyone could understand how I'm feeling, she would. This was the first time I realized just how different of a person I am from her.

 

I'm sorry if I'm still in a so-called funk over losing the man that I've literally spent my entire adult life with; we met a month before my 19th birthday. I'm also sorry that people think it's my fault that my daughter is devastated over her father's death. As she's said herself, try having your first real experience with death be one of your parents! No, that could never mess with a child's head, now could it?! Contrary to what people believe, I don't break down into a puddle of tears in front of her. I let everything out when she isn't around. However, you better believe I've let her weep in my arms. And I always will. And actually, who cares if I do end up breaking down in front of her someday? Emotions are completely normal. I just can't believe the things people are saying about us  :-[

[arneal]

JustK - you are not alone ... with this loss or with the reactions to it. People often have no clue

Do what you need to do for you and your daughter. Come here, where there is great support. Hugs!

[Wheelerswife]

JustK,

 

You sound like you are handling grief pretty normally to me.  I'm sorry you had to join our club, but I'm glad you found us.  There are several new people here close to your timeframe and on the younger side...20's and 30's, so you have a bit of company.  That's a pretty sad reality, I know, but this journey of widowhood seems to be easier to handle when people in your life...even virtual people...walk it with you.

 

So read , post, vent away, ask questions and make yourself at home.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

[AubreeAnn]

I'm am so so so so so sorry that your MIL said that to you. NOBDOY should be telling you those things. You're entitled to your grief for however long you are in it. It sounds like you're being strong for your daughter and your daughter seems mature enough to know that your griefs are different. You just lost your other half, and I wish that you didn't have to be there but take your time and don't let anyone tell you otherwise about how you should be feeling. Big big hugs to you and your daughter. Come here to talk, we're always here to listen.

[SoVerySad]

Dear JustK,

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I must say, while I realize that people who've not lost a spouse can't understand the pain and sense of loss we endure, I'm shocked anyone would be telling you at not even six weeks out that you've grieved long enough. I know it is hard for people to see us so sad, but we are and we can't (and really shouldn't have to) hide it all the time. My children were 13 and 14 when my husband died. At first, I tried not to let them see me upset, but it was impossible. There are only so many showers one can take in a day. I realized that as long as I kept reassuring them we would be fine, allowing them to see me cry was okay, because it was a natural reaction to losing someone you love. It also helped them see it was fine for them to cry as well. Please try not to let the opinion of others who are unable to understand put any added pressure on you.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[Trying]

At 6 weeks you are supposed to be in shock, in a puddle, and in the depths of grief.  Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or acting.  I also saved my darkest moments to be out of site of my children but they need to see us grieve so they understand their feelings are normal. Your MIL may be denying her grief or she just can't handle seeing the pain you and your daughter are in.  Whatever the reason, she needs to deal with her grief in her way and let you deal in your own way.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found us.

[Quixote]

6 weeks?  Mother of God, I'm not sure I was getting around to regular bathing by then.

[cathyr]

Oh my gosh!  I'm in disbelief that you have such insensitive people in your life telling you how you should you should grieve, especially after only six weeks. Shame on them!  Believe me, we completely understand here.  Please keep posting, venting, crying, and grieving, and whatever you need to do to be heard and understood.  I am so very sorry for you loss.

[Mizpah]

She told me that I've been grieving long enough, and everyone (whoever that means) thinks it's time I begin moving on. She also said that I'm screwing up our daughter by still being in such a "funk" over LH's death.

 

Oh gosh.  Sigh.  I did a LOT of "nodding and smiling" and also a lot of "are you kidding me?" in the first few months.  People say the craziest things, things divorced from all sanity and sensitivity.  F what everyone thinks, F the shoulds.  What kind of example of emotional health would it be to show your daughter that the  most important person in your life can suffer and die and you can just brush your hands off and carry on bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?  I'm sorry.  Glad you found us.  Vent away.  You can feel however you feel here.  We all get it.

[Guest April]

Only 5 weeks and people expect you to "move on"?!    There is no time limit and everyone is different.. I've found it important to be strong for my kids.. but I also believe they need to see us grieve.  My heart breaks for my kids.. I find witnessing and trying to help them through their pain is harder to handle then my own grief.