Talking to kids about engagement plans

[Trying]

My kids are 20, 18, and 12.  For those of you who have followed my story you know things have been a little rocky with the older 2 accepting my relationship but everyone has settled into acceptance and are getting along well with my boyfriend and his children.  We have known for a while that we want to get married but have been giving my children some time to get comfortable with the situation.

 

It's time for me to talk to them about our plans to get engaged and I'm looking for advice.  Things have been going so smoothly that I hate the idea of rocking the boat with them.  I will continue to reassure them that my love for their Dad will never change and that my love for them will never change and I want to handle this in the best way possible.

[serpico]

I think the two oldest ones would normallly be the easiest, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.  My advice is that you've really handled them with kid gloves for a long time now and it's time to be more assertive.  Those two really aren't kids anymore, and it's time they understand that you're a mature woman who is looking into a wonderful future.  I'm not sure there is anything more you can do to assure them that this new relationship won't diminish your love for your first husband.

 

They may not like it but it's time for them to get used to it.

 

[TofinoMan]

I think the two oldest ones would normallly be the easiest, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.  My advice is that you've really handled them with kid gloves for a long time now and it's time to be more assertive.  Those two really aren't kids anymore, and it's time they understand that you're a mature woman who is looking into a wonderful future.  I'm not sure there is anything more you can do to assure them that this new relationship won't diminish your love for your first husband.

 

They may not like it but it's time for them to get used to it.

 

+1.

 

I'm not going to disagree with a thing already said.

But might add that i would be more concerned about the child only 12, the adults aged ones should have jobs and their own lives and be gone soon.

The one just 12 would be my greatest concern!

[Abitlost]

First of all...congratulations!!! I am so happy for you!!!

 

My advice would be to approach it in a natural way, that this is a natural progression of your commitment to each other. Reassure them that your happiness now doesn't diminish the love for their dad, and never will. You have found someone with whom you wish to spend the rest of your days. You could always joke that this gets them off the hook for having to take care of you the rest of your life  ;D

 

abl

[Trying]

TofinoMan, you're right about my 12 year old.  He will be the most effected because he will live at home the longest and my boyfriend has 2 younger boys that will be with us half of the time.  The older 2 have had a greater struggle with their grief and were initially very opposed to me dating so their reaction is the one I tend to worry about.  I should really focus on the impact on my 12 year old more even if he seems more "go with the flow".   

 

I made some mistakes in parenting when DH was still alive.  I never put my own needs first or even let anyone know I had needs.  The consequence is that I'm not very good at it but I realize that there are times when my needs need to come first just like there are times when each child's needs have to come first.  The other consequence is that my sons are not used to thinking of me as someone who has needs.  We have all had to adjust.  So, starting the conversation about our plans to get married does not come easily to me.

 

I need to put my big girl pants on and just do it.  But I would love to hear how others had that conversation.

[serpico]

I need to put my big girl  pants on and just do it.  But I would love to hear how others had that conversation.

 

Me to my 15 and 12-year old boys: 'Soooo, I'm getting engaged tonight'  ;D

 

I know I sound flip and it's not like I didn't worry about it, but I knew this marriage would be a good thing, not only for me but because it's what is best for our family. That was the driver of my decision so I kept it cut and dried with the boys.

 

My youngest girl (9) was told after it happened and she had a bit of a meltdown, complete with 'I miss Mom' moments that sorta deflated the night a little bit  I guess I could have told her beforehand, but she wouldn't have been able to keep a secret like I knew my boys could.

 

No matter how I did it, though, I knew my kids would adjust, and they have.  And we had been seriously spending a lot of quality time together, so it didn't come as a huge surprise to any of my kids.

 

Best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll do great!

[Neverthesame]

I have met a couple of people in recent years that lost a parent at a fairly young age and said they had been totally against the remaining parent remarrying. The parent respected their wishes and did not remarry. Now those kids are in their 30’s with families of their own and really regret their decision to standing in their parent’s way.

 

Just saying……we all make decisions based on how we feel at the time but it’s often hard, especially for young people, to look at a decision and see how it will affect the future.

 

I wish you luck in moving forward.

 

Bill

 

[twin_mom]

I have the opposite problem, my 13 year olds lecture me regularly on how I need to just marry ng....

 

But when ng moved in, I just told them, "ng is going to come live with us". Which didn't go over at all as DD hated him at the time. I told her I understood her feelings, but this is my life too and some day soon she was going to want to hang out with her friends more than me and then move away to college and I wanted to have ng in my life. She swore she'd live with me forever so I wouldn't need ng.... but i stayed firm, laid out clear behavior guidelines, and we dove in. She was furious, but we made sure that my kids still had time with just me and now she's attached to him.

 

So I guess just be honest, don't beat around the bush, and deal with the issues they have head-on. Assure them that you will always love them and their father and protect whatever traditions you have with them that they may depend on (at my house it's the three of us sprawling on the couch watching TV together, ng calls it "dog heaping" and just leaves us to it, recognizing that is the way my kids reconnect with me).

[butterflywidow]

I would love an update on how the announcement went.

 

I am new to this site but I have been widowed for 11 months now.

 

I found myself in a relationship very early on after being married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. He died after being struck by a car, so very sudden at 39.

 

My 15 year old daughter is struggling with my relationship.  I have read through a lot of your posts and I find a lot of similarities.

 

We don't have plans right now to get engaged, but I do want to move him in hopefully in the next 6 months.

 

I hope your sons took the news as well as you could expect!

 

[Trying]

Welcome butterflywidow, though I am sorry for the reason you are here.

 

Talking to the boys went as well as could be expected.  My oldest is happy for me, youngest enjoys having BF around.  My middle son was very quiet and didn't have much to say which is actually an improvement.  I asked him to wait until at least October to propose because the third sadiversary was September 20th so nothing official yet. He's now spending about half the week here which has been a good way to help everyone adjust.  2 years ago I would have said I would NEVER have a man sleep over with my kids here.  But what has worked best for my family is these gradual changes.  We dated for months before they met him.  The interactions were then very brief for months.  Then he started helping out with manly jobs around the house. Then he came for dinner twice a week.  You get the idea.

 

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling with the relationship, I know all too well how difficult that is.  I made a few mistakes along the way but I'm glad I didn't force things on my kids too quickly.