Just a bad day

[GoldToAiryThinness]

So isolated.

 

4 years passed since I saw her, since she died. Two people texted, which is great and i'm really grateful. To be honest, would've liked the offer of company.

 

So alone, so isolated. Been days since I spoke to anyone. It was Monday afternoon. Want to speak to someone, anyone. No-one I know would take my calls. It's so humiliating.

 

Actually, I think the bad thing there is that no-one has my back. Small things I guess, like when friends gang up to criticise me for some small thing, but that's okay. But bigger things too, when I really needed some support. When they told me it was my fault she was dead, no-one would tell me otherwise (it really wasn't me, she died from a blood clot in what the coronor said was completely unpredictable, and the consultant said even if she'd been in accident and emergency they wouldn't have been able to save her I did everything I swear). When they said I couldn't tell people about her, couldn't show people her photo, my friends took their side. Though I still talk about her, I'm afraid now to even mention my own wife. Pathetic. I try to imagine her here backing me up. She was always so fierce in that. But I can't imagine her having anything but scorn for me, her hating me. I dream of her sometimes, and sometimes she's just indifferent to me, though she never was like that in life. I feel less than unmanned, less than human. So ashamed.

 

I know, I know, you'll read this and think stop being so full of self-pity, or that there's something mentally wrong with me. Or that I ask too much from friends or family, or I'm unkind or not fun. It's not that, it's just pain. And it's just on the internet, in this one post. I wouldn't say this sort of thing out loud. Most days I manage to pretend to seem happy, and I work hard at a tricky job, and I almost never ask my friends for support. I care more about my friends than me, at least I try to and sometimes I do. Just a bad week. Please don't condemn me.

 

I guess I just miss her, and miss her love. It's not a big deal. Most of all, I hope to God she is okay, somehow.

 

p.s. the username is from a great poem:

 

Our two souls therefore, which are one

Endure not yet a breach

But an expansion

Like gold to airy thinness beat

 

 

 

 

 

[Mrskro]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad day.  I understand the feeling of isolation.  Unfortunately; I have found not many people understand what we have been through.  And I understand that feeling of no one having your back.  I'm sorry you've experienced it too.

 

I'm glad you found us.  I believe you will find we understand and don't condemn. 

 

Virtual hugs

[GoldToAiryThinness]

Thanks Mrskro. Is it the same for you lots of you guys then? The days and days without anyone to speak to? The sad anniversaries spent with no-one around? I'm so sorry, that's not right. My god, how do you get through? Not that I know how I got through myself...

[Trying]

I'm sorry for the bad time and the feeling of being isolated.  I think is all too common for us wids to experience the loss of friends and sometimes family on top of losing our spouse.  For me, there were people who really disappointed me by their absence and then there are people I put off because I tend to isolate myself instead of leaning on others.  I also know there are times when I can be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely.

 

I will forever be grateful that in those times I feel so isolated that there are always people here to,turn to.

[Wheelerswife]

My family doesn't really get it, and I have been widowed twice.  I don't live near them, and I haven't ever relied on them for significant emotional support.  My support comes from widow friends and the people who knew my second husband, who died 2 1/2 years ago.  I'm the one who remembers my guys, but I don't know if anyone else knows the dates anymore.

 

I'm glad you found us here.  It can be a lonely road, but knowing that others understand and are finding their way in life again is a good thing.  We get it here.  You don't have to pretend for any of us.

 

As far as the crappy things that people say...it sometimes helps to have a good come back line.  "It's my fault my wife died?  Of course!  I was just tired of having her around!  I wanted a few years of being miserable by myself!"

 

I worked as a health care professional for 26 years and never saw signs that my husband was in heart failure.  His mother wants to blame me, too.  Fortunately, she lives far away and I don't have to deal with her anymore.  We do the best we can with the resources we have.  My husband showed no signs of trouble until his heart went into an arrhythmia while he was sleeping and I wasn't home. 

 

You aren't completely alone.

 

Hang in there.

 

Maureen

[GoldToAiryThinness]

Thanks Maureen.

 

So sorry to hear about the wanting to blame. It's a real tough one, can't not deal with them in my case, but you learn to hold your tongue and love through it.

 

Real glad you have some supporting friends, that's so awesome. Even more amazing that they knew your husband. Beautiful. Needed some hope in humanity, some sign that people can care for someone else, some hope. Thank you.

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry things are hurting so much right now. I know you said it is no big deal in your post, but it is very significant to you and to each of us when these waves of grief engulf us. Unfortunately others who haven't been through the same experience don't understand, but we get it here. The loneliness is very hard for me at times as well, so you are definitely not alone in that. I haven't had much support from family and the friends I had before my husband's death either. But I have made a few really wonderful friends from this forum. Unfortunately, they don't live close enough to spend actual time together, so I'm trying to get myself out and meet new people. It is so strange to be doing this at 50. But, I'm having a little success and hoping it gets easier as I try it longer. I still miss my husband greatly, though. Every day.

 

Thank you for sharing the lines from the poem with us.

 

Sending you a tight hug...

[Rayspumpkin]

I hear you. I understand you! I cannot condemn you without condemning myself...and every other wid here...and I refuse to do that.

I'm almost 4 years into this...thing...we call widowhood. I have no idea how I've made it here...I have days that I miss hubby so much my whole body aches...and other days it is just a dull pain I lug around with ease. I smile more...but I too have days that royally suck and friends & family are MIA and I get angry at them...then realize a lot of them tried to be there for me & I pushed them all away because I never wanted THEM. I've found that even when I think I want someone; once they arrive...I'm ready for them to leave. It's a tricky journey...and I completely understand feeling like you're almost in the home stretch...and getting pinged by a flyball.

I will not accuse you of self-pity...because sometimes...a little downer day is what it takes to survive the next few months. A friend gave me some really great advice "Grief...live it, take it when it hits, wallow in it for a time, take a little vacation into the deep despair it brings; experience whatever it needs to make you feel...but don't you dare unpack your stuff & live there. You get back up and move forward. Grief is a journey...so don't you dare stop moving." It gets me through some of my darker moments.