SoVerySad Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I recently reached a place where I am willing to consider a relationship with a new person. I have surprised myself with this as I've been convinced my feelings on this issue would never change. I couldn't picture myself dating anyone else. I miss being in a loving relationship, though. A lot. Anyway, I was thinking about this issue and realized that it has been almost 35 years since I have kissed any man other than my husband (we started dating at 16)!! In addition, I have never gone further intimacy wise than kissing with anyone other than my husband. Those are pretty daunting and fear inducing numbers. Anyone else in a similar situation? It is hard to imagine finding a comfort level with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I was only with my husband. We met when we were 16/17. Married 19 years, together 22. I think being intimate with another person is different for everyone. I wondered if I would cry, or just shut down. Neither happened during the moment. I did cry afterwards. It's a lot of different emotions all at once. I think just like with everything else, it's a part of the grieving process. Taking steps forward. I never thought I would be in this situation. Dating at 40. I had my life partner. Now I'm alone, single mom of 3. Dating can be fun, but frustrating too. It definitely makes me appreciate the relationship I had with my husband even more. If I never love as deeply again I will always feel blessed that I had him, his love. Some people never find that kind of love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 Thank you for replying, Jen. I hadn't really considered that I might start crying. Given I cry fairly easily, it could happen to me as well. I am glad to at least be aware of the possibility. I feel as you do about my marriage and relationship with T. I know I was really very blessed. It has been so painful without him, but totally worth the hurt now to have had all the amazing years we did. It as taken me a while to reach this level of perspective. Hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I met Tim when I was 19, we were together 25 years, married for 20. For me the idea of dating and being intimate with another man was daunting and felt impossible. We were supposed to grow old together and I never imagined being in a situation where I would want to be with another man. When I opened myself up to it I went through every range of emotions and there were some tears but I am so glad I was open to it. From the beginning it felt right when I was with NG and it was only when I was alone that the crazy emotions would take over and leaving me wondering how could this be my life? But over time I reconciled my feelings and I have come to terms with the fact that I am making the most of this new life, I didn't chose to be a widow, to lose my life partner and first love, but it's ok for me to keep living and loving. Good luck to you on this phase, try to relax and be open to possibilities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Dan and I started dating when I was 21 and my experience was pretty limited. I wondered what it would be like too, but honestly I needn't have worried. I kissed him (he describe sit as 80/20) and I initiated, um other things. And quite frankly, that part of our relationship is absolutely amazing. I think there are a few reasons I didn't have issues I probably would have expected. One, I really liked him; he is so kind and so sweet and I wanted it to go further. Second, I waited a fairly long time before being open to dating. That's not to say there's anything wrong with doing it sooner, but for me it would have been. I had no interest, and accepted that about myself, I felt absolutely no pressure to feel differently. I think that's why for me it was like, I don't want to, I don't want to, okay now I want to. It was like a switch just flipped for me, and consequently I didn't have to come to terms with it. The other thing is that we are very compatible in many ways, including that area. So I don't feel self conscious the way I might have anticipated. I guess what I'm saying is if you are true to yourself then your chances of it being comfortable and rewarding are greater. Like FWBs work fine for some people, but it wouldn't have worked for me and had I tried to force that approach it would have been a disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 A cautionary tale...For me anyway, I was married for 27 years and was an extreme caretaker for several years. I described it as "a long siege" in which I was not aware of any kind of sexual need. Early on, after my husbands death I developed a relationship with a family friend. It was terrifying and exciting. And when we did become intimate, I experienced the range of emotions that Trying spoke about. I was extremely conflicted for a long time. I did discover that I was not a FWB kind of girl either, and if I was going to be intimate with someone, then it had to be a committed relationship. So I found myself in one sooner than I wanted to be in one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I was with my husband for 26 years, 20 married. He wasn't my first though. Someone mentioned a switch above. That's what it was like for me. It is different for everyone but mine came at around 9 months. I was a mess for 9 months and then realized I wanted to live again. I started a 1 year relationship just after a year out. For me, having someone I trusted for the first time was important. He was very concerned and worried about my reaction. I wasn't sure if I would cry. It was very emotional on many levels but I didn't quite cry. If I had cried, that would have been ok too. It's a normal human reaction to intense emotion. After that, the hormones went bananas and still haven't stopped. I think you will know when it feels right. It needs to feel safe and with the right person but it doesn't necessarily mean in a relationship. It's whatever YOU feel comfortable with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I started dating LH at age 14, and he was 17. We were together 28 yrs., 21 married. I waited 4 yrs. 2 months to start dating after LH died. I told NG I might cry, as I also told him LH was the only guy for me ever. I didn't cry. It was actually really natural. I have enjoyed a new relationship, learning lots about me! I, however, do not wish to know his list of lovers. I sense a lot, since he was 20 yrs. military and overseas 11 of it. He was pretty wild in college, too. My lack of experience with other partners makes me insecure sometimes, but my confidence of being in a long term loving relationship with lots of sex makes me overcome the insecurities . Strange world being a widow, I tell ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Thank you all for sharing your stories to give me encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Like MrsDan stated, I feel like I really gave myself a lot of time before I reached this point. The analogy of a switch being turned on fits my feelings very well. Right now I feel like I would like to switch it back off until I feel more ready. I realized tonight part of my fears isn't just this issue. I have a difficult month in front of me in August that is weighing on me as well. Add to that trying to figure out what I want in life now and I'm left feeling overwhelmed. Thank you again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Hugs SVS. I was always adamant that I would never date again, but I felt very lonely and decided to start dating again. I am trying to figure everything out just like you..what exactly I want right now. I was only ever intimate with my husband, and I worried too about how I would feel being with another man. One thing I have realized is that for me feeling comfortable with the other person is very important and can determine how I will react. It's hard to know what you want, for me it changes daily. Sometimes I miss being in a relationship but then other times I wonder if I just miss being in a relationship with him.. I am sorry I'm not more helpful, just wanted to say I can empathize with you.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Yes, dh was my first/only. But I was more than ready to move on though at the 3 year mark. I actively pushed for intimacy fairly early with NG (1.5 months in). He was willing to wait, but I didn't want to. The first time was "different" for lack of a better word. I almost scared him away afterwards, because I was experiencing so many emotions right after the first time. Not crying or regret, just needing to process everything. But he was patient and kind and forgiving after I more or less kicked him out immediately after. He gave me space and after a day or so of working through things I was fine. I was probably opposite of many young widows though in that dh and I did not have a great relationship and our intimate life was never what it could have been. I regretted not having more experiences before getting married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 days, thank you for sharing honestly about your relationship with your DH. My relationship with DH was lacking intimacy for several years, we got along ok but we were lacking both physical and emotional intimacy. In the 4 months he was suffering with cancer we regained the emotional intimacy and it made me realize what was missing for so long. I think that this is part of the reason I allowed myself to enter into a relationship relatively early out, I craved intimacy in all its forms. I had shut off that part of me for years because DH was a good man, a wonderful father and a great partner in many ways and I would have been content to be his wife into old age. This is part of what I have had trouble reconciling since he died. My current relationship provides me with both emotional and physical intimacy that I had been missing since the early years of my marriage. But DH was family, we were co parents, we had history, we had a tight social circle ( that is mostly gone now), I could always count on him, and we had a comfortable rhythm to our life together. Two completely different relationships, two men I love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdarrah1130 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 WOW I feel/felt the exact same way excluding the parenting part. "My current relationship provides me with both emotional and physical intimacy that I had been missing since the early years of my marriage. But DH was family, we were co parents, we had history, we had a tight social circle ( that is mostly gone now), I could always count on him, and we had a comfortable rhythm to our life together. Two completely different relationships, two men I love. " NG is also widower and has 4 girls- 18, 16, 14, 9. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted July 23, 2016 Author Share Posted July 23, 2016 Thank you all again for sharing your stories and encouragement. This is all just so strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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