Dating and young kids - any tips?

[Lego]

Hi, just looking for advice.

 

My wife died almost 2 years ago, I've never dated before now, but have met an amazing woman. My boys are 9 and 7 and I try to be upfront, and in fact it is very hard to hide anyway, that I am dating.

 

However, it has brought out emotion in the boys and they have told me they don't want a replacement Mum. I think they feel guilty and don't want her memory to fade.

 

I haven't introduced them yet. Do kids accept new partners? I don't want my boys to loose respect for me. Any advice?

[adp]

I have a story of when it didn't work, and one of when it did.

 

I first started dating at about 18 months (I am just over ten years out now) my children were just coming up on 14 (boy) and 10 (girl). I told them after a couple of dates because i wanted to carry on seeing her and anything else felt dishonest. That seemed very important, and I still believe it was absolutely the right thing to do, even though it proved pretty disastrous. My son had an immediate, powerful, almost visceral negative reaction. He was very angry with me, deeply upset and hurt. To him it felt like a betrayal. I tried to explain that it wasn't but he couldn't hear it. I did carry on seeing her. We lived about 2 hours drive apart so it worked in the sense that I would simply go away to see he. But it didn't work because my son's feelings did not change (in fact they probably hardened) and the times coming up to me going to see her got more and more difficult, not less. I ended the relationship. It was getting too painful to carry and was clearly never going to be given the chance to grow.

 

No doubt some may tell me that as the adult I should have asserted myself, given a bit of tough love, and not let him run my life. But it was hurting him very badly and worse, it was hurting our relationship (his and mine).

 

I know this doesn't sound very encouraging but from it I take a few things. I still don't regret my honesty. It would have been far harder and more damaging to have hidden things for longer. Honesty has to come in at some point and its best right from the start. Second I do think we have to listen to our children's feelings. My son wasn't being a selfish teenage brat. He was hurting very badly and couldn't help his feelings. In the end my relationship with him was more important than the one with my girlfriend. It may be that your children, though finding this difficult, have less extreme reactions - still, you might have to take this slow and give them time to adjust.

 

In the end, all my son needed was time. I am now in a wonderful relationship (as some of you may be aware with someone here) and we all got along famously and completely naturally. My son is nothing but genuinely happy for me in my relationship.

[Guest TooSoon]

I started to respond to this yesterday but never finished and in the interim, adp weighed in.  I'm the other half of the relationship he mentions at the end of his post.

 

My daughter was 7 when I got involved with adp; she's 9.5 now. I was widowed about 18 months when this started.

 

Honesty was my policy, too.  I did not ask permission or approval.  What I did do was make sure I understood what her concerns really were and that she knew any question would be answered honestly.  Her biggest concern turned out to be a deep need to know what this relationship would mean for her.  My husband got sick when she was 4 - and there were 2 highly unpredictable, traumatic years until his death when she was six; for two years, we had no idea what each day would bring.  Of course her primary concern was how this new person was going to have an impact on her and on her life; sometimes her questions have been very serious and probing - other times they have been silly, trivial things entirely appropriate for a little person's world view.  While parenting alone has been, um, a ramshackle affair some of the time and she thinks I am a royal pain in the neck some of the time, I've made sure she knows that our bond supersedes everything else, not just with adp but with everything in life.  She loves adp and his children but what she really needed to know was that I wasn't picking someone else over her and that she would not be abandoned.  Her fear of abandonment and the unknown was palpable and I understood, respected and responded to that. 

 

Everyone's circumstances are different but I felt and still feel strongly that honesty - and honesty can be disbursed gently and affirmatively - worked and works best for my daughter and me. 

 

But, check in in a few years when she is in full on tweenagerdom...... 

 

 

[daysofelijah]

My kids are young (4, 8, 11, 13). My oldest has had the most issue with my dating/having a bf. I've been open about it, not hiding things. I also made it clear that BF was not going to be a replacement for his dad. BF treats him with respect, but also isn't afraid to call him on things (like disrespect toward me) so that has caused some problems. Oldest does not "like" him, but I really don't think that he would like anyone I date. He got used to being the "man of the house" over the last few years and doesn't want his role threatened. He also likes that I pay him to babysit his sisters when I go out, so he's always encouraging me to go out. It's a delicate balance with him, especially with teenage issues cropping up.

 

We try to do some things together both with his kid and my kids. It helps for us. I know some keep their dating lives separate from the kids, but BF has met my kids since day 1 so our situation is a little different. My 11 yo son is pretty indifferent about the whole thing, and my girls just love him for the most part and crave his attention. They were very young when dh died though and don't have many memories of dad.

 

I think as long as I'm honest about the way things are going, but also being clear that this is my choice and they don't need to give me permission things are good. I made it clear that they are free to ask any questions and express their feelings about things. We are taking things slow and being aware that the kids come first in many of our choices for the future. It's a lot to juggle. But now that I am ready, it's more than worth it to have someone in my/our lives, and I think me being happier makes life better for all of us.

 

Good luck. I think losing mom and having a new women come in for your boys would bring on a whole new set of dynamics. My oldest still goes to counseling and that really seems to help in his attitude and emotional state. Having someone neutral, besides me to talk to is good for him.

 

 

[Portside]

 

Q1. - Do kids accept new partners?

 

Q2. - I don't want my boys to loose respect for me. 

 

A1. - Of course they can. But, having said that, it comes in all flavors. My youngest sons were roughly the same ages as your children when they lost their mother. Honestly, I think how you approach it with your kids has a large impact on how well it will be received. Further, since all kids are different and each family has it's own dynamic, the same inputs for each family will not have the same outcome. If you try/say something and it doesn't work out - try again with a new approach. I think it is key to be as open and honest as you can be about your dating status. I let my little guys know I was going out shortly before I started. (With a girl?! Yes guys, with a girl.") It didn't seem to be too big of a deal to them. I think it was partially due to the fact that I was pretty low key about it. Although I was stressing greatly internally, I didn't let it show.

 

They had plenty of questions for me, such as: Will she be our new Mom? No. We are just going out for coffee/ice cream/whatever. Also, I did not have any of the women I went out with meet my sons (until my now wife and I had decided to date exclusively.)  Additionally, I did not allow the kids to involve themselves with my dating life. They had no input whether or not I was dating, where or when I went out, etc. I was frank with them, I told them straight up it was adult business and not theirs. I didn't get much pushback from them. I know others have different thoughts regarding this issue but I will not allow my children to direct such an important part of my life. They aren't emotionally mature enough to be involved - but even if they were, for example my adult children, it's none of their business. Now, having said all that, you'd better be damn sure your prospective spouse has the kid's interests very near and dear to her heart along with her feelings for you. You have to weed out the pervs, golddiggers, and other assorted neer'-do-wells.

 

Q2. - I don't want my boys to loose respect for me. 

 

A2. - Why would they? If they continue to see you treating women with the dignity and respect they deserve, just like you treated their natural mother, not only will they continue to respect you but will also gain a valuable lesson on how one should treat others. Oh, there may be some bumps and serious questions along the way, but this is then your opportunity to reinforce the love and respect you had for their mother along with an example of what it means to be an adult and how one should conduct himself.

 

This whole mess is not for the faint of heart, but I'm sure you can pull it off.

 

Best wishes and good luck - Mike

[Lego]

Thank you all for your heart felt replies. Some great advice and it truly helps.

 

On my first date the boys told me to not come back married. Its funny the things that go through their little minds.

 

Thank you

[Guest Lost35]

My little guy never met his Dad, so in our case it has been really important to me that our son knows his family without confusion.  It has been lonely and we have both missed out on some good things and been spared some not-so-good things, I guess.  I wanted to wait until he was ready and started to ask about it, which he is only now starting to contemplate at almost seven.  I know other families who have successfully blended (both widowed) and they were both willing to take time and make extra effort for the whole family's sake. 

 

I think it would depend on the patience of the person you are dating.  Do they understand the feelings involved (which you would need to communicate), and are they willing to take the time needed to let everyone adjust? 

 

Otherwise,  I think it is up to us to listen to everyone around us and do our best to make a new life work.    Difficult, but certainly not impossible. 

 

Good luck to you.  I hope it works out for everyone.

 

-L.

[Captains wife]

I have tried 2 routes - 1) Dating someone for a very long time and then introducing him to my young 5 year old (after a year+, 2) Introducing my son to a new boyfriend right away and getting our kids together right away. Neither worked well because of the people involved so let me tell you what I learned from this and I hope it helps (sorry, this is tough.... dating with young children). I also think it is important to continue to reassure the children that dating isn't replacing a parent but for our companionship (I would call my boyfriend, my friend to my son). Its also important to take into consideration how the children are feeling in the timing of when there may be an introduction with a new partner BUT ultimately you are the parent and should be making the best choices for you AND them.

 

1) In scenario 1, we were pretty serious but I just didn't know how to combine my dating life with my mother life and he didn't have any kids so I was keeping the 2 worlds separate. The "mistake" I made was waiting too long (16 months) and keeping the worlds apart too long so my bf was too used to me and him on our own and I realized too late he wasn't child compatable (even though he said he was). I could tell shortly after the introduction too that my son didn't take to him.

 

2) In scenario 2, I introduced them all WAY too fast - my new guy #2 was child friendly for sure and great with my son but it turned out we as a couple weren't compatable and then it turned out his young kids seemed to have a problem with my son (although he refused to share with me what that was which is one reason I broke up with him) so my son was sad when he heard he wasn't going to see this guy and his kids any more.

 

So am trying to figure out how to do it better in round 3.

 

All the best,

 

[Virgo]

I think it really depends on your kids. I was open about dating in the beginning with my daughters, but quickly found that it was disrupting our family dynamic. All three of my daughters acted out and had behavioral issues. Then I started keeping it to myself. When I had time to myself I just said, "I enjoyed my time." I never said that I was out with anyone. Our family dynamic went back to normal almost immediately. They just weren't ready.  Now I'm starting to share a little more and there haven't been any behavioral changes.