Trying Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 A common theme in my widowhood has been the feeling that I am constantly letting someone down because there is not enough of me to go around or maybe because I am not great at managing time now. Today I managed to let down my mom, my sister, my son and my boyfriend all because I am trying to find a way to keep everyone happy and meet all of my obligations. My mom lives 2 1/2 hours away and just had a mastectomy. My sister lives near her but goes to their lake house in NH for the summer. She came home to help my mom but is going back Thursday. Mom has a big Dr appointment on Friday so I need to go down to take her. Youngest son is in the middle of baseball playoffs and wants me there. Saturday same son and I are supposed to go away with BF and his kids 2 hours past my moms in opposite direction of me. So I will be be spending 2 days battling weekend summer shore traffic so my mom isn't alone, son can go to baseball and BF won't be disappointed about us missing a day or 2 of vacation. Some how they all are still unhappy with me and make me feel like I'm selfish. And, the day I come home from vacation with BF I'm supposed to pick mom up on my way and drive another 7 hours to bring her to my sisters lake house. All while I'm having renovations on my house that I will have to manage long distance. And son #2's birthday and college orientation are when I am driving all over the place so I can't be with him. I know that was a long jumbled rant of a story but I am so stressed out right now and I really hate letting people down but don't have any solutions. I really can't do everything that everyone thinks I should be able to. I had a partner for 25 years and at times it was too much for 2 of us to handle but now I'm supposed to do it all alone. And each of them will question me about why I haven't signed a lease for my office, gotten my website up and running or finished picking out appliances and countertops for my kitchen renovation. I'm only working part time right now after all so I should be able to do it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Ugh. Sympathies!! So, how's about your sis picking up some more of the load there and missing a bit of her leisure time to accommodate some of your obligations? Yeah, I know, it's never that straight forward. I don't view it as you letting people down. It's just so difficult to manage all the competing demands on your time. It's not selfishness on your part if it's that you're simply being stretched too thin. Maybe graph it out for your family and ask them just what they think you can actually do? I don't know, but I get having unrealistic expectations on you. Sometimes you just have to say that you have too much on you and you need for people to sacrifice things themselves, & not expect you to be trying to accommodate everyone yourself. All I really know is ain't nuttin' easy, especially in the widdahood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Sending empathy - I super get it. At the end of my semester this spring, I really thought it was all going to fall apart. It was unpleasant but it didn't. You've got this! Break it down, prioritize, delegate whenever and wherever you can - can your sister come down and pick her up? It simply isn't possible to be in 10 places at once. Sending you tons of support - you can only do the best you can do. PS - I hope you can go on that vacation and leave some of the rest of this behind you if only for a few days. It is so important! xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 Thank you sojourner and TooSoon. I feel a little better this morning although I didn't sleep much. My sister has been home helping my mom out for almost 2 weeks and I have only been able to go down twice for a day each time so it really is my turn to help out. It's just that it's more complicated for me because my sister doesn't work in the summer, she lives 15 minutes from mom, all of her children are grown and her husband is alive. I will never be able to help as much as her and I'm sure she is resentful. I have work schedule to work around and a 12 year old who I have to get covered. My older 2 can take care of themselves but are each working more than 40 hours a week this summer so they can't help much with 12 year old. I have a huge problem asking for help yet I can never say no to anyone else. I really wanted to get away with BF, his kids and my youngest. We've been dating for 2 years and have only had 2 weekends away together so it's very important to him. His patience has been wearing thin lately with my constant complications and road blocks so where he is usually my calming force I am feeling some pressure on that end too. Everyone is feeling like my priorities are elsewhere and it's true, I'm not giving anyone 100% and any thought of my own needs doesn't even come into anyone's radar, including mine. This summer was supposed to be about getting my business started, house renovations and focus on my health and fitness. Sorry for continuing to whine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
First Widow Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (((hugs))) Glad you are feeling a little bit better this morning. I spent a lot of time worrying about not letting people down in the first year after my husband passed away...trying to take care of everything both of us once took care of. After the first anniversary, I decided I had to start saying no to some things and concentrate on myself. I hope you can put a getaway with the BF and the kids on the calendar. Hang in there!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 You are NOT whining. You're overwhelmed and you have been dealing with cancer again. Try to be kind to yourself - it is hard, I find, at this stage of this wonderful situation we're all in that when I get overwhelmed and I start kicking myself for taking on too much, for trying too hard, for not feeling like I have the stamina to do it all or the mental acumen to keep it all straight, I always cycle back to the same place: would the alternative be better? No, absolutely not and so I keep going. Imperfectly and not as fast or as gracefully as I want to but I just keep going - and so do you. xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 It's just that it's more complicated for me because my sister doesn't work in the summer, she lives 15 minutes from mom, all of her children are grown and her husband is alive. I will never be able to help as much as her and I'm sure she is resentful. You said it all, right there. If she is resentful she needs to get over it. Your mom needs extra help right now. It isn't forever. It's not like you're taking advantage of her; you truly cannot manage it. Even if Tim was alive, you still have a child at home and she doesn't, you are working and she isn't. The fact that you don't have your coparent to pitch in is only one piece of the puzzle. Fairness isn't about doing an equal share; it's about dividing responsibilities up in ways that are reasonably manageable for each party. I got complete "asking for help" burnout there for awhile. People were always telling me to do it, but I got so sick of the look on people's faces when I could tell they really didn't want to do it, or apologizing because I couldn't reciprocate. My boyfriend offers help a lot, but some of that is sort of conflicting to me. I'm working through some of that, but it does take work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Fairness isn't about doing an equal share; it's about dividing responsibilities up in ways that are reasonably manageable for each party. Exactly THIS. Unfortunately, there seem to be few relationships that work this way- whether it be work, friends, family, romantic- but when they do, it's a beautiful thing and I feel lucky for the times I've experienced this level of trust with another person. Sadly, we've all got baggage that we're constantly tripping over, and can definitely get in the way of the overall picture. Trying- Here's hoping you make it through everything with your mind intact...don't forget to take a few deep cleansing breaths along the way, as needed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Trying, I know that if you looked at this from the outside, you would know that it isn't too much to ask your sister to go help your mother. Of course, being on the inside, that is easier said than done. What would happen if you told your sister you just couldn't do it? You need her to pick up some of the slack for you. #2 son deserves to have his mother with him if it is possible at his college orientation. These days, there are sessions for parents, too, and you deserve the opportunity to get informed yourself about his school's policies and the like. It sounds to me like if your sister went back on Mom duty, all this could work out. I know it is hard, but I hope you can assert yourself here! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 If only you all were my sisters this would be so much easier. Today my sister thanked me for offering to pitch in (me driving over 6 hours in one day day for a half hour medical appointment) because she was feeling so torn about her families "need" to have her at the lake house and my mom's needs. When I said that no one knows better than me what it feels like to be torn she told me I shouldn't let son #2 make me feel guilty about missing his birthday and college orientation or son #3 about being the only kid on the team with no parent at his game (all the other kids have 2 parents and several have grandparents coming). The reality is all 3 of my kids told me last night that they wanted me to be with my mother because they know what it's like to have a parent with cancer. Her adult children though are justified in making her feel bad about missing time at the lake?? After they already had a week together for July 4th?? And her college bound son has 2 parents going to his college orientation?? And my niece has 2 parents driving and flying all over the country to watch her college gymnastics?? I have to put her out of my mind because when I spoke to my mom today she was in tears so I need to go be with her and everything else doesn't matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I'm sorry all of this is landing on you. Your sister just isn't able to gain perspective. You have compassion for your mom and you will be there for her. I hope that all goes well for everyone else. Your sons were raised by good parents! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Today my sister thanked me for offering to pitch in (me driving over 6 hours in one day day for a half hour medical appointment) because she was feeling so torn about her families "need" to have her at the lake house and my mom's needs. When I said that no one knows better than me what it feels like to be torn she told me I shouldn't let son #2 make me feel guilty about missing his birthday and college orientation or son #3 about being the only kid on the team with no parent at his game (all the other kids have 2 parents and several have grandparents coming). Trying, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and it sucks. This part from your sister just made me gasp...saying your sons shouldn't make you feel guilty, yet here she is doing it. She clearly doesn't have perspective and I find it difficult to have empathy for her because she doesn't have time to enjoy being at the lake. That said, I hear you. I've had to deal with parental health issues and being let down by siblings who just don't get how life is much more difficult for us without our support system. You're giving your sister a lot more credit than I think she deserves. For all the reasons you stated, she should take on more and you should not feel guilty about that. I get it, it took a lot for me to realize it was okay that things were not equal. It is okay to be a bit selfish and put your sons first. I hope you can work it out and can make your son's orientation. Figure out your priorities and then let each person know that, although you're trying to be super woman, you can't do it all and then let them know what you need from each of them. I know, easier said than done... I wish you luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Trying, You can't do it all. Nobody can. You don't have to apologize for yourself. In my experience, the longer I've been doing it alone (seemingly swell), the more people expect I've got everything handled. They have no idea how hard it is, and frankly they don't want to know. There is a program called Road to Recovery through the American Cancer Society that provides free transportation for cancer patients to their appointments; perhaps they may be able to help out. hugs, abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I have to put her out of my mind because when I spoke to my mom today she was in tears so I need to go be with her and everything else doesn't matter. You have been on my mind. I know first hand how scary cancer can be. I've been to all but my first oncology appointments by myself. (I went to my first oncologist with a fellow wid from out-of-state who drove to be with me. Yeah...that's how great wids can be!) Your mom needs you and you know it. Hugs to you and to your selfless sons. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 Just want to share a positive note after all of you were so kind in listening to my ranting. My youngest son (12) offered today to skip his final baseball game Saturday and go with me to my mom's Friday which will save me 6 hours of driving back to get him to turn around and go to the shore. My mom was thrilled because he is the youngest grandchild by 6 years and they enjoy each other so much and now we will spend an overnight with her too. Karma rewarded him because later today after his selfless offer, DHs best friend offered to take him with their family for a week in the Outer Banks later in August. Feeling much more gratitude and less stress this evening. Thank you so much for being my safe place to vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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