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rejection for a widow


shelly
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this is my first post here.

I have been a widow for the last 2.3 years. my husband died of cancer after struggling for 8 years.

he left me pregnant(my beautiful girl now) and with our 8 years old girl.

I am only 30 and its been a very very difficult decade.

 

Half a year ago I met someone. In our society its hard for a widow to remarried. He was single, no kids, and 2 years younger than me.

 

we were friend for sometimes, I even tried to set him with a girl I knew. Then a good friend who knew about my feelings tried to get us together.

 

It was so humiliting. He was so embarced, I was too, at the end, I got rejected. He couldnt hanle the responsebilty of the kids. Im not even sure he knows how I feel since I hurried up to cover it up as a joke. I feel so broken. I have never been rejected in my life. My husband was my first and only love.

Since his death I have been to some dates but nothing serious. Now I feel broken again. Did something similiar happened to you? How to get over this horrible feeling? This feelings of humiliton, rejection, lonliness are all mixed up. please some advice

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Hey Shelly. Welcome!

When my mother found out I was looking to date, she tried to set me up with someone she met. It never got to the first date, but I'm quite sure it was the whole, "Widower with kids" that was the issue.

 

I decided to do the online dating thing, mostly because it put my "widower with kids" status out in front. That way they could "reject" me without me even knowing, or they could choose to embrace it.

 

You want someone who is going to accept you and your kids for who you are, it doesn't sound like this guy deserves the privilege of your time.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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I have found myself very emotionally affected by things that I did not anticipate or that I wasn't as easily upset by before DH's death.  I had thought it would be the opposite, that nothing could hurt me now, that my soul is made of steel, and it's surprising to be so sensitive now.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt.  Does it make it any better that it's not that he doesn't like you, but that he can't handle responsibility?  Makes him a bit less likable maybe?  And doesn't mean he didn't find you likable?  Sending you love and I hope your bruises don't last too long. 

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I'm with Mizpah on the whole I thought I'd be so much tougher given I'd been thru such heartache. Come to find out, I'm much more vulnerable and sensitive now and don't handle heartache after heartache very well at all.  I got my nose smacked good.  But in time, it did get better and those feelings of rejection and hurt slowly started to fade away. 

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I am sorry you had to go through this. I hope this doesn't sound cliche but try not to take his behavior personally. It is really only telling about his maturity level.

 

One thing i can say is my ch2 had previously dated for five years a widow with four kids. For him, I think he got to feel like the hero in the situation.....filling a father role for kids who lost one. I know there are other men wired like that. And there are others who just won't be bothered by It.

 

But yes, our culture is weird about widows.....2nd we are bound to run into people who just can't put themselves in our positions.

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thank you. I have got a new prespective I havent consider before.

I told myself at the beginning I wouldnt let anyone who couldnt accept my girls near my heart,

but I guess its not something you can control.

Also it seems I havent explained it all.

Our families are close but not so much.

When I started hanging around I became close to his mother, sister and in laws.

Now its all tangled up. I am not even sure if he told them about it, but I am afraid:

I am afraid they now look at me like an outsider who tried to sneak in or just pity me, or will feel ashamed or just akawrd, that his mother - which I had

long meaningfull coverstions with, will think I only got close to her beacuse of her son, or will feel bad

beacuse her son refuse me or I dont know what!

man, like I dont have enough on my plate :'(

Do any of you have an ideat how I should react with them?

Should I keep in touch or try to drift away slowly? act as usual and respond to the matter like a misunderstanding?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Shelley, I could understand that putting your children first and foremost is key in starting up a new relationship.  For me if something didn't go the way I wanted, it was like a blessing in disguise.  I do believe there is someone out there for everyone.  If you are patient, keep your eyes and your ears open you never know.  Of course, listen with your heart and your gut helps too.  I have a motto "for every negative aspect in our life comes a positive solution."  Read on for what I mean. 

 

After 6+ years of widowhood I decided to try dating again.  I tried online dating.  What an educational experience that was.  Putting that word out there, widow conjured up all kinds of people crawling out.  Turned out to be mostly scammers.  Had no idea.  However, none of my family members or friends had anyone that I could meet.  Might have been I was with my husband 27 years, 22 of them married more than half my life when he passed.  Or that maybe they couldn't or didn't want me to be with anyone again. 

 

I set up a date with one guy.  As soon as he stepped out of his vehicle I knew right off it wouldn't work.  He lit up a cigarette which for me was a deal breaker.  My husband had died from lung cancer.  Yes he did smoke. 

 

After a couple of other one time dates I felt like there was no one out there for me.  Finally I started to chat with this one guy who lived closer to my home.  We exchanged cell numbers and talked.  But then I could only reach him via the dating site's IM.  When I started to ask when we were going to meet he got evasive.  He thought I was interested in his money.  Where he got that idea I will never know.  But at the same time we were conversing this other guy "winked" at me.  When the other guy seemed to be a lost cause, I told him he wouldn't have to worry about me hanging around anymore. 

 

So I struck up the conversations with the guy who "winked" at me.  After a month he asked me when we were going to meet.  I was very hesitant as I had no idea we would even meet.  I suggested this coffee shop closer to his home.  I figured if it didn't work out I would not worry about running into him again.  Our 3 hour coffee date turned into a date later that evening.  He invited me to a baseball game.  There I met his daughter and her boyfriend, his granddaughter and grandson and even his ex-wife.  After the ballgame we went back to this bar where he asked me out the following weekend.  I asked my best friend and her husband to join us.  They all hit it off.  Later that night we went to the restaurant for dessert where my daughter worked at.  The new guy and my daughter hit off. 

 

He has met all of my siblings and they all have told me I got lucky.  Because I was hesitant to originally meet him, I was still trying to meet up with the previous guy, he told me he would be patient.  I look back now and think he must have known something I didn't. 

 

In August it has been 3 years since we met.  Our relationship for almost 3 years was mostly weekends during the winter months.  His job was 6 days a week.  From mid January to mid November his schedule was every Saturday off and then every other Friday AND Saturday off.  Now this past May he retired.  The end of July he moved in with me.  It is a major adjustment as my my husband passed away 9 1/2 years ago.  My daughter moved out less than 2 years after her dad passed, so I was an empty nester.  Now to have a new "roommate" is so strange now.  But luckily, we have so much going for us.  We both love each other.  Our families and friends are happy for us.  One other thing his last wife passed away from breast cancer over a year before we met.  So talking about our spouses is not difficult.  If I had to start a new relationship it maybe hard if my partner was not widowed.  If he wasn't he would have to accept that I will always love and miss my husband.  But for us now we both know what we had and what we have now.

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Guest nonesuch

Someone who doesn't want to raise kids isn't rejecting YOU.  I never wanted children either, and if Late Husband had had custody of his daughter, I might never have dated him.  If you think about it, in the coming years, YOU may reject people, too.  They won't be parent material for your girls. They may have an alcohol/drug problem, or may not manage money well. 

 

For me it was different because even as a young woman, I did not have a lot of success dating. Socially, I was kind of awkward. I was skinny and flat-chested. I married a man who like that type, but I'm here so of course, he's gone.

 

In the 25 years since I was single, society in general has gotten less civil and polite.  Where once people would politely sit through a blind date, now some don't show up at all, or look a date up and down and drive off because the date didn't meet their standard of beauty.

 

When I started dating, I was stunned at the number of men who wanted much younger women - There are, in my neck of the woods, a lot of men in their 60s who want partners no older than their mid-forties. I was discouraged. I figured at 54, my chances of having another love were slim.  I decided that I needed to make a Chapter 2 for myself, whether it was with a man or not, and kept at it.  When I met New Beau, we liked one another right off.  We were cautious about declaring undying love for one another.  That took several months.  It's been over three years that we've been together.

 

I sort of adopted the philosophy of:  I'm going to try and get out there and meet someone.  Even if I never do, I'll have the experience of meeting new people and doing new things.  Even if a date went badly, I considered it practice for when Mr. Right came along. 

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I sort of adopted the philosophy of:  I'm going to try and get out there and meet someone.  Even if I never do, I'll have the experience of meeting new people and doing new things.  Even if a date went badly, I considered it practice for when Mr. Right came along.

 

 

I love this philosophy - it's perfect!

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

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I sort of adopted the philosophy of:  I'm going to try and get out there and meet someone.  Even if I never do, I'll have the experience of meeting new people and doing new things.  Even if a date went badly, I considered it practice for when Mr. Right came along.

 

 

I love this philosophy - it's perfect!

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

Exactly!

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