New here, 11 weeks of hell

[geminigirl]

Okay, so here it goes, this is my story, I'm 39 years old my husband died 11 weeks ago in a work related accident, he was 42. We were together for almost 13 years and have a two year old daughter. She's his only child. I have another daughter from a previous relationship. L helped me raise her. She was only 9 when we met.

 

My whole life has been shattered. L was my best friend, my world, my absolute everything. These past 11 weeks have been agony. I feel hopeless, overwhelmed, terrified, heartbroken and lonely. I just miss him and want my life back. Some days are a little better than others. The weekends are the worst.

 

My heart breaks for our daughter. My husband was an amazing father and loved our daughter so much. I hate my new life and want to wake up from this nightmare. If it weren't for my little one I would have ended my life the first night but because of her I have to go on.

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now. I feel like my entire future has been taken from me. I go through the motions of the day but I feel dead inside. He was my soul mate. I'm trying to hang on but each day I feel worse. I just want him to come home.

[canadiangirl]

geminigirl, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  I hear your heartbreak and I get it, although I had warning, having lost my husband to cancer.  For those families with children, the children are also robbed.  We fashion a different life, but before we can even contemplate that, we can only take it one day, one hour, one minute in the early days.  It's normal.  You are not alone.  Keep going.  Thinking of you. 

[Mizpah]

Oh, gg, it's a terrible terrible feeling.  Your life HAS been shattered, and your present and future feel like a black hole of despair and hopelessness and who even cares because he's gone and how can any of this possibly be?  We've all been there and are walking with you.  You won't always feel this way.  The heavy unbearable feeling will gradually lift over time and you will be able to breathe and think without your stomach and your soul seizing up.  Your life will very very gradually begin not to feel so much like an emotional torture chamber.  For now, I wouldn't pressure yourself with anything other than just surviving.  I wouldn't look too far into the future.  All of that is for later, when everything is less painful.  (I too lost mine extremely suddenly and was horribly traumatized.)  Any way you can get into therapy?  You feel your future has been taken from you, and it has.  That's part of what you are mourning.  A new one will have to be rebuilt/reenvisioned.  But that's for another time.  Now is for survival and soothing.  I'm thinking of you. 

[geminigirl]

Thanks for responding. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I feel like I'm falling a part. I'm functioning because I have a toddler to take care of but inside I'm a mess. I hardly have any help with my daughter and I'm so overwhelmed doing everything by myself.

 

I went to a grief support center a few times but I don't think I'm going back. I actually went to a widows support group this week and I felt like a total outcast there. All of the women were much older than me and have been widowed for many years already. They were sitting around talking about their cats and gardens and I just wanted to scream and run away. I don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore.

 

I just feel so hopeless and I hate feeling this way. I know I need to accept that this is my life now but I'm not ready to let go of my husband. Part of me thinks that he's still coming home. I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for him and I can't move on. It's just unfair and I'm mad.

[Wheelerswife]

geminigirl,

 

I'm sorry you had to join us.  Yes...life is unfair and you have every right to feel mad.  My first reaction to my second husband's death was anger, too.  He should not have died.  He had too much more to do in his life.

 

I don't have a young widow/widower support group where I live now, either.  But this place is here...and you are now amongst people who get it.  Someone somewhere will relate to the same kinds of experiences and feelings that you have.  I hope that you will find connection to some others here who are in the same time frame or who face similar struggles.  For you...and for others who have recently joined...don't be afraid to reach out to any of us if you feel the urge.  There is a lot of experience here on this board, and different perspectives as well. 

 

Keep breathing and drinking water and sleeping as well as you can.  Post to your heart's content.  We get it.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[SemperFidelis]

Ugh, I am sorry about your bad experience with the support group(not to mention your loss).... How frustrating to seek support and not find it.

 

I also know what you mean about people praising you for doing so well. I heard the same line. It can feel sort of invalidating or insulting.

 

I am of the thought process that you do not need to "accept" it right away....whatever that means. You can only move at the rate you are moving at. I lost my husband suddenly also, and it's no easy transition.....

[Rayspumpkin]

Welcome to the hardest journey, but you've found an oasis here. I've never found a more honest, supportive, & understanding group anywhere. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. Best wishes on your journey.

[geminigirl]

Ugh, I am sorry about your bad experience with the support group(not to mention your loss).... How frustrating to seek support and not find it.

 

I also know what you mean about people praising you for doing so well. I heard the same line. It can feel sort of invalidating or insulting.

 

I am of the thought process that you do not need to "accept" it right away....whatever that means. You can only move at the rate you are moving at. I lost my husband suddenly also, and it's no easy transition.....

 

I think people want to believe I'm doing well that way they don't have to feel guilty for not being there for me. If I'm fine everyone can move on with their lives and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. I just feel like no one in my real life understands what I'm going through and I'm all alone and it sucks.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I found this site a few weeks ago and I've been reading everyone's stories and I know that everyone here does know how I feel.

 

[SemperFidelis]

Ugh, I am sorry about your bad experience with the support group(not to mention your loss).... How frustrating to seek support and not find it.

 

I also know what you mean about people praising you for doing so well. I heard the same line. It can feel sort of invalidating or insulting.

 

I am of the thought process that you do not need to "accept" it right away....whatever that means. You can only move at the rate you are moving at. I lost my husband suddenly also, and it's no easy transition.....

 

I think people want to believe I'm doing well that way they don't have to feel guilty for not being there for me. If I'm fine everyone can move on with their lives and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. I just feel like no one in my real life understands what I'm going through and I'm all alone and it sucks.

 

 

 

Yeah, unfortunately I think you are right. Its just a way for people to relieve themselves of responsibility and make themselves feel better in an uncomfortable situation. I think it's the same thing when people ask "how are you doing?" or "are you doing okay?" because they dont want a real answer....just a lie so they can go back to bitching about their own trivial issues.

[geminigirl]

I hate Saturdays! L used to work half days on Saturday and get home around 1. We would normally go out to lunch then take the baby to the park. It's 1:45 now and I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for him to come home. I don't want to go anywhere by myself and I don't have anyone to do things with. Eventually I know I need to get used to doing things on my own but I'm not there yet.

 

I feel bad for my daughter because all we do now is sit in the house and watch cartoons most of the day. I can't take her to the parks that I went to with my husband because it's too painful. I hate the park now. I hate seeing all those happy families and all those kids with their dads. I feel like a shitty mom. My daughter deserves a better life and I feel like I'm letting my husband down.

 

I just miss being with him. I miss my best friend.

[Tatianakm]

Oh, geminigirl, I think all of us have a "favorite" day of the week, sarcastically speaking. Mine is Monday, my baby was born on Monday AM, so it usually starts upbeat, but my husband also died on Monday, late PM, so I finish pretty low.

 

I get it about not wanting to go to the park and feeling like wanting to check out completely. We also went to the park for a walk quite often, first when I was pregnant; my husband, always full of energy, used to, as he called it, "walk me". Then when the baby was born it was a part of a daily routine; i did not even know how to unfold the stroller, was his "job" to set it up. I remember struggling with it in front of a funeral parlor when i took the baby to say goodbye, being angry with myself and feeling ashamed, that I never bothered even to take a look at how he did it.   

 

I forced myself to get up every day and drive to the park with the baby, to give her some fresh air, limiting the walks first to 20 min.- all I could stomach at the moment, walking and crying at the same time- thankfully under sunglasses no one could see. Then my limit was increasing and the fresh air and physical activity were doing it's magic. You never really get desensitized to seeing complete families strolling alongside, but I no longer sob uncontrollably when I pass them. Give it a try, for your girl, you will have a new routine, just the two of you, that special time to share together. It will get better, I promise.

 

Hugs to you and your sweet girl.

[geminigirl]

I'm moving in a few weeks so I'm hoping being in a new house and a new neighborhood will help me get motivated to get out more. There's a large park down the street from the new house so I plan I taking her there often once we move. It's just so hard going to places that we used to go to as a family. We took the baby out a lot so there really isn't anywhere I can take her that we haven't been to already when there were three of us.

 

I guess I need to just suck it up and get out more. I do take her out now just not as much as I should (unless you count Wal-Mart.)