Kids and relationships

[imissdow]

I just recently started dating B. He lives about 1 1/2-2 hours away. I've known him for maybe 3 years. He's very serious about having a relationship. We talk every day and have spent most of the last couple of weekends together with my kids in a family type situation.

So over the last 3 days every kid has made some sort of comment/had a meltdown over this whole situation. They have all had some version of the same problem. We are afraid that B is going to take you away from us. Not physically but my attention and time. B has no problems spends my time with my girls. He has told me several times that anything he invites me to the girls are welcome to come as well. He has also said he is happy to drive up to my house to be with us. I've told my middle DD that I'm not making any changes in our living situation untill she graduates high school (she is starting her senior year). I don't talk on the phone with him untill evening usally when the youngest is in bed. The older 2 have jobs and are often working at that time.

So any suggestions on how to deal with all of this? How to balance the kids with a boyfriend who lives out of state?  I have told both kids I'm not going anywhere. That is I drive down to visit him they will be welcome to come. He is driving up tomorrow to spend the day with us. I declined a invite to go see him today because we have gone the last 2 weekends and everyone was really tired and had a lot of stuff to catch up on.  I know if I handle it right then in time they will get used to it however in the present its a rather upsetting and painful issue.  The middle DD told me she doesn't want a new dad. I told her he wouldn't be one and asked if she thought she needed one.

[SoVerySad]

imissdow,

 

I have absolutely no actual experience to base this on, but I have met your wonderful girls. It is clear that you are very close with your kids. I'm guessing that they worry about losing their closeness with you after already having lost your husband. I think the best thing is to just show them they aren't losing you. You can tell them and they might not believe it. With time, you can show them that while you are adding a new person into your lives which is important for you to have, he isn't going to take all your time away from them. Once they see that isn't what is going to happen, then I think they'll feel better. I would imagine it is normal to expect some out of the norm reactions as it is another change for you all.

 

Congratulations! I hope it all works out for the best for you all! Hope to see you next month.

 

Hugs...

[Taurus]

A couple of Saturdays back, I told my two girls that I was going out to dinner with a friend and that I would love for them to join us. They both declined but asked about my friend, so I filled them in on who she was how I knew her, how old she was, etc etc etc. Then the questions continued, has she any children, was she married, where is her husband....long story short, I told them some of their questions would be best answered by my friend. So they went to the movies and I went to dinner...

 

As luck would have it, we were walking through the mall to a bar when we ran into my 2 daughters (26 and 15). Introductions completed, they were nice and polite enough to my friend, but there was an unmistakable coolness in their attitude so we parted and they reminded me to be home early as we were going to a netball game in the morning - as if I needed reminding!

 

Turns out the coolness was the shock of how much my friend reminded them of my soulmate/their mum. I assured them that there was unlikely to be any romatic relationship with my friend, she knows it and we're just happy to be very close friends. Who knows what the future might bring...but for the time being, peace has been restored and we're all going skiing in 3 weeks..

[patswife22]

I can't give any advice in how you should handle your situation as each new relationship is unique.  My daughter was 19 when her dad passed.  They were close.  She moved out about a year after he passed.  So basically I was alone alot.  Eventually she told me she didn't want me to be alone.  My husband and I were married 22 years; together for 27 years.  More than half my life when he passed.  Like at that time that was what I wanted.  Have someone new.  I eventually decided after 6 years of this journey of Hell on Earth I needed to do something to get me out of the rut I was in. 

 

I tried online dating.  OMG, that was frightening.  Scammers, weirdos, creeps.  Had absolutely NO idea scammers were out there.  Anyway, eventually I chatted with this one guy.  After a month of online chatting he asked me when would we meet.  To make a long story our 3 hour coffee date has turned out to be a full fledge relationship.  He recently moved in with me.  This past Mother's Day my daughter gave me a Mother's Day card that brought me to tears.  In it she told me she was happy that I found someone to make me happy.  Luckily, she and the new guy hit it off right from the start.  Always greets him with a hug and her fantastic smile.  Eventually the new guy and I plan on selling our places and ride off into the sunset in our RV and see what else the good Lord can show us.  It also helps with the relationship that he is widowed as he gets it.  So no problem talking about our spouses without any competition.

 

As each of us handle our journey of widowhood, someone is not always going to be happy.  But for me it took alot of patience.  We all need to do what we need for US.  For me I come first.  If I'm not taking care of myself I'm no good for anyone else.  This includes my daughter, other family members, friends and of course, the new guy.  By the way in a few days it will be 3 years and one month since I met this fantastic guy who brings a smile to my face everyday.  Actually we don't count years.  We count months so each month on the 20th we say "Happy Anniversary" to each other with a smile and a kiss. 

[Trying]

It's taken my kids a long time to adjust to me having a boyfriend, and I guess they are still adjusting.  It is very painful to be torn between my kids needs and my own.  My older two are barely around and my youngest who really is the most impacted has been the most accepting.  I admit I have handled some situations poorly because of the older twos very strong initial reaction but the best thing has just been time.  I very, very slowly started integrating him into our lives.  Initially I would meet him out for dates or we would go to his place, we would only talk on the phone after I had gone to my room to bed at night.  Gradually he would pick me up for a date with just a brief hello and slowly he started spending more and more time here.  I never forced them to spend time with him but eventually they were watching a football game or eating dinner with us. 

 

While I don't think we should allow our children to dictate our lives I do believe in honoring how difficult it is for them and being respectful of their feelings.  I think that most children (and young adults) are very self centered by nature and have trouble seeing their parents as real people and their emotions can vary day to day.

 

It is painful and difficult and I can only hope it gets easier and easier over time for all of us. 

[MrsDan]

I don't have any experience with this either since DD was only three months old when her father died. I actually have kind of the opposite problem as I sense she wants someone in that role to a degree (although she's never said new dad). I think your kids are old enough to understand that at some point they will go off into  the world and you will be alone. How you communicate that to them depends on their personalities. Maybe it's weaving heart to hearts about it into daily conversations, maybe it's flat out telling them that when they get married, you'll be moving in with them. You know, since they intend on being the source of your companionship forever. I feel like it's a process. Sometimes people need to hear  things over and over or from different people before they click. Do they have any aunts or uncles, or friends of yours that they trust who could give you some back up in reassuring them?

[calimom]

Maybe just pump the brakes on this one a bit for now? This is a pretty new relationship for you and the idea that this dude just shows up on weekends and wants to slip into the daddy role is a bit much for all the kids? Your older kids still have a living father, yes? And you've had a number of hits and misses with New Guys in the recent past so maybe just letting this new friendship take hold a bit before this guy showing up and sitting in front of the TV every weekend.

 

Can you meet him somewhere outside the house? Have some fun that doesn't include the kids? There are lots of things to do. Good for you, good for them. Go easy on everyone. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

[Guest Justme2]

I think this would have a huge bearing on the age of the children. I probably couldn't add to the topic other than to say my children are wayy adults now. I could imagine younger children being apprehensive, especially if you've only known this man a short while. Me, I am all for getting to know someone, especially someone of romantic interest, a while before introducing that person to my children, but as a somewhat older widower guy, I think my kids right now could care little.