Loss of the mother ship

[anniegirl]

Sugarbell, maintaining a website like does have some cost associated with it. Domain names and hosting sites cost a little or a lot depending on size and the functions. There is a donate button on Widda's main page to help contribute with those yearly fees.

 

YWBB had non-profit status so there was IRS paperwork yearly.

 

I agree that people burn out. That's why it's a good idea for ventures like this to have a plan for handing things over.

 

I don't think that the professional widows planned to become professionals but like their predecessors in the "from pain/trauma springs careers", they just stumbled in, found that they liked it and went from there.

 

Some of them are decent people. Some of them are not.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens with Soaring Spirits because they are in the process of "rebranding", which is the next step up on the commercialism trail. My guess is that not all the pro's are going to be making the next jump and the fall out will be interesting too.

 

I know the Camp Widow founders and shuddered right from the get-go. It was small at first but it was obvious that it could to grow into something that is as helpful as it is alienating and that it would eventual separate the haves from the have nots in a way that just adds insult to the overall unfairness of widowhood because the reality is that in order to be allowed to truly participate in the Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits experience - you have to fit the mold. I am anti-mold.

 

The board was always Lauren's baby and she made the rules. She tired of it of it long ago but hung onto it because it was hers. She closed it because it was hers. And since she's never been one to explain herself in the past that fact that she didn't now is consistent.

 

She knows how it impacted people.

[Lisa]

There are some costs associated with having a site up. There is a donate button up top right if you want to know more There is no 501c3 IRS complications here.

We have people who care and are planning for succession.  I feel good about this place. I guess I am still a little angry. Especially when I see my friends hurting.

I'm anti mold too @anniegirl.  Your explanation is inline with my intuition about all this.

[Sugarbell]

Y'all in no way was I thinking Widda.org would end up leaving abruptly. I have the utmost respect and admiration for the moderators and founders of this site. I just honestly don't understand all the financial stuff.

 

It never crossed my mind to attend the Camps, Seminars, etc. I had 3 tiny kids and if I was going to spend that kind of money-it would be someplace appropriate for all of us...Not widow related (this was my first 2 years into widowhood)

 

There is another group I saw on FB...charging money...more city widows. It's been long enough for me that I look at these groups/sites as an outsider...and me personally think all of it is superficial and rather goofy. Just my opinion. I can fit in anywhere (years in sales I guess forced me too).. but I can only handle so much surface foo foo...I would rather climb a mountain and sleep in a tent. That's my kind of camp or retreat.

[canadiangirl]

Thank you, Bluebird, for a lovely analogy and elegy to the YWBB.  What you and others wrote here really resonated with me.

 

Wheelerswife, I am glad that you wrote to Aunt Lydia founderLauren, and I am sure whatever she responded with was not going to cut it, because as anniegirl says, she has been consistent.  I am sorry it did not help you, but it helps me to know you represented the views of many former members.  Thank you for that.

 

I feel a sense of shame for the YWBB founders, to have created something so amazing (and I AM grateful) only to let so many people down who relied on it so much at a low point in their lives.  As Trying says, the fundraising explanation makes zero sense in the absence of a fundraising drive.  They were just done, or they are caught up in an audit or legal issue.  Whatever.  They tainted their YWBB legacy by first inaction and then this final act.  And I think that's a key part of why it bugs me still  - in a small (tiny) way I became part of something that meant something and it was made less great by something totally out of my control, that was done in a cold way in complete contravention to what the site was trying to achieve. 

 

NOW, I am proud to be on this ship with the people who decided to come along for the ride and lend their support to me and others.  It is already a better place, which is important when many of us still stand in an emotional landscape that looks something like a ruined city in a war zone.  We are once again part of something that means something.  Like sugarbell,  I 100% trust that the people in charge of widda.org, who are not being paid, and who for this reason and others more personal will obviously not be able to do this forever themselves, will not leave this new ship untethered when they decide to go. 

[Bluebird]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. I honestly thought the "mothership" analogy might not resonate but I wanted to share the feelings I had, and that is what this place is for.

 

I also wanted to comment on the implications of a 501c3 and "Professional Widow" service provider. Before I do, I want to disclose that I am independent consultant, and I'm currently working for another widow/er oriented nonprofit, that was started by someone that I think might qualify as a professional widow as I've seen it defined here.

 

In my first hand experience of working behind the nonprofit scenes, I can say that the heart of our Founder is firmly in the right place. Her hopes and aspirations come from a deep desire to help others in their journey survive their losses and live a meaning-filled life. My sense is that this is also true of her peers. 501c3's have strict rules preventing the financial benefit of the founders and board. In our case, the founders receive no payment at all.

 

The founder also has a "for profit" business that includes widowed people, but is not exclusively provided to widowed people. Some might say that she is cashing in on her widowhood. My perception is that the widowed who participate, really love the idea that a widow leads the business. Some would be absolutely turned off by this concept...and I'm certain they will exercise their choice not to participate. I guess my point here is different strokes for different folks. My personal view is that if some life experience has shaped your calling into a field, then absolutely you should go for it! As long as you are ethical and qualified....i can't think of anything better.

 

The experience of the loss of YWBB and then seeing the amazing effort that has gone into getting widda.org off the ground has shown me that it's a HUGE responsibility. To ensure quality of the board, I think we should have a diverse pool of moderators and that they should be rotated at routine intervals. To help ensure the board is durable over the long haul, I think the founder may want to consider starting a board of directors (volunteers) and perhaps rotate them over time too. Finally, if we do get to a place where sustainability is a problem for the founder or board, I hope that the options considered are not just fundraise or perish, but instead that we might seek to transition the very valuable asset that the message board is to a new provider, keeping the asset intact. 501c3's cannot be sold, but their assets (cash and other assets such as services provided) by law need to be transferred to another provider who is providing similar services.

 

 

 

Take care, Bluebird

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank you Bluebird for your explanation because it was very insiteful for me. I think some process needs to be established to ensure what happened to YWBB isn't repeated.  Not saying it will be, but I think of the saying that ' the road to hell are paved with good intentions', efforts time and life changes obviously changed YWBB, maybe we could establish a way it doesn't happen with Widda.org.

Needless to say I am so grateful to all the efforts of the people who made widda.org happen.  To me you are our wid angels

Hugs.

[mokie]

I'm one that, other than going back to YWBB and reading the closing notice, decided not to go back any more.  No re-reading topics, no copying my posts, nothing.  It was done, nothing to change about that.  I guess the realist in me decided that since there was nothing to be done, I wouldn't waste time getting mad or sad about it. 

 

I am a little sad though... Sad that the place that taught me to live again was gone... All those words I poured out... To get help, to hopefully give help... were gone.  But everything I gained from YWBB is still with me.  I still have all the amazing friends I met there, I still have the hopeful outlook for life that I rediscovered there, I still have my wonderful husband that I met through that place... It's all with me, and I am not the broken creature anymore that I was when I joined in January of '08, six months after being widowed.

 

Thank you to everyone who chatted with me, who responded to me, who laughed with me in the "Bistro", who told ridiculous jokes and posted hilarious pictures, and taught me to laugh again.  YWBB was made up of the people who inhabited it, and if we're all here, then that spirit is still alive.

[Wheelerswife]

I But everything I gained from YWBB is still with me. 

 

If only this were true...

 

Maureen

[Bluebird]

I But everything I gained from YWBB is still with me. 

 

If only this were true...

 

Maureen

 

Maureen, I "liked" your post to empathize, not because I think the pain you feel is good. Hugs hon.

[MrsDan]

For me, the biggest thing that signifies a professional widow is complete self absorption. It's all about how they overcame this great trauma, and they are so amazing that they have all the answers that they simply must share. People like a good underdog story, and professional widows capitalize on that. They do a great disservice to other grieving widows because they promulgate the false notion that there is a finish line to this, a point at which life is whole and even better having overcome this tragedy. In other words they perpetuate the myth that non widows cling to that this is something you get over. It's all about them, and seems to have very little, if anything to do with their late spouses. My widowhood isn't about me; it's about Dan.

 

I do have a friend that is writing a book, and yes it is self published and yes she fundraised for it. I do not consider her a professional widow. For a lot of reasons, but primarily because she remains an active and real participant in the support groups of which she is a member. Unlike others who pop in using their professional profiles with their slick headshots only to post links to their blogs about phoenixes rising from the ashes. She does post her blog, but there is a lot of turmoil and pain there and above all the presence of her husband. It's about their relationship, not just her but them. And while she does share her writings she also responds to people's posts, remains engaged in the communities. Will that change? Who knows. I hope not, and knowing her as I do I have a hard time picturing it. I'm so sick of seeing people only post their blogs and I'm like um who are you again and why should I give a shit about your opinions? You don't contribute to this community in any meaningful way but your blog is supposed to have meaning for me? Fuck off.

 

Founding a nonprofit is a little like having a child. People create it, mold it, feel dedicated to it, and eventually launch it out on it's own to grow and benefit from the larger world. A truly healthy and ethically run nonprofit is never dictated by the egos or affectations of its founders or longtime contributors. Unfortunately, that is often what happens in nonprofits. People develop a possessiveness that has no place in public service. That seems to be what happened with YWBB.

 

The Camp Widow thing, you know it's just not for me. I like the idea of coming together with people who get it. But that phoenix from the ashes theme seems so prevalent, and I can't relate to that at all. They also serve alcohol, and that shoves it right off the table for me. I can't be around it. I have little experience with SSLF outside of Widowed Village, which I participated in for a bit but it just didn't work. It is too slick and the way it's set up to be so fragmented make it hard for it to be the type of community YWBB was and this successor group is now. That's one reason I'm against having a lot of subcategories her, I have seen it be detrimental there.

[Sugarbell]

For me, the biggest thing that signifies a professional widow is complete self absorption. It's all about how they overcame this great trauma, and they are so amazing that they have all the answers that they simply must share. People like a good underdog story, and professional widows capitalize on that. They do a great disservice to other grieving widows because they promulgate the false notion that there is a finish line to this, a point at which life is whole and even better having overcome this tragedy. In other words they perpetuate the myth that non widows cling to that this is something you get over. It's all about them, and seems to have very little, if anything to do with their late spouses. My widowhood isn't about me; it's about Dan. 

 

I do have a friend that is writing a book, and yes it is self published and yes she fundraised for it. I do not consider her a professional widow. For a lot of reasons, but primarily because she remains an active and real participant in the support groups of which she is a member. Unlike others who pop in using their professional profiles with their slick headshots only to post links to their blogs about phoenixes rising from the ashes. She does post her blog, but there is a lot of turmoil and pain there and above all the presence of her husband. It's about their relationship, not just her but them. And while she does share her writings she also responds to people's posts, remains engaged in the communities. Will that change? Who knows. I hope not, and knowing her as I do I have a hard time picturing it. I'm so sick of seeing people only post their blogs and I'm like um who are you again and why should I give a shit about your opinions? You don't contribute to this community in any meaningful way but your blog is supposed to have meaning for me? Fuck off.

 

Founding a nonprofit is a little like having a child. People create it, mold it, feel dedicated to it, and eventually launch it out on it's own to grow and benefit from the larger world. A truly healthy and ethically run nonprofit is never dictated by the egos or affectations of its founders or longtime contributors. Unfortunately, that is often what happens in nonprofits. People develop a possessiveness that has no place in public service. That seems to be what happened with YWBB.

 

The Camp Widow thing, you know it's just not for me. I like the idea of coming together with people who get it. But that phoenix from the ashes theme seems so prevalent, and I can't relate to that at all. They also serve alcohol, and that shoves it right off the table for me. I can't be around it. I have little experience with SSLF outside of Widowed Village, which I participated in for a bit but it just didn't work. It is too slick and the way it's set up to be so fragmented make it hard for it to be the type of community YWBB was and this successor group is now. That's one reason I'm against having a lot of subcategories her, I have seen it be detrimental there.

 

Yes Mrs, Dan you nailed it...especially your first paragraph is regards to self absorption. There is so much I could add...with specifics....but won't for the sake of Widda.org.

 

Since being widowed in 2007/2008....This stuff has just exploded.

 

But I am grateful for ywbb for many years and now grateful for Widda. Org. Keeping it real.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Loved your post MrsDan - think the way you articulated the difference between widows out to make a difference (yet still have a meaningful business, which I don't begrudge them) vs those out to propagate a narrative as part of their branding is spot on. 

 

But damn, I am going to have to find another avatar.

 

But that phoenix from the ashes theme seems so prevalent, and I can't relate to that at all.

[MrsDan]

Loved your post MrsDan - think the way you articulated the difference between widows out to make a difference (yet still have a meaningful business, which I don't begrudge them) vs those out to propagate a narrative as part of their branding is spot on. 

 

But damn, I am going to have to find another avatar.

 

But that phoenix from the ashes theme seems so prevalent, and I can't relate to that at all.

Aww shit it was not my intent to offend one of my favorite aids. I was using it as a kind of shorthand (I was writing it at work on my way out the door). I do think it is a good metaphor helpful to many. But in the professional widow version of the narrative, there is little mention of the fire. No acknowlegment of the singed feathers, or that they will always be there. The many crashes and burns that will come again and again. And while it's useful to many, it's not for everyone.

 

I'm getting the sense that for many of the veteran aids, the closure of YWBB has foisted a crossroads upon them. It was a place they could go back to, but how do you "go back" to a new place? I understand not wanting to enter a new relationship with a grief community, but in many ways the community is the same, the neighborhood has changed. And even if the buildings and landscapes are stronger, it's still a loss. Like a childhood home, one you don't necessarily want to live in but like knowing it's there to go back to. The newness of this place takes away from that. I do think though this community in this setting has the potential to be the phoenix in that it will rise even stronger. But those flames still burn a bit.

[canadiangirl]

Totally agree with this insight too.  And I was absolutely joking- should've added an emoticon.  No offence taken.  And I probably won't change my avatar- it's a stone carving atop one of the entrances of St. Paul's Cathedral rebuilt after the Great Fire, with the words RESURGAM underneath it.  I think the RESURGAM part is still apt. 

[DonnaP]

 

... YWBB would soon come to feel like home, and I would soon view those posting there as family members. It is very sad that our old family home, our mothership, is no more. And that so much had to be left behind. Hopefully, what we took with us, which is mostly inside, will be enough for the rest of our journey.

 

You have captured it exactly, Wifeless! (as usual)

 

thanks for your words of inspiration.

 

Thanks, everyone, for sticking around, even when the board didn't.

 

HUGS,

Donna

[klc]

Well, it's not the first thing I've lost, or had to walk away from these past five years so in a way I wasn't surprised. Saddened, certainly, and I just didn't have the time to futz with saving stuff. Too distracted by the here and now this month. But many of us decided not to completely lose track of all this, and everyone here.

[Bluebird]

Good point klc, great loss once doesn't protect us from future losses! WHEN am I going to finally accept that?! I guess I have (mostly) I just forget every now and then.

 

Focusing on the here and now is really the best thing we can do.

[DonnaP]

I But everything I gained from YWBB is still with me. 

 

If only this were true...

 

Maureen

 

Maureen, I "liked" your post to empathize, not because I think the pain you feel is good. Hugs hon.

 

Ditto.

HUGS from here too <3