Some days...

[Trying]

For the most part at this point, coming up on 3 years, I am so busy focusing on my kids and managing the day to day operations of life as well as nurturing my chapter 2 relationship.  While I think of DH several times throughout the day it is no longer painful but more wistful most of the time.  The pain and ache is most often associated now with things to do with the kids, good things he is missing and struggles he is not here to help me with. 

 

But some days like today I am hit in the gut with that feeling "how could this possibly be my life, how is it possible he is not here??"  I was struck today by how hard I am working to put my life back together and to make the most of an awful situation that I never chose to be in.  The constant planning, struggling, working towards goals, and looking hard to find the good in my life is exhausting.  And there is plenty of good, really, but it is all so hard fought for.  With DH life had a rhythm that I was comfortable with, our plans were made together over many years, our path and direction were pretty clear.

 

Today I am focused on all that I have lost; my best friend, love and partner of 25 years, our tight traditional family unit, the father of my children, many friends, our social life, our home, our future plans, the chance to someday welcome a grandchild together, the keeper of 25 years of memories, financial security and so many little things.

 

I don't want to dwell on it because I have many good things on the horizon to be grateful for but today I am sad and grieving.

[klim]

Oh I so understand the sentiment you expressed here.

 

The ebb and flow before DH died was so simplistic, now everything and  I mean everything takes so much more thought. And the loss of an organized future..now it's messy and has to be reinvented.

 

I hear ya! ....and sympathize.

[tybec]

Trying,

 

I understand your post.  I have accepted the finality of my situation, but some days, I just want it all back.  How could my life have turned this way?  It was simple, easy and plans and goals were interdependent.  Now just me and my son. 

 

I am dating, and it is not simple. I try to just have fun, but I over think everything.  I wish for the days of my husband, who I knew was dedicated to us, our son, devoted and I trusted 100% and now everything is questionable. 

 

I, like you, have such good fortune in so many ways.  I don't have to struggle with lots others do, and I know children/moms who live and continue to live with much dire situations.  But I still wish for the simple life.... I get it.

[Out_of_the_Blue]

Just want to say that I also understand what you're saying. It's been 8 years for me and I'm proud of how hard I've fought to make some semblance of a life, but today...I'm exhausted from it.

 

I put my ring back on my wedding finger and wore it while shopping. I pretended I had my old life back, that I was a happily married woman again. It was an incredibly comforting feeling. I know it's not true but for those few hours, it was awesome.

[Quiet Storm]

I could have written the exact same thing, except the only difference is I had 20 to your 25. All of the juggling gets to me. I did not choose this life, and I most certainly did not contribute to the situation I am in, but here I am. Why? F if I know.

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, Trying. Some days all you want is just the security and comfort of your old life back. Well, I'm actually still at the point where that is what I want most days. It is hard to accept that can't happen.

 

[Trying]

I'm still having trouble shaking this sadness.  I have so much going on right now with home renovations on the house I bought without him, dropping middle son off for college in 2 days without him, 3 year sadiversary in September, trying to jumpstart new career venture, oldest son still struggling with finding his path.  Things are also progressing with my chapter 2 love and while I am very happy about our plans there is a part of me that is struggling with the idea of being some one else's wife.  I still identify myself as Tim's wife and I'm not sure what to do with that.  It's not something I can really talk about with any one in my real life because they wouldn't understand.

[MrsDan]

I understand. The 4 year anniversary is coming up in October. We're in a stretch of cooler weather right now, and it's triggering. (Also, apparently fall is a BFD in Michigan, which I did not realize before I moved here.). I can feel the anniversary bearing down on me, and it's made me extra weepy lately. I feel like I'm living a double existence. There's the life I had with Dan and the life I've built now. It's weird how much they coexist.

[Shelby]

I just wanted to say that you are understood.

[klim]

Trying you've always been a thinker, a ponderer...at least it seems so in your posts.

I think this is what makes it hard to relish in the pending happiness in your life....but I also do believe all your thinking means you're doing the mental prep so your future will be what you want. You might just take a little longer to settle in to it but once you get there it will feel comfortable.

At least that's what I hope for you.

 

[Trying]

Klim you have me pegged exactly, I think and I think and I over think.  As hard as I try to "live in the moment" I never quite get there.  I dropped son #2 off at college today and as much as I was trying to be happy and excited for him I couldn't stop myself from worrying that he will follow in his older brothers footsteps and drop out.  I don't voice my worries to him but it's the elephant in the room so to speak and I allowed it to stand in the way of me being fully present for him.  I can't stop myself from wondering how different my boys lives would be if Tim was still here.

[tybec]

I can't stop myself from wondering how different my boys lives would be if Tim was still here.

 

I keep having this run through my head as my only son turns 13 in two weeks, living now more than a 3rd of his life with just me as the parent.  I have been so sad about it.  I understand...