Friends and redemption

[RobFTC]

I think many of us have had existing friendships change after our losses.  It's easy to feel hopeless about that, but it's important to know things can change.  So here's my story.

 

We all had a wonderful vacation in Canada in July, with lots of good family and friend contact, including my sister, my niece and nephews, some cousins I hadn't seen for years, and even an old flame.  And all that followed up with some days in my favorite mountains.  It left me thinking, "yeah, this is how life SHOULD be."  I figured that when I got back to Colorado, I could connect with friends and deepen some relationships.  I got specific about plans and listed the people I wanted to reach out to.

 

Cue the crash.  I came back and suggested getting together with a few sets of friends.  I was unable to get the kind of attention I wanted, even accounting for people's travels and general busyness.  It reinforced that feeling I have had for years that I am just in a place I don't belong, and that I should get the hell out of here sooner rather than later.  It sent me into a funk that had me missing Michelle really badly - I think the loneliness was worse than any I have had since she died.  And at my very lowest, it was all too easy to expect I'd be that old guy who dies alone in his house and isn't found for weeks.

 

I know I have at times taken the easy way out in some relationships because I have assumed I would be moving away.  Sometimes, I felt like I was the widowed one who should get a break.  I know that I just never took over the social role Michelle had in our life when she was no longer able to do it.  I know I don't reach out well to people who I care about, or pay enough attention in other ways to keeping relationships healthy.  And I am sensitive to how awkward it can be to be a perpetually single person getting together with another couple.  None of those things are going to be my friend when I do move.

 

I want to move.  I miss Canada, and can't really explain to myself some days why I am still here.  But while plan A is still to move, maybe even by next summer, I need a plan B consisting of "grow where you're planted".  Without close friends, I won't make it.  I need some relationships that don't fit the pattern that they are a priority to me but I don't matter much to them.

 

A wise friend once reminded me of the power of stating the obvious.  I thought that I should confess my failings and needs and see if some of the people I care about might be open to being closer.  Talk about a gut check!  What if they just didn't respond, or had no time for me?  The first message was the hardest, it was to neighbors who were invaluable when Michelle was sick and after.  I closed a note to them with this:

 

"Finally (the serious), I am lonely and am trying to pull some people in closer.  You two, and (two others), are important to me and I would you all to be among those people. I know I haven't been much of a friend - I am trying to find my course notes for "Friendship 101" or re-enroll :-)  I know that just because this would be good for me doesn't mean that anyone else needs to find it so."

 

What I got later that day felt like nothing short of a triumph.  It broke me down entirely (and still tugs tears):

 

"Rob!  This is one of the most amazing notes C and I have gotten, especially  as a couple.  We have always supported you, and will continue to- and as times and people change, so does the kind of support we need.  😊  We take your requests to heart and are here for you!  We have just left for a week in Steamboat for some long awaited R&R.  We want to connect with you when we get back.  We are glad you have reached out."

 

That's been the case a couple of other times now.  The affirmations were so much more than they might have been.  Sometimes it just feels like the losses keep piling up, and it is such good news that sometimes you can actually restore things.  And that it's not too late to grow, to change, to see new ways.

 

May your redemption also be there if you want to seek it.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Wheelerswife]

Okay, Rob, your post brought tears to my eyes. 

 

I know you are a caring person and have all that one needs to be a great friend.  I'm glad you got the response you received from these people!  I know that it is hard to reach out to others.  I had so much support after John died and I know that people still care about me, but we don't see each other like we did.  Maybe I need to get brave, too, and let people know what I need. 

 

Thanks for the push.

 

Maureen

[imissdow]

Love this!! A couple of years ago I was in a really bad place. Being a church member I finally went and talked, cried on my pastor. Thru a series of events ended up in a therapists office. She told me I needed more friends.  I got mad went to a friends house and nicely told her what a idiot my therapist was. Her response floored me. She said, "yes you have plenty of friends but you hold all of us at arms length. Maybe you would consider letting someone in? Everyone assumes your fine because you tell us you are." Fast forward 2 years. They are now 2 of my best friends. We get together for dinner, watch each other's pets and talk about anything.  The first step is scary and sometimes you don't get the answer you hope for but the few that do respond are so totally worth it. Glad I finally let someone it.

Redemption is great.

[mmg19]

This post touched my heart.  Thank you for sharing .  Isn't it amazing how we sometimes put ourselves out there to strangers thinking it is the answer to our loneliness and miss out on the true redemption of friendship and caring in our everyday life is missed.

 

At about 6 months after losing K I was at a very low point in my life and filled with self pity and rejection.  My Dad could take it no longer and firmly said to me "Stop taking all the blessings and kindnesses poured upon you by friends and family for granted".  I expected them to read my mind and act accordingly and when they did not they were DGI's.  Opening up our hearts and breaking down the walls we build made a huge difference in my life. 

 

Your introspection following the joy of family and friends on vacation is so positive.  The reaction of the friends in your own backyard is just what you need to nurture relationships that have been neglected.  Wishing you joy and peace as you move forth in this new plan. 

 

 

[SimiRed]

Rob, so proud of you for taking that huge difficult step to reach out.  I am so overjoyed with the response that you received from your friends!

 

Thank you for showing your vulnerability with how difficult it is to step out of our comfort zones.  All we need to do is take the chance, outside our "comfort zone" could be the thing we least expect but the thing we need the most.

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Rob,

 

It takes a lot of courage to step back into your life as you've done.  My efforts have met with some successes but also one deeply disappointing failure - no apology appears to be sufficient with two of my formerly closest friends so I just had to let it go. 

 

Recently, I have spent a lot of time speaking with another widow about this concept of "re-entering" or re-engaging with life.  I don't want to be where I am either but I am tethered by a job situation that will be hard to replicate anywhere else.  My job is also the place where some of my closest friends are.  I never wanted to live here in the first place, though, but agreed to it as a compromise with Scott.  Being here no longer makes sense but this is what I've got for the time being.  I think I kept people at arm's length because for a long time I simply couldn't cope with "being here" being my life.  Little by little, though, I've tried to embrace parts of it again if only to make life tolerable in the here and now.  The few friends I do maintain relationships with are the people I turn to when I just can't cope with being here.  They always help take the edge off, help keep me steady. 

 

I am delighted that your friends seem to have been waiting in the wings for you.  For all of the losers, there are also a lot of good people out there who either we haven't met yet or who simply didn't know what do to do for us when we were suffering. 

 

No point here, really.  Just want to say that this post made me smile.  Lots of love.

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, Rob! <3

[ladybug]

Rob, first off I love your post.....thank you so very much for sharing.  It gave me tons of ideas for my own life and friendships.

 

I have very few friends, but I think I will put more effort into getting more and being more of a friend myself.

 

Thank you for sharing, it has helped me more than you know....thanks.

[RobFTC]

Thanks for the kind words :-)

 

We got together on my deck tonight, and it was great!  Without our departed neighbors to act as a catalyst, all three sets of people had been a little inactive.  We're better now.  The girls re-engaged, too - they both love these people.  No pictures, though - darn! :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Needytoo]

I am loving this thread. 

 

For awhile I have been thinking about contacting some of my "old" friends and this post is giving me the inspiration to do at least think of what to write in my letter. 

[RobFTC]

Sometimes things work out well 8).  I know sometimes things will be unfixable.

 

I am struggling a little about tomorrow.  A couple I reached out to in July has been acting like they wanted to get together with me since then, but it hasn't happened, which has been disappointing.  They are Exhibit A for people who are a priority for me, but I am not that for them.  It's one of my oldest friendships here - we met when both families were expecting.  Part of it is certainly their chronic overscheduling, but I also wonder if the single-plus-couple feels odd to them, and/or if they're tired at some level of talking to me when I'm not in a great place.  I haven't been willing to "go meta" on them as I did with my neighbors.  The guy and I are on for lunch tomorrow, which I know from the past is his response to feeling like I've been kept waiting too long.  I do appreciate him for that.  I am so unsure what I should say.  I expect I will just catch him up on our summer and ask after theirs, focusing on the good, and perhaps suggest a couple of generic possibilities, like getting our whole families together instead of a group of three.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Needytoo]

I have been having the same issue for awhile.  I make people a priority but they don't do the same. Maybe it is me, I am just putting too much feelings into our friendships. It is time to find out what other friendships I can try to grow.

 

I don't think I am going to "go meta" with anyone for awhile.  One of my "friends" will say the most cruelest things to me and I just not going to repeat that and go down that path until I have a deep sense of trust.

 

Good luck tomorrow. 

[arneal]

I guess that's one of the benefits of having a small circle ... my best friends don't live close so we still have the same sort of relationships we did before I became a widow. Going to the gym has given me a different circle for sure. I wouldn't count them as friends per se since we don't meet up outside that time frame. I did get invited to an event by one of the folks there but it felt weird to go so I didn't I will probably take her up on it should she invite me again. As God would have it, I am developing a friendship with one of my neighbors. They are a nice family and I hope we will be friends -- not in each other's business all the time, but maybe sit around a dinner table and talk once in a while.

[Needytoo]

I did reach out to one of my old friends and she shot me down right away, ouch.  The next day she emailed me back and apologized she read it wrong.  So maybe hope is there. 

 

Loving my exercises classes but can't say I have made a friend there.

 

I have new neighbors as well.  Senior couple who use to race horses for a living.  I recognized them right away, I use to take blood out of their horses for drug screening. 

 

How did things turn out for you RobT?

[arneal]

Wow, Needy -- like she didn't want to connect? That's cold. I hope you can find a good circle. It's funny how weird I get about this stuff. I've never been a big social butterfly but my former husband was. It drove me nuts to be out and about with him, Mr. Never Met A Stranger. When we drove cross country, we were somewhere down south at a rest stop and somebody called out to him. You guessed it, it was a guy he knew. I am an introvert by nature, which is probably why the idea of online dating appealed to me (didn't think far enough ahead that, if the planets aligned, I'd actually have to talk to or meet someone lol). Anyway, the people at my gym tend to be outgoing so I now take selfies sometimes and don't die doing it  ;D Also, one of the women I talk to each week where I volunteer invited me to her house next weekend; it's her birthday celebration. I actually am thinking of going as it's one of the first things I've been invited to just because ...

[RobFTC]

Thanks for asking, Needytoo.  Lunch was great - it was good to catch up, and I got to hear more about their travels in Europe this summer than I had so far, and catch him up on our travels.  A little deeper and a little meta also worked out - like now I get that he's the extravert (not how I'd peg him!) and she's an introvert (probably my Meyers-Briggs type, actually), instead of being an extravert as I would have assumed.  They are busy, so the "home is a refuge" thing is highly relevant.  I also have a new idea or two of what might work to see them - it looks like inviting the family for a BBQ might work, and I can do that.  He knows I think a lot of them and would like to escape the "aren't we moving though?" trap that I think I and they fall into.

 

Chipping away, and having more successes than failures, what more can a guy ask for?  (No comments from the peanut gallery, OK? ;D)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Trying]

Rob I am so happy to hear about your successes with rekindling friendships.  For many of us it takes going way out of our comfort zone to reach out and be honest about what we need and what we have to give in a relationship.  I struggle with this so reading about your journey will hopefully inspire me. 

[AprilRain]

As a new member here it's incredible to find these threads that address issues that I've been dealing with alone and to realize there are so many others facing the same things.

 

About 3 months after my husband died I was invited to a 21st birthday party for the son of some people I've known for years. My son and their son played soccer together and became great friends, so our friendship developed from that. They are extremely social people with a huge circle of friends. DH and I had been to many of their parties but neither of us felt very comfortable there. It sounds terrible to say but my husband was not a very friendly or likable person so by extension I was always kept at arms length. I thought this party would be my chance to be the "real me" and have fun, socialize, get to know people better, and maybe even form the beginning of some friendships. But as soon as I got there I felt just as out of place as ever. I tried to mingle but just felt shut out. I ended up outside with a glass of wine, sitting alone on a porch swing crying. The birthday boy's dad came out and talked to me for a while and I told him that maybe I just wasn't ready for this. He took me by the hand and tried introducing me to some people but I was past that point and I just couldn't stop crying. The only reason I stayed was because I knew my son was coming and I desperately wanted to see him. So while I waited I sat alone drinking glass after glass of wine (big mistake) and by the time he got there I was a mess. I cried like a baby on his shoulder, ruining his evening I'm sure, and later on ended up jumping into the pool in my clothes because a bunch of other women had and I wanted to be part of the crowd. I just ended up looking like a fool.

 

Suffice it to say my first foray back into the world as a widow was a colossal failure and I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in that crowd again. But I think I learned some things from it. If those people weren't my friends before they're not gong to magically become my friends now, especially given my situation. I think I'm better off sticking to smaller groups and not big parties. I need to do what I enjoy doing, and hopefully meet like-minded people and grow friendships that way. And for God's sake, lay off the wine!

 

I'm so glad I found this forum where I can share my failures and hopefully someday soon my successes as I try to move forward into uncharted territory.

[JeanGenie]

I have been having the same issue for awhile.  I make people a priority but they don't do the same. Maybe it is me, I am just putting too much feelings into our friendships. It is time to find out what other friendships I can try to grow.

 

This thread spoke to me. DH was my best friend and I had very few friendships outside the marriage. I have learned over the past 3 years the importance of building a circle of friends but sometimes it can be so exhausting. I seem to always be the one to reach out and make plans or initiative conversations or ask how they are doing. I am now learning to find the friends that are worth that investment where I mean something to them in return. There's been a few that I've invested too much feeling in as well and it's not reciprocated and so I'm left feeling hurt and disappointed. Time to weed these friends out and spend my valuable time on those who appreciate me and make time for me in return.  Tough lesson to learn and tough to let go...

[MissingSquish]

Rob,

 

I'm glad you reached out to your friends that mean a lot to you. It makes me so happy that they have reciprocated.

 

 

I'm defintely taking notes, as I likely need to do the same with a few people here locally.  I'm an introvert as well, and it's super hard for me to reach out and make the first move. I've been more content recently with keeping to myself, but it isn't doing me any favors.

[arneal]

April and Jean -- it isn't easy and you'll definitely want to be sure to invest in yourself first. Find what you enjoy. Thrive in those spaces that make you happy. When you find that comfort zone, it shows and it will be easier to meet other, like-minded folks. Hugs!

[Needytoo]

So glad your lunch date went well Rob.  So far I reached out to one person and she turned me down, so I tried the next one on the list and she is really interested in getting together. Then the first one sent me a message because she didn't read it correctly the first time.  This is all feeling good. Now to set a time and see if they show up. My other friends cancel on me all the time so hopefully we don't have a repeat.

 

I hear ya Jean. I feel like the nerdy teenager trying to make friends.

 

And I see so much promise in those people people AprilRain, keep them close. 

[MissingSquish]

I reached out to a few friends yesterday, and have made plans for two weeks from now with both of them.  Thanks for inspiring me, Rob.

 

 

Fingers crossed that the plans don't fall through.