Are you over him?

[imissdow]

This is what NG asked me the other night. He tells me I talk about him  frequently. I'm not about to pretend he didn't exist. I do have a 10yoDD who misses him all the time. This school year is being difficult for her. We changed school districts and she knows no one. Everyone at her old school knew her and her situation. They were for the most part very supportive of her.  He has heard me talk to H about LH and tell her I miss him also. We have a few pictures up of him that I have no intention of taking down. Just for reference I had a couple of pictures of my first husband that I kept up for my 2 older girls. They have told me they don't want them so they just came down when we moved, 16 years after my divorce.

 

So when he asked me this my reply was "I don't know. I thought I was over him 2 years ago and everyone told me I wasn't. I'm in a much better place now" 

 

Just because I was bored I looked up online of how to get over a failed relationship. I have done everything they have suggested. However if being over LH means not thinking of him I don't know if I will ever get there. He was my world for 7 years. Changed my life forever and I can't even fathom forgetting him. I rarely cry about him these days. A lot of my friends who have met me in the last 4 years don't know his name or anything about him. Most of the people who do know of him know because of working with my DD. So I'm kind of at a lost. I told NG that this was his problem not mine and he should figure out if it's a deal breaker. However I see this coming up again and I don't want to be insentive of how it makes him feel.

[twin_mom]

I don't think we get over them in the traditional sense. In a breakup, you usually fall out of love, your heart& mind have a chance to disengage.... But with death you love them and all of a sudden they're not there anymore. Yes, we disengage over time, but it's not the same.

 

My NG knows my kids and I miss DH, that we still love him and wish he was still with us. But we also love NG and are happy he's in our lives. And NG is sad for us, for what we've been through, but he's also happy that he gets to be part of our lives now, that he found us. It's all very complicated and not a "you only can love one person" kind of thing- rather you expand to have room for the added love. I'm so lucky to have found two great guys, to have found unconditional love twice when many never even find it once.

 

I didn't really help, sorry. I would say just be honest with yourself and NG.

[Guest TooSoon]

Normally, I don't chime in on these posts bc Andy is also widowed and so the situation is different but I think of you as a friend and wanted to add only this:  maybe someone (who would not make a good partner) cannot cope or understand in some fundamental way with the entire concept of this whole widowed situation and its many prongs but I think most people who are sane and kind want to understand and if you are honest then the presence/absence of your LH can have a place.  I'm basing this on my own experience in some ways - our late spouses are in some ways like the sixth and seventh members of our family now and I suspect they always will be. 

 

I don't put a lot of stock in things like pictures but stories matter to me and we will tell and retell the few stories we have of Scott and from when the three of us had our few short years together because life is an ongoing narrative - those stories nestle now with the new ones we are all making together today and tomorrow.  It doesn't mean I am stuck in the past or holding on in some way.  They are memories now, like memories from my semester abroad or from Girl Scout camp.  From another time but they are important in their retelling because they are part of our story, part of who we are. 

 

I also don't know that "over him" is the right word.  It simply isn't about that and I think that is sometimes hard for people who've not been through this to understand.  Try to explain how it feels to you honestly and in your own words. 

 

xo

 

PS - please come up next Sat! 

[Portside]

This is what NG asked me the other night.

 

 

....

 

 

I told NG that this was his problem not mine and he should figure out if it's a deal breaker. However I see this coming up again and I don't want to be insentive of how it makes him feel.

 

Hmmmm. You stated that you don't want to be insensitive yet you are dumping the entire situation into his lap ('his problem, not mine.') and not taking any ownership of the issue at all. Of course this will come up again. It sounds like you totally blew new guy and his concerns off. If you want this current relationship to be a healthy one, I suggest that this is a problem for both of you - not just him alone. And, it will take both of you to resolve it in a way that works for all.

 

Obviously, something in the way you discuss your LH grates on the new guy. Perhaps he is oversensitive. Or - perhaps you are not 'over' your LH in such a manner that NG feels he must compete for your attention. Most likely, it is some combination of both of those possibilities. You'll have to talk this out - calmly, respectfully and and with great care and compassion for both points of view if you truly want to reach a state where all are happy.

 

Not easy but it must be attempted. For everyone's sake.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[daysofelijah]

It's hard because losing a spouse and divorcing or breaking up is so much different. But it sounds like maybe being a little more sensitive to how it affects NG to hear you talking about your LH could be helpful to your relationship? It's hard to find a balance. I'm not afraid to talk about LH if it comes up, but I don't bring him up or make him a part of conversation with NG too often. The same way I do not like to hear much about his x-wife I guess. I asked NG to take down the family pics with his wife that he still had up in the house, maybe that was insensitive of me, but I still felt weird about them being up. He said he kept them up because it was his boy's family as they were growing up, but he also validated my concerns/feelings and took them down.

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I can see his concern? Don't feel you have to hide or suppress naturally talking about LH, but what you said about it's his problem isn't really true. If you desire a healthy relationship with NG you should be sensitive to the fact that it does seem to bother him, and maybe talk through ways of how you feel and how he feels and what can be done so you both feel your needs in this situation are being met? It's such a hard balance, best wishes in figuring out a solution you feel comfortable with.

[Trying]

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your post was "how dare he?!"  Then I waited and came back to it this morning.  I think it's just the term "over him" that I have a bad reaction to not necessarily the conversation in general.

 

My NG is divorced and we spent time in the early days of our relationship discussing the differences.  He had to deal with anger and resentment and hurt and try to move past that for his own sanity and for the sake of his children. It was very difficult for me to understand that level of negative feelings towards someone you loved, married and made children with.  It was outside my experience but I did my best to try to understand and to respect his feelings and his struggle to do what is best for his children.

 

I also had to take the time to explain my situation.  I did not choose to end my marriage and would have happily been married another 50 years to DH if given the chance.  I don't think I will ever get "over him" but I did have to make a choice to keep living despite my loss.  Stories come up because I was married 20 years and my entire adult life was spent with him.  My kids need to talk about him, our friends like to tell stories when we get together.  From the beginning we didn't put him on a pedestal so our stories are real and not painting a picture of a perfect man who NG could never live up to.  He was a great man but he was human, like all of us.

 

I will always have family pictures up but no more "couple" pictures of me and DH.  I am careful not to compare NG to him and he is secure that he is my present and my future.

 

I think this is a conversation that all couples need to have when there was a prior marriage regardless of how it ended but it is especially delicate when there has been a death.  If you feel like you can't talk about your past you will resent him.  But if you care about this man you should take a critical look at your own behavior to see if you are being insensitive in any way (which you may or may not be) and also take the time to talk about your personal grief journey to help him understand and to feel more secure.  I have often said it takes a very secure person to date a widow, and it's not for everyone but as the widow we have to find our balance between honoring our past and embracing our present.

 

Sorry to go on so long, this is a tricky subject and I can only speak from my own perspective.  I hope you find what works best for both of you.

[Guest Justme2]

You don't get "over" a deceased spouse if you were truly in love.

Don't know the ramifications or how much you're discussing but we can't be with the ones who passed.

And time waits for no one.

[tybec]

In the old forum, this was discussed some.  The difference between divorce and widowed.  I was more than once treated as a divorcee, and I quickly corrected to state I was widowed, and it is not the same.  With a new relationship, it is a new quandary.  I have explained to NG I will always love my LH, but I "am not IN love" with him anymore as his presence is not here.  I can't grow our relationship or marriage.  It ended.  It took me a long time to get there, accept that.  Not over him, but a different love of him.

 

My NG is divorced and we spent time in the early days of our relationship discussing the differences.  He had to deal with anger and resentment and hurt and try to move past that for his own sanity and for the sake of his children. It was very difficult for me to understand that level of negative feelings towards someone you loved, married and made children with.  It was outside my experience but I did my best to try to understand and to respect his feelings and his struggle to do what is best for his children.

 

I also had to take the time to explain my situation.  I did not choose to end my marriage and would have happily been married another 50 years to DH if given the chance.  I don't think I will ever get "over him" but I did have to make a choice to keep living despite my loss.  Stories come up because I was married 20 years and my entire adult life was spent with him.  My kids need to talk about him, our friends like to tell stories when we get together.  From the beginning we didn't put him on a pedestal so our stories are real and not painting a picture of a perfect man who NG could never live up to.  He was a great man but he was human, like all of us.

 

This is what I am hoping is coming through with my discussion with NG.  He is divorced, a bitter situation, and his parents' divorced when he was a child, and he has different feelings about marriage even due to this. Maybe the question is not the "right one"?  A normal question with a break up, but not a widowed person.  Maybe it is more about can you move forward and be the partner to the NG he needs without him feeling 2nd place or the "one you settled for".  Others have done so, so that gives me hope it can happen.  Lots of communication.  Good luck with this new development!

[imissdow]

Thanks so much for all the thoughts. Had a couple long chats with NG this weekend. I was able to explain the emotional difference between divorce and widowhood to NG. He seems to get it. I have a ex who is the father to my 2 oldest and LH is daddy to the youngest. I explained how all of us need to be able to share stories about their dads without fear of NG feelings being hurt. He got that also.

He told me talking about you ex is taboo in his experience. I agreed that in a casual dating situation my LH rarely comes up. However he has told me we are in a serious, hopefully long term relationship thus the rules now change and I want to know some information about his past and expected to hear the same from him. We then had a long talk about various LTRs. He said I had started talking to him more like a best friend and it was taking awhile to get used to hearing more about my history.

At times like this I am so grateful for this board and all of my friends here. In real life no one really understands. Here there is always someone who has lived thru what I'm dealing with. Thanks so much for allowing me to hear you stories and sharing your wisdom. 

 

[Guest Justme2]

Hope things go better 

[Trying]

imissdow it sounds like a great step in communication. I love that he said you were talking to him like a best friend, for me that's an important part of a long term relationship.  I hope things keep going well and both get more comfortable sharing with each other.

[Sugarbell]

Just my experience 9 years out (and I do think time does play a factor in most cases)

 

I have seen couples...both widowed...have a great relationship..talk about late spouses, grieve, heal and fall in love...It works with 2 widowed peeps.

 

Widowed/Divorced or Single...a little bit goes a long way. Sure..you don't forget about them..if children are involved it's always there and kids will always miss that parent...it should be recognized and honored...but we don't allow room for the new love...if they always feel in the shadow of the deceased love.

I am 9 years out...and I did feel different the first few years...I had the "Well they need to deal with it" attitude. But really...if a guy went on and on about ex wife...9 years out (divorced )... It would be tough not to wonder??? No we are never completely over it...but I have learned to keep some things very close to my heart private. It's not fair to expect a new guy or lady to have to absorb all of our stuff...Even if it's your second soul mate. I try to reverse the roles and think how I would feel if I was divorced and a widowed guy went on and about late wife.?.!

 

Probably not making any sense. And yeah I know I am selfish with relationships. 😳.

[Guest Justme2]

I was going to write (before). I don't understand the need to sit someone down and explain or try to convince someone that you still hold feelings for a deceased spouse. Unless it's over shared, someone divorced has a past too. If the future is always discussing the past, it almost assuredly will cause major problems. Just the words Are You Over Him, do not sit well with me. Never have. Especially in a new relationship. To me it spells the first signs of a controlling person.