post-goal living and now what?

[Mizpah]

I was going to say this on the not wanting anything thread, but it's different, and not even really widow-related, but I'm here and you're here, and my therapist had to cancel today, so....  Prepare for long-winded babbling.

 

I was 32 when DH died.  We lived in the City and I was very career-oriented.  We had plans to start our family and maybe move to the suburbs or country, but it was still a few months away.  We had exciting hopes and plans that we'd already begun on - study (we read a ton together and were always engrossed in discussion, and attended lectures constantly), travel, family, etc.  And we were madly in love - that was our primary activity really, being in love and being amazed by how in love we were. 

 

Then sudden death.  Everything stopped - my life was on pause, I'd say for a good two years.  I worked but didn't care, though I was promoted and involved in an exciting new work thing.  I no longer worked nights or weekends, when I used to be up surrounded by papers and mumbling half-thoughts, like a mad scientist working on law stuff.  The inspiration was gone.  My reading tastes (and frequency of reading) changed.  I took classes, but it was all centered around him - trying to get closer to who he was.  It wasn't that burning innate curiosity and hunger for learning I'd previously had.

 

Of course.  My "other half" had died.  Everything changed.  Old inspirations no longer were inspiring.  Old habits no longer made sense.  Old goals had no relevance.

 

After a couple years, I got involved with a widower and we had a baby.  I moved to the country to be with him and raise her.  Now, I'm a harried working mom with a long commute and no money. 

 

So my problem has a few different aspects: (1) The old "me" is gone - who is the new me, and what does she want?  What is she interested in?  Where to direct any curiosity or interest or "life force" or thought or energy?, (2) Even if I knew the answer to 1, I wouldn't have time or money.  Time especially.  The only free time I have is after 9:30 p.m. or before I wake up for work (and I'm so tired at both of these times, and need to do cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.) (how do I even figure out #1 without the freedom to figure it out?), (3) I feel like I've achieved all the things I set out to, and even some I hadn't (I had the iconic intellectual life in Boston I've always dreamed of - all cobblestones and autumn breezes and books and professors and lectures, I had the iconic NYC life I'd always dreamed of - ambition and stress and super fun and reading the paper on Sunday mornings with tea in a sunny apartment and nights at wine bars and running and working out and brunches and long walks in city streets, I'm having the iconic country life - apple orchards and produce from local farms and hiking and camping and fishing and backyard bonfires by the river, I'm having the motherhood experience.)  Now what?  What will sustain me?  What will feed me?  What will inspire me?  What will give my life substance and meaning?  (Yes, my daughter, but she is her own person - and I am still mine.)

 

Because my life is consumed by working and commuting and raising my daughter, there's really nothing left, except this gnawing feeling like I want more, like there's something missing, like I need to be doing something fulfilling.  My life right now is all about obligations (work, and more expenses than income) and responsibility and other people (tending to my relationship, raising my daughter).  Is it selfish and spoiled to want this "more"?  What would satisfy me?  What am I looking for?  Does it have to do with DH's death (with him, for the first time in my life, I felt calm, contented)?  If I need to do something "more," how do I find the time in the midst of an impossible balancing act (and that one's directed toward the working parents of young kids or people who've done it)?  I feel trapped and stifled and lost, like there's something I need and I don't know what it is or how to achieve it. 

 

And now that I'm writing it, I feel like perhaps this has more to do with becoming a mother than with widowhood perhaps - like in widowhood, who you are goes on hold, everything is paused, you're in service to something else (in widowhood, mourning, and in parenthood, to your child's needs)....

 

Ok, babbling over. 

[MisterWes]

As you said, I'm not sure that all those things are really widow-related.

 

Some of what you describe sounds like the same things I felt when I left single-life (for the first time) and married a woman with two children, and suddenly I had overwhelming obligations, a job I didn't love but couldn't afford to leave, a long commute, and dreams I had to put on hold.  And at the same time, was experiencing the joys of being married and helping to raise children.  And, yet, I felt like my identity, my self--which was still not well defined in my early twenties--had somehow gotten swallowed up in all that.

 

It was a difficult time, but the difficulty stretched me, and over the next several years, I grew up some, and I became somewhat less overwhelmed.  And my dreams changed.  And things got easier for a time.

 

But that's not the whole story.  I feel I would be remiss if I left out this part.  Both during my early marriage, and after she died, I recognized the thing that fed me, sustained me and inspired me.  That thing that filled that empty "gnawing feeling like I want more, like there's something missing, like I need to be doing something fulfilling".  That thing has been my closeness to God.  I don't know if you're religious, and I don't want to get preachy, but I'll tell you that for me, reaching out to God, returning to God when I've drifted away, seeking His will and trying to live like Jesus Christ has always filled that void of emptiness that you described so well. 

 

In short, yes, I think I have felt what you're feeling.  You're not alone in that.  And I hope that, at least, provides a little comfort to you.

[Trying]

I think what you are experiencing is pretty common for a professional woman turned mother, we tend to get lost in our role as mom and all of the obligations of work and home.  My kids are 12,18, and 20 and I'm just getting back to figuring out what my passions are.  Me neglecting myself was a product of my marriage and my personality and widowhood actually has propelled me to think about my own needs for the first time in 20 years.  Don't wait as long as I did, it's not heroic and I believe that a better balance is possible in a 2 parent family.  Young children make it more challenging so the time you carve out may be limited but you need to make it a priority.

[imissdow]

I was in the mist of rehabbing my house when LH died. We had a long range plan if what needed done and would redo one room a year. He was a master carpenter so we were doing all the work ourselves. So when he died I decided I would finish my house. I hired his best friend and a couple years later the house was done. I felt great for a bit then started thinking what do I do now? It took me quite awhile to figure out some new long range goals and to be honest sometimes it still feels like I'm working towards nothing.

Is this widow related, I doubt it. I'm pretty sure I would have had the same problem even if LH had been alive.

I have started taking kickboxing, I take dance classes and I now run. I also have taken a couple of trips to Mexico to build houses for families that live there. I simply asked myself is there anything I wish I had done when I was younger or that I felt I had missed out on. As a kid I begged to take dance classes so I signed up for that. Building houses came from a discussion I had with LH when he was alive. It was something we had talked about doing together. The kickboxing just sounded interesting so I thought I would give it a shot. I found out it was fun even as I can hardly keep up with my classmates who are 20+ years younger. Hope you can figure out how to fit something into your schedule. I don't do any of my activities as often as my teachers would like however it's still fun for me. 

[twin_mom]

I went through a lot of what you are describing when I became a mom- when they got to about 2ish is when it began- I had done the professional single thing, I was doing the professional working mom (even traveling internationally 30%of the time), but I knew that I wanted something I couldn't define, but something for me outside of kids and working and being a wife, but who has the time/energy?  My solution was getting involved with in a twin mom group (I could justify it to myself as it was kids related and helped me to be a better mom, which it did but not for the reasons i would give) and to take up yoga/meditation to give me a chance to be with just myself for a few minutes every day.

 

Your mileage will vary, but I hope you find something that replenishes you.